The Depression Thread

[kachoochoo]

Hi everyone, sorry I haven’t read anyone’s posts yet because I just don’t have anything in me right now but I will. I just wanted to write how I’m feeling.
Had depression for years, probs since I was 12 but only diagonosed at 24 (27 now). This week has been bad. No reason for it, no triggers, just one of them weeks. I’ve spoilered the next bit as it refers to self harm (hope I spoilered it right)

Spoiler: TW self harm

I was at work today just trying to get through the day, went to the toilet for some peace and was looking for anything in there I could hurt myself with, sharp edge, loose screw anything. Hitting stuff doesn’t do anything for me I need a cutting or burning pain. Anyway thankfully there wasn’t anything. Came home, cried in the shower for an hour. Got out the shower and cut, then cried more. I wish there was a way I could end it all without hurting anyone around me. Now I’m just led here mad at myself for hurting myself, and fuming that it’s summer and I’ll have to wear long sleeves for the foreseeable..

Sorry I just wanted to write how I’m feeling. I do have friends I can talk to but I never know what to say.

thanks for making this thread

hey, just want to say that I understand. I've done similar myself. remember that this feeling is temporary and, please, don't do anything irreversible

 

[Hepaticus]

Just found this thread after mainly reading the gossip on Tattle. 5 years ago I watched someone I was close to die. Had no leave left had to crack on in work. Got a new job then a promotion fairly quickly, new relationship - was so happy! Someone on my team I was managing had a personality disorder and was so awful to me I almost completely broke down but pushed through. Then the pandemic hit and I was working from home. Managing a team of 15 where 95% had mental health issues and managed to get through / support them enough to get them through it. I had a horrible boss who came at me when I was crying and stressed and ripped me to shreds. I was in tatters and close to going sick. Following day I find out I've been offered another job so gives me incentive for next few months. Start counselling and diagnosed with compassion fatigue. Two weeks off before new job. Start and people are amazing. But then the work load gets crazy. Not afraid of hard work and super organised but was tough for me to deal with. Added to this in background been trying at 39 for first baby for 18 months no joy and sister in law gets pregnant. Was honest with new boss about what I had been through from start and very understanding. Ended up having line management responsibilities even though I took the role to get away from this. Built and built last few months. Had stress risk assessment, moving to compressed hours and got OCC health soon. Kept saying get to Xmas for break. Then we had a rat infestation. But this weekend I broke. Couldn't face going back. And I finally admitted to myself I was not coping and made a GP appointment today. I feel shame and relief in equal measures. But at least it's moving it into my control.

There is no shame in seeking care for your health! You wouldn’t feel shame about addressing asthma or diabetes and you certainly shouldn’t feel shame about this.

You sound like a remarkably resilient person, but for now your body is saying enough is enough and I’m so pleased you’ve listened and responded!

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I'm sorry for you loss. Do you have a good support system in place? There's also a lot of charities that also help support with bereavement. My cousin used the grief network but they might be London only.

It might sound cliched but despite all the smiling photos not everyone feels that way all the time.

Thank you Yes, I’m getting enough support, doesn’t make it much easier though

@Raymond Luxury-Yacht i can’t imagine how tough things are you right now. Grief isn’t easy. Especially as you are already suffering with depression. Please don’t focus on how you see other people’s lives being happy. Most of the time it’s a facade and not the real story. Sending you big hugs for healing

Thank you so much! I spent a lot of time pretending I was okay before finally admitting I wasn’t. After all, why should I be? I might not have been his closest relative but I loved him still. I see him in my dreams all of the time, I sometimes see people who look like him or have a similar sounding voice on the street, and it’s so painful to realise it’s someone else. I just hate how grief added up to my depression and self-hatred

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so cruel that you were on the mend before then. I want to say that you will get to that place again (because you will), but I know how hard it is to think that way when you’re dealing with a bereavement When I was struggling with a loss, a friend reminded me that grief can be exhausting, it really does take it out of you, so please take care of yourself x

Thank you so much, you are very kind I’m absolutely desperate to get there again, but now I’m numb at best or sick and nauseous from negative feelings. I’ve decided I’ll just give myself some time


How is everybody else doing?

