“The other women”

[CharlieTYBT]

I don't really understand why @Oohthedrama got a lot of agg for her comments. It is pretty scummy to get involved with someone who is taken. I don't really think some people understand the gravity of what that does to the person who's being cheated on. I've had friends who have had their confidence ruined and become really insecure through being cheated on and it really messed them up. It makes you think you're a bad person, useless, why is he happy with her but he wasn't happy with me to cheat with her kind of thing. Yes it is very scummy behaviour. It really really affects people quite bad. Not meaning to ass lick him/her but we don't know the moderators story and I think their comments are totally fair and in line.

I can understand if someone gets involved with someone not knowing they were taken and then find out later down the line that it wasn't their fault and they didn't do anything wrong. It's happened to me a few times when I was online dating and was in my late teens and very naive.

One incidence was I was talking to a guy online and he kept blocking me and vanishing for days, sometimes weeks on end and then unblock again and crawl in to my life with excuses which I fell for. One day he sent a selfie in bed to me and I noticed his bedding looked flowery and feminine so I became a bit suspicious, spent a while searching him up online. I found out a few days before he got engaged - yes - engaged to a woman even though he was talking to me around the same time. I got mad at him and blocked him. Friends at the time told me to tell the woman so I did and sent screenshots. She never believed me even though it was in black and white. That's what I've noticed, that they never believe you when you come even with evidence. I was willing to leave it but my friends said she should know. If I knew for one second he was seeing someone there is no way I'd touch him with a barge pole, he's someone else's and he's got taken hanging round his neck.

I see very often all that all the blame should go on the person who's taken and the fellow cheatee should get less slack (especially if it's a woman) and I personally disagree. They both are as bad as each other. There's been guys I've fancied or I thought hot but I knew they were taken and knew they were with someone else and it's not right for me to flirt or get involved with them. I'm insecure as hell and far from perfect but you can't all make excuses and say I did it because I'm insecure or blah blah blah, that doesn't make it okay or excuse it. You've now made the person being cheated on insecure. I see some people accept and acknowledge that what they did wasn't right and there was no excuse, fair play. It really messes people up.

 

[Grippy]

I don't really think some people understand the gravity of what that does to the person who's being cheated on.

I believe this is exactly what people have been trying to explain. I don’t think people were saying “I set out to ruin his wife and kids’ lives”.

Being called trash and told that being vulnerable was “an excuse” is no more reductive, unfair and unhelpful than someone saying that if your partner cheated on you it’s your fault for not keeping them happy and satisfied at home.

 

[ProphecyGirl]

Yeah but it started as him lying about the relationship..

Basically it started as a ONS but then he messaged me wanted to see me again and so on. We drank in the same local, knew most of the same people but I didn't really know him or anything about his life (just who he was) a couple weeks later I found out he had a pregnant girlfriend. He told me they weren't actually together. After doing some stalking on her side, she was sharing things about being a single mother and all of this about being on her own and so on

He paid for my oven to be fitted by a friend, all of his friends and her friends knew. His family members knew also, so I thought it was all genuine. Everyone in the local knew and nobody told me any different

It seems at some point they got back together and I was unaware, I asked him about it (I saw the relationship change on FB) and he said it was just for her family or some BS and they weren't actually back together. He acted like a jealous BF half the time and used to sweet talk me how he 'loved' me and planning all this future with me

A few months later she asked me about it as someone had mentioned to her about us and I told her. They did split up for a bit but while they were working on things he was sending both me and her the same stuff while he was working away and so on... I sent her all the proof which would back my story up.

They're back together and are as happy as ever now (it took a month for her to forgive him) and I'm the bad person to her and everyone else. Which I completely understand. Though a few lately have admitted they can't be friends with him and hold a grudge against me.
Just shows how so many people can have affairs and are still the hero.

