The Depression Thread

[mindlessness]

Sending lots of love and a tattle hug to you @Raymond Luxury-Yacht

 

[rainbowlemon]

Do any of you with MH issues find that you hoard stuff?

I used to be bad with impulse purchases. At one point I had 26 different shades of red lipsticks. Now i'm the exact opposite. Haven't bought any new make up in three years. I've gone a full year without buying any new clothes. The two years before that I bought two items of clothing. I realised for me I was always waiting for the next lipstick release to make me happy but it would fade. The stuff didn't make me happy.

 

[LaBlonde]

i hope it’s okay to vent here - i’ve been hugely struggling with my ocd/anxiety over the past month. it started getting pretty bad over lockdown but more recently i’ve become obsessed with what my old age is going to be like and convinced myself that any number of illnesses/elderly abuse etc is going to happen to me. it’s looking increasingly likely that i will be an alone old person (don’t want kids, cannot keep a partner) and my mind will not let me move past that thought.

i’ve always had a massive fear of being “old” which is ridiculous because i’m 36 but i’m finding myself walking around my house (which is full of things i love) wondering what’s going to happen to all of these things when i die, or doing the exact same in my parents’ house.

i’m normally fairly good at dealing with the intrusive/obsessive thoughts side of my ocd but we had two big deaths in my family this year combined with a break-up for me and i’m getting so angry at myself. urgh.

i hope all of you in this thread are doing okay

 

[Cocoflowers]

I'm not sure why im typing this or have the right to. But maybe im hiding it so well from my family and close friends but i haven't dealt with my break up my mum's divorce and my brothers depression ive had to deal with all that all in one in the last year. And all I've ever wanted was my ex to be there i cried out to his best friend his family for him to talk to me i haven't heard from him since I've put the phone done. Ive reached every month I've hid that very well from everyone

I sent this to him last night and he read it at 3am
[

he clearly doesn't care and should really learn my lesson

The thing is im sitting here crying my eyes thinking im not doing so well and i should go to the doctors to speak to someone because ive dealt with my mum and brother feels like i dont want to tell them but i struggle every day to they know i cry and bottle it up but what they don't know what i deal with my head maybe it was the wrong thread to reply in but ive just to remember im not alone

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

My antidepressants aren’t working, I’ve been on them a few months, gradually increased the dose and I just feel like a zombie.
It’s so annoying because I’ve used this same medication a couple of years ago and it really helped then. I know I’ll be ok eventually but right now I just feel like I’m back to square one and I’ve lost hope.

I’m going through the same thing right now, I know it sucks but I hope you find something that works for you

I eventually spoke to my Dr after stupidly stopping my tablets and he was really nice and understanding, currently on a lower dose to start but the hot flushes are awful (even in this freezing weather).
The past week has been awful, my daughter told my dad she was suicidal and couldn't handle life anymore. I've barely been able to sleep with worry. She won't let me refer her to CAMHS, she said they didn't help last time but thankfully she seems to be improving a little. This is why I need to keep going, I need to be there for my children not religious but I'm praying for a better year for us and everyone on this thread

That sounds so tough I too hope this year is better for all of us!

 

[Blue pumpkin]

I’m done with living. I’m so fucking sick of waking up every single day. I literally have nothing worth living for. Apparently my mental health issues are a joke, and it’s my own fault I can’t keep friends. No one knows what I’ve been through and what’s happened in my life.
No one cares, not even my doctor. So I just think it would be better if I gave up trying to care for myself anymore.

Hi, you don't have to see GP
You can walk into any A&E dept and tell them you're not well and you get to see the CMHT (crisis mental health team) straight away.
Let us know you're okay??

 

[under the ivy]

Hugs to those who need it

I’m not having a good day today. Kept myself busy all week and I haven’t slept well. I feel snappy and low. I’m brought myself back to bed as it’s the only place I feel I can cope today

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Hi everyone. First of all I just echo what everyone has said - thank goodness for this forum! Tattle generally and this thread have really got through some tough times. I hope everyone is OK-ish today?