 

[butterfliesandhurricanes]

Anyone have any tips to calm anxiety at night? I’m having a horrible time tonight, heart is racing I feel sick and my stomach is in knots. Horrible at night because it’s not like you can go out for a walk or anything.

 

[isabellalovescats]

I’ve been off my meds for about a week or so and my mood swings are massive! I am very full of myself one minute and super sad and depressed another. Hoping to go back on them this weekend. I am bad with medication but I know this one helps so I need to get my shit together. Happy weekend everyone!

 

[Blue Rose]

I’m 20 and have been struggling with constantly feeling sad since I was around 13. I used to use sh as a release but have managed to stay sober for nearly 9 months now. However I still feel really bad sometimes and struggling to find other ways of coping. My parents found out about it when I was 17 and I went to 2 counselling sessions before stopping because my dad kept shouting at me after for not tell him what I’d talked about. Our relationship is a lot better now and I’ve had the best Christmas and birthday in years. However things he said, and other incidents that caused me to feel down still play on my mind and keep me up at night. Sometimes I’ll just be sitting having a nice evening with my family and I’ll find my mind wondering to things I did and how they reacted. I do wish I could talk to someone but am unsure about how to do so. I still live at home and am a student so rarely leave my house unless it’s for university.

 

[hubbub1]

I was feeling ok for a good few months despite all the bad stuff that was happening around me, last few weeks home life has been awful and I've hit the bottle again, don't even want to drink but I know after a few glasses I'll feel relaxed and calm if only for a few hours.

 

[Jadejones9596]

Sending lots of hugs. I would just say to try really hard in these low days to remind yourself that you don’t know that you’re not meant to meet someone. I know all too well how good our brains are at convincing us that all these scary things are real and true, but really we don’t know anything because we can’t know. Even when we think we do. Also, the idea of being “meant” for something is a concept I really have to fight against myself - I tell myself things like that sometimes and remind myself that actually since I don’t believe in god or a higher power, there is no “meant” to. Anything can happen. That’s obviously just my personal may have different views

And know that the dark days will pass. Hour by hour sometimes. I hope you can treat yourself kindly. That’s something my therapist used to say to me when I was in a complete panic triggered by anxious attachment issues - and I’d be like oh for goodness’ sake. And not to say self care is about bubble baths - but I’ve found that candles and baths and nurturing things do help. Even if sometimes all they do is pass the time. She was right!

Thank you so much lovely, you're so right I can't possibly know it won't happen, i just haven't had the best track record! I don't believe in a higher power either so i really appreciate that perspective! You are so kind, thank you for the advice and taking the time to respond to me. Sending hugs back, thank you x

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

@altgirl I am sorry you had that experience of therapy. It actually makes me quite angry on your behalf and sums up why I find CBT as a stand-alone totally unsuitable for many issues. Of course, the future is important but just dismissing and not exploring what’s happened to get you to therapy in the first place is so damaging, imho.

I absolutely, 1000% believe it would be incredibly beneficial to talk through what happened.

Fully agree with what @no-no, @mindlessness and @Raymond Luxury-Yacht said about CBT vs more psycho-analysis focused therapy.

 

[Gullri]

Really glad I've found this thread as I was considering starting something similar. I'm struggling, more than usual and it's probably my own fault. I'm on sertraline but last month I felt so so low and stopped taking my tablets (fuck knows why), the longer it went on for the harder it felt to go back to taking them. Christmas I just felt so unhappy, I had to force the joy/smiles for my children then cried in my room later. I used to love Christmas but these days I really struggle to find joy in things and then I feel like a terrible person/mum. Every day I tell myself my kids deserve better. My daughter also struggles with her mental health, she's attempted suicide twice and she's been particularly bad as she split from her abusive ex. She says she can't live without him and I'm so worried for her, I constantly feel like I'll fail her, I need to get better to help her. The situation is the exact same as my sister and I'm terrified I'll wake up one day and she too will have ended the pain permanently. I really am rambling now, just feel I have no one in real life to talk to and dumping my thoughts on an anonymous forum helps a little.
Sending love to all

