The Depression Thread

[whatktdid]

It sounds like you’re going through a lot now and it’s really hard to admit when you’re not actually okay especially when you’re someone who puts on a brave face. The fact that you’re going to CBT is a huge step and you should be proud of yourself. Having these feelings doesn’t make you weak and it’s not something to be ashamed of I can totally relate to everything you’ve said, you will have a breakthrough when you’re ready don’t give up.

Thank you, that really helps to hear

 

[mindlessness]

Therapy can definitely be hard when it breaks down your defenses/coping strategies @whatktdid. At least in my experience it has been!
I promise it gets better. Well done for taking the first step and starting CBT.

 

[emm]

Oh, how do you find those? I’m up north. All I’ve seen is a free intro session then block book or it’ll be £60-£100 for an hour depending on the therapist. My therapist said he’ll get me some recommendations before he leaves but I’ll have to see how much they charge.

Great to hear it’s working for you Sometimes you just need someone to help you put stuff in to perspective. That’s how I approached my sessions, and have made a lot of “holistic progress”. He was fed up of the bureaucracy of the NHS so is going fully private.

Sorry just catching up on this thread, I went to a therapist a while ago (in London but presumably now could be online) who offered a sliding scale of payment, if you are still looking I will try and find the details

 

[no-no]

Sorry just catching up on this thread, I went to a therapist a while ago (in London but presumably now could be online) who offered a sliding scale of payment, if you are still looking I will try and find the details

Thank you I’ve found someone local who is a lot cheaper than the ones I’d seen, she seems great and covers the areas I want to work on. But now I’m skint so will have to do it in a few months. Got my last session with the NHS this evening

 

[Maid22]

@Raymond Luxury-Yacht thank you for asking, I've had a really bad time, but am coming through it now, I hate how it makes me feel, the lost days etc x
Hope everyone else on here are ok.

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

@Raymond Luxury-Yacht thank you for asking, I've had a really bad time, but am coming through it now, I hate how it makes me feel, the lost days etc x
Hope everyone else on here are ok.

They aren’t lost days any more than sick days when you have flu, are lost days. You may need a day to recover/sleep/nurture yourself when having tricky times with therapy. That is NOT laziness/wasteful/indulgent etc. it’s necessary to keep your strength up, and to stay mentally and emotionally resilient enough to continue with the therapy.

I had therapy when I was in my early 20s. It was to deal with something huge. I had it on tuesday afternoons. I needed up going part time at work because I’d get so agitated on Tuesday mornings knowing I had to have therapy that day, that I couldn’t manage at work. Luckily I was living at home so could afford to.

It’s so hard. You are being courageous and sensible giving yourself the nurturing you need to get through this.

 

[TapToBoreMeRigid]

Struggling with knowing where my "normal" emotional reactions to events end and mental illness begins.

I don't remember myself before mental illness. I've had OCD/anxiety since aged 7 and I've gathered a whole load of diagnoses since.

I don't know how people coped before they had the Internet to talk to like-minded people.

 

[Maid22]

They aren’t lost days any more than sick days when you have flu, are lost days. You may need a day to recover/sleep/nurture yourself when having tricky times with therapy. That is NOT laziness/wasteful/indulgent etc. it’s necessary to keep your strength up, and to stay mentally and emotionally resilient enough to continue with the therapy.

I had therapy when I was in my early 20s. It was to deal with something huge. I had it on tuesday afternoons. I needed up going part time at work because I’d get so agitated on Tuesday mornings knowing I had to have therapy that day, that I couldn’t manage at work. Luckily I was living at home so could afford to.

It’s so hard. You are being courageous and sensible giving yourself the nurturing you need to get through this.

