The Depression Thread

[Silver Linings]

I don’t know where else to post this. Can’t email the samaritans for the fifty billionth time. I have to be honest and two faced and say I have always lurked this thread and not contributed because I find it hugely triggering and comforting in equal measure.

I wish I could get this beast off our backs.

Anyway, i’ll be vague as I don’t want to be triggering.

Spoiler: Triggertastic

Basically I only show/let any emotion out maybe once every few years. I don’t cry or feel sad, I just have a detached apathy to everything. This week has been just too much for me with things changing and I just could feel actual bad feelings rising rather than burying them so I sh’d for the first time in 6 months or so and it’s just brought it all to the surface. I will never get any better, circumstances can never change for me. So i’ve sat here sobbing like a child for the last half an hour, pointlessly.

Anyway, sorry for dropping in and being depressing Love to you all.

(Mods please delete if i’m not allowed to mention self harm.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Hello lovely people, how are you doing?

I’m really struggling at the moment. Therapy has helped me loads, I thought I was on the mend and it was decided I’d taper my dose and eventually discontinue Prozac. It’s been 6 days and I’m not doing as swell as I thought I would be. Just feel like crying all of the time and can’t make myself do stuff so I’m procrastinating. I’m also very lonely despite being surrounded by people and am worried about possible weight loss so eating very little too.

 

[GiftedNotFree]

Sending love to all of you who are struggling I too am in quite a bad place - have been for the last month and a bit. It feels like a slump I’m never going to be able to pull myself out of. My thoughts are all over the place and my mood is mega low - I’m struggling to even mask it, which usually comes kind of naturally to me.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I hope everyones doing as ok as can be. I keep meaning to say, anyone can just jump-in here and talk about what they need to (sometimes people are apologetic when they post here for the first time, and there’s no need to be apologetic).

I‘ve found the last few days pretty hard. Been worrying about everything going on in the world, and I’m really struggling at work. I feel like I’m just giving up on trying. This is how I know depression is an illness and not just feeling a bit down. I never used to be like this, I‘m naturally a really happy person, and when I felt low I could pull myself up again. But now none of those things work and I hardly care about myself enough to try. I don’t know where I’m going with this, sorry. I know I’ll be ok, I’m just tired of waiting to get the right help.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I really hope everyone’s doing as ok as can be.

I’m so sorry I just need to rant. I’ve asked if I can try a different antidepressant and have been referred to the community mental health team, which is fine, but it means a potentially long wait for an appointment, and I don’t know how to deal with that.

Spoiler: Self h*rm thoughts

Every single day I keep thinking about violently hurting myself. I can’t stop these thoughts. Thankfully I’ve not acted on any of them, but it’s wearing me down so much, on top of being so depressed it’s hard to do anything,

I’ve spoken to MH professionals about this, and no one will explain what these thoughts mean. It’s not like actual self-harm (thankfully), and I looked up “intrusive thoughts” but that’s connected to OCD, which I don’t have.

I’m just scared it will get too much. It’s like my brain obsesses over things like stabbing myself or breaking my own arm.

I really try to get better, I don’t want to be stuck this way, but it takes so much energy just to deal with these thoughts.

 

[no-no]

My therapist is leaving the NHS very soon therefore my treatment ends. I’m trying not to think about it because that hour a week/fortnight does help. I’ve had more than 10 sessions (magic number), but only because I argued the toss. Will feel a loss when he goes. I have to wait up to a year before re-referring because of “therapist dependency” or some crap. Waiting lists will be ridiculous, too. I’m a very productivity-driven person so wouldn’t be complacent with a therapist, but you can’t control the progress you make when you have external factors impeding you implementing steps.

It stinks, but not surprising, private is very expensive and a lot want you to block book (£500 I’m not Tony Soprano). With all the price increases etc. looks like I’ll just have to go it alone for the foreseeable. I’d never want SSRIs, that’s just a personal choice. I don’t mind Diazepam, because a strip will last me months but doctors treat requests for benzos like you’re asking for a line of coke off the examination table

 

[TapToBoreMeRigid]

Yeah I definitely need something. CBT didn't help me at all. I have Agoraphobia and depression so yeah fun times

please know that agoraphobia IS beatable/manageable. I was housebound for almost 6 years, aged 19-25. The right medicine and therapy helped me.

Depression and anxiety are an horrific combination. I struggle badly with intrusions and OCD. Additionally I have dermatillomania AND BPD & cPTSD.

The days feel short and long at the same time. Like they're never ending but I'm wasting them.

