The Depression Thread

[lemonl189]

Thank you so much, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear You are right, and I hope you are doing fine today, too!

I love this thread so much, you are all amazing

I feel content today I’m trying to improve so much in my life by taking baby steps I’m looking forward to the future and grateful for what I already have I’m learning to get stronger and love myself im not putting too much pressure on myself as I know not all days are perfect. And me too this thread is helping so much within knowing I’m not alone with my feelings and others also have struggles too I’m trying to overcome my anxiety and depression and heal trauma wounds.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Am sorry you lost a beloved pet too, it's really hard, I do have another dog, which I'm glad I have, but I've never been so upset (that includes all my pets and my only one close family member) over my little boy, I'd give everything to have him back.
Still can't sleep, got a few decisions to make tomorrow, shall go listen to some pink Floyd!! Thanks for the chat @Sideboard Bob, take care x

Aww I totally understand. I do have another pet who I love just as much, and I’m so grateful. I guess you have to just keep them in your memory, then they’re always there. I really hope you got a good sleep in the end. Thank you too. I couldn’t find the words last night, but your kindness and understanding means the world to me x

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

I am so tired of me

Spoiler: TW: Suicide

Early 20s me wouldn't be scared to try and commit suicide like 35 year old me is. In fact I "died" twice but was brought back

As we get older we understand the ramifications of things, whereas when we’re younger we’re a lot more resilient and carefree. I notice things like heights and wading put too far into be sea terrify me now, despite being a strong swimmer and never fearing height before! Fear is good, it means you are less likely to do things on a whim.

I am so tired of me

Spoiler: TW: Suicide

Early 20s me wouldn't be scared to try and commit suicide like 35 year old me is. In fact I "died" twice but was brought back

Can we help? Not trying to sound flippant but I sometimes get so fed up and overwhelmed, I just go for a nap. It’s the only way to switch off and forget for a few hours!

 

[lemonl189]

Help!
im new to this forum I have just Made my account and this is my first post.
I’m searching for help because I am too scared to talk to anyone about how I feel face to face. I’m having a really hard time and I cannot control my thoughts some days I can think things are getting better and the next days are the lowest of low. Some back story throughout my childhood it was never good in school I used to get bullied for the way I looked and I always tried to fit in however a few years later at the 16 age I starting getting some attention i liked but I was way out of my league and then had a traumatic accident 2 years ago and was burnt and left alone (I think this is where my trauma lies I’m not sure I’m over it) I lost all my confidence and had to return to school all my friends knowing what happened and had massive burn patches on the side of my face. At the time this didn’t fase me at all I thought it wouldn’t affect me (it has now I think it is because I never processed it) 3 years after I now dropped out of college no job no friends because of anxiety and depression (not diagnosed) I get flashbacks of what happened I’m too scared to admit my feelings because I have no one to talk to and the people I know we don’t have that kind of open relationship or don’t take me seriously. I want to change my life so bad I want to get back into education a job and new friends I have missed out on so much the fire took so much away from me and during the lockdown I think is when I processed what had happened and that’s when it all hit me I didn’t leave the house for months gave up on things I enjoyed and lost myself. How can I change things to make things better and get a better life?

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I hope you will be able to resolve the sleep situation Penguin, it sounds frustrating!

I’m a bit...distraught because I’ve been working on my extra qualifications for a year now in order to make a career change, and yesterday I found out that the requirements have been changed yet again without warning and it looks like I don’t qualify. I have been working and studying full time for months, Saturdays and Sundays included, can’t believe it’s all in vain. I am pretty sure it was my dissatisfaction with my career choices that originally made me spiral into depression. I might as well just give up and go with the flow if it does not work out.

 

[TapToBoreMeRigid]

I finished Clomipramine almost 8w ago and was so unwell physically for 4.5w. Since then I've had horrific intrusive thoughts and anxiety that wakes me up. I came off Clomipramine because it was no longer working - just leaving me apathetic, and because it isn't safe in pregnancy - I begin Clomid in December depending on some other factors.

Anyway last week I realised that whether this is relapse or discontinuation syndrome I need help. I've been on 50mg Sertraline for 5 days. This was the only option available to me as I've tried the other pregnancy safe medicines with no joy.

I've struggled with MH since I was 7. I'm now 35. I've been medicated for 20 years on various things. I know medication isn't weakness so...why do I feel it is? I know it's an intrusion designed to make me feel shit. I wish mental illness could be reasoned with.

