Toddler Advice Thread #2

[Jellybean093]

Iv got a little 15 month old and I'm just feeling like a really crap mum atm.
I'm going through abit of stuff atm with work which isn't helping, but I feel like I'm letting my little boy down. So one of my mates has a toddler just 2 weeks older than mine and she's always taking her child to kids groups, meeting up with friends and their children. She goes on lots of holidays and her child goes to nursery 5 times a week. The other week she took her child gymnastics and they do lots with her sisters kids and so they have lots of friends and fun.
I'm very isolated where I live and don't have many friends round here, I have to travel about an hour away to see my friends. And most of my work friends don't have children and I don't have many children in my family. Iv been to toddler groups and swimming groups with my little one but never seem to make many friends even though I'm always really friendly. And so I feel like I just suck. I feel like my little boy is missing out on not doing as much as my friends child and that I'm a bad mum. When I'm not working it's usually just me and my little one doing things together. Iv only ever been away from him for one night. Iv also got a lot of stress around my in laws (serious safeguarding issues) which means I don't have anyone to turn to for child care that much. And so, as a result I'm always so tired all of the time. But should I be doing all of this stuff? I feel so down with it that I cry alot because I feel I'm just so crap at being a mum.

Please don’t feel bad. I done all the clubs with my eldest, but that was because I was nannying and took her along with me. I do barely anything with my other kids. I’ve been back to work when they were all weeks old, and they’ve had to always entertain themselves (awful, I know, but I have no choice!)
I also have decided I don’t like people much, and am not very good at meeting new people/socialising. I’m not sure when this started, but the thought of speaking to someone new panics me

 

[Okgolightly]

Update nobody asked for on the 4yo.

Currently they've seen she has a uti and ear infection.
They think there's something else though. She's had bloods taken and an xray because she hurt her knee last week and still can't walk properly. So they're concerned it's an infection in the joint.

Her heart rate is currently sitting at 165bpm
We were supposed to go back to a waiting room but she's fallen asleep on the bed after doing her bloods so they've left us in here!

Oh no I hope you’re both ok at least you might finally be getting some answers and you know that you’ve done the right thing in being persistent with them! Hoping you’re both home soon and your little girl starts to pick up

 

[al255]

Naptime update….!

No nap all day, was fine at nursery, on pick up she was getting abit groggy cos I wasn’t there yet apparently, fine rest of eve and fast asleep for 7:50pm 🥹 hopefully she sleeps well tonight…..!!

 

[PillowsofFluff]

Been saying for weeks we will do the cot to bed transition at half term so if the nights go bad it doesn't matter as my partner will be off work... well the time is now here and I really don't want to

 

[Bubblepink]

And we go through about a millions snacks a day.

My son is literally asking for snacks every other second of the day! it’s relentless
At least week 2 of the summer hols here is done

 

[bottombanana]

My boy has just turned 3 and has started going to a new pre-school 2 days a week but getting him there is really difficult. I don’t drive so we have to walk but he just doesn’t want to go. He screams and shouts and cries and runs in the opposite direction, I have a younger son who sits in the buggy so taking him in that isn’t an option. He says he doesn’t want to go because he finds it “scary” and is “nervous”, we’ve tried talking to him about it when he’s calmer (so when he gets home or on days he’s not going) and the most he’s ever said is that it’s scary because of the other children but he can’t elaborate on that. When I took him today he was under the impression that we were going to a stay and play so he was happy enough leaving but when I reiterated to him that it was “school” rather than playgroup he got really upset (maybe I shouldn’t have but I really didn’t want to lie to him because I want him to trust me), I tried picking him up and he just head butted me, kicked me etc. I got down on his level and tried to explain to him that if we got there and he didn’t enjoy it I’d get them to call me and I’d come and get him straight away but he just cried and screamed. I had those pity looks from other parents and other kids staring and that just made me feel like shit. The people that work there have said that he only cried for a couple of minutes once I’ve left and then he’s fine and I believe them because he says his best friend is the name of his key worker.
A bit of background as well, he went to a different nursery from 1 until just before he turned 3 and when he moved to the “big boy” room at 2 there was a boy there who he used to come home and tell us had hit him or pushed him or smacked his face. We didn’t really do much about it because we assumed the nursery would have picked up on it and dealt with it but it recently came out that said child was/is telling the other children that their mummy and daddy aren’t coming to pick them up and said boy is the child of someone who works there so gets away with everything so now we feel awful because we didn’t advocate for our baby and maybe that’s why he hates going to the new place.
Sorry for the massive post, I just wanted to put everything down.

