The Depression Thread #2

[bitterntwisted]

I’m really struggling with some people in my life (some family and friends) being against me taking medicagion , saying stuff like have you tried exercise or your not ill enough to be taking that. It’s making me doubt myself, am I not trying hard enough?

Do they have degrees in psychiatric medicine? They can kick rocks. Yes, exercise is important, but if you can't get out of bed that is not happening. Medication isn't a silver bullet, but it is important to give you that boost so you can function. I think you are the best judge on what is good for you.

Hi @Maid22!

 

[InTheDollsHouse]

Yes at night only 15 mg at the minute

Hopefully you’ll find it settles. If you’re going to increase that should help too, 15mg isn’t very useful for anything.

I did take it alongside something else so I didn’t use it on its own, but definitely give it time. It really did help me feel more stable x

 

[Carapop]

No tablet of that nature will in and of itself cause you to spontaneously gain fat. It may increase your appetite, and have you reaching for more food than you would usually eat. Or it may make you feel drowsy and therefore less active. But it may also make you feel better able to get out of bed in the morning and be more active. Or feel more brighter and more motivated to make better food choices etc.

I started back on lexapro in January. I thought I would die for the first few weeks, the side effects were brutal. My anxiety was the worst it’s ever been, I was living in a constant state of fear, couldn’t stop shaking, couldn’t sleep at all and every day was a living nightmare. I’ll never forget it. I didn’t think I’d survive it. And I was already low starting the meds. But it passed. Almost like magic. After two weeks. And now I don’t notice anything. Except life feels a little more tolerable than before the meds. I hope that helps a bit. That side effects can be brutal and still be fleeting. If I knew then that an end was in sight, it would have been such a comfort.

 

[Pollyanna263]

So a while ago I mentioned joining a society at university to try and make some friends which I did. I went to two sessions and although haven’t exactly made friends with everyone, felt welcomed. The other week I was at placement and too tired to go so skipped it but then I caught covid so couldn’t go last week either. I’ve just turned up today and there’s none here. I am a little early but I’m worried it might be cancelled and I’ve just traveled here for no reason. It says on the website it’s on but I don’t know if the heads of society actually update that or whether it’s just automatically set up to say that every week. There’s no other way I can see whether sessions are on and I don’t know what to do. I feel so embarrassed. I just wanted to interact with someone other than my parents.

What time is it due to start?
Don’t leave yet. You’ve done the hard part by even getting there

 

[Glortard]

I am writing this because I need to say it out loud, or at least, put it in to words.

I am so tired of being sad.

There are people out there who have genuine depression and struggling with their mental health but I do wonder if I need to go speak to my gp, although feel so silly even suggesting it as I don’t want to waste their time where someone else might need it more then me.

To some people, on face value, I have no reason to be sad. I have a job, I have family who are nearby and care, I have a roof over my head.

But actually under the surface is that I don’t like my job, I am applying for jobs but keep getting rejected, I have been single for 4 years, no chance of meeting someone with how my life is and the guy I was FWB last year, I developed feelings for but he didn’t want a relationship and then it ended weirdly only to find out he is now in a relationship with the girl who he started seeing when he stopped with me, I live with my parents and I’m 32 and can’t afford to move out plus I have a really small amount of friends, most living far away.

I was at a work event today and when I left and walked back to my car, all I could think about was that I had nobody to message to say I was done and on my way home.

I’m so lonely and so sad and have been since around December. I can’t remember a week where I didn’t have a little feel sorry for myself sob like I am now.

Surely this can’t all be over a boy who doesn’t and probably never even cared. I think I use him (the fwb) as an outlet / blame that situation on my sadness. (It ended in January).

This probably doesn’t make any sense but like I said. I just needed to say these words before I head downstairs to sit with my parents on a Saturday night and pretend everything is okay.

Sigh. Sorry for the moan.

