I also think my Mum has undiagnosed MH issues. We're chalk and cheese, but unfortunately I have got her temper and we row all the time. I can't tell her anything because she says I'm 'lucky' and makes me feel guilty for having a life. It's very draining and toxic to be around. I hate that I can't confide in my Mum about things or share things with her. I get a bit envious when I see Mum and the daughters being close because that could never be me and her.
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When I started my first job it was 40 miles from home a bus and two train rides….. both my parents had.cars and mum didn’t work, but never offered to drop me off or pick me up in rough weather or the depths of Winter - they were gruelling 12 hour days, but they thought it was character building, akin to sending me up chimneys to sweep!!
Likewise when I was 14,15,16 and did waitressing that finished at midnight - I would walk home from work on dark unlit streets. They didn’t give two shits!!
You picked that job, you sort yourself out getting home!!!
Unfucking believable.
Likewise when I was 14,15,16 and did waitressing that finished at midnight - I would walk home from work on dark unlit streets. They didn’t give two shits!!
You picked that job, you sort yourself out getting home!!!
Unfucking believable.
Make comments about my weight! I have always been skinny since I was a child. Somehow they think it's appropriate to make comments like "she eats loads, you'd never guess it though" etc. I don't know if it's a generational thing but my mom did every fad diet under the sun. She clearly still has issues with food now. Always saying how she's ate so much when she hasn't. It drove me the mad the last time I stayed with them. It's an absolute miracle I didn't end up with food issues.
Treating me like I'm still a child. I am in my 30s.
Treating me like I'm still a child. I am in my 30s.
Mine had an affair too but I am not sure if she knows I know!
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Reading this thread is quite upsetting, some of the posts are really hard to read.
Sending love to anyone who's struggled and continues to struggle.
I was brought up in an abusive household and it's only now, 30+ years on that I'm learning how to love myself.
Awful how damaging it can be.
Sending love to anyone who's struggled and continues to struggle.
I was brought up in an abusive household and it's only now, 30+ years on that I'm learning how to love myself.
Awful how damaging it can be.
My Dad used to beat the tit out of me. Not my oh so perfect brother, just me. I have a very on/off relationship with my parents, generally more off than on. I am trying harder to be in touch due to their age. More so I don't have any regrets when they die.
Mine did too and I really hated her at the time for it, now I look back and don't blame her, my dad was a smelly slob who didn't bother working while she done nightshifts in a care home, he didn't lift a finger round the house and there were 4 kids in the mix, so I can see now she prob found a bit of excitement in life and took it, not right to do what she did, but yea I don't really blame her. There was so much other stuff in my childhood that was awful, I don't speak to my dad at all, I speak to my mum for about 5 min a month just out of pity cos all of her kids don't speak to her, my childhood can summed up in a few words...hunger, dirt, bullying, weakness of body due to hunger, hunger pains, humiliation (me and my sister literally aye from the bin at school one time) the teachers didn't help us rather they went out of their way to draw attention to how dirty we were infront of the whole class...neglect. It was awful. And this wasn't even that long ago cos I'm only just turned 37.
My dad had many many affairs over my parents 22 year marriage, as a child I heard and saw things that I should never have. Things that have stayed with me all my life.
My parent divorced when I was a teenager and my dad is now on his 4th marriage...I'm sure its not hard to figure out why none of his marriages last
My parent divorced when I was a teenager and my dad is now on his 4th marriage...I'm sure its not hard to figure out why none of his marriages last
My dad had affairs throughout his marriage to my mam also.Before they were married too actually.ait destroyed me as a child as we had a crappy relationship anyway .I dont feel like anyone understands what its like for a child in that situation unless youve been through it too x
My mother only values appearances, nothing else. How someone's home looks, if someone puts a lot of effort into their own appearance. It's all she really sees any worth in.
She is emotionally immature, everytime I've ever tried to have a conversation with her about things she's said or done she plays the victim card and boohoos.
She is emotionally immature, everytime I've ever tried to have a conversation with her about things she's said or done she plays the victim card and boohoos.
So many things. I have worked through a lot of them but now I've got a while fresh new batch since becoming a parent myself.
