The Depression Thread

[Sideboard Bob]

Sorry guys I don’t want to be rude and drop in on an ongoing conversation, Will go back and read this as I’m sure there will be insights in older posts -

Sounds dumb but have you ever “developed” depression from a foundation of anxiety and poor self esteem? Is that even possible? I’ve always been an anxious person & have taken medicines for it in the past (beta blockers and zopeclone I can’t spell sorry xx) but would never ever see myself as a depressed or sad person overall, like quite the opposite I’m a chronic ppl pleaser which means being fake and happy all the time?? But I’m really struggling at the moment but also think a lot of it is triggered by external things? Like on the one hand I have my internal belief system which ranks myself as pretty low down then there’s situational stuff going on at the mo that feeds into it and compounds it?

I ended up booking a GP appt through Babylon (so it’s not very good tbh - super brief and they don’t know any of your back history) and getting prescribed something she described as half anti anxiety half anti depressant, I’m sooo scared as it is an SSRI and they’re quite stigmatised aren’t they? My husband doesn’t want me to take them but I just want to stop feeling so sensitive and sad about things that are said or happen cos I’m finding it tough at the mo.

Sorry for the stupid post and to be so ignorant, it’s from a place of fear rather than anything else xx

Hey lovely. First of all, please don’t apologise, you have no reason to.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this, it sounds so demoralising. I’m not an expert and I’m sure others will be able to give a better answer, but I think depression can develop from any number of things, and it makes sense that anxiety and poor self esteem would bring it on. It’s an exhausting combination and it would be hard not to let that get on top of you.
I don’t want to “me-rail” but I’ve never seen myself as a sad or depressed person either, I don’t think suffering from depression is a reflection of someone’s personality. I kind of think of myself when I’m not depressed as “the real me” because my depressed mind is so different to what I’m really like. I’m usually so happy and easily amused but at the moment nothing makes me happy and that’s when I know somethings wrong.

If you feel comfortable with it I think you should give the medication a try. I totally understand the fear of it being stigmatised but you don’t have to tell everyone about it. But it’s so worth giving it a try. When I first took Prozac/fluoxetine years ago, I was so apprehensive but it probably saved my life.
Whatever you decide I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you, and you can always get things off your chest on this thread.

 

[Warpaint]

Thank you. I’ve been on hold to them 3 times for over 5 minutes each time and my anxiety can’t take the waiting while it’s just ringing so I’ve given up. Really disappointed at the service, I know they must be struggling with volunteer numbers but literally feels like there’s nowhere to turn.

There's a few out of hours ones here that aren't Samaritans - https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/out-of-hours-support/

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

I’m 20 and have been struggling with constantly feeling sad since I was around 13. I used to use sh as a release but have managed to stay sober for nearly 9 months now. However I still feel really bad sometimes and struggling to find other ways of coping. My parents found out about it when I was 17 and I went to 2 counselling sessions before stopping because my dad kept shouting at me after for not tell him what I’d talked about. Our relationship is a lot better now and I’ve had the best Christmas and birthday in years. However things he said, and other incidents that caused me to feel down still play on my mind and keep me up at night. Sometimes I’ll just be sitting having a nice evening with my family and I’ll find my mind wondering to things I did and how they reacted. I do wish I could talk to someone but am unsure about how to do so. I still live at home and am a student so rarely leave my house unless it’s for university.

Could you see a counsellor at university? They are very familiar with students struggling with their mental health. You could tell your parents it’s a tutor group so it remains private. It’s actually very controlling and abusive to be demanding that you tell him what you are talking about. Both my kids have had play therapy at school and counselling at CAMHS. Even though they were primary age, I still wasn’t told what they discussed. I understand that as a parent you worry you don’t know what the problems are, but you have to accept it’s private.

Sending love to you

Have you looked at the charity Young Minds? They are excellent apparently.

