The Depression Thread

[Sheabutter]

Sorry to just pipe in but I'm so gutted, disappointed and angry I had to write it out somewhere. This guy who I was seeing who one month ago told me he wasn't ready for a relationship walks in to the pub I am in with a girl on his arm and just for good measure he completely ignores me. I dont know what to do with myself right now

Have a cry and then put yourself back out there. His treating you poorly by being dishonest and then ignoring you tells you a lot about him. You’ll find someone better who deserves you

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

I know it sound selfish/childish, but I cannot stand to be around happy people right now The food was good, though haha

Thank you for asking, I hope you are having a lovely evening

Neither selfish or childish. That would upset me too. I’m good, watching the match on my own with a cup of tea haha, so civilised! England are on fire though ha!

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Morning
just feel so desperately awful and I just dont know which way to turn.


For a few days I will be so happy and upbeat and content and then it'll just all go and I will be so so low and not want to be here anymore


I am losing all hope and I really do think that I am meant to be unhappy, I see guys I like and they never like me back, some guys like me but I don't like them back. The only possible answer is that I am simply not meant to be loved. Why do I get tortured by not having one good relationship or just any romantic prospects. I've had a hard enough life why can't the universe give me a bloody break


I'm so sorry but I'm at the end of my tether I just dont know what to do. What's the point of deluding myself and carrying on, I know im never meant to meet someone special and be loved in that way

Thanks for letting me rant x

Sending lots of hugs. I would just say to try really hard in these low days to remind yourself that you don’t know that you’re not meant to meet someone. I know all too well how good our brains are at convincing us that all these scary things are real and true, but really we don’t know anything because we can’t know. Even when we think we do. Also, the idea of being “meant” for something is a concept I really have to fight against myself - I tell myself things like that sometimes and remind myself that actually since I don’t believe in god or a higher power, there is no “meant” to. Anything can happen. That’s obviously just my personal may have different views

And know that the dark days will pass. Hour by hour sometimes. I hope you can treat yourself kindly. That’s something my therapist used to say to me when I was in a complete panic triggered by anxious attachment issues - and I’d be like oh for goodness’ sake. And not to say self care is about bubble baths - but I’ve found that candles and baths and nurturing things do help. Even if sometimes all they do is pass the time. She was right!

 

[under the ivy]

My depression just hit me out of no where last night. Just couldn’t focus watching TV and started getting panicky. I got an early night and feel a bit better for it. I was in the gym early this morning and that ‘helps’ my MH. Will feel a bit more relief once my work deadline is in as that’s causing me huge anxiety.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I'm really struggling today

I take antidepressants and they've been helping, but I went on a night out last night and I don't even think it's a hangover, more the fact alcohol is a depressant and it's just set me back

I'm in bed about to go to sleep already and hope this shit feeling passes I don't need to get up until 7 and the idea that I'm about to have 10 hours of nothing pass me by is both a relief and even more depressing. Like I'm wishing my life away

Meh.

I think your post has resonated with a lot of us. It’s such a horrible feeling, I wish none of us felt that. Its good to be able to say things like that to people who understand though, so please don’t blame yourself for feeling this way, it’s not really you, and you’re not alone x

 

[Hope96]

What are you taking lovely? I was the same when I was first put on fluoxetine, but it has since improved and I am much less numb and can cry. To be honest, I’d rather go back to being numb but that’s another story.

Mirtazapine 15mg - I've noticed I am struggling to express happiness too (not that there's much to be happy about) but I am feeling really frustrated @ not being able to cry because I can feel it coming.

I think I can relate @ 'rather go back to being numb' sometimes it's better to not feel sadly.

Here if you want to vent my dear.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Yeah it should be fine. Are the working otherwise?

They are, thank you so much for asking! You are very kind

@Raymond Luxury-Yacht aw thank you for messaging lovely I'm okay today. I'm feeling better than I did. Idk whether I'm gonna reach out to my gp. I'm on sertraline at the moment and it kinda takes the edge off but not much. It helps with my anxiety but not at all my depression. I dont feel like therapy helps. I've had therapy a few times over the years and I've never really found it takes the sadness away. I think I've accepted I'm always gonna be up and down now I do have a good support network, some of my friends are really caring. My boyfriend can be but he is the 'tough love' advice kind. His stance on depression is always 'you're the only one who can get out of it, it's all in your head!' 'Just be positive' like gosh that's so easy but when I am really upset he is good to talk to.