Chester Bennington's wife (lead singer for Linkin Park in case anyone does'nt know) posted a picture of him laughing/smiling and entitled it "this is what depression looks like". That sums it up for me that there is no clear depiction of what a depressed person should look like or what their situation should be. Sure there are different levels of depression where people don't leave their bed/house to those that drift through life on the periphery. By all means go and see your GP and he/she will probably offer a few suggestions from talking therapy, exercise to actual medication.

Is there activities near you that you could join like wild swimming, hill walking etc - that could get you out with no great cost but also help break up the routine meeting new friends.

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

Hi everyone, I hope it’s okay for me to post in here as I am looking for some advice on my boyfriend who has depression. I’ve been with him 3 years, he has had mental health issues for many years prior, and since I’ve known him there have been ups and downs with it, generally he has seemed ok for the last few months but now he seems to be in a bit of a depressive episode.

As we don’t live together and only see each other on the weekend, we text mainly during the week, he is not always a great communicator, but when he’s like this he becomes so distant and shuts me (and friends etc) out. Today, he was supposed to come see me and go visit my family together and he told me this afternoon he wouldn’t come as he doesn’t feel well (physically, but I presume it’s actually really mentally), this is one of a few times he has bailed on me for these type reasons kinda last minute. I understand/know he can’t help it and try to empathise as much as I can, and always try and let him know how much I care and that I’m here for him, but I feel so hurt when he doesn’t reply to my messages for hours, and usually it’s several days/weeks until he tells me he isn’t feeling good mentally, so it’s hard to distinguish whether he just cba with me or it’s actually because of his mental state. i was really upset today when he bailed, and I told him. deep down I get it and know it’s not his fault, but I can’t help but feel let down. It also doesn’t help that he hates to/wont talk about it in person and doesn’t seem to want to get any help about it.

Am I being selfish by getting upset about it? I don’t want to make it about me but also we’re in a relationship and I feel like he should at least make some effort for me.. but then I feel awful for saying that as I know I don’t truly get what it’s like so maybe I’m being unreasonable. I love him and like I say for many months he seems to have been alright til recently, obviously I don’t know that for sure but as it’s not allllll the time maybe I just have to deal w being affected by it if I want to be with him? I guess I am just looking to vent and any advice for how to cope with being in a relationship like this.

No you’re not being selfish at all, it’s really hard being with someone who suffers with their mental health.
I’m the same as him I will shut everyone off, not reply to people, I even remove myself from friendship chats, basically because I’m pissed off at the world.
All you can do is be there for him and understand it really isn’t his fault (you seem to know this already). But at the same time, don’t let it be to the detriment of your own mental health either. Xx

Just wanted to do a quick update. 6 weeks after restarting Citalopram and my mood has improved quite a bit. I wouldn't say it's back to normal, but it's the best it's been since early September. Anxiety is still a real struggle. I'll feel fine and then a panic attack will come out of nowhere. It's so debilitating. I'm on a waiting list for therapy but don't know when that'll happen. I doubt it'll be before Christmas.

How's everyone managing with the darker nights? I know lots of people are affected by that. x

Do you take propranolol for the panic attacks? I find they help a lot.
The darker nights are a real struggle, I don’t even understand why, I prefer winter weather, look forward to Christmas etc. but if I could lie in bed from October to March I would x

Hi, this is my first time posting.
I feel as if I'm really struggling with my depression. My Rheumatoid Arthritis is flaring up and poorly with gallstones and waiting for my gallbladder removed. Currently off work. This scares me as worried about losing my job due to absence and my wages. Sorry for rambling on. I just feel so lost lately. Sending love & strength to everybody

Hey, have you been waiting long? I had mine out early this year. Was initially scheduled to have if out 8 months earlier but it kept getting cancelled. Hope you can get it out soon.
im worried about my job too, and not being paid. Sounds weird but do you have a pet? My cats are literally the only thing that keep me going xx

 

[Maid22]

Have only been on a half dose of Zoloft for almost 3 weeks (was too scared to take the full dose yet) and I've already gained 5lbs. I know that probably sounds really fucking vapid and vain but I have Body dysmorphia and I have always had a lot of issues with my weight (plus being heavier isn't good for my joints)

Feeling pissed off that if I want to try and ease my depression one way, I'm gonna end up feeling like shite about myself another way and hating myself.