 

[Definitelyme]

@WhatABore that teacher sounds like a dick. If my kid is crying because people are banging in to her, that’s still NOT HER FAULT! The teacher obvs can’t stop them being rambunctious little sausages, but should be more aware of Ivy’s personal space and make other kids aware of it. And not be such a dismissive twat.

 

[Definitelyme]

Argh do you ever feel like a terrible mother. My little one doesn’t listen to me either. This morning he was just being sooo giddy and wouldn’t listen to me at all … and now I feel awful I’ve been telling him off all morning before he goes to nursery. He doesn’t seem bothered but it makes me feel terrible. And also I feel like do i give him enough attention?? He is behind with speech and I feel like it’s my fault cos I don’t always give him attention if I need to get things done etc

I think we all feel like this, we wish we could do more and be more for them. Funny, yesterday my daughter asked what I would clone if I had a cloning machine (she’s 9, not a toddler ) and I said me. So I have one me for doing work, household stuff etc, and one me to play with them all the time. Wouldn’t that be ideal?!

 

[al255]

@bottombanana I feel for you, I really do. My 4yo started preschool this year and we had some hard weeks of lots of crying beforehand, and walking up, and actually when she was there as well
And if the journey got delayed (eg if I stopped to speak to someone) that extra wait time really was hard and caused her to break down entirely. It was just the most awful time. I felt horrendous all day, like a big black cloud was over my head, it really affected my mood far more than I would have thought.
I think validating him, as you say, is really the only way to go. It’s a new, scary experience for a child, and they can’t calmly tell us that so the react the only way their little brain and body can - and unfortunately that’s awful for everyone. No type of discipline or hard line will work, because it’s just huge feelings and we can’t discipline that out of a child (nor would I ever want to).
Things that helped us are lots of calm chats about nursery later in the day when she was ready - allowing her to bring it up
Allowing her to take in a cuddly toy
Lots of cuddles and stories together at home cuddled up - some close connection time both before and immediately after nursery
Earlier bed time as it was worse towards the end of the week when she was knackered
Patience - which is 100% NOT my strong point as a parent. And was something I really struggled with.
Lots of reminders that I would be back in an hour (one finger to visualise) and what I would do when I was at home (“I’m just going to hang up the washing, give the baby a snack and then I’ll be back”)


In practical terms for walking and ensuring safety - what about a buggy board? Or would he scoot or ride a bike if it’s safe? Give him something to concentrate on that isn’t the walk up?

Ours has resolved in time, but it was horrendous, and I really do have huge sympathy right now for you x

Oh and just remembered my daughter (who has great vocabulary and is a chatty thing) didn’t even have the words to talk about why she didn’t want to go. She just knew that it didn’t feel right - but didn’t have the words to say she felt lonely and probably abandoned instead she would say scared, or anything else she could conjure up, but none of them were really how she felt, because she didn’t even know herself

im glad you’ve mentioned about having no patience. I lose my temper so much over small things sometimes and it’s cos I’ve not much patience It’s got somewhat better in nearly 3 years but WOW. Some days I’ve had enough

 

[PillowsofFluff]