 

[Blue Rose]

Could you see a counsellor at university? They are very familiar with students struggling with their mental health. You could tell your parents it’s a tutor group so it remains private. It’s actually very controlling and abusive to be demanding that you tell him what you are talking about. Both my kids have had play therapy at school and counselling at CAMHS. Even though they were primary age, I still wasn’t told what they discussed. I understand that as a parent you worry you don’t know what the problems are, but you have to accept it’s private.

Sending love to you

Have you looked at the charity Young Minds? They are excellent apparently.

I’ve started back today so will definitely look into the university services. I will also look into the charity depending on what help I can get through uni. Thank you for your advice.

 

[Maid22]

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way @hereforthememe. Are your antidepressants compatible with alcohol? Either way, try to get a good night’s sleep if possible, I hope you feel better tomorrow! I’m here if you need somebody to talk to

Alcohol and ads are a massive no no, but it's easier said than done, alot of folks self medicate with alcohol, I've done it for years, tis a hard habit to break.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

You are lucky with your gp, I hadn't seen mine for years, but I was so bad (nearly crashed when I was driving, anxiety attack) spent days in bed, physically couldn't function, my oh was so worried about me (had tried suicide years before) made me realise I needed help, first Dr was crap, prescribed Amitriptyline and told me to go to Waterstones and get a book on anxiety and depression!!!

Omg! What does it take for them to take you seriously?! Ugh I’m so so sorry. Thank f*ck your oh has your back, but they can only do so much. It’s devastating (I know that sounds dramatic but it really is), when they just fob you off and point you to a book.
I had a mental health professional give me print outs from a website when I explained my dark thoughts, I really tried to engage with it but it was all flowcharts about thoughts and reactions, and I was beyond that point, I just couldn’t take it in.

I know I am so lucky to have a good gp though, she is the first point of contact and although she can only do do much I know she takes it seriously, I just wish everyone was that lucky.

 

[rainbowlemon]

You can always also ask to see another doctor. Lots of people can be on low doses of medication.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

What do you do to keep yourself calm if you have anxiety? CBT didn't work for me

I’m so sorry CBT didn’t work for you, I’ve not found it helpful either.
I used to get pretty bad anxiety and always found this technique helpful. You can change it around if there’s a way that works better for you.
Another thing that helped is I would pick a colour and count how many things I could see in that colour. Or I would just focus on the feeling of my feet on the ground. I really hope there‘s something that helps you, I know it’s different for everyone though.

 

[Penguin86]

I am so tired of me

Spoiler: TW: Suicide

Early 20s me wouldn't be scared to try and commit suicide like 35 year old me is. In fact I "died" twice but was brought back

 

[279cupcakes]

Sorry if it’s a really been discussed - but does anyone else get really angry as a depression symptom? Im fine if I take my meds but as soon as I forget, I’m awful. So angry with everyone and everything

yes! i can get snappy with my friends and i always apologise but i hate it. and if something doesn’t happen quickly (like i’m trying to open a box) I get so annoyed.

 

[tyrellsg]

Hey everyone im nervous to post but at the same time i need to get things out. This may trigger people as it discusses suicidal thoughts and i am not sure how to hide the text.

Im a long term sufferer of pmdd so a week or so before my period i am an absolute mess. I am in such a bad way right now im struggling to even put my words out. I feel like there is a monster inside me like a completely different person, my mind is racing with so many thoughts and it always ends up with the same conclusion that im worthless and i really dont want to be here. I think of scenarios in my head of how life would be without me here but deep down in my heart i know i would be too scared to do anything but the thoughts dont go away. I think of my child then i feel overwhelming guilt because im feeling this way and it's a cruel cycle. I cannot sleep properly at the moment and was up until after 3 and normally im crashing out before midnight, i either crave bucketloads of food or stop eating and just run off coffee as i feel at the time its the only thing i can control. I feel poisonous right now and as much as i know these feelings will pass because they do, my period will come and its almost as i can feel the nasty feelings leave me body and i feel like myself again, i have to then clean up the shitstorm ive caused which is mainly pushing my partner away which is a whole shit show in itself because he is so manipulative and uses this against me.

