Very true. In retrospect, I think it was especially Frank who was the fragile one. Even though he tends to look stronger, Ivo is a much gentler person. Frank went through a lot of difficult episodes before and had a terrible burn out at some point from which he never truly recovered physically and he was left with a rather low self esteem regarding his capabilities and talents (my imho, based on what I've seen him do and heard him say). Running the shitshow for SJ, taking care of everything for her, probably made him feel in control again. Until he found out he wasn't as SJ/IJ pulled the rug right underneath him. Did they also stay because they got something out of the transactional relationship? Probably. Did they leave when they realized it was no longer worth their sanity? Just as probable.
I believe you've summed it up very accurately, Clara. People like SJ have the empathy chip missing. At core, they see others as simply there to meet their own needs and support the play they write about their own, rather empty lives. They simply can't care in more than an abstract and/or superficial way about others' situations and feelings. They can playact care/love in short, intense bursts when others' eyes are on them.
As a sidebar note, I've heard top experts say that 'narcissism' is a more polite way of describing anti-social personality disorders like sociopathy and psychopathy.
Other experts on primate behaviour tell us that good leaders, the best leaders have one thing in common: they genuinely have empathy. Because possessing and exercising genuine compassion with their people is the best way to create enduring loyalty and amity, to keep the tribe together and functional. The only other way to lead is through fear and the manipulation of others' fears and fragilities. Those manipulated 'tribes' inevitably fall apart and good people get injured, sooner or later.
These fear-evoking people are extremely toxic to people like Frank (whose circumstances and experiences I'd guessed and you've confirmed) and damaging to most of us. But they also thrive on our complaints about them...good or bad, it's all oxygen to them. We're still feeding their need for attention, to be centre of attention.
Best thing to do is 'gray rock' them. Totally ignore them. I really do worry for Frank that he still has so much to say about SJ and what she did. I worry for his emotional health. However negative, this personality type loves the attention, and can - as SJ does - easily turn it around to make out that they're being victimised. Thus wounding genuine victims even more. So people like Frank and Tomas (and all the many others who've been injured and expelled from a narcissist's tribe) are never going to find healing and closure in publicly denouncing these types.
The second best thing is to make fun of them! Perhaps Frank could come to see a way to laugh at the ludicrousness of narcissistic dramas which always lead to failures, and the idiocy of uncaring and cruel behaviours? And understand that, ultimately, their tribes fall apart because they are unable to make bonds of authentic kindness and love. Despite all, I would guess that Frank has a much more authentic, loving and fulfilling life than SJ has or ever will have (and I know how very difficult it is to get to that point of laughter - it's so worth it though.)
As very long term student of why humans do what they do, I find the internet's revelation of the huge range and scope of the scourge of narcissism/psychopathy/sociopathy fascinating and disturbing. (IMHO it's the #1 problem on the planet - for reasons that would fill a dissertation!) I'm very hopeful that it'll help the rest of us to pull the world back into greater harmony and functionality.
Personally, I so appreciate Tattle and all our Tattlers here, because you're smart, you see through these narcissists' toxic games, you're fantastic at making fun of these self-aggrandising idiots! And you care.