The Depression Thread

[heretoreaditall2019]

Sorry guys I don’t want to be rude and drop in on an ongoing conversation, Will go back and read this as I’m sure there will be insights in older posts -

Sounds dumb but have you ever “developed” depression from a foundation of anxiety and poor self esteem? Is that even possible? I’ve always been an anxious person & have taken medicines for it in the past (beta blockers and zopeclone I can’t spell sorry xx) but would never ever see myself as a depressed or sad person overall, like quite the opposite I’m a chronic ppl pleaser which means being fake and happy all the time?? But I’m really struggling at the moment but also think a lot of it is triggered by external things? Like on the one hand I have my internal belief system which ranks myself as pretty low down then there’s situational stuff going on at the mo that feeds into it and compounds it?

I ended up booking a GP appt through Babylon (so it’s not very good tbh - super brief and they don’t know any of your back history) and getting prescribed something she described as half anti anxiety half anti depressant, I’m sooo scared as it is an SSRI and they’re quite stigmatised aren’t they? My husband doesn’t want me to take them but I just want to stop feeling so sensitive and sad about things that are said or happen cos I’m finding it tough at the mo.

Sorry for the stupid post and to be so ignorant, it’s from a place of fear rather than anything else xx

 

[Sideboard Bob]

thank you!
Im not really sure to be honest. I’ve spoken to them a few times regarding my drinking etc & they’ve suggested places to go to, but I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to actually change until now. Hopefully Tuesday will open some doors.
thank you for listening to my moaning. I feel very alone recently & like I have nobody to speak to about it as I’m ashamed.

I‘m so glad for you that you want to change. I can’t pretend to understand, but from what I know, that’s a huge step, and ugh I know it must be hard but this is such a positive thing.
I hope Tuesday will help too. There’s every chance it will. If for some reason, it doesn’t go well, please, please don’t be disheartened, you’ve already got this far.

Oh gosh of course. It’s why we’re all here. It feels so lonely. Please don’t be ashamed. I don’t even know you but I admire so much that you’re being open and seeking help. Also, it’s an illness, you have no reason to be ashamed.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

How is everyone doing today? I’m a bit better after getting 7 hours of sleep, am going to take my medication right after breakfast. Hope you are all okay

 

[rainbowlemon]

My first time on this thread, I can’t reply to everyone individually but I’m so sorry for all of you having to deal with this, it’s so consuming

After 18 months of suffering (mainly with anxiety but probably mild depression too), I finally called my GP this week. I had a telephone consultation where he basically asked if I was suicidal (I'm not) then recommended me some books to read on coping with anxiety and depression. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I know there are many people who are suffering even more, but I was really hoping for a little more than that, it’s taken me SO long to admit to myself that I’m not right, I’m struggling and it’s taking its toll now. For perspective, I rarely see my GP - I think I’ve had maybe 4 appointments (for other things) in about 10 years, so I really had to work myself up to call. I was so pleased I finally managed to call and book an appointment and now I guess I just feel deflated.

Pain at the end of the day is pain. I always found the others are struggling more line invaliding of what you're going through.

You can also self refer.

Find an NHS talking therapies service

If you live in England and are aged 18 or over, you can access NHS talking therapies services for anxiety and depression.

www.nhs.uk

If you would like to try antidepressants, bring that up in your next appointment.

*Invalidating

 

[Hepaticus]

I never really thought of myself as resilient so thank you. Much more has happened than stated on here but everyone has their own stuff going on. Thank you for allowing me to share. I am currently reading 101 essays that Will change the way you think - can highly recommend for looking at things in different ways

That sounds really interesting! Thanks for the recommendation!

 

[strawberry07]

Hi, just wanted to post a little vent (idk if that's what you'd call it), and see if anyone has any advice.


I've been diagnosed with depression for 6 years now and I'm currently taking 50mg of sertraline. But I have a feeling I'm getting worse, apart from being super depressed and anxious pretty much all of the time, I'm starting to have really bad issues with 'reality' and by that I mean I don't know if anything is real. I forget that other people are real and not just characters in my head (the best way to describe this feeling is that I'm in a tv show). It's making it so hard to have conversations with people, do my Uni work, to take anything seriously because my brain keeps telling me that nothing matters and I'm going to die anyway so what's the point? I have no desire to do anything, I keep joking to my boyfriend that I want to go live in a commune but really I'm not joking, I hate this world we live in.

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

Yes, there are options, but I was aiming for this specific one and it’s hard to accept it’s slipping away like sand through fingers. The application process only takes place once a year, and last year I did not qualify so I spent a whole year retraining only to find out the bar has been lifted again. It’s ridiculous. I really messed up when choosing my degree years ago, and I refuse to believe that a stupid mistake I made as a teenager means I will never get my dream job. I’m not giving up just yet, but I’m trying to mentally prepare for another failure so it does not hit hard when/if it happens.