The main thing atm is that it's all about them being grandparents and how my daughter is the best thing in the world (which she is) and all these things they're going to do with her, all these firsts. Meanwhile she's my baby! After all this time I finally have a baby! I feel me being a mum is being taken from me and it's all about how they're finally grandparents. I'm doing the firsts with her! They've done all this with us 3 times, I've never done it. Today was so weird, the amount of presents my daughter got was obscene and it's her first birthday in a month! But oh they've been waiting for this... Just so many thoughts. 1. So have I! I feel so lucky to have her 2. She's 11 months! She's happy with a box 3. You had 3 daughters! Where was this when we were little. 4. Unless they are holding her, they aren't happy for her or us. They can't appreciate her as she is. She's obviously her most outgoing self when she feels safe near me and her daddy and when she's giggling and being a munchkin with us, just eyes looking at us, like give her to me and no 'oh that's lovely, oh that laugh is so cute' etc and then they grab her and she's looking around like hmmm ok. 5. I think they just want her to be a baby but then they also say oh you're going to bake with me. I think they just want her as a status of grandparent sometimes. It's confusing. When she does normal 11 months things they go 'you're not a little thing anymore are you' ... She's a whole person with her own personality, just let her be. But then oh you're the best thing ever I'm going to steal you away. They can't just enjoy her for who she is now. They think they can pick her up and walk off with her and she'll be fine about it and oh what's wrong? When she's not. I've lost my train if thought now as it's the middle of the night but had to get some of it out. I think it just proves to me how selfish they are and we're just things to brag about or be used for their own satisfaction and not real people with our own lives and minds.
The main thing atm is that it's all about them being grandparents and how my daughter is the best thing in the world (which she is) and all these things they're going to do with her, all these firsts. Meanwhile she's my baby! After all this time I finally have a baby! I feel me being a mum is being taken from me and it's all about how they're finally grandparents. I'm doing the firsts with her! They've done all this with us 3 times, I've never done it. Today was so weird, the amount of presents my daughter got was obscene and it's her first birthday in a month! But oh they've been waiting for this... Just so many thoughts. 1. So have I! I feel so lucky to have her 2. She's 11 months! She's happy with a box 3. You had 3 daughters! Where was this when we were little. 4. Unless they are holding her, they aren't happy for her or us. They can't appreciate her as she is. She's obviously her most outgoing self when she feels safe near me and her daddy and when she's giggling and being a munchkin with us, just eyes looking at us, like give her to me and no 'oh that's lovely, oh that laugh is so cute' etc and then they grab her and she's looking around like hmmm ok. 5. I think they just want her to be a baby but then they also say oh you're going to bake with me. I think they just want her as a status of grandparent sometimes. It's confusing. When she does normal 11 months things they go 'you're not a little thing anymore are you' ... She's a whole person with her own personality, just let her be. But then oh you're the best thing ever I'm going to steal you away. They can't just enjoy her for who she is now. They think they can pick her up and walk off with her and she'll be fine about it and oh what's wrong? When she's not. I've lost my train if thought now as it's the middle of the night but had to get some of it out. I think it just proves to me how selfish they are and we're just things to brag about or be used for their own satisfaction and not real people with our own lives and minds.
Call me a weirdo / psycho because I had to have therapy for depression & trauma.
My mum constantly telling me how she had wanted boys, it wasn't fair that she had had 2 girls as it was boys she wanted. She was completely emotionally unavailable and genuinely believed that if she had boys, her life would have been better. Of course, she would deny ever saying that now.
Dad was just awful, angry and entitled. Constantly walking on egg shells and he was so jealous of other people doing well. He would continuously compare me to other people 'do you think X's daughter would act like this'. He also used to do this thing, it's so hard to explain. So, say we were out shopping as a family (me, mum, dad & sis) and I was getting new shoes for example. Shoes would be bought, all packaged up, we're leaving the shop, I'm happy and he would hang back with me and start hissing in my ear that I always chose the most expensive shoes in the shop, that's just what I'm like, who did I think I was, who did I think was paying for these shoes. It was so venomous and angry and always did out of sight of others.
Another thing they did, which was just so weird, was accusing me of having sex from like 12! Came home from being out bike riding with my friends, it was rainy and muddy so clothes were filthy, got accused of 'well, thats where you've been lying down' wtaf! Was sick on the bus to school once, accused of having morning sickness! It was so disturbing.
I am no contact with my dad and low contact with my mum these days. My mum of course, wants to be my best friend and revels in my achievements now that I'm an adult, any hint of raising my childhood is poo poo'd, I've always been a drama queen etc.