It is hard, but I do find them to be lost days, I wish it was because I was ill, like flu etc, I'd feel yes, I've had a normal illness, but this tit, it's the worst feeling, then I get the guilt feeling cos other folks have serious health issues, sometimes I wish I had that than this, there's still alot of folks who don't understand, and alot of folks who just use it as an excuse

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Yes, I’m struggling with that at the moment. It really sucks and I’m so sorry it’s happening to you too. It’s hard when you know what you’re doing, but it’s kind of overpowering. Anyone who doesn’t understand would just say, “don’t look her up then”, but it’s not that simple when it’s connected to a mental illness.

I think because I’m pretty depressed at the moment (and have just had a rough week of PMT), certain vulnerabilities come back from something I used to struggle with.

I wish I could offer some advice @Raymond Luxury-Yacht , I‘m sending solidarity though. I’m going to wash my hair, lose myself in a movie and see if that will help. Take care of yourself lovely, you deserve it. That goes for everyone here too x

Oh just knowing I’m not alone in this helps a lot! Thank you so much for your kind words and for reaching out, it means the world to me. I’m actually doing slightly better today, don’t want to jinx it but it’s nowhere near as bad as it was last week. I hope you overcome this, take care of yourself too How are you today?

Triggers? Absolutely!
It's a well-trodden path to go down where you know all the twists and turns and exactly what's going to happen. It's tit, isn't it?

I’d say the shittiest thing is that you know it’s wrong, yet you still keep on doing it. Can it be a sort of emotional self-harm?

It can be a hard habit to break but If you're just looking at her social media you're not doing any harm. You'll stop when you stop. Are you still in contact with this person?

Thanks goodness I’m not in contact with her. She just makes me feel jealous and pathetic but I tried to break down what exactly makes me feel pathetic and am working on it. Thank you

I’m also doing this at the moment and trying to ride it out. I’ll stop soon, but keep looking at my ex and his new ‘target’. Initially I was doing it out of safety because he was stalking me but now he’s gone official (very fast, typical narc) it’s like watching the calm before the storm. I know it’s unhealthy but not something I intend to do long-term. He was aiming for one colleague who got with another colleague and is now engaged, so I expect this one will be pregnant soon to up the ante.

Heard the young neighbours arguing before. They’re always at it. So many arguments remind me of ones I’ve had. It all just puts me off relationships. I don’t know whether I would want to trust again. I fully understand those couples who don’t live together now. It does get lonely on your own when you don’t have friends, but it would be nice to go out for dinner/on trips with someone.

I think I’m going to look into volunteering soon. I’ve put it off because I have so much stuff I want to learn but I’m procrastinating with that so might as well. Found a therapist who charges £45 which is the cheapest I’ve found, but I really need to clear some debts.

I’m happy to hear you got out of this unhealthy relationship! Well done, no need to make a step back. I hope you overcome this, you’ve got this

Yes to this and to @Raymond Luxury-Yacht. I think something to do with confirmation bias. Which I believe means our brains would rather we were unhappy (but predicatably so) than happy and “wrong” about something, if that makes sense. Has anyone ever discussed that with a therapist? For me it is one of my very biggest stumbling blocks and I seem not to be able to overcome it. I hate it when people say “it’s like you want to be unhappy” but I guess there is something to it?

That’s an interesting point. I’ve thought about this before and realised I almost don’t know how to be happy. Like, I’m always expecting something to go wrong, I feel like I don’t deserve good times and that they will pass soon.

@Raymond Luxury-Yacht thank you for asking, I've had a really bad time, but am coming through it now, I hate how it makes me feel, the lost days etc x
Hope everyone else on here are ok.

I’m so glad to hear that! You can do it!

I echo what everybody else has said @whatktdid. How are you doing today?

 

[rainbowlemon]

I still have my ups and downs. Just trying to take it moment by moment as cliched as that sounds. I just came back from my evening walk so feeling pretty okay. I felt my best when I was doing gym 6 days a week but I'm nowhere near my old fitness level so just starting with more walking.

I think maybe reframing it would work. Everytime you look her up maybe you just want connection.

If it was a toxic relationship there are things such as trauma bonds which make it hard to give someone up.