I’m in a dark place, it was my birthday yesterday and I’m in my late 30s and freshly broken up, never thought I’d be single at this age and I miss my ex so much I feel like I’m dying. Even though my friends were lovely and tried to make it special, I just want to cry all the time because I’m so lonely and the pain of missing him is unbearable.

I’m hoping beyond hope that the sertraline I’ve started kicks in soon, as I’ve said on that thread. I just feel like an absolute failure and I’m being so horrible to myself but it’s hard to stop. It’s like part of me is constantly saying “you’re alone, you don’t have a family, you’ve failed, it’ll never happen, you have to go home alone, you’ve lost”. Luckily I’m back at the GP on Wednesday so I’m just hanging in there for that.

I also agree with what others have said about how frustrating it is to have to struggle so much, spend so much, and try so hard just to be at the same baseline of ‘normal’ mental health. I’m sure anyone with any kind of illness feels the same but god it’s hard.

I just want to say I’m so sorry about your breakup. Being broken hearted is so painful, physically and mentally, I really feel for you. You should be proud of yourself that you got through your birthday, I don‘t mean that in a condescending way, it can’t have been easy. Here’s hoping the sertraline helps you soon.

 

[rainbowlemon]

He did what? What kind of therapist is that! Mine used to give me some proper tough love when I was really down and feeling negative.

Deal with each day as it comes I say. We spend all our time sad about the past and worried about the future, but really all we have is now. I deal with those dreaded days by telling myself it’s just one day and today I will mope and take it easy, but tomorrow I will get my arse up and out and do something that lifts my mood. I’m pretty good at finding pleasure in the simple things because it’s how I coped during my breakdown. Write a list of things that give you pleasure, anything from setting a playlist and going for a walk or a long drive, to the getting your nails done or walking around the park and seeing what birds or flowers you can spot. It’s not a cure, but it sure makes you grateful to be alive for an hour!

Thank you both for the quick replies. The vague situation was about a final year retake exam i have in early september.

I just feel so exhausted and worn out by everything. I live alone and haven't been home in 11 months either . I've started getting anxiety attacks first thing in the morning too.

I've seen this therapist for 4 years. Had a 6 week break over christmas then stopped seeing him for 4.5 months until I was in crisis last week so had 4 sessions over two weeks.

I live in rented accomodation so wouldn't be allowed a pet, though I have wanted a cat of my own. I'd call him Frodo.

 

[Penguin86]

I spent a few days off meds due to running out and it really reminded me how much I need them. Had a horrendous time emotionally. Didn't have anyone to talk to about it either.

 

[Chrisxo]

Going through a really tough breakup which made me homeless and there was domestic abuse according to social services. Just struggling a lot missing him.. it’s a long story

 

[altgirl]

@Olivia28 im so sorry to read this but I completely understand how you feel.
I’m in my early 30s, was married but now divorced and have found all of my friends who I relied on before for support and a social life no longer really have much to do with me because they spend more time with other ‘mum friends’. I don’t necessarily want to marry again due to fear of what happened to me before but I get very down about everything I’m now going to miss out on life with being alone. I currently live with my mum but should be getting my own place soon and I can’t wait to just shut the world away and disappear.

I have found going to the gym can help... I try and go to classes to meet others but I’m very shy so find this difficult or you could put a hat on and go for a walk? There’s also a friend option on the app bumble which I’ve tried before too although again I find it difficult because I’m so shy but could be worth a try.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t really help you I just thought I’d mention things that sometimes help me or that I’ve tried.