I've developed TMJ as a result of anxiety so I convinced myself it's a serious medical issue.

I just need this medicine to work because right now I just feel hungover and terrified.

I'm sorry for the essay. I only have my husband to talk to and though he is so supportive, I'm scared of him getting sick of this.

Love to all of you.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

thank you for listening, it means the world to me. I’ve tried talking to friends about it but they just brush it off because I’m known as the ‘fun one who loves to party’

I’ve started making a list tonight of triggers to discuss on Tuesday

Of course love, I know what its like. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be when you try to open up to friends and they miss the point.

It’s such a good idea to make a list! You‘re doing such an amazing thing for yourself, no exaggeration.
Sorry to go back to my own experiences, but when I had to go to a doctor about a mental health issue I was ashamed of, I wrote so much down beforehand, and it helped so much.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Alcohol and ads are a massive no no, but it's easier said than done, alot of folks self medicate with alcohol, I've done it for years, tis a hard habit to break.

I take fluoxetine, you are not supposed to mix it with alcohol but it’s doable. I have, it was okay, but I have noticed I’m much better when I’m teetotal.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Has anybody ever tried a CBT book? I don’t dare do CBT yet so would like to try a book myself perhaps.

I am struggling at the moment and feel embarrassed and almost ashamed to admit it. Today we got a puppy. A puppy i have wanted for years. We’ve spent ages researching it and I’ve been so excited all week to pick him up. Today came and I’ve spent it in tears worrying I’ve made a mistake and regretting it. I am embarrassed of my thought process, I do this for so many situations. I’ve spent what should have been a happy day, in tears all day. It’s like a sign I need to sort myself out now.

Hey there!

Unfortunately, I have no experience with CBT so I can’t say anything about that. As for your situation with the puppy, you sounds like you are just emotionally overwhelmed at the moment. As someone who made some other similarly life-changing decisions last year and is about to make another, I know this feeling so well. It does not necessarily mean you are unhappy or are going to regret your decision. It just shows you might be emotionally tired after all the stresses. I hope you can get over it and grow to love your new puppy. I absolutely adore dogs BTW, is it a boy or a girl? What’s the breed?

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I find it really draining when im in a hole and everyones happy happy. Im just like oh fck off

That’s exactly how I’m feeling now! I want to be happy for them but I just can’t. Everybody says I should be enjoying my life because I am young and relatively healthy, but that’s just not happening I am a people pleaser and keep a cheery façade so I don’t ~look~ depressed, I guess

Neither selfish or childish. That would upset me too. I’m good, watching the match on my own with a cup of tea haha, so civilised! England are on fire though ha!

Aw that sounds lovely! Enjoy the match! I am not watching but rooting for England, obviously

 

[Maid22]

They aren’t lost days any more than sick days when you have flu, are lost days. You may need a day to recover/sleep/nurture yourself when having tricky times with therapy. That is NOT laziness/wasteful/indulgent etc. it’s necessary to keep your strength up, and to stay mentally and emotionally resilient enough to continue with the therapy.

I had therapy when I was in my early 20s. It was to deal with something huge. I had it on tuesday afternoons. I needed up going part time at work because I’d get so agitated on Tuesday mornings knowing I had to have therapy that day, that I couldn’t manage at work. Luckily I was living at home so could afford to.

It’s so hard. You are being courageous and sensible giving yourself the nurturing you need to get through this.

It is hard, but I do find them to be lost days, I wish it was because I was ill, like flu etc, I'd feel yes, I've had a normal illness, but this shit, it's the worst feeling, then I get the guilt feeling cos other folks have serious health issues, sometimes I wish I had that than this, there's still alot of folks who don't understand, and alot of folks who just use it as an excuse

 

[flutternutter]

God i dont even cry anymore. I just sit

I feel like now the sertraline is starting to work on my anxiety i have nothing else. I existed on anxiety, rushing around from 1 panic to the next.

 

[Penguin86]

I feel like I need to go back on medicine to just get through day to day life but I'm terrified of the weight gain. It's really stressing me out because I already feel disgusting about myself. The joys of mental health and low self esteem eh.

You need to at least try the medication

 

[Penguin86]

Do any of you with MH issues find that you hoard stuff?

 

[Maid22]

You are lucky with your gp, I hadn't seen mine for years, but I was so bad (nearly crashed when I was driving, anxiety attack) spent days in bed, physically couldn't function, my oh was so worried about me (had tried suicide years before) made me realise I needed help, first Dr was crap, prescribed Amitriptyline and told me to go to Waterstones and get a book on anxiety and depression!!!