I think I've been in and out of PND as well. Sometimes I'm so hard on myself over the baby. I've really struggled having a baby right before a pandemic

Oh dear, I am sending you the biggest virtual hug ever! I feel you! My friends and family are somewhat like your boyfriend, good for some support but they just don’t understand what depression actually is.

I know it’s incredibly frustrating when you have little control over the way you feel, but I’ve started feeling better once I’ve just accepted that and stopped blaming myself for my emotions. Support groups and forums have opened my eyes to the fact that a lot of people feel the way I do but are also forced to bottle up.

And I don’t have kids myself, but I have endless admiration for women who do! I’ve seen your posts and you sound like the most amazing mother ever, baby Watermelon is so lucky! You are a rockstar for managing it through the pandemic, please know that and be kind to yourself.

I really hope you feel even better today, and you always have us here if you need someone to talk to

I used to try but over time I’ve learned that a lot of people don’t even reach out first or even text first. I always end up initiating things and as much as I love planning and being in control of my schedule, it gets tiring and sad. It’s as if no one wants to be friends.

I could have written that myself! I have a couple of close friends but that’s it. All of my uni/work mates are exactly like what you’ve described, and I hate being clingy so I usually just give up. Maybe they are shy/anxious too, who knows

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Anyone have any tips to calm anxiety at night? I’m having a horrible time tonight, heart is racing I feel sick and my stomach is in knots. Horrible at night because it’s not like you can go out for a walk or anything.

I know everyone says not to but sometimes I find reading something on my phone with the screen super dark helps. Often I read Tattle - not my usual threads so I don’t get too invested

Seems to be something about trying to squint a little bit and keep one eye open, while keeping the room dark and giving the brain a break from racing thoughts. Or as others have said, podcasts or sleep stories on Calm!

I know the feeling though. I lie awake at night sometimes with almost a burning sensation in my chest of how unhappy I am. It’s grim. Sending

 

[hereforthememe]

I start therapy in 6 weeks

 

[mindlessness]

Yes @Mysteryy I was definitely worried before I first went on an anti-depressant. But I have found my GP and later psychiatrist were really good about discussing side effects and managing any changes of dose or medication. Please see your GP to discuss your options and don't be afraid

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Does anyone have thoughts on how to tell what’s anxiety or depression? I think I might have both, although the one thing I never feel is numb or empty (sometimes wish I did). I’d say I spend a lot of time feeling painfully sad about the past and present or fearful for the future. I know I need to get help, I just worry that my GP will just give me the most basic standard SSRI prescription even if that’s not what I need. Not that I’m a doctor, and they know best, but you know what I mean.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I’m struggling at the moment and I’m putting a front on. I’m currently crying my eyes out in bed. I can hear people outside in their gardens having fun and it’s hurting me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. Ive had depression since I was 13 and it comes and goes. It’s been really bad this week. I feel lonely and sad. I have a lot of pressure on me through various things and I just want the world the stop.

I wish I could offer some advice, but all I can say is that I relate so much to your post, and it’s just…. I don’t even have the words. Its harder when you feel like everyone else is having fun, but like @watermelon sugar says, you’re not alone. I hate how depression tricks us into thinking that we’re so alone.

I just feel really lonely today despite being surrounded by friends and family. It looks like the majority of people I’ve known throughout my life just used me and never cared for me as a person. It’s especially sad considering I’m very empathetic and get emotionally attached and invested into other people’s lives quickly. I hate being like that.

@Raymond Luxury-Yacht you sound like such a lovely person, and I hate that because of other people it makes you hate being the way you are. People like you should always be appreciated.

 

[melfish]

I’m in a place atm where I’m managing within a routine. I don’t push the boundaries as I know it will set me back but I do try and get out on my own to see or visit something different regularly just to change the scenery and open my mind. Otherwise I’m a creature of habit. I’ve come a long way and I don’t want to go back there if I can help it.
I do wake every morning with the worst anxiety though. It makes me feel as though I’m suffocating and it takes me a while to get it under control. Any idea what this can be? It wakes me usually extremely early, which isn’t really the problem, just the horrible feeling.

