Social services won't take the child away for her letting her get do whatever she likes and not telling her offYeah, you're absolutely right and I know that too, my post probably didn't convey that too well though! I think that's what makes it so hard. I'm maybe better posting this elsewhere since as you say it's not exactly a toddler issue. Yes she's a single parent but has quite a big family who she's reluctant to ask for help from, which is such a shame as they've always told her they'd love to help more. When I've asked how she's coping and how things are she just smiles and says everything is fine and things are great. I often remind her I'm always there for her if she needs to talk about anything, which she does about various unrelated things. When it comes to LO she does call me to vent about how the daycare are out of line for their comments, things like that, it's as though she can't see that they have a point which I think will make talking to her much harder. They suggested she take a parenting class and she blew up, saying they were the ones who were being lazy expecting her to do their job and is now looking for a new daycare, so trying to get through to her won't be easy. When she does say these things to me I try to be supportive with careful responses that are somehow neutral "I can understand that must have felt frustrating for you" etc, but it's getting difficult now to keep doing that when deep down I actually agree with them.
Friend and little one's dad split when she was a baby so that was just horrendous for herI don't think her parents were overly strict or anything as we've been friends since we were kids ourselves and she always says she had a great childhood. I wonder if she doesn't want to accept help when her mum offers to take the LO to give her a break because maybe she feels like it makes her a bad mum or something? I'm not sure, that's purely me speculating. I've asked why she doesn't let her mum help for a few hours here and there before and the answer is always the same, she feels as though her mum "tells off" LO too much(I don't think she does, it's always little basic things like "no chocolate until after dinner" or "please don't climb on the table" and she never raises her voice or says it nastily if that makes sense?), and then when they are both round at her mum's LO is "confused about which of them to listen to" if asked to do something/not to do something. She's said on a lot of occasions that she doesn't want LO to think she has to listen to anyone but her, which has caused issues at the daycare too, and will probably cause issues at school later if she carries on with that. I think you're probably right that she must be burnt out and exhausted but doesn't want to accept help.
I've been trying to mind my own business and not comment at all but my own mum said something about it that really scared me - she's been trying to push me to talk to her for ages as she thinks social services will end up getting involved and my friend could end up having the little one taken away which would of course be the worst possible thing to happen! I don't know how all these laws work but that really scared me and made me think maybe I do need to try to talk to her (not that I'd ever mention that part obviously as that's so extreme).
Thank you both for taking the time to reply! I think I maybe just needed to hear it from an outside perspective... I really do have to grow a pair and try to sit her down and explain that it truly is coming from a place of love and concern and wanting to help. And you are right that I'll need to be prepared for the fallout, and be so so so careful about choosing my words... as you both say I wouldn't plan on mentioning LO's behaviour because it's true that none of this is down to her. I worry that whatever way I frame it or how careful I am, she will feel attacked and get upset with me and we'll fall out, which is the last thing I'd want as I love them both to pieces. On the other hand, the implications of if it carries on are so scaryI genuinely don't mean to sound like I'm criticizing my friend, she's one of the best people I've ever known. I feel as though I'd be being a bad friend by not saying anything, and a bad friend if I do. We are taking LO out together next week so maybe I could try to talk to her then when LO goes for her nap when we get back to her place.
Sorry again for the rant and thanks for listening!
I do think regardless of how you parent, being told from someone, especially a day care ect, that you should take parenting classes would be very hard to hear!