There is just so much pain frustration and anger and i just want my mind to stop for five minutes.

Im so sorry for the brain dump i just needed to get this out

 

[Silverplume]

@Silverplume am being a nosey bugger, but are you in USA, how do they deal with mh problems there?
In my experience here, it's crap, I've slipped through the cracks, just get a repeat prescription of ads, if I want CBT, my Dr gave me a an envelope with an address for me to contact, waiting list is months, as for counselling, have to pay, I haven't the money tbh and I wouldn't know where to start, so would cost alot! That's why I've ended up the way I am, apart from my other oh, I really have have no one.

I am in the US, and here we have a messy system of private health insurance (some through employers, like I have, and we pay hundreds of $$ in monthly premiums) and social/welfare benefits for low income folks. There also are many charitable organizations that offer various types of help.
It takes time to find the right kind/s of help, and also the right kind/amount of meds. It takes money you might rather spend on (insert Desired Thing here), but it’s money you have to spend on your mental health. I have “great” health insurance that has stopped covering a med I really need, and it costs $600/month. NOT happy about that!! Hopefully my doctors will prevail in convincing my insurance company to cover the med and that a similar version is not going to do the job. I don’t want to pay so much, it’s not sustainable, it’s not fair, and it’s causing me stress. But for now, it’s money I have to spend on my body, instead of new clothes or a vacation.
I’m happy to answer your questions, you aren’t any sort of booger. I hope you keep trying, keep asking, and that you find the right kind of help.

I’m sorry you both have lost beloved pets recently, on top of the rest of troubles. It’s super-difficult, I know.
We’re currently enjoying our sixth and seventh hounds. My husband swears no more after these two, but if he sticks to that position he’s been warned I will just kill him and get another dog before the funeral.

My partner and I have been talking about what will best suit our relationship going forward (especially with my MH), and I think we’re taking the approach of I will be more of a homebody and work part time. I think this’ll work best for us, especially me as an individual. I get really overwhelmed juggling full time work and maintaining a house.


Does anyone else find this helped them?

I’m currently preparing to leave full-time work to ease my stress. I, too, am overwhelmed by too many responsibilities and need to cut back.

I have high hopes that it will work for me and for you, too!

 

[Maid22]

Thank you love, I think everyone here gives good advice because we’re not judgmental or freaked out by what people go through. I’m so so sorry you know what it’s like. Sending love to you too, and thank you so much for your kind words, I really hope you’re doing ok x


There are yes, and in theory that would be what I’d do. I’ve been though this before and I called the emergency line for the MH hospital because I was terrifed I was going to hurt myself. But the guy on the phone said that they couldn’t see me since I was already on a waiting list.
I think here in the uk, mental health services are already so stretched that they can only deal with so much, and luckily for me it’s “just” thoughts and not actions.

BUT I don’t want my experience to put anyone else off of seeking help. I was just unlucky that day.

Thank you for your sweet words @Silverplume you’re so right, and I will try to remember that x

Bless you asking how others are, I'm ok, was worried about you, mh services here are crap, I know this is an anonymous forum, but please keep in touch x

 

[Nebbymoo]

Hello all, I have read through some of this thread today as iv found myself struggling over the past couple of days with my own depression and anxiety.
I have suffered with this for some years but manage it well generally.
With that said though as time goes by the most severe feelings that go with the depression are becoming to a point of unmanageable. When I'm having a difficult time as I like to call it the overwhelming feeling that my husband doesnt love me and is going to leave me completely consume my thoughts and emotions. Its like tunnel vision I absolutely cannot possibly believe a word he says. It's not a case if he will leave but when. And the thought of looking like a mug to everyone who must be laughing and sniggering behind my back at how I'm the only person who doesnt know hes leaving me is too much to cope with.
Of course when I'm well I would say hes must soul mate, my best friend. My entire world all rolled into one man.
Does anyone else have this problem? If so how do you deal with it? How do you refocus your mind and reason with yourself that your thoughts arnt real life?
Sorry if nothing iv written makes sense I'm just trying to get it down in text while I'm feeling this way hoping someone can tell me I'm not completely bonkers.
Thanks for reading