I so understand, I was prescribed amitriptyline, I put on nearly a stone in 2 weeks, went back to drs, all he said was you must be eating more (I wasn't) and there's no calories in the tablet, I was like, wtaf, changed drs, sorry you're going through this x

 

[Maid22]

Hi lovelies, hope everyone is managing somehow to keep going despite the shit days.

I haven’t posted much on here under this name but did under @Pollyanna263
Long story but had to start a new account, and was avoiding posting on here for various reasons. Have given myself a talking to and am trying to engage here a bit more as the lovely people here definitely helped me feel less alone

I’ve finally after much longer than anticipated swapped from Venlafaxine to Amitriptyline and am on day 5 of no ven plus 100mg amitrip. Bloody hell it’s a shit mix of withdrawal and new side effects

Has anyone here taken Amitriptyline? I’m struggling from early afternoon and I’m trying to work out if it’s the Amitrip wearing off, as I’m taking it at night - so logically I’m thinking by this time of day when I’m feeling spaced out / headache / blurred vision / increased heart rate it might be that wearing off?

Just hoping to sense check with anyone else that might have experienced the same - or with a different tricyclic antid.

Sorry for the long post

Hi lovely, I was wondering about you, haven't seen you post for ages.
I was on amitriptyline for a while, really didn't suit me, wasn't on it for long, but the withdrawal from it was awful.
Am on 30 mg citalopram, it levels me out if you know what I mean .

 

[Lara98]

I have been with someone with depression. They can push you into oblivion and then come back strong as though it’s the honeymoon phase again. For my relationship it was a constant cycle of this as he struggled every few months or so. I was always there for him but at the expense of myself and in the end it broke me and then broke us.
Pease take care of yourself too.

I will. Things have gotten worse, he's admitted he is struggling with his eating disorder again, he's in self destruct mode. I think what I need to do is take a step back. He needs to work on himself and if he needs me I'm there but I can't stop living my life or get myself down again.

 

[nimblefimble]

Finally managed to take my first sertraline tablet this morning after putting it off for 2 weeks. I’m feeling so anxious about it and scared about what’s going to happen and whether I’ve made the right decision. Only took A half dose to ease my way in.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Anyone ever take Seroxat? I was prescribed it years ago. Every night the dreams were apocalypse themed. Fluorescent radio active body parts scattered on desolate empty streets. I used to say every night was movie night with technicolor dreams. Awful. Plus electrical zaps in the brain. I couldn't tolerate them. I'm not sure really how much ADs help an ADHD brain. I took Fluoxitine and first time I was amazed to actually feel ok in my own skin but it wore off after time.

 

[FlipFlop0706]

Can you ask for academic suspension and return when you're up to it? I think you'd have a strong case with documented absences x

I’ve had multiple leaves of absences now. So much so that I doubt they’ll me grant a suspension as I need to have completed the dissertation within a certain number of years to get the masters which I’m likely coming up to now. Plus whilst the leaves of absences have been helpful for my mh, they’ve not been that helpful in that they’ve allowed me to put my dissertation completely on the back burner so then when I do finally come back to it, I get completely overwhelmed, or find half or what I have written is too outdated to use which then sends me back to square one again.
---

Are you a bit reluctant to submit anything because you feel like you’ve not excelled as you’d like and this is all a bit final? Not trying to be presumptuous. Obviously you go in with expectations but sometimes completing it is good enough and you have shown you’re capable by passing assignments. The grade isn’t significant in most fields. There’s time to take a breather, as well as regular breaks and tackle it, believe me

Is there anyone who can read over parts for you? They don’t have to be knowledgeable on the subject. Even just talking it through with a ‘layperson’ can help. Have you submitted any drafts to your tutor? Could you get any further days with an extenuating circumstances form? I’m sure there also used to be ways you could get discretionary postponement. Good luck!

