The Depression Thread #2

Status
Thread locked. We start a new thread when they have over 1000 posts, click the blue button to see all threads for this topic and find the latest open thread.
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
Glad I found this thread. I’m really struggling at the moment. I’ve struggled with my mental health since I was about 14 after my sister had cancer. Ever since then I’ve never been happy for a long period of time. I’ve had multiple different therapies, medications you name it. Nothing has made a difference. I’ve been on a serious decline since having my son in 2020, anxiety and depression is eating me alive. My extended family have been horrendous, they completely ignored me when it was my child’s birthday, not even a text on the day. I know it’s me, everything is my fault. I don’t have any friends. I’m invisible at work, always been too shy/quiet. Ultimately, I wish I was someone else, I wish I was pretty, confident, bubbly. I wish I wasn’t here anymore. The only reason why I’m still here is because of the guilt of leaving my child behind.
 
  • Heart
  • Like
Reactions: 7
Glad I found this thread. I’m really struggling at the moment. I’ve struggled with my mental health since I was about 14 after my sister had cancer. Ever since then I’ve never been happy for a long period of time. I’ve had multiple different therapies, medications you name it. Nothing has made a difference. I’ve been on a serious decline since having my son in 2020, anxiety and depression is eating me alive. My extended family have been horrendous, they completely ignored me when it was my child’s birthday, not even a text on the day. I know it’s me, everything is my fault. I don’t have any friends. I’m invisible at work, always been too shy/quiet. Ultimately, I wish I was someone else, I wish I was pretty, confident, bubbly. I wish I wasn’t here anymore. The only reason why I’m still here is because of the guilt of leaving my child behind.
The words that jumped out at me in your post were “I know it’s me, everything is my fault.”

It is not you.

I know you can’t believe that (I really do understand, because I have been in that place many, many times) but I promise you that it is not you.


Do you have day-to-day support at home from a partner?
Parenting is hard, even without mental illness. It’s relentless and it’s challenging. It’s okay to admit that ❤ Feeling those feelings doesn’t make you a bad parent.

Have you spoken to anyone about how you’re feeling? xx
 
  • Heart
  • Like
Reactions: 5
The words that jumped out at me in your post were “I know it’s me, everything is my fault.”

It is not you.

I know you can’t believe that (I really do understand, because I have been in that place many, many times) but I promise you that it is not you.


Do you have day-to-day support at home from a partner?
Parenting is hard, even without mental illness. It’s relentless and it’s challenging. It’s okay to admit that ❤ Feeling those feelings doesn’t make you a bad parent.

Have you spoken to anyone about how you’re feeling? xx
Oh 100%, I’m finding it harder now little one has entered toddlerhood. I punish myself more because I don’t feel like I do enough with him, I never have the motivation, or I just dread taking him out as it can be so difficult.

I have my partner who is good as gold, but I do think it’s hard for him to deal with my low moods. I haven’t spoken to any professionals recently. I did have counselling last year but I’ve slipped into old habits again. I know I need to see a gp if I want to get better but I feel like a lost cause at this point. I don’t think I deserve happiness
 
  • Heart
Reactions: 4
Oh 100%, I’m finding it harder now little one has entered toddlerhood. I punish myself more because I don’t feel like I do enough with him, I never have the motivation, or I just dread taking him out as it can be so difficult.

I have my partner who is good as gold, but I do think it’s hard for him to deal with my low moods. I haven’t spoken to any professionals recently. I did have counselling last year but I’ve slipped into old habits again. I know I need to see a gp if I want to get better but I feel like a lost cause at this point. I don’t think I deserve happiness
I promise I’m not just saying this. I promise it’s true.

You do deserve happiness.
You are not a lost cause.

A good mum isn’t someone who goes out with their toddler 5 times a week or gets the crafts out every day. (If it is, I’m screwed)

A good mum is one who worries about wanting the best for their child. One who worries they aren’t doing enough, even though their child goes to bed at night warm, safe, loved, having laughed and smiled and known joy in that day. Having known that mummy loves them.