Also, I have been cheated on myself so should've known better.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

i never asked for any sympathy



my husband (rightly) was angry at the infidelity and couldn’t forgive me. I think if it had been physical and ‘just sex’ he may have done but it was the fact that I was sharing emotional intimacy with another that was the worst thing for him. He found out because I started to feel guilty and I told him

The other man - well, he ostensibly didn’t want to leave his wife and kids but that didn’t stop him then shagging around again after me so *shrug*. I don’t hold any malice towards him

Thank you so much for sharing. And I am sorry for your experience, I am sure there was a lot of pain involved.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I have been accused of being the other woman twice when I havent been! This was in my late teens and early twenties.

The first time was when I was seeing a guy called Andy and talked about him a lot to my co worker and if I got a text I'd say 'oh its from Andy' etc. Another coworker (total witch) kept over hearing and told her friend who coincidently had a boyfriend called Andy that I was seeing him and gave her my phone number.

She kept calling me sending abusive texts etc etc. Me pleading my innocence and that it was a different Andy fell on deaf ears. I knew of her Andy and he was total trash always cheating etc, wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole but still kept getting messages off her and her mates calling me a s#ag etc and I was scared of them.

The second time was sharing a taxi back to our house with some guys, we got out first and they carried on the journey. We did know of them as we were at the same uni but I didnt know their names. The next evening in the student union bar I was walking to the toilet alone and had a drink tipped over me from a girl calling me a s#ag saying I had been with her bf who was stood next to her smirking. I said I didn't but again dear ears and I had these group of girls calling me names every time I saw them. I didn't even sit next to him in the taxi! Grrr makes me so mad. Ive always been confused as to why he would want his gf to think he'd cheated

I really wish I'd stood up for myself better or wish someone else had stood up for me instead of 'not getting involved'. I hate confrontation so just kept wishing it would stop or that someone would tell them i hadn't done anything wrong.

 

[petitspois]

I had a conversation with the woman my ex had an affair with. She admitted it was because she had been involved with so many men that turned out to not want the same things as her that she saw my ex as a tried and tested guy (ie. good job, father, decent bloke etc...) and apparently couldn't help herself.

It's a scummy thing to do and I hope she does struggle with it to be honest. However, he is worse as he wasn't single. It's just tit.

I think woman that do this either are just having a fling with no concern for the wife or gf or want what they have.

(Just adding that I have moved well on and genuinely think I am happier than before)

 

[Thorongil]

I have never cheated and neither has my wife. I personally wouldn’t. But at the same time I don’t see why it’s SUCH a big deal.

There’s a lot of talk about “if a person is taken” or if they are “someone else’s” but I don’t really see people as property as such in that way.

If my wife cheated on me I’d be pretty bemused and annoyed but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if that makes sense.

It would be much worse if she wanted to end the marriage but at the same time people are entitled to do that.

I guess I’m just saying I think people make more of a big deal of cheating that I think is warranted.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Even the thought that its just arrogance.. i just cant see how it doesnt all come down to self esteem issues as to why women do it. Get your own man if youre that full of yourself

I have never cheated and neither has my wife. I personally wouldn’t. But at the same time I don’t see why it’s SUCH a big deal.

There’s a lot of talk about “if a person is taken” or if they are “someone else’s” but I don’t really see people as property as such in that way.

If my wife cheated on me I’d be pretty bemused and annoyed but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if that makes sense.

It would be much worse if she wanted to end the marriage but at the same time people are entitled to do that.

I guess I’m just saying I think people make more of a big deal of cheating that I think is warranted.

Thats wild i mean, fair enough for you - that works for you. Generally.. yeah, we like monogomy. And trust. And respect. And honesty.

 

[Meangirl815]

Yes i have been. Kind of.

20 yrs ago ish. I was 23. Had a duck buddy. He got into a relationship. We didn't stop hooking up. I knew the girlfriend. I gave no shits. She found out 18mths or so later. It ended their relationship.