 

[MissSunshine]

I suffer with the classic depression/anxiety combo - I had councelling in the past and I absolutely loved it (is that weird?!) - I wish I could afford to have it weekly! It really helped. My daughter has lots of health problems and I really struggle with the fact that she will never lead a normal life - things have been bad since her diagnosis but I didn’t realise until the end of last year. I started on anti depressants and they really help

 

[nothanksbabes]

I know this time of year is hard for lots of people but it's just a massive reminder of the fact it doesn't matter what I do, my life never improves and I'll always be on my own.

I'm really lucky to have lots of good friends but mostly they understandably all do nice things with their families. They're amazing and we're really close but I'll always be someone's third or fifth or last priority. I basically haven't got out of bed since I got home on Friday night.

I've got PTSD from a weird childhood and an abusive relationship I left four years ago and I just... there has to be something wrong with me that I can be popular and well liked with friends and at work but every relationship I ever have is with someone who strings me along for months and then leaves me for someone else. Though probably should be grateful they're not like my ex.

I'm past my mid 30s now and I'll never own a home because I can't rent and save for a deposit even on a decent salary and my ex left me in some debt, I'll never get married, I'll never have children. If I had to be my friend I'd be embarassed to be friends with the unwanted loser. I was adopted later in childhood too so I've never had a "normal" family with proper parents like other people. It's like I'm not allowed the things other people take for granted. I have a decent job but I've been so depressed I've hardly functioned and because I started in the pandemic nobody seems to notice or care what I do. Some days I don't even log on because I can't get up and nobody notices.

I'm not sure that going to work, seeing friends when they've got nothing better to do and sitting at home alone with my cats is a reason to to be alive. There's only so many books to read and sunsets to watch before you wonder what the fucking point is. I know I'm intelligent and funny and well presented and relatively attractive, but I just feel fucking worthless. There's something about me that just makes me not worth anyone's effort and if I knew what it was I'd change it.

The thought of being trapped with my family at Christmas (I love them but it reminds me of being a kid and not on a great way) and spending another new year alone while everyone else does nice things with people who care about them is just too much.

I probably need to stop drinking while I'm on Sertraline but if I take away something that is fairly central to how people socialise I'm going to have even less going on in my life. I don't really know how long I'm expected to live feeling like this tbh.

 

[butterfliesandhurricanes]

Thank you guys Haven’t managed to sleep yet but was able to calm myself down after about an hour. Stuck on my favourite YouTube channel and forced myself to concentrate and not think about anything else. Was worried I wasn’t going to be able to get out of that state because it was so strong.
Hope everyone here is doing okay

 

[hrh89]

Had a really bad day today (I mean everyday is bad but this one was horrendous) .
Couldn’t get myself out of this intense crying and feeling hopeless. I feel really trapped in my life I don’t have any friends my home life is so difficult it’s making me so depressed. I ended up reaching for a bottle of wine and downing the whole thing. I honestly didn’t know what else to do. I feel calmer now but obviously not a good way to cope. Sometimes I feel like the only way I can get through each day is by drinking. It takes me away from this awful life for a few hours.

 

[Pixipoppy]

Spoiler: Sorry trigger warning again SH/Depression/Suicde

so low at the moment. I’m not even actively depressed - I’m still enjoying life in a way, but I can’t keep the life I have. Since splitting with my partner I can’t afford to live where I do. My job is at a dead end but I have no confidence or skills to start looking elsewhere. I’m seeing all my friends move on with their lives and I have nowhere to go. I’m becoming a burden to them as all I do is get upset and I’m like a broken record. I’m a burden to my family financially and even with their help I’m struggling to pay my rent and bills. I don’t help myself either as I’m spending money on things to make myself feel better. I am in quite a lot of credit card and “pay later” debt. I’ve been effectively “closed” by my gp, and I wouldn’t want to go on meds either. Have been self harming which I hate doing and it frustrates me that this is where I am in life with nowhere to turn. I have put a date in my calendar and I just really hope things are better by then - but I don’t see how they can be? Sorry for the rant I’m just feeling so helpless at the moment.

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

I'm not sure why im typing this or have the right to. But maybe im hiding it so well from my family and close friends but i haven't dealt with my break up my mum's divorce and my brothers depression ive had to deal with all that all in one in the last year. And all I've ever wanted was my ex to be there i cried out to his best friend his family for him to talk to me i haven't heard from him since I've put the phone done. Ive reached every month I've hid that very well from everyone

I sent this to him last night and he read it at 3am
[View attachment 646909

he clearly doesn't care and should really learn my lesson

The thing is im sitting here crying my eyes thinking im not doing so well and i should go to the doctors to speak to someone because ive dealt with my mum and brother feels like i dont want to tell them but i struggle every day to they know i cry and bottle it up but what they don't know what i deal with my head maybe it was the wrong thread to reply in but ive just to remember im not alone

When my father died, the first and only person I wanted to reach out to was my ex-husband. Even though I knew he had a new partner and a baby on the way. He’d shared all my adult life and my father adored him and vice versa. Luckily he was amazing and even held me up throughout the funeral, but if he hadn’t been I don’t think I could have coped. It’s perfectly natural to want to turn to your ex-partner who had been your best friend for so many years. I’m just sorry that he didn’t respond, but maybe in the end it’s for the best. Although it doesn’t seem that way right now, I know!