I am absolutely certain your boy knows you love him.

It’s clear that you worry about doing the best for him (which you already are, by the way. You’re doing the very best that you can and that is enough).

You deserve to feel happy. I know it feels like you’ll never feel happy again. I know it seems like you can’t remember what happy feels like any more. But it is still there, it just needs a little bit of help to come back to you.

Please call the GP. Please be honest with them.
Show them what you’ve written here, if you can’t find the words to tell them. What you’ve written here says what they need to know to be able to help you.

We are here ❤
 
  • Heart
Reactions: 3
Part of the reason I’ve struggled so much to work through my birth trauma is because I’ve been in such a detached, dissociative state that I’ve been so far removed from myself that I haven’t been able to feel any emotion.

The only way I can explain it is that I’ve been on auto-pilot, just going through the motions day to day. I feel like my head and my body aren’t joined, like I’m not in control of either, that I’m basically just keeping going.

I can’t connect with my trauma because I can’t connect with myself.
I can’t cry. Genuinely can’t tell you the last time I cried. It just will not come.

Before, I was the girl who would sob when a character died in a TV series.

So here I am watching all the news coverage (like, glued to it obsessively) but I haven’t yet felt a single emotion.

What the hell is wrong with me.
 
  • Heart
Reactions: 4
Part of the reason I’ve struggled so much to work through my birth trauma is because I’ve been in such a detached, dissociative state that I’ve been so far removed from myself that I haven’t been able to feel any emotion.

The only way I can explain it is that I’ve been on auto-pilot, just going through the motions day to day. I feel like my head and my body aren’t joined, like I’m not in control of either, that I’m basically just keeping going.

I can’t connect with my trauma because I can’t connect with myself.
I can’t cry. Genuinely can’t tell you the last time I cried. It just will not come.

Before, I was the girl who would sob when a character died in a TV series.

So here I am watching all the news coverage (like, glued to it obsessively) but I haven’t yet felt a single emotion.

What the hell is wrong with me.
Have you had a reflections meeting about your birth trauma?
 
Have you had a reflections meeting about your birth trauma?
No, I had a consultant debrief but actually it wasn’t a debrief…. Long story as it was midwife-error which caused it.
I’m having long-term therapy and we’re addressing it there. It just feels so bloody horrible to be completely empty of all emotion.

I guess I shouldn’t have said ‘what’s wrong with me’ because I know the answer is trauma!
 
  • Heart
Reactions: 1
Part of why I came off lexapro (an SSRI) was that numbing. It killed all the joy from life along with dampening the despair. I still felt utterly lost and deeply sad but just didn’t cry anymore. I’ve never been through child birth so I can’t ever understand that, but I did have a rather traumatic medical experience a few years ago resulting in emergency life saving surgery (after days of my basically dying and wracked in pain as doctors kept sending me with prescriptions…). It’s not something I talk about with any real emotion. It feels like it all happened to someone else.

During the week, I went to an acupuncturist for the first time ever. We had a chat and I basically told her my life story, she stuck in the needles and left me along for twenty mins. There, out of nowhere, I just starting sobbing in a way I haven’t since I lost my grandmother a decade ago. Big world ending sobs and flooded with tears. And I was very emotional for the rest of the day. A book made me cry that evening and that’s not happened for a very long time.

i think a part of me was frightened that if I started crying I’d never stop, but I’ve been ok again since - I feel this is important to tell you! You don’t have to fear connecting with the emotion. It won’t end you. You’ve endured much worse. The emotion will never ever be as painful as the trauma itself. You got through the trauma, you’ll get through the feelings.

now, I don’t know if it was because I told my little story to someone who treated it with such intense kindness and compassion, or if there is actually something to the eastern practice of acupuncture, but it’s not very expensive and it’s entirely free of risk, so might be worth a try?
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 3
Part of why I came off lexapro (an SSRI) was that numbing. It killed all the joy from life along with dampening the despair. I still felt utterly lost and deeply sad but just didn’t cry anymore. I’ve never been through child birth so I can’t ever understand that, but I did have a rather traumatic medical experience a few years ago resulting in emergency life saving surgery (after days of my basically dying and wracked in pain as doctors kept sending me with prescriptions…). It’s not something I talk about with any real emotion. It feels like it all happened to someone else.