Dad was just awful, angry and entitled. Constantly walking on egg shells and he was so jealous of other people doing well. He would continuously compare me to other people 'do you think X's daughter would act like this'. He also used to do this thing, it's so hard to explain. So, say we were out shopping as a family (me, mum, dad & sis) and I was getting new shoes for example. Shoes would be bought, all packaged up, we're leaving the shop, I'm happy and he would hang back with me and start hissing in my ear that I always chose the most expensive shoes in the shop, that's just what I'm like, who did I think I was, who did I think was paying for these shoes. It was so venomous and angry and always did out of sight of others.
Another thing they did, which was just so weird, was accusing me of having sex from like 12! Came home from being out bike riding with my friends, it was rainy and muddy so clothes were filthy, got accused of 'well, thats where you've been lying down' wtaf! Was sick on the bus to school once, accused of having morning sickness! It was so disturbing.
I am no contact with my dad and low contact with my mum these days. My mum of course, wants to be my best friend and revels in my achievements now that I'm an adult, any hint of raising my childhood is poo poo'd, I've always been a drama queen etc.
Wow, youse already mentioned so many things.
My mother (pregnant with her first at 18) spent years warning us 3 girls to not get pregnant (but she never had 'the talk' with us) and later to not get pregnant because she doesn't want to be a grandmother yet. Went on for years. She announced that she is ready for grandchildren when the 3 of us where in our 30s. And now she and Dad are sad that they are the only one of their friends who don't have grandchildren yet (and won't get any).
She also has this weird fixation nowadays on treating us like and reminiscing on the time when we were children, getting us stuff we liked when we were young (candy, games).
My mother, and I only realised this years later, when we were out with all the siblings and met someone who knew her, used to tell them that my sisters take after her and I was more like my grandma on my father's side - her mother in law, which she used to and still complains about all the time. Nice one, mum.
An interesting read on this topic: The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting by Alice Miller.
My mother (pregnant with her first at 18) spent years warning us 3 girls to not get pregnant (but she never had 'the talk' with us) and later to not get pregnant because she doesn't want to be a grandmother yet. Went on for years. She announced that she is ready for grandchildren when the 3 of us where in our 30s. And now she and Dad are sad that they are the only one of their friends who don't have grandchildren yet (and won't get any).
She also has this weird fixation nowadays on treating us like and reminiscing on the time when we were children, getting us stuff we liked when we were young (candy, games).
My mother, and I only realised this years later, when we were out with all the siblings and met someone who knew her, used to tell them that my sisters take after her and I was more like my grandma on my father's side - her mother in law, which she used to and still complains about all the time. Nice one, mum.
An interesting read on this topic: The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting by Alice Miller.
In the very early years of my marriage with a young baby in tow my OH and I had a row and he hit me. I ran out of the house with the baby got in the car and drove sobbing to my mum and dads. Instead of consoling me and my dad getting in his car to go sort out OH they both said get back home put some make up and a nice dress on a cook him a lovely dinner!!!!
It will be fine…..?????
It will be fine…..?????
That's awful. Have your parents improved? Are you still with OH?
Their priority was you + baby.
I wasn't allowed out from being 11 to 17 apart from school, when I did attend, that depended on who was going to look after my brother and if he was ill. This was put down as looking after me as I would get pregnant if I did go out when really it was unpaid baby sitting. I got married young, didn't last of course but on my wedding day my Dad apologised to the new husband for me being around the block a few times as I'd probably had most of the lads in the local pub were we were having the wedding night time party and that he was glad he'd taken me on with the way I was. The new husband did put him right that he was the first and I'd not had any of the lads at all. He never apologised to me for the remarks either.
I honestly will never understand this obsession my parents (and sounds like yours too) had of having sex. Why not just talk to us about underage sex, teen pregnancy etc instead of assuming the minute our parents backs were turned that's what we were doing. Sorry your dad said these things x
My mother is the exact same. When I married, she would continuously ask when we were giving her grandkids - NEVER! My sister had 3 daughters and I just know my mum would have been hoping for boys
It did seem like an obsession, if I was sent to the local shop he would be timing me thinking I was getting a quick one in on the way. Quite where all this came from I have no idea. According to him I was fat and ugly so by that reasoning I shouldn't of been getting any male attention. Never made any sense. My older brother could come and go as he pleased, 'lads don't bring trouble home.' He got that wrong too, my brother was the local thief, breaking into houses. He brought far more embarrassment than I ever did.
My mom also had me at 18 and would drill into me about not getting pregnant/not having kids young but she also never educated me on sex. I am pretty staunchly against having kids as an adult and I do wonder if her going on about telling me not to have them is part of that reason... I guess she didn't want me to also end up having a teen pregnancy.