 

[anything at all]

Posted on this thread over a month ago now
And I’m sadly still in the same place.. if not worse

this time of year isn’t helping and making things worse for me I swear … on top of how I’m feeling I’ve got people hassling me about Christmas plans and I honestly don’t want to know or take part in anything. Had people asking me what I want for Christmas etc, Ive already tried to say let’s not do gifts this year save your money.. but it’s just ‘oh no we can’t do that, what would you like…’ it’s such a hassle to come up with any suggestions as I don’t feel like anything brings me joy. Then I get made to feel like I’m being awkward..

Last time I spoke with the NHS well-being service they were wanting me to attend their webinars but I’ve spoken to them since and they’ve agreed that I’m not in the right place for that so it likely wouldn’t work or help me. They’ve referred me on for counselling instead but said it would likely be over the phone or a video call. Feel a bit hopeless as there is no way I would be able to talk or get my feelings out. I don’t have anywhere private at home to chat and my partner works from home and that’s not even the main problem..I have terrible phone anxiety which I keep repeating to them but they don’t listen.

They recommended that I should reach out to my GP and ask if I could try antidepressants - the last time I mentioned to my GP that I thought I was depressed it went ignored, so I’m hesitant to bother them about it again. I also had a bad experience on one antidepressant in the past so I’m unsure if I want to try any again. But I’m not managing well on nothing here? Is it worth a go..


If anyone made it this far through my rant
Question:
If you’re taking any medication, how did you know if you needed it?

I do think the main thing that’s stopping me going to my GP again is my previous experience when I mentioned how I was feeling before but there’s no other GP to register to here and it’s all online and you don’t know who you will get ..

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I'm 36 and should have a life by now. I left an abusive relationship 4 years ago and had some therapy but I still feel like I've never had and will never have a normal life and maybe I'm not really a person and I've done something horrible to just be stuck. I've tried really hard over the last few years to not repeat the same old shut as before and what I'm doing now is no better. It all just seems very pointless. Sorry for the essay, maybe just saying it out loud will help.

I just want to say you have not done something horrible, you’ve been through something horrible, and that’s not your fault. Please keep talking to us, saying it out loud, and keep seeking professional help. I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling, but how you’re reacting isn’t a reflection of you as a person.

 

[flutternutter]

Hi,
sorry to hear you are at such a low point

Please don’t be so harsh on yourself. You have made the right decision for yourself, so please don’t feel like you are giving up. If anything asking for help shows how brave you are, and I’m very proud of you for being so strong!
I’ll keep my fingers crossed that the medication will help you feel better very soon xx

Thanks. I just hope it helps. I'm fed up living like a miserable zombie lol I'm tired of never wanting to do anything and having to force myself to do the most basic of tasks

 

[kachoochoo]

hey everyone. I'm so upset right now. I just need to vent a minute. my partner's dad died earlier this week. I told him I'd look after him, like he did for me when my mother died. (radically different circs, I was A Mess).but apparently I'm not doing too well in the looking after stakes and my partner has kinda got cross with me (understandable,)

and, I kinda self harmed because it relieved something. but fuck am I not gonna feel good about myself in the morning!

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I’m dreading Christmas. If I’m completely honest I didn’t think I’d be here. Not sure how I survived this year. I just want the whole festive period to be over.

It will be over before you know it. Be kind to yourself, I am very happy that you are here

Anyone else find Christmas lights and music really jarring with how they feel? So much happiness and I can't understand how people can be happy.

This is the first year I am not going to spend any part of Xmas with the person who sexually abused me. That's the only good bit. I am completely ignoring Xmas rather than trying...trying would make me feel worse.

I'm increasing Sertraline to 150 from 100 tomorrow.

I actually find it distracting now but I’ve been where you are and I know how you feel. It’s really hurtful to see other people happy when you are just not. But it’s okay, you don’t have to be, we’re taught we should be happy all of the time but it’s impossible. Take care of yourself, I hope upping the dose helps you

 

[Hope96]

I feel like I need to go back on medicine to just get through day to day life but I'm terrified of the weight gain. It's really stressing me out because I already feel disgusting about myself. The joys of mental health and low self esteem eh.

 

[DoctorWho]

Oh gosh I’m so sorry. Have you called any doctor for help? I know its easier said than done x

yes I spoke to them today. They are seeing me on Tuesday as I have a few other physical symptoms.
ive been quite a heavy drinker since I was 18 and think it’s finally caught up with me tbh