I could say i had low self esteem (I did and do but that had nothing to do with it) but the truth is i wasnt a very nice person at all then. My moral compass was seriously questionable. I was looking for fun, for sex and didn't mind where i got it.


I'm happily married with kids now and wouldn't dream of ever cheating on my husband and it would break me if he ever cheated on me.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I have never cheated and neither has my wife. I personally wouldn’t. But at the same time I don’t see why it’s SUCH a big deal.

There’s a lot of talk about “if a person is taken” or if they are “someone else’s” but I don’t really see people as property as such in that way.

If my wife cheated on me I’d be pretty bemused and annoyed but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if that makes sense.

It would be much worse if she wanted to end the marriage but at the same time people are entitled to do that.

I guess I’m just saying I think people make more of a big deal of cheating that I think is warranted.

It is probably less the act itself but what it represents - being betrayed, trust being broken, lied to.

Imagine your wife would steal your money or do something else to betray you for your benefit?

I read that cheating can even lead to post traumatic stress disorder.

 

[Bette21]

I once visited my friend who was a couple of years older than me at university. I think I was about 16? Anyway, through amazing coincidence, one of the girls in her flat was also from my town. I walked in, and the walls were plastered with photos.
“Oh, that’s Martin!” I said. Martin was a guy who i had been snogging pretty much weekly for a couple of months at this point, although we’d never got as far as having sex, but we went out to the same club pretty much every week and would hang out a lot.
“how do you know Martin? He’s my boyfriend.”

honestly wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. I didn’t tell her, I was too scared.

 

[CheesyMarmite]

I once went on a date with a guy who I had suspicions wasn't actually single. I found his faceboook, saw a girl in his pics and added her (through my friends facebook). While I was out with him, the girl accepted the friend request and I saw that they were in fact still together.
I asked him after the date (nothing happened) to never contact me again. I never told the girlfriend as I've been in the position of getting messages from random girls saying my ex was cheating and it's not nice - actually it made me hate the girls and try harder with my ex - so kinda defeated the purpose of their messages.
Anyways - I got drinks and a dinner out of it without anything going further!

 

[mcfeez]

Thats wild i mean, fair enough for you - that works for you. Generally.. yeah, we like monogomy. And trust. And respect. And honesty.

All the things you named are totally separate though - trust and respect are not the same as monogamy. Plenty of couples can have open relationships where they have other sexual partners and can be far more open and honest than a monogamous pair.

 

[Thorongil]

All the things you named are totally separate though - trust and respect are not the same as monogamy. Plenty of couples can have open relationships where they have other sexual partners and can be far more open and honest than a monogamous pair.

Yeah, I mean, I don’t want an open marriage. Neither does my wife. We’re quite happy with monogamy.

my point really is that I don’t see why someone straying is considered SO heinous. It’s not good, but people make mistakes. It’s not ideal but it’s not crime of the century either.

I think some of the theatrics from grown adults about it are over the top.

 

[ASAnigel]

I don’t have a problem being called scummy for what I did. I know I was in the wrong for doing it, and it’s nothing my friends haven’t already told me.
I didn’t have low self esteem issues at the time. I fancied him and he was very pushy about wanting to see me again. If he hadn’t been pushy, it would have just been the one time and I’d never have spoken to him again.
I am absolutely not putting all the blame on him - we are both adults, we both made the decision. I have been trying to sit here and decide if I think we are both equally to blame - I can 100% see the reasons why we are.
I was single, yes I got into it with him knowing he was married and that’s absolutely wrong of course.
But, he was the one that committed to someone and married them (and had kids with her although I didn’t know at the time) and he chose to break that commitment and chose to make it physical/emotional and long term. I did however facilitate him being able to do that. Although I did find out it wasn’t just me he was doing it with afterwards.
So is that a 50/50 share of the blame?
I’m fully open to both sides of a discussion about this by the way I’m actually curious as to what others think and why.

