The advice thread for random problems #6

[Sophiadee]

Hi, I’m not sure this is the right thread but my partner told me his brother (34) who I’ve found a bit odd anyway, is now dating a 19 year old. This really creeped me out but even more so once I saw a picture of her as she didn’t even look 19 to me, she looked like a child. Me being me, I did a lot of digging and found out she’s actually 16, so he’s more than double her age. My partner told their mum who obviously didn’t take the news well and asked the brother to meet her asap. She told him what I’d found and said she was going to tell the girl’s mum. He was fuming and lost it with his mum, he’s always had anger issues and clearly doesn’t think straight. He should be cutting ties and thanking us for doing the work he should’ve, not that he should be with what he thought was a 19 year old anyway. He even threatened to kill their family dog if she did I said this is a police matter now with this threat but my partner discouraged me. I feel like everyone walks on egg shells with him as they’re pretty intimidated, myself included, so she wants to wait a bit to tell her mum as apparently he has evidence that she’s not 16. I’m thinking he doesn’t as they both could clear this up straight away and I think the fact he thinks being with a 19 year old is okay to rings alarm bells. I think he’s known she’s 16 all along. His mum cut ties with him and he accepted this which screams guilty to me, he’s chosen this child over his own family. Should I message the girls’ parents myself? Just a bit worried of the repercussions as he’s clearly a psychopath but I have daughters myself and I’d want someone to reach out to me with this info if they knew. My partner, understandably, doesn’t want me talking to people I know about this for advice so I thought this could be a good idea.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I’m new to this thread but it’s the only advice one I could find.

I’ve just found out that a guy that would randomly message me asking me to meet him, go for drinks, stay in a hotel etc, has a gf/wife. I never really replied to him or met him but I feel awful. He posted photos of him and his partner and I decided to have a look at her profile and seen that they had been together for at least two years in which time I had spoken to him.

He had originally told me he was single otherwise I would never have entertained his messages.

I then messaged him asking if he had a partner this whole time and he blocked me instantly. I got screenshots of our messages so I have proof.

Part of me wants to tell her because I would want to know if I was her but I also don’t want to be “that person”

What would you do?

I would let her know. As awful as it might be I’d want to know if Mr Lolz were entertaining other women

 

[Wophie]

Random problem - I am being cyber stalked by someone or maybe even a group of people

 

[qqwertyy]

So not sure where else to post this but I'm torn what to do. My current housemate has thrown a curve ball and is moving out. I found out yesterday so I was straight onto looking at places as I can't afford the current rent by myself. I mean, I could with bills on top but it's a stretch, but funnily enough, my friend asked me to move in with her as she's looking someone to look after the house and her cat while she's away (she works as cabin crew) and she's suggested I pay £600. I have 4 weeks to find a place lol

I went to view a place for £625 for rent for a flat only, and I think I'm in a a good position to get it, and with bills ontop, it leaves me with £1000 to pay my own bills, save, groceries and live basically.

But if I move in with my friend, it leaves me with £1200 a month to play with. I currently pay £600 with my housemate who pays the same but we overpay on gas and electricity etc so my