I get what you are saying but weirdly no? I couldn’t care less about excelling anymore. I’m completely over it and regret I ever started it. I just want it gone now so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. Ideally I would like to scrape a pass as I don’t have it in me to resubmit. What I find really frustrating is I’m at the point now of either not submitting or submitting knowing it will fail. And that’s not me thinking with my depression hat on where I’m stupid at everything, realistically it won’t and should not pass as it is from looking at the grading structure.

My course is via distance learning and because I’ve had multiple leaves of absence I’ve now got a new tutor who I have never been in touch with before. Im assuming my old tutor informed him of my mh but so far via email he hasn’t been very helpful when I’ve tried to seek support. That or he tends to go on holidays whenever I have hit a submission deadline so is not contactable during the most pivotal time.

I really struggled with asking someone to proofread but when I finally did, they were really honest with me and said they lost interest reading it as my field of study is a bit dry and boring which I completely understand.

So really my choice is either submit and then deal with the inevitable fail or throw in the towel and quit before I fail which is shit as well. Part of me feels like I should just submit as what have I got to lose either way but I just don’t want to open an email with fail on it as it will just confirm everything I already think about myself and make me go further into a downward spiral.

I have until Tuesday to decide what I’m going to do but right now my head just feels like mush and im completely lacking any motivation. I’m going to try and keep working on it but all I want to do is hide in bed and sleep so I dont have to deal with any of it.

 

[lemonlavender]

Way too fast!

My GP told me to do 75mg each time, every couple of weeks, but then I saw my Psych a couple of days later and he said don’t even think about it, that’s disastrous. He’s adamant that I can’t go any faster than this or the withdrawal will be too awful.

I’m exhausted. I keep falling asleep in the day. Nausea, headaches.

Can you slow down your plan?

Gosh, at this stage I guess I'm nearly there but it has been a tough few weeks alright. It was directed by my psychiatrist and a shock to my gp , ha ha. I'm going to the chemist tomorrow to get my 37.5 for next week and zyban . Thank you for replying !

 

[Pollyanna263]

Beautiful flowers Pol!
I’m doing ok, not great, but ok is better than bad.

Work has been a pretty big trigger of some horrific anxiety lately but I had a long chat with my boss the other day and he’s been slowly moving me away from some projects cause he wants me to take the lead on something big coming up. In my head I was about to lose my job cause more and more things were being taken away from me.

My head then tells me if I don’t have my job they’ll take my LO away. Same reason I didn’t tell anyone about my PND, I was convinced they’d take her away.

Stupid bloody brains being nasty to us and telling us lies. It’s so unfair.

I totally understand the fear of children being removed. Even though I have no reason to think they would be - no matter how I feel, they are always, without question, cared for.

It holds me back even now, I don’t ever admit to how bad I’m really feeling, or how close to the edge I am, because my children are my world and I’m terrified of losing them.

But that’s part of the illness, isn’t it? Our brain chemistry is so broken, we hear the hard parts whether they’re true or not

I have no doubt that you are an *amazing* mum

 

[shadowcat5]

Pain doesn’t have perspective. First you need to forgive yourself for feeling like this! You already feel shit, you don’t have to bully yourself for it.

It’s so difficult to be compassionate to ourselves, but if your closest friend told you she was feeling low, would you tell her that she’s lucky and snap out of it?

You’ve taken this time to recover and recuperate. The distinction that society imposes between mental and physical health is a fallacy. It’s all just health. Our mind influences our body and our body influences our mind.