During the week, I went to an acupuncturist for the first time ever. We had a chat and I basically told her my life story, she stuck in the needles and left me along for twenty mins. There, out of nowhere, I just starting sobbing in a way I haven’t since I lost my grandmother a decade ago. Big world ending sobs and flooded with tears. And I was very emotional for the rest of the day. A book made me cry that evening and that’s not happened for a very long time.

i think a part of me was frightened that if I started crying I’d never stop, but I’ve been ok again since - I feel this is important to tell you! You don’t have to fear connecting with the emotion. It won’t end you. You’ve endured much worse. The emotion will never ever be as painful as the trauma itself. You got through the trauma, you’ll get through the feelings.

now, I don’t know if it was because I told my little story to someone who treated it with such intense kindness and compassion, or if there is actually something to the eastern practice of acupuncture, but it’s not very expensive and it’s entirely free of risk, so might be worth a try?
Thank you so much for sharing that ❤

I have actually had acupuncture but with my osteopath alongside treatment for a back problem. She knows bits of the birth story and we do touch on it lightly as it’s relevant to my back issues. I’ve had acupuncture 4x with her so far and once afterwards I felt full of emotion and then fell into a really deep sleep with awful dreams - like it was all coming out!

A big part of my problem is I can’t tell my story. No matter how I try the words don’t come. It’s like I completely freeze, my brain won’t even form a thought.
I have managed once to write it down for my therapist so she knows, but I have no idea what I wrote as I cannot read it back 🤦🏼‍♀️
 
  • Heart
  • Sad
Reactions: 2
Thank you so much for sharing that ❤

I have actually had acupuncture but with my osteopath alongside treatment for a back problem. She knows bits of the birth story and we do touch on it lightly as it’s relevant to my back issues. I’ve had acupuncture 4x with her so far and once afterwards I felt full of emotion and then fell into a really deep sleep with awful dreams - like it was all coming out!

A big part of my problem is I can’t tell my story. No matter how I try the words don’t come. It’s like I completely freeze, my brain won’t even form a thought.
I have managed once to write it down for my therapist so she knows, but I have no idea what I wrote as I cannot read it back 🤦🏼‍♀️
You poor darling. I was listening to Joe Tracini in a podcast this morning. You might know of him? Joe Pasquaile’s son and has been VERY vocal about his mental health. He mentioned that it’s impossible to let go of something you’re not able to hold. He’s recently written a book with that very motivation. To get it all out of his head and into something physical that he can then dispose. Akin to writing letters that we can burn. You will get there. Be patient and kind and compassionate. You’re doing all the right things. There’s no hurry. x
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 2
No, I had a consultant debrief but actually it wasn’t a debrief…. Long story as it was midwife-error which caused it.
I’m having long-term therapy and we’re addressing it there. It just feels so bloody horrible to be completely empty of all emotion.

I guess I shouldn’t have said ‘what’s wrong with me’ because I know the answer is trauma!
I had birth trauma due to a midwife error too. Here if you need to talk.
 