Just wanted to have a little rant, my mum keeps pressuring me to move my daughter from her cot to a bed, and to potty train her but I'm selfishly just not ready. She'll be 3 in December, but has never made any attempt to climb out of her cot and still has loads of room. I know I should but I can't face having to take her back to her bed 45 times a night if we make the transition.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Ugh dads really are a different breed. Had a row ( can you call it a row with me shouting and him just saying get off my back) he bathed LO only after I asked & then brought him down in the towel but didn’t dry him LO wriggled out and cos they’d been giddy upstairs he was wired and was running and jumping around on the sofa which our dog sits on so he got dog hairs stuck to his naked body . And then I said can you take him upstairs It’s bed time.
i follow them Up5 mins later they were on our bed LO still naked … watching tv laughing and I said can you get him in his pjs just gonna have a wee I come back they haven’t moved. This was 715 I like him to be asleepat 645/7 and I said do I have to do everything !!!!
They just don’t think like us do they

Once I went out with my friend in the evening and he was putting him to bed and when I got back at like 930pm LO was sat up in bed at the end and dad was asleep!!! if I don’t laugh I’ll cry. They’re so annoying

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

I posted a while ago about my son hating having his hair cut with scissors. I’ve just tried it with my partners held hand Phillips he uses for his beard 🧔‍♂️ and he actually sat a lot stiller and didn’t have a meltdown ! I’ve had to do it in three stages. Do a bit have a break, i between let him have a drink and biscuit & do a bit more. I think this is the way forward it’s a really small shaver and isn’t loud

 

[jackieweaver’sauthority]

My partner is the same. Because I’m a SAHM and he works 6/7 days a week his excuse is oh I don’t know the routine. Yesterday he got her ready while I got ready and he didn’t brush her hair. She has very curly hair so it isn’t as easy as combing it but he also didn’t wash her face properly and I didn’t realise until we were already out the door He said he’d do her bath yesterday but wasn’t going to wash her hair. She’s been unwell so I haven’t bathed her properly for a week and needed doing, so we had a row about that. I’d already combed it before she’d got in the bath so it’s not even like it’s that hard
Totally understand why you would be angry and upset at him not helping with potty training and falling asleep on his watch. If we did that we wouldn’t hear the end of it!

 

[TheBabeWithThePower]

Mine doesn’t nap now and hasn’t for ages and god it’s so hard work 🫢. I look forward to bed time so much sometimes how bad is that. I feel terrible for it but he just noneeeeee stop. Also was up at 230 last night. I nipped for a wee & he came with me 🫠. He’s not usually this bad I just hate it when he laughs at me

Oh yeah I mean she hasn't napped regularly since she was 18m but I thought having been up since 3am that she would have crashed this afternoon!

We all look forward to bedtime sometimes, in fact most days I do, even if I've had a brilliant day with them I just want a couple of hours where no one is saying "Mum, mum, mummy, mummy, mummy, MUM!"

 

[SwizzleMalarkey]

Does anyone have any ideas for how I can get my 3yo to stop being an utter nightmare when I'm trying to cook?

I give her time warnings ("in ten minutes mummy is going to start cooking") so that me playing with her doesn't end abruptly etc but every day she just nags the whole time I'm trying to cook to play with her, she cries and gets upset that I won't. She seems to sometimes accept it for like 1 minute and then literally the next minute is saying "please come and do Duplo/trains/read" and gets upset when I again have to say no.
Occasionally I manage to get her colouring by herself but she only lasts a few minutes, or I manage to get her playing something like Simon Says or dancing to music. But mostly it's just torture.

Add to that a bonkers 6 month old who is trying to climb everything and is generally a danger to himself every single moment and I just hate the hour or so before dinner, I actually get anxious when it's almost time to start cooking because I know it's going to be awful.

Sorry for the ramble, any help is much appreciated!

I get my son involved with the cooking as much as possible. He loves chopping (with a safe knife) and mixing and his new trick is cracking eggs (lots of egg shell in our omelettes these days ).
It also means he’s much more likely to eat what I’ve cooked, or at least try it anyway.