Thank you for always taking the time to reply darling, you are so kind to me



I guess I might spend another year, but all of these failures make me question myself. Maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe it’s not meant to be. I don’t know.
And I know exactly what you mean, I’m okay with earning less if it means having a job that I like instead of a high paying one that would be killing me slowly, but even that is not possible and I am not ready to settle for something that neither pays nor brings satisfaction.
I don’t know your age, but surely you are not “too old”. Could you possibly keep your current job while looking for other opportunities in the field you want to work in? Maybe try and get some experience there like volunteering, short-time projects? Or there might be jobs that marry the two field?

To be honest, my current career is my second.
My first was very low paid, very stressful but very rewarding and I left because I’d had enough of working 12 hours a day and be seen as scum by society.

I am now a consultant in my field and my day rate is over 3 times what I could earn even just doing the same job full time. The work is mostly interesting and I can do it with my eyes closed. To go back to the beginning worrying about money all the time would kill me. I spent the first 10 years out of uni living hand to mouth (I did two degrees) with my ex-husband, paying through the nose for a mortgage on a house I hated. What would fulfil me now is my own place in an area I want to be in, a dog and cat and a partner to travel with. I lost over two years with no income which is like loosing about 5 years in a full time job, so my focus now is just to be comfortable and focus my life on other things. When I say too old, I don’t mean I actually am, I mean I just don’t want to start again at my age.

That’s not to say I don’t applaud you for doing so and set backs don’t mean it’s not meant to be, it means it will be all the sweeter when you finally get there. Keep plugging away and remember to plan for the worse, but always hope for the best.

 

[hereforthememe]

It’s a bit of a Pandora’s box and I’m not sure I can handle it. I also have some health issues and anxieties around the doctor as well which doesn’t help. I know I will call if for no other reason than desperation for sleep. What do they give for that?

Sorry to butt in as this wasn't aimed at me but I've been in a similiar position

I was on sertraline which I didn't agree with and now I'm on fluoxetine, which after the wave of side effects has really sorted me out. I now get bad sleep once or twice a week instead of every single night

 

[no-no]

Spoiler: Sorry trigger warning again SH/Depression/Suicde

so low at the moment. I’m not even actively depressed - I’m still enjoying life in a way, but I can’t keep the life I have. Since splitting with my partner I can’t afford to live where I do. My job is at a dead end but I have no confidence or skills to start looking elsewhere. I’m seeing all my friends move on with their lives and I have nowhere to go. I’m becoming a burden to them as all I do is get upset and I’m like a broken record. I’m a burden to my family financially and even with their help I’m struggling to pay my rent and bills. I don’t help myself either as I’m spending money on things to make myself feel better. I am in quite a lot of credit card and “pay later” debt. I’ve been effectively “closed” by my gp, and I wouldn’t want to go on meds either. Have been self harming which I hate doing and it frustrates me that this is where I am in life with nowhere to turn. I have put a date in my calendar and I just really hope things are better by then - but I don’t see how they can be? Sorry for the rant I’m just feeling so helpless at the moment.

I know sometimes you just want to get it out somewhere without unsolicited advice, but things will get better for you, hold on to that hope. Try not to fall into the trap of feeling like you need to fix everything at once or by a fixed date. Imagine if someone came to you with how you were feeling, would you give them a deadline? Would you see your friends as burdens if the roles were reversed? Looking for somewhere nice but cheaper to live could alleviate a lot of stress and you’ll find a better job when you’re up to it - be gentle on yourself

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

@Lilu22 She probably doesn’t know to react. Next time maybe tell her you would appreciate just words of support and not unsolicited advice. I guess it’s quite hard to understand what’s going on if you’ve never had MH issues yourself.

Completely unrelated, but does anyone get itchy skin, especially at night? My skin is fine and healthy, no eczema or other skin diseases, but I have difficulty falling asleep at night because it itches so bad. I’ve found that moisturising it really well before bed helps, but last night I had itchy toes, you don’t really moisturise your toes, do you? I’ve read itching is closely associated with depression and anxiety, surprising how depression can mess you up in some many ways really.

 

[Sheabutter]

At this point I don't even know why I'm alive

If she can do it, you can do it too

She being all of us xx

 

[Penguin86]

I'm really struggling tonight

 

[M90]

This thread is such a good idea. It's nice to know I can come here to talk/vent about how I'm feeling. My depression has worsened over the last few months, doesn't help that I have a chronic illness that I'm having to see a specialist about

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Can it be a circulation issue? Restless Legs Syndrome? Or maybe the detergent used on the sheets?