Please try and treat yourself kindly and gently. Your struggle is real! Use this time to rest and do things that help you relax or cheer you up, whatever that might be. Build yourself back up, build an armour around you, and you’ll feel better able to face the office again next week.

that’s so kind thank you for replying. I just feel like im drowning atm but you’re so right. I need rest and time to recuperate so that I’m capable of handing the office. Thank you so much

 

[or JusRollWithIt]

@Good Egg I’m sorry for what you are going through. I think most of us on this thread have felt some of what you describe. It’s such a very hard place to be, especially as you look around to what “should” be your natural supports (friends, family) and find it lacking. I think, personally, fear and uncertainty is a big factor in depression. Humans are wired to react to fear and the unknown creates an unsettling feeling. But when it’s long term and unresolved, it wears on us and can create those feelings you describe. Lack of sleep and nightmares and your recent loss adds to it. Would you consider talking to a dr about it? If only for a short term solution to help you get some rest and feel a bit better?

 

[Felix08]

I would start by brainstorming small things that make you smile or make your day better. Or maybe there is something you always wanted to do that got cast aside for one reason or another?

I know you said you don’t want to look for other meds but maybe you could reconsider this decision. I’m speaking from personal experience as I was in a very, very dark place just several days ago before I went on Prozac. I’m surprised (and even in mild disbelief) at how much better I feel. I certainly did not think it was possible anymore, and no amount of exercise or willpower could bring me to where I am now.
The worst thing about depression is how empty and hopeless it makes us feel. You might think that’s what you are like now, but it’s not you, your emotions or your new reality. It’s an illness, and a serious one at that. It’s difficult to treat, but difficult does not mean impossible. Please don’t give up, I know we all have days when we feel like this, but they won’t last forever. I believe in you and a brighter, happier future for you so you can live out your dreams. Sending you a hug

i was thinking of starting with an exercise routine because it has always been something that I wanted but could never set myself to it.

Its just hard to think about what you want in life that is achievable. Like a Nice boyfriend would be great but I cant just go out and get one

 

[Sheabutter]

That’s a good way of thinking about it, I do agree What about times when you can’t go out, e.g. it’s too late at night or you are working? I really wish something like breathing exercises worked for me.

I take Flo vitamins which have made a difference. I can’t explain what it does except that my reaction to certain things is more chill than if I wasn’t taking it. I also dance to music, use cbd oil, nap, take stress relief gummies but they all are secondary to the vitamins except for maybe the dancing lol

 

[Eeyore147]

I take Quetiapine alongside 2 antidepressants and the Quet has helped the most since it was added. It’s an antipsychotic which can be added to help with mood.
I haven’t had issues with side effects - whereas with mirtazapine I gained loads of weight, and with venlafaxine I became totally detached.

It might help you to have a full review with someone totally different, if it’s possible? My GP asked for me to see a different psychiatrist, and he has been amazing. Totally reviewed my meds and we’re switching them all (apart from quetiapine!) mostly to ease side effect burden.

Sometimes a fresh pair of eyes helps.
Good luck x

Mirtazapine was evil! I couldn’t stop eating carbs, craving toast at bed time etc. I had real munchies on that. Quet and Olanzapine also caused huge weight gain for me.
I currently rattle with the amount I take and although in a real low at the moment I’m hoping it will pass as I can’t face anymore chances as think I’ve tried everything .

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Sending hugs to you all.

I don’t really know what to say. Objectively things are ok and compared to 2019/2020 things are much better but I just feel guilty and stuck all the time.

I volunteer at 2 places but when things get stressful (one of them is v stressful at the moment) my cluster headaches come back with a vengeance. I know I can’t go back to doing what I was because of that but I feel like a failure. It is like a weight the whole time. As well as the money stress. On top of trying to recover from the ED stuff when my psychology brain is doing the opposite.

Is the rest of life going to be like this? Looking back at the 20/30s at all I achieved which becomes an ever distant memory and I become a shadow?

Sorry for the wallowing. I am exhausted. Waking early worrying at the moment. I don’t even know what about. Why won’t the brain turn off?