 

[butterfliesandhurricanes]

this feels like the loneliest time, at stupid-o-clock at night. Sending love and hope to anyone reading this who’s struggling and/or can’t sleep x

I feel this. My sleep cycle is awful I don’t fall asleep till 8 or 9 am I’m awake all night just in silence it’s so horrible. At least in the day there are some distractions

 

[nothanksbabes]

I used to not be able to look in the mirror, or sometimes get out of bed for days at a time because I hated the way I looked. I thought I was grotesque.

It has passed, even though I've gained weight which I thought would have the opposite effect. I still feel the need to be "done up" if anyone's gonna see me but nowhere near as bad as I was. I've got no advice, except give yourself time and try and be kind to yourself.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I usually find holidays distracting but not this year, and I understand why some find them a hard time to get through. Be kind to yourself, Christmas will be over before you know it!

Sending love to everyone

 

[whoareyouu]

Sending you all love and my thoughts this weekend. X

 

[onlyheretoorbit]

Hi everyone, not been on this thread before but looking for somewhere to offload.

For a bit of background: diagnosed with Bipolar II, been fairly stable on lithium for other a year. Currently pregnant - came off lithium initially to negate risks to developing baby but recently decided it was safe enough to go back on it. Current levels are still too low to be effective so upping my dose.

Had an intense week last week for a variety of reasons and as a result, barely slept. Lack of sleep is a massive trigger for me. Yesterday I felt so lonely and sad all day, husband works night shifts and when he left for work I had a bit of a meltdown, lots of crying and just generally feeling lost and miserable.

Today I thought I'd got a grip on myself. Came to lunchtime, tried to prepare lunch until I realised half my ingredients were out of date. Sounds absolutely ridiculous I know, but I just became overwhelmed with anger and sadness.

Spoiler: TW: self harm

Threw everything away but just suddenly had the urge to SH. Managed to put everything away and leave the kitchen. Just sat and sobbed for a good 20 minutes.

Brought my laptop down to the sofa to work from here for the rest of the day so I can watch TV and stay distracted. Dreading husband going to work later, I just don't want to be home alone. Tried texting a few friends who know about my mental health but they all have so much going on. Family all live at least an hour away. Just feel so sad and lonely. I want to switch my brain off for a bit.

 

[mindlessness]

Sending lots of love to anyone having a hard time of things today. Mind has a helpful page with tips for coping around this time: https://www.mind.org.uk/information...tmas-and-mental-health/christmas-coping-tips/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information.../christmas-and-mental-health/useful-contacts/
Some other support services/resources (as well as Samaritans/Shout) if anyone needs them

 

[lemonlime]

Does anyone suffer from "after work brain"? It's not that my work is excessively demanding nowadays. I'm not working long hours, I'm out of the office at 5pm. I usually have free time at work. It shouldn't have this effect on me. But all my mental and physical energy is spent on functioning in the office that by the time I leave, I am totally fried. I feel so weak and incompetent, not because I am doing a bad job at work but because I have no energy to do the things I enjoy after work. I come home and by the time I shower, eat, put away my stuff and do a couple of chores, it's almost 7. And then I spend the rest of my evening staring at a screen because I can't focus on my book, words won't come to me so I can't write, I can't do embroidery, can't exercise, I can't even hold a conversation with anyone over the phone or in person. And it's pushing me towards comfort eating, since I can't do anything that actually entertains me, the only mood boost I tend to get is from a mouthful of junk, which I don't even really enjoy. I don't want to be this way, it's almost too cliché but I can't find my way around it. I can force myself to not give into this once or twice but on the third day, even that effort is draining my batteries.

Anyone has found a solution to this? How do you find your way around a day job/family responsibilities/house work with bad mental health and still make sure your own time actually means something to you? Not in terms of productivity, but in terms of doing something that makes you happy?

 

[caterday28]

I've quit my antidepressants/antipsychotics, cold turkey. This is probably not a good thing as ever time I do this I end up sectioned on a psych ward. I am going to try and go back on them but taking medication is something I always find hard. I feel numb. I want to cry but I can't. My emotions are blunted. I'm just exhausted.