Definitely nothing to do with detergents as I’ve been using the same ones for ages, and I’m not sure about circulation but I’ve thought about RLS myself, thanks! Will read on it more x

The tops of my legs are a mess because they itch so much and I sit scratching them for hours. No allergies. No skin conditions. No changes to washing powder etc.
Usually feel more itchy when I’m super stressed out.

Yes, from what I’ve read online stress/anxiety and itching go hand in hand (unfortunately). Crazy because they seem to be completely unrelated!

 

[isabellalovescats]

@Raymond Luxury-Yacht and @isabellalovescats thank you both for your lovely messages, you're both so sweet!

Well, we are the same person.

 

[Maid22]

I really hope everyone’s doing as ok as can be.

I’m so sorry I just need to rant. I’ve asked if I can try a different antidepressant and have been referred to the community mental health team, which is fine, but it means a potentially long wait for an appointment, and I don’t know how to deal with that.

Spoiler: Self h*rm thoughts

Every single day I keep thinking about violently hurting myself. I can’t stop these thoughts. Thankfully I’ve not acted on any of them, but it’s wearing me down so much, on top of being so depressed it’s hard to do anything,

I’ve spoken to MH professionals about this, and no one will explain what these thoughts mean. It’s not like actual self-harm (thankfully), and I looked up “intrusive thoughts” but that’s connected to OCD, which I don’t have.

I’m just scared it will get too much. It’s like my brain obsesses over things like stabbing myself or breaking my own arm.

I really try to get better, I don’t want to be stuck this way, but it takes so much energy just to deal with these thoughts.

I'm so sorry to read this, you're one on here who has so much good advice for others. I can so understand those thoughts, I'm surprised I'm still here tbh, I really hope you get to see someone soon , sending love x

 

[rainbowlemon]

God, I watched these videos you posted earlier and cried a good deal, but it was the good kind of crying. I needed it. I will check out the forum too, I’m a bit shy to try new things but it looks lovely.

Thank you so much. Honestly, I don’t even know how to express how thankful I am. You are so kind and supportive and have already done more for me than 99% of those who surround me. Knowing there are still people who care about complete Internet strangers restores my faith in humanity.

No thanks needed. I might not always reply straight away but I always do in the end. I've had a lot of support too from other's when I've been incredibly low.

I've also bought that book for a friend and a cousin. I also love "all the places you will go". You need to keep hearing it again and again.

How are you feeling?

 

[mindlessness]

I’m in such a horrible place right now. And I went to stay with my friend for the weekend and forgot all of my medication (antidepressants and some others) at home. I know I’m going to feel worse now and I’m already really down. Do you think missing two days will ruin the effect? I don’t even know how to explain it to my friend, she is healthy and does not take any meds.

I think once you start up your doses again you will be fine. When you get home just take your next scheduled dose and go from there. From my experience missing doses the worst bit was the withdrawal side effects, but once I started taking the AD again it was fine.

Take care of yourself, and try to (as much as you can) enjoy your time with your friend.

If you want to tell her maybe say something like 'I left my medication at home and so I feel a bit crap because of withdrawal side effects/my anxiety about missing doses etc (whatever the reason is)'. A good friend will understand!

 

[philheybrookbay]

Thank you. Had a chat with my best mate who was there during the bad days- he told me to remember how far I've come. I just need to get through today as quickly as possible and it'll be fine tomorrow. Always is.

Should have booked leave but covering a late which isn't the best as normally I'd take my sleeping antidepressant and have a very early night. Not got that luxury today.

 

[Maid22]

I am physically ill and undergoing tests. My mental health just will not "settle", despite being on a new antidepressant for months. I don't know what to do. I've never experienced serious physical illness before so the two combined have knocked me off my feet.

My husband and I barely interact at the moment because he is depressed and anxious too. We are like ships in the night or we sit in silence. Neither of us has the brain to deal with it. I know we love each other and we still make time to hug and say I love you. I know it's all cyclical and better times will come. They have before. I need to keep telling myself.

I took for granted decent physical health. I've only ever known poor mental health so it became my normal.

The mind fog is great. I can't even concentrate on a benign TV show for some peace for my brain.

GP on Monday I think. Luckily I have a decent surgery now after spending years with a doc who left me hooked on diazepam. Still slowly weaning off that after almost 6 years

I've been on the EMDR waiting list since June 21st. They rang the other day but I'm currently too ill physically/unstable mentally to do trauma work again.

Sending my love to you all. I don't expect a response - I know everyone here is in a struggle. It just feels good to anonymously write things down.

I can't read without responding so sorry for what you're going through, it's bleddy tough isn't it? Am sorry what you're going through, no advice here, am not in the right brain frame at at the mo, just wishing you all the best x