Being and feeling jealous doesn't make you pathetic They are just feelings and adding more shame and guilt on top doesn't help us. I say this all the time but journaling will help you understand your why.

" I’m always expecting something to go wrong,"

This reads as classic hypervigillence for me. I grew up in a home with a lot of domestic violence. I never really felt safe because It wasn't. Learning to calm your nervous system will help with this. What small things can you do to make yourself feel safer? It was having a thick blanket and candles when I was over sitimulated.

I still struggle with not feeling like I have any selfworth- I've been trying to work on myself esteem. It might sound woo, but I bought a new one line a day journal which arrived this week. Just writing one positive affirmation and things I'm grateful for. I also listen to self esteem affirmations on youtube (on day 3). The thing is if you hear something over and over again you will start to believe it.

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Everytime you look her up maybe you just want connection.

If it was a toxic relationship there are things such as trauma bonds which make it hard to give someone up.


I say this all the time but journaling will help you understand your why.

You sound so wise Thank you for this post.

That first bit in my quote resonates so much. That’s why I look up my ex I guess, because it’s a way of still feeling connected and therefore avoiding the pain of accepting something is over?

On the journaling front, would you mind at some point (if you have time) sharing anything about how you journal? I do it a decent amount and I think it does help but sometimes I just feel like I’m ranting and moaning and not necessarily gaining much insight!

 

[rainbowlemon]

You sound so wise Thank you for this post.

That first bit in my quote resonates so much. That’s why I look up my ex I guess, because it’s a way of still feeling connected and therefore avoiding the pain of accepting something is over?

On the journaling front, would you mind at some point (if you have time) sharing anything about how you journal? I do it a decent amount and I think it does help but sometimes I just feel like I’m ranting and moaning and not necessarily gaining much insight!

Thank you for the compliment. I'm still learning. I spent a very long time in therapy and also read a lot around it just trying to understand.

I think you've hit the nail! My favourite quote from Niles Crane is "The first step to healing is not to bury the pain but to feel it in it's fullest depths."

How long were you with your ex for?

Talking about something is not moaning and ranting is good in my book. I have my larger journal from paperchase and just write anything and everything. Money I spent. Places I went. Movie/ book I watched or read. Conversations I had word. Goals. Sometimes it would be doodles too. I don't think you should limit yourself because it's what's important to you in that moment. It's only when you look back can you see the changes that have occurred. I read the diary of Anne Frank every year, no way am I or will I ever be as articulate and self aware as she was at 15- but I don't have to be.

You can however also get journals with prompts too from Amazon. I would pick some for my sister. I got these questions from Tess holiday's instagram.

What if i had been loved from the start?
How would I have chosen differently if I had not learned to feel apologetic for my existence?
What could I have been if I had never been taught to question my worth?
How does it feel to not have to work at loving yourself?

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Thank you for the compliment. I'm still learning. I spent a very long time in therapy and also read a lot around it just trying to understand.

I think you've hit the nail! My favourite quote from Niles Crane is "The first step to healing is not to bury the pain but to feel it in it's fullest depths."

How long were you with your ex for?

Talking about something is not moaning and ranting is good in my book. I have my larger journal from paperchase and just write anything and everything. Money I spent. Places I went. Movie/ book I watched or read. Conversations I had word. Goals. Sometimes it would be doodles too. I don't think you should limit yourself because it's what's important to you in that moment. It's only when you look back can you see the changes that have occurred. I read the diary of Anne Frank every year, no way am I or will I ever be as articulate and self aware as she was at 15- but I don't have to be.

You can however also get journals with prompts too from Amazon. I would pick some for my sister. I got these questions from Tess holiday's instagram.

What if i had been loved from the start?
How would I have chosen differently if I had not learned to feel apologetic for my existence?
What could I have been if I had never been taught to question my worth?
How does it feel to not have to work at loving yourself?

Thank you so much for such a lovely and thorough reply!