Sorry you feel like crap I stopped medicine by myself once but it got worse real fast. Have you started taking them again? I mean you do have meds for a reason, it helps making life a bit easier

 

[Sharkfan]

I’m struggling again today Just found out I have COVID and I’m unwell both mentally and physically. I’m sort of going through a rough patch at the moment, having gone off my ADs and not in therapy yet. I feel very lonely and like nobody needs me, which is not quite true as quite a few friends are reaching out to me but it doesn’t help much.I’m currently in bed in so much pain and just thought if I died right now, only 4-5 people would attend my funeral. It’s so silly but made me feel so down.
I also have huge self-worth issues due to growing up with narcs, it’s a vicious circle really, and I wonder whether I will ever be able to break out of it or spend the rest of my life like this.

I feel the same way, the older I get the more I realise how I don’t really have anyone and the only people who’d turn up for my funeral would do it out of obligation. I always find myself falling deeper into bad thoughts and feelings when I’m less busy so I started filling my time with aimless rubbish like scrolling on TikTok. Once my workload from uni increased I noticed I was finding it hard to put my phone down and concentrate and had to limit my screen time to get things done. Now I’m trying to find a balance between getting work done, spending small amounts of time on social media and doing other things, like playing minecraft or reading to spend my time more meaningfully. I’m quite shy so struggle making friends, however have realised I prefer my own company so don’t mind too much. I hope your not suffering too much from covid and maybe this time can help you to find ways to fill your time when your alone.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

yes I spoke to them today. They are seeing me on Tuesday as I have a few other physical symptoms.
ive been quite a heavy drinker since I was 18 and think it’s finally caught up with me tbh

You‘ve done the right thing, I guess it might not have been easy. Please look after yourself between now and Tuesday.

I’m so sorry you’re going through that, but it’s a huge sign of strength that you know that. I don’t mean that in a patronising way, when I first told a doctor I was struggling mentally I was terrified, I know it’s not easy. Absolutely no judgement from me for what it’s worth.

Does it help knowing you’ve taken a step forward for yourself? (you don’t have to answer any of this) x

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Does anybody else struggle with crying for no reason? I know there must be a reason deep inside but most of the time I can’t tell. I just feel tears coming to my eyes and don’t feel any better until I’ve cried. Anything can trigger it, yesterday I started crying watching the Olympics…I don’t know how to deal with it, especially in public.

Crying is such a thing for me, so I feel you on this one. I don’t know what the answer is, really. I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of tears - it’s one of my main physical “symptoms”. I usually know what it’s about but I can’t shake it and it’s so disruptive and distracting. It doesn’t go away until I can have a proper cry which just isn’t feasible in day to day life. And as soon as I feel teary, I then feel worse, then I feel more teary. It’s hard! I wish it was acceptable just to have streaming eyes while walking down the street

 

[Penguin86]

Ah ok. Please try and keep topped up. The consistency is so important for managing your symptoms.


Insomnia is one of the biggest withdrawal symptoms. What are you struggling to explain? Do they make you discuss every time you need more pills? I’ve managed to convince mine to give me two months worth and I can get my repeat after week 6, to ensure I always have a supply. But it took some convincing at first because they said I was a suicide risk. Until I sarcastically informed him that pills were not my method of choice! I work in healthcare and am very fastidious about taking my meds because I know how important consistency is, especially with depression and PTSD. It needs managing every day. Other things I do are a hot bath before bed and I use a rain sounds video with a black screen on my laptop to help me get to sleep. YouTube has loads of different videos for sleeping that aren’t interrupted with ads. You could also try going for a walk, the fresh air will tire you out.

I have brain issues and get alot of brain fog so sometimes I just forget whether I've taken them. I get a couple or months worth at a time but the box they're in stays downstairs because I have previously tried to overdose so don't need the temptation in my bedroom.