 

[bottombanana]

Thanks for your reply. I do all of that, but struggle when both children are playing tug of war with the toy. Do I get involved? I can obviously take my child away but that doesn’t seem fair.
At preschool I’m not sure they actually do support her. They couldn’t tell me what happened leading up to her hitting a child but the day before they said she had trouble listening and sharing and she said it was with a farm animal so I’m guessing it was over toys. Everytime I pick her up there’s something. She had a virus last week and when I picked her up they said that she wouldn’t wipe her own nose. We’ve previously had an issue where she had a poo accident where they didn’t clean her up properly and I was told they’d offered her a wipe to do it herself. Her arms aren’t physically long enough to do that. It comes across like she’s too much work for them, but surely that’s all normal for a toddler/preschool room.

They should definitely be wiping her nose and cleaning her up properly whether she’s had an accident or not. Their arms are too little and they’re too young to be able to properly wipe their bums, I would go nuts if my boy came home like that and they told me they’d given him a wipe to clean himself up. She could get sore if she’s left dirty, plus she’s a girl so more likely to get utis

 

[Shaunafauna]

My toddler decided the perfect time to say ‘oh my GODDD’ for the first time was in front of our HV at his 2.5 check last week

I love this!
My 18 month old says 'oh god' and 'good god' constantly. I love when he says it around my prudish MIL

 

[WhatABore]

Thank you @Jellybean093 and @WhatABore

It does make me feel better just having you respond and say in not alone. Because at times, I feel it! I feel so isolated where I live and I'm struggling with being a mum and working too. But I want to work and I love being a mum and so I'm trying to find my feet with it all really. My mum has my little boy when I go to work, which is fine, but she's in her 70s and I worry about that. He doesn't always settle at her house either and so that can be a pain. I'm cabin crew and so more often than not its over night I struggle with as opposed to day care.
I just feel like I should be doing all the things my friend is doing with her child and that I'm a bad mum for not doing it. But then I'm not massively sociable really. I love a walk and nature more than going out and I wonder if maybe I'm not pushing my little ones boundaries by not taking him all these places she does? Is it enough to just take him on walks and stuff? Should he bw doing more things and experiencing more things and people?
Iv had a real bad experience however with my in laws, and as a result, its left me wary of leaving anyone with my little boy. And so I think I'm shying away from leaving him with strangers because of this experience. I just want to protect my little boy and keep him safe and I'm wondering if I'm doing it too much?

You're doing plenty!
My 4yo is one that did most of her growing up during lockdown and she's perfectly fine!

Even if you were home all day, not going out, you're still doing enough.
I think there's way too much pressure on parents to take their kids here there and everywhere when actually, just being at home, with toys is perfectly fine!
Kids learn through play, especially at these ages. And that's what is so important to their development!

 

[WhatABore]

Yes I thought it might be this but can’t understand why 3 hours at school is so much worse than 10 hours at nursery. I’ve never seen her so badly behaved. I have reacted badly a couple of times and really shouted but now trying to stay calm but finding it hard. Feel like I’m really failing her.

There's quite a bit more structure to school compared to nursery. That simply could be the only reason.
At nursery, they tend to jump straight in to playing, play until lunch, then back to playing and usually a story or something before lunch or before the end of the day.
Where as at school, they have to go in, usually sit on the rug or do their own little tasks before they play, then they've got set activities, set times, tidying up several times, sitting on the rug and engaging a lot more.
Ect ect.
It probably doesn't sound like much, but it's quite a lot for a little one
Its more so about what they do there than their hours there.

No idea if that helps at all

You're not failing her at all. It is verrrrry hard to deal with, day in day out when they're like that. You're only human

 

[WhatABore]

It's not the same thing really, but kind of is. But on the bullies thread I mentioned I was bullied by my teacher which has caused me so much upset in my adult life. Lack of confidence etc. I did tell my parents he bullied me and they did confront him on parents evening but of course he charmed them and made them think I was 'over reacting or being sensitive' Some teachers aren't fit to be teachers and like to see kids suffer- obviously I know not all of them are like this. But I'm with you on the mindset of being their voice because it's a scary world for kids to find their voice in a world of adults. Lots of love xxx

This is the thing too, I was bullied right from when I moved schools in year 1. I remember so clearly, the kids laughing at me and calling me fat on my first day and my Mum did nothing.
So I guess I'm already really sensitive to it I guess and want to make sure the same things don't happen to her