 

[Teatimechats]

Hi there. First time poster. I use Tattle for other things but I have been so anxious and down over the last number of months I actually didnt know where else to go. I have always been a bit highly strung and super sensitive but over the last 6 months it has gone ridiculous. I have a beautiful baby boy who is the light of my life and a loving fiance but there is something just not right. I feel like I have lost my confidence and I am on the verge of tears all of the time. I know I must be not nice to be around. I was on light meds for PND but I am off them now and was doing well. I feel lost. I wonder if it is my relationship I am not happy in and maybe I am too afraid to admit it? I compete at high level sport so I train a lot and work part time.. maybe its just the craziness of life making me feel like this! I should be happy like. I have so much that others would love..

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

Just coming to vent about depression. I just can't cope. I feel half dead inside most of the time. Everything is muted. Stuff I'm looking forward to just seems like a chore. I feel like a chore to be around. I just want to withdraw even though I know it's the worst thing I could do.

Had a counselling appointment today and he told me to try really hard to enjoy myself this week and allow myself to be silly? I don't enjoy things, I've tried, this isn't going away. I genuinely don't want to feel this way anymore but I don't know what to do. It all just feels so hopeless atm. I've had a bad day today so idk if thats just amplifying everything.

Sorry to hear. It’s a proper vicious cycle at times I know. Do you know what’s triggering your feelings? I feel very similar and couldn’t even push myself to exercise today. For me I know my hormone levels are low and I’m seriously lonely. Neither I can rectify at the moment, but sometimes just having a reason for it makes you feel slightly leas crap.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I don’t have enough time to write a long post, but I just wanted to stop by and say I really appreciate you all, we’ve got such a lovely and supportive community here I’m so sorry to hear some of you are not in a good place mentally, sending loads of love and virtual hugs! Tomorrow is another day, I promise it will get better, it always does. I’m more or less okay today after going through a really rough patch — if I can do it, so can you! I believe so much in you all

 

[emm]

Oh, how do you find those? I’m up north. All I’ve seen is a free intro session then block book or it’ll be £60-£100 for an hour depending on the therapist. My therapist said he’ll get me some recommendations before he leaves but I’ll have to see how much they charge.

Great to hear it’s working for you Sometimes you just need someone to help you put stuff in to perspective. That’s how I approached my sessions, and have made a lot of “holistic progress”. He was fed up of the bureaucracy of the NHS so is going fully private.

Sorry just catching up on this thread, I went to a therapist a while ago (in London but presumably now could be online) who offered a sliding scale of payment, if you are still looking I will try and find the details

 

[emm]

Sending positive thoughts to everyone struggling today. Just remember its one day! Think about something nice at the end of the tunnel if it helps.

For me that will be tonight once my pjs are on and im back in my own house

This year's been awful for me but thankfully im in a position (albeit medicated) to recognise how hard its been and give myself a pat on the back for being here today! Things change, dont give up the best is coming I promise

Don’t “apologise” for being medicated, if you needed medicine for anything other than mental health it would be totally normal

I was awake from yesterday morning til 2pm today. Got 4h sleep. Ate a ready meal. Now playing animal crossing. It's hard to imagine that I once enjoyed festivities.

just do what feel best for you. the pressure to comply with what is expected at this time of year is not helpful for anyone

 

[TapToBoreMeRigid]

Struggling with knowing where my "normal" emotional reactions to events end and mental illness begins.

I don't remember myself before mental illness. I've had OCD/anxiety since aged 7 and I've gathered a whole load of diagnoses since.

I don't know how people coped before they had the Internet to talk to like-minded people.