 

[Apple In My Pie]

My stepmother was the other woman… although she’s my stepmother now so something worked out between her and my dad lol.

It does make me wonder though. If I was in her shoes I’d always have that little niggle of, well, he cheated to be with me, he could do it again with me too.

Also it was really awkward at their wedding when everyone was making out they met like in a fairytale. No. He cheated on my mother when I was a sick five year old in hospital. Both he and SM knew I was unwell, knew he was cheating, and carried on. Not so much fairytale.

I don’t judge them for it Or hold a grudge really. It just happened. Making a life commitment to someone isn’t always right and sometimes there’s a rationale behind it (for my dad, there was, and even my mother said they wouldn’t have lasted anyway - long time coming, sort of thing). But I disagree with the way it happened and don’t see the point in glossing over It to make themselves feel better because it was so crappy. I was unwell at the time, I was five years old, and I found the whole ordeal really traumatic afterwards. I wish that either 1) my dad had sat down and broke things off properly with my mother before beginning a new relationship, or 2) that my now stepmother had forced him to split with my mother before beginning a r’ship. But I suppose life isn’t that easy!

 

[katyazamo]

Yeah, I mean, I don’t want an open marriage. Neither does my wife. We’re quite happy with monogamy.

my point really is that I don’t see why someone straying is considered SO heinous. It’s not good, but people make mistakes. It’s not ideal but it’s not crime of the century either.

I think some of the theatrics from grown adults about it are over the top.

A monogamous marriage is ultimately a contract to each other. No, you don't "own" each other, but you've entered into a marriage on the expectation that you'll be faithful to one another. Of course someone is going to make a big deal if a commitment like that is broken. Someone cheating or having an afffair is clearly unhappy with some aspect of their marriage.

As with everything in life though, it needs nuance. Someone who has a kisses a colleague on a drunken night out isn't in the same box as someone who goes out of their way to have an affair for years. But at the same time, someone cheating or having an affair is never truly a mistake - a mistake is when you leave your dinner in the oven for too long! I think it's more poor judgement than anytihng else.

 

[Thorongil]

A monogamous marriage is ultimately a contract to each other. No, you don't "own" each other, but you've entered into a marriage on the expectation that you'll be faithful to one another. Of course someone is going to make a big deal if a commitment like that is broken. Someone cheating or having an afffair is clearly unhappy with some aspect of their marriage.

As with everything in life though, it needs nuance. Someone who has a kisses a colleague on a drunken night out isn't in the same box as someone who goes out of their way to have an affair for years. But at the same time, someone cheating or having an affair is never truly a mistake - a mistake is when you leave your dinner in the oven for too long! I think it's more poor judgement than anytihng else.

I totally agree.

And I agree that it is understandable that it would cause upset. What I don’t get is the degree of the upset, how it makes the other person or persons scum or vile or whatever.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

It is probably less the act itself but what it represents - being betrayed, trust being broken, lied to.

Imagine your wife would steal your money or do something else to betray you for your benefit?

I read that cheating can even lead to post traumatic stress disorder.

I was cheated on (like many of us have), and honestly, the moment i found out was horrific and i had flashbacks of things for months. Its awful.

All the things you named are totally separate though - trust and respect are not the same as monogamy. Plenty of couples can have open relationships where they have other sexual partners and can be far more open and honest than a monogamous pair.

I see them as part of being monogamous.. or just a part of being with someone you love.

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

Unpopular opinion: I don't judge the other woman/man/person in any of the situations in this thread.

I've never been the other woman and never will be - I want to be the ONLY woman and value myself too highly to settle for less. But when it comes to cheating, I think it's solely the person in the relationship who is doing the cheating who is responsible for hurting their partner and destroying their trust.

Even if another woman knows that my husband is married and pursues him relentlessly, it's my husband's fault if he chooses to have an affair. He is not a helpless victim at the mercy of an evil succubus.