Those prompts… oof. Amazing. Powerful stuff!

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I still have my ups and downs. Just trying to take it moment by moment as cliched as that sounds. I just came back from my evening walk so feeling pretty okay. I felt my best when I was doing gym 6 days a week but I'm nowhere near my old fitness level so just starting with more walking.

I think maybe reframing it would work. Everytime you look her up maybe you just want connection.

If it was a toxic relationship there are things such as trauma bonds which make it hard to give someone up.

Being and feeling jealous doesn't make you pathetic They are just feelings and adding more shame and guilt on top doesn't help us. I say this all the time but journaling will help you understand your why.

" I’m always expecting something to go wrong,"

This reads as classic hypervigillence for me. I grew up in a home with a lot of domestic violence. I never really felt safe because It wasn't. Learning to calm your nervous system will help with this. What small things can you do to make yourself feel safer? It was having a thick blanket and candles when I was over sitimulated.

I still struggle with not feeling like I have any selfworth- I've been trying to work on myself esteem. It might sound woo, but I bought a new one line a day journal which arrived this week. Just writing one positive affirmation and things I'm grateful for. I also listen to self esteem affirmations on youtube (on day 3). The thing is if you hear something over and over again you will start to believe it.

I think you were quoting me, thank you so much for this thoughtful reply You sound so wise! Every post of yours gives me so much food for thought. I have been considering journaling for a while, maybe be the time I gave it a

I’ve never heard of hypervigillence but just a quick google shows it can stem from trauma. I had an okay childhood, especially compared to other people, and it’s a bit strange to think I might have been traumatised as a child…I’m sorry you were exposed to domestic violence at such a young age, it’s a horrible thing to go through, but especially so for young children. You are truly a hero and fighter


How is everyone doing today? Hope you are being kind to yourself and have a nice, calm weekend all!

 

[Penguin86]

I spent a few days off meds due to running out and it really reminded me how much I need them. Had a horrendous time emotionally. Didn't have anyone to talk to about it either.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Didn't have anyone to talk to about it either.

I’m so sorry lovely We are always here for you if you want to talk!

 

[aidil]

Just dropping in to say I worked up the confidence to speak to my doctor today about my anxiety issues and I’m being started on sertraline. Really hoping this helps level me out! I was on citalopram in the past but the intrusive thoughts I had on it really put me off trying it again.

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Just dropping in to say I worked up the confidence to speak to my doctor today about my anxiety issues and I’m being started on sertraline. Really hoping this helps level me out! I was on citalopram in the past but the intrusive thoughts I had on it really put me off trying it again.

Thank you for sharing this. I’m going to the GP on Monday to do the same! First time for me and I am weirdly relieved now that I’ve finally decided to do it. I know there are no guarantees and it’s no picnic but it’s so nice to think that there might be something that will take the edge off and let me enjoy life a bit more. Even a tiny bit!

 

[aidil]

Thank you for sharing this. I’m going to the GP on Monday to do the same! First time for me and I am weirdly relieved now that I’ve finally decided to do it. I know there are no guarantees and it’s no picnic but it’s so nice to think that there might be something that will take the edge off and let me enjoy life a bit more. Even a tiny bit!

Well done! Just booking the appointment is half the battle I hope they manage to get you sorted too. I got myself so worked up before the appointment that I was shaking as I talked to the doctor. And I needn’t have because she was so understanding and helpful! It honestly feels like such a weight off my shoulders to have just told someone. I hope you feel the same on Monday! Keep us updated!

 

[Blue Rose]

I was really struggling tonight. I got quite drunk for fun as I’d had a good week but then started feel really low and wanting to sh. I then (silently) danced around and decided to pierce my second helix. I’ve tried a few times and failed but managed to this time. I’m not sure if it was the best thing to do but I do feel better now. I had a call with my unis well-being service and I think I’m a bit wound up over it. Now I have the potentiality of getting help I don’t want it because I don’t want to face things.