Well I am literally in awe of the man, and think you may be all just be a little bit jealous. He has literally dazzled us with his skills and achievements so much lately. Let’s look at the evidence…..
1. CHEF , his skills with an air fryer and bread knife will become legendary in the future, and the way the man can expertly butter half a toasted currant tea cake makes me weep(literally) ,and of course we must always nod to his signature dish , the slurry, one pan alone can literally sustain and nourish for a fortnight.
2. TRAVEL AGENT, after a 7 minute online course to help him become an even bigger scammer, he will now ,literally be able to book on behalf of all you Joe Bloggs out there the shittiest fleapits ever known to man, and is not shy in demonstrating his dazzling new skills. Ladies and gentlemen may I present the Super 8 Motel Clearwater!! This leads me to….
3. TOUR GUIDE, the way the man can effortlessly read a Wikipedia fact from anywhere in the world whilst simultaneously racing from landmark to landmark with Pouty in his wake filming the back of his head is literally astonishing, anyone would think he literally wanted to get the sightseeing
tit out of the way so he could get to the nearest hostelry for 5 blue moons and half a croque monsieur.
3. CARPENTER, his skills with a child’s paintbrush and 4 pieces of wood literally took my breath away, and as for his genius and ultra safe way of transporting from one luxury accommodation to another, wow. I mean a lesser man would have made it at the caravan where it was meant for, with literally all that outside space to work in, nope he thrills us by cleverly injecting a little more jeopardy into the proceedings, thus making the slog even more of a must see. Will his haphazard brushwork mean there will literally be paint all over the grey rug and floor; as he inexplicably uses it for his DIY wizardry!! Will the brakes fail and his spider slaying miracle screen garrotte him halfway up the A64! (
)
4. STYLE ICON, the way he can literally match a manky hoodie with anything and style it for any occasion. He can dress it up for meals out with friends and family, or for afternoon tea in a lovely hotel, perfectly matched with a primark bag. A bimble on the beach or mooch round town, it matters not. He literally just makes it look so je ne sais quoi.
5. WORDSMITH, his hilarious and constant mispronunciations, which he of course does on purpose to wind us up are literally amazing. He literally does not mind that all it does is show him to be the most uneducated numbskull on the planet. He does though share this remarkable skill with his not better half Pouty, who if I may say is even more talented at being the dumbest
duck at the Lodge. Displayed admirably last night may I say with the fabulous chef and Somalia line, we knew you meant Sommelier Pouty and you definately know what one is. You trickster
.
6. HOST WITH THE MOST, effortlessly catering for 10 guests with only a little help from good old Marks and Sparks and his trusty air fryer. So much food! Carrot sticks galore, 6 pounds of cheese expertly crafted into small bricks, a mountain of badly buttered bread, 3 individual quiches between 10 and ham which Pouty wanted rolled (like what Elaine did
). No need for that just throw it at a plate! Oh how I wish I was in the inner circle!
if you are still with me, I know it is a long one but I have had a busy few work weeks being a worthwhile member of society and needed to vent!!
karma