 

[flutternutter]

Yeah that’s has been suggested. I think I expected to see him happy with someone else, which wouldn’t really matter anyway because he didn’t want me. I also sometimes get this really weird feeling like he’s pulling on my energy (my whole face starts to itch and I instantly feel really drained). It comes out of nowhere and isn’t ever triggered by anything obvious. I’m sure that’s actually nuts because I doubt he even remembers my name anymore, let alone thinks of me). I still love him and don’t think I’ll ever get over it because it was the last straw before I had a breakdown in 2019. I just can’t believe it’s still so raw after 2 years of no contact.

Little steps are good and at least you have a few more days without work.

Im a strong believer that people come into your life for a reason. One day you'll wonder why you ever looked back. I did for years but now its gone

 

[justmeandmycat]

@Libbylulu Thinking of you. How are you feeling today?
@Pariszai This is a really good step! Proud of you for taking it. I hope the meeting went well. Let us know!
Personally very down and anxious today, scared, anxious, nervous, disappointed, the list goes on and on. It is 4 am here and sleep is not happening. I am tired of life in general. I have really been trying so hard. Just want to be at a safe and stable baseline.

 

[flutternutter]

Dr wont increase my dose yet. Suggested talking therapy but ive done it before and i dont want to bore myself never mind another person telling them how work makes me depressed.

I write down in a book every shitty thing that happens at work so if i get offered another job and doubt taking it, i can refer back to the last 2 years of utter hell.

Someones just gone off on the sick with stress so I am not alone but even moaning here I just feel pathetic. There's people with real problems, i have been one of them myself and now here I am moaning about a job.

It just feels like it hits me sideways every day. It's so hard to pick myself up and get on with it

 

[Misbehaving]

My depression and more so my anxiety is bad this week. My younger brother was diagnosed with stage 1 lymphoma today & needs rounds of chemo and radiotherapy. The whole process of diagnosis has made me feel extremely stressed obviously but now I’m in a deep pit of depression thinking why the fuck does this have to happen to a child?

I just think life is so shit.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that how awful for your family and yourself that's a devastating thing to have happen. Sending love and best wishes I know it's probably not any consolation but about 15 years ago my husband (he was 32) had (Non Hodgkin's) Lymphoma and it was considered very aggressive and quite advanced and the chemo and radiation was hard going but he survived it and we were lucky to have the benefit of a great medical team the NHS truly were brilliant and so prompt and helpful that to this day I still feel fortunate for that.
I really hope that you have the same experience he's young and resilient and honestly the sooner he starts treatment and gets it over and done with the sooner he can recover from it?
Try to think about it like that? It sounds like they caught it early trust me that's a good thing it gives a greater chance of Beating it?
Look after yourself (or do your best sometimes the very advice to look after yourself can seem like a chore or something you don't feel like doing) but in order to be there for others we have to be there for ourselves as well?
Yes you have every reason to be depressed (not that any of us need a reason sometimes but God it's understandable in the circumstances) and ironically in my opinion depression is something that quite often happens to good people who care about others and who internalise the worry and stress and pain of those around them?
It's completely understandable that you would do that and Lymphoma isn't fair especially to a child but we (as far as i know) don't really know what causes it or why some people get it and others don't?
So as horrible as it is once the grief of the diagnosis passes and also hopefully the intensity of the fear know that we can unfortunately only do our best to be supportive and place our faith in the doctors hands (sorry if I'm repeating myself) time will tell and hopefully alleviate any pain he might feel and then bring with it the power of a recovery and healing?
I really really hope so and really why not?
Be as brave as you can stand to be it will be a positive power one way or another as will love.
I believe in you. .. and hopefully you can believe in life for yourself and your brother we can but try in these difficult moments? Anything helps?
I hope you have a good support network for both yourself and your brother that can really help as well.
Again so sorry for this but wishing you and your brother better health in the future. Good luck and bless you

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

Aw thanks for your message I'm a bit better but not much. Loads of shit things just keep happening so I'm a bit stressed. When I'm stressed I just go from 0-100 and get so angry and upset. I let it get to me too much and I get upset. Trying to get by for the baby but it's so hard

Hope you're feeling better too darling x

I hate that out of control feeling, it’s so debilitating because you can’t explain why and you can’t work out how to resolve. I’ve got it today, I’m not angry or upset but I feel really anxious for no reason at all. I’m gonna go for a walk when I can just to breath easier for half an hour!