  • Heart
  • Like
Reactions: 3
Sending you love xx
Hello lovely. I hope you’re ok. Someone once said to me antidepressants are great cause they stop you feeling sad. But they also stop you feeling anything. I wholeheartedly agree.
I understand what you’re going through though I really do and you know I’m here if you need xx
 
  • Heart
  • Like
Reactions: 2
Hello lovely. I hope you’re ok. Someone once said to me antidepressants are great cause they stop you feeling sad. But they also stop you feeling anything. I wholeheartedly agree.
I understand what you’re going through though I really do and you know I’m here if you need xx
Thank you xx

It’s weird because I was still able to cry when I was first taking them. I was struggling with PND but the trauma didn’t hit me fully until his first birthday and after that the whole thing imploded. That’s when the detachment set in and the emotions disappeared.
He turns 4 next month…

I’m under the care of an amazing psychiatrist now and am weaning off of the meds I’ve been on a long time, almost there now, but it’s so far only allowing the PTSD flashbacks etc to be worse and the depression symptoms to be less controlled without actually bringing any other relief!

Hopeful that the next few weeks along with the work in therapy will see a shift 🤞🏻
 
  • Heart
  • Like
Reactions: 5
Hello, I was wondering if anyone has come off Duloxetine and had mood swings once stopping it completely? At first I was so irritated and felt actual rage building up inside me, and also random bouts of crying. But this second week being off it I’m having weird laughing attacks like I can’t actually breathe from laughing. It’s in response to something funny, but my god, not that funny. Has anyone experienced this coming off Anti Depressants? I was on them for 2 years.
 
I feel so unimportant to everyone.

I can never show that I’m having a bad day, I always treat people right. Yet everyone else can ignore me for the day or be snappy and moody with me and expect me to say nothing.

If I acted that way I’d be the worst in the world.
 
  • Heart
Reactions: 5
I dont know if ive posted in this thread before or if this post will even make sense.

Im tired of life. Tired of being treated like 'the bad guy'. I would never act on thoughts but weekly I get the thought of not wanting to be here.

Im on medication and under the mental health team but at the moment nothings helping. I just phoned the crisis team who told me I need to expand my friendship circle, which is easier said than done. Im not someone people want to be friends with.

I dont really know where else this post is going but I just needed vent somewhere.
 
  • Heart
Reactions: 5
I dont know if ive posted in this thread before or if this post will even make sense.

Im tired of life. Tired of being treated like 'the bad guy'. I would never act on thoughts but weekly I get the thought of not wanting to be here.

Im on medication and under the mental health team but at the moment nothings helping. I just phoned the crisis team who told me I need to expand my friendship circle, which is easier said than done. Im not someone people want to be friends with.

I dont really know where else this post is going but I just needed vent somewhere.
So sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Do you have anyone at all you can lean on? Xx
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1
I’m so tired of my life, I’m being made homeless in 2 days, got no family or friends to help me, I’ve got 15p last me till Wednesday, no food in so on cup a soups, nobody to ask to borrow money, I’m absolutely petrified of being made homeless, I don’t want to be on the streets, I’ve got no job, see my job coach tomorrow to be told to find work, I’ve tried & tried, but with no home what address do I put down? I can go for days even weeks without seeing anyone, my friends haven’t bothered with me at all, not popped in to see me, helped me pack, or just asked in general how I’m coping! Least I know where I stand with people now, I just want to disappear & never be found again cos no fucker will care anyway! Sorry for the rant
 
  • Heart
  • Sad
Reactions: 4
Hi all, hope this is okay to post. I was wondering if anyone if anyone was willing to share their experience with antidepressants, specifically ssris. I have spoken to my GP about starting medication for GAD and depressive episodes and am due back next week to discuss my options. I’m kind of overwhelmed from researching. There’s so many different types, side effects etc, I don’t know what to make of it all. My main q’s are 1.which ssri is generally offered first, 2. What side effects have people dealt with and how bad, 3. Is it worth it? Im so sick of living with mental illness and medication seems like the next step in managing it, but I don’t have anyone in person I feel I can talk to about all this. It’s all very overwhelming and scary.:( TIA xx
 
  • Heart
Reactions: 1
Status
Thread locked. We start a new thread when they have over 1000 posts, click the blue button to see all threads for this topic and find the latest open thread.