It's cortisol. It's highest in the morning and hits you like kick in the guts when it's too high, which happens when you are under extreme stress. This is how I feel when I wake up too.

 

[jarv]

Thanks @LittleMy @Raymond Luxury-Yacht and @isabellalovescats

 

[watermelon sugar]

I feel like I need to go back on medicine to just get through day to day life but I'm terrified of the weight gain. It's really stressing me out because I already feel disgusting about myself. The joys of mental health and low self esteem eh.

I used to put off going on medication because I was worried about weight gain, especially when I had the baby. I'm on sertraline and have had no issue with weight. At least try it lovely

 

[Penguin86]

Depression is never curable

 

[Purrrrrrr]

2006 both my sister and best friend were diagnosed with terminal cancers. Sister brain tumour, and best friend breast cancer. I nursed my sister until she died and then after her funeral flew to America to nurse my best friend for 6 weeks. The next so many years were really a blur.
FF to now, last week both my best friend ( she was a befriender who helped me and we become real friends) and my brother told me they are having tests one for leukaemia and the other for stomach or prostate cancer both having serious symptoms.
I feel like history is repeating itself.

Strangely yesterday I was seeing the mental health team for assessment, what's strange is I didn't ask for the assessment I asked for a home disability assessment as my disabilities got worse over lockdown, and something got mixed up along the way. Talking to the MH Dr I realised that my MH had indeed gone downhill due mostly to a neighbour from hell and housing and local council doing what they have to due to guidelines, regulations blue tape etc rather than what was best for me as a vulnerable person. Anyway, the MH Dr is going to speak to housing and council and say what this neighbour is doing to me is unacceptable and has to stop. OK probably nothing will come of it but it was just so nice to feel someone was on my side over this. I don't know how it will turn out but yesterday was a good day and I still don't know how the mix up happened but it was just what I needed.

 

[Penguin86]

I am a zombie. I think I fell asleep for an hour. I must have smacked myself in the face at some point because my nose was bleeding a little and I lost my nose stud. Great fun trying to put it back in half asleep whilst the cat decided it was time for pets

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I don’t know where else to post this. Can’t email the samaritans for the fifty billionth time. I have to be honest and two faced and say I have always lurked this thread and not contributed because I find it hugely triggering and comforting in equal measure.

I wish I could get this beast off our backs.

Anyway, i’ll be vague as I don’t want to be triggering.

Spoiler: Triggertastic

Basically I only show/let any emotion out maybe once every few years. I don’t cry or feel sad, I just have a detached apathy to everything. This week has been just too much for me with things changing and I just could feel actual bad feelings rising rather than burying them so I sh’d for the first time in 6 months or so and it’s just brought it all to the surface. I will never get any better, circumstances can never change for me. So i’ve sat here sobbing like a child for the last half an hour, pointlessly.

Anyway, sorry for dropping in and being depressing Love to you all.

(Mods please delete if i’m not allowed to mentionself harm.

Please don’t apologise lovely. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could offer some useful advice, I hope someone here can (only if that’s what you want though).
All I can say is that you’re not alone. I can relate a bit because even though I’m going through a pretty bad depression at the moment I hardly ever cry. I used to use unhelpful methods to deal with mental distress, and even though it’s better not to, it’s harder to cope when you don’t have that “coping method”. Ugh I don’t know if I’m making sense now, sorry.
Please, please be kind to yourself today, easier said than done. You’re such a thoughtful, compassionate person, and you don’t deserve to be going through this xx

 

[Kiki13]

Jumping in again. Feeling really low. Just had a friend round but didn’t say anything as she was annoyed about something. Can’t talk to my other friend cause she’s happy and feeling festive, don’t want to bring her down. I have a few other friends but just don’t know what to say. I feel so alone I hate this. I’m sick of waiting for these low phases to pass, they just come back worse than ever

Just came to say, I'm sure your friend would much rather you spoke to her than didn't. She can support you and still be festive. Infact we want to look out for our loved ones especially at this time. You are worth it. I know it's hard to believe that of yourself though, I struggle with that too.