Just put a fresh box into my handbag to take upstairs to refill

@Professor Farnsworth all refilled

 

[or JusRollWithIt]

hope you’re okay, I agree the nights are the worst. I’ve been struggling to sleep lately and my anxiety and depression is playing up because of it

It’s a vicious self feeding cycle. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with nights too. Last Thursday I had what I can only call a panic attack in the middle of the night after what started as a legit cry about something hard going on in life. I haven’t slept a proper night since. And it just keeps going, nights become days become nights… I am so tired and it becomes harder and harder to get clarity.

 

[Silverplume]

I pray and do deep breathing when I’m being anxious instead of sleeping. Re-tell a story to myself and try to remember details: for instance, the book “Little Women,” detailing each character to myself, as my husband and dogs snore.
I hope you sleep well tonight.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I also used to be an active member of another mental health forum which I did find helpful. They were mainly american but they were always lovely and supportive. We had a couch where we posted daily check ins. I'm usually always around here too.

mental health forums, mental health support, psych central, mental illness forums, mental forums, psychology forums, depression support, anxiety support, support groups

The original Psych Central Forums of over 250 self-help support groups and forums for emotional support, mental health, psychotherapy, and mental illness.

mysupportforums.org

I know it's hard but keep going. No giving up allowed!

God, I watched these videos you posted earlier and cried a good deal, but it was the good kind of crying. I needed it. I will check out the forum too, I’m a bit shy to try new things but it looks lovely.

Thank you so much. Honestly, I don’t even know how to express how thankful I am. You are so kind and supportive and have already done more for me than 99% of those who surround me. Knowing there are still people who care about complete Internet strangers restores my faith in humanity.

How are you? How is everybody else doing?

 

[mindlessness]

Anyone have any tips to calm anxiety at night? I’m having a horrible time tonight, heart is racing I feel sick and my stomach is in knots. Horrible at night because it’s not like you can go out for a walk or anything.

I do things similar to @or JusRollWithIt to manage mine. Also journalling sometimes helps. It acts a bit like a cathartic release for me - I often end up a bit teary but at least can fall asleep affter. Sometimes I put on youtube or a podcast. Something long and factual - nothing scary!

 

[rainbowlemon]

I haven't achieved much today at all. I spent most of it crying because of having to deal with accommodation issues.

I hope it's okay to post a few links to some groups offering low cost therapy. I think it would also be okay to email a few at the same time as they all have different waiting lists, some from a month others 2-3.

The Site for Contemporary Psychoanalysis

The Site for Contemporary Psychoanalysis: affordable low cost psychotherapy in central London, Cambridgeshire, East Sussex, Hertfordshire & Oxfordshire. Therapy at rates accessible for a range of incomes including students, those on low income and people who are unemployed.

www.siteclinic.org

Low Cost Counselling - re-vision.org.uk

Re-Vision offers high quality training with a spiritual perspective to counsellors and psychotherapists in Queens Park, London. As a charity established for more than 30 years one of our aims is to provide access to high quality, affordable counselling to people in the local area. Our low-cost...

www.re-vision.org.uk

Therapy | The Minster Centre

Therapy can help What is Therapy? We all face difficulties in our lives at some time. These difficulties can be in response to life events such as bereavement, problems at work or the loss of a job or can relate to past experiences. Difficult feelings can accumulate and impact negatively on our...

www.minstercentre.ac.uk

WPF Therapy

wpf.org.uk

Low Cost Counselling Maidstone

lowcostcounsellingmaidstone.co.uk

There's more on the list below too:

Other affordable options for people on low incomes

Ongoing talking therapy – counselling and psychotherapy – will usually feel like a luxury and out of reach for people on low incomes. The Free Psychotherapy Network is a response to the…

freepsychotherapynetwork.com

 

[Pixipoppy]

Oh I don’t have much time to properly reply to everyone but I’m here @Pixipoppy. Do you need someone to talk to?

Thank you. I’ve been on hold to them 3 times for over 5 minutes each time and my anxiety can’t take the waiting while it’s just ringing so I’ve given up. Really disappointed at the service, I know they must be struggling with volunteer numbers but literally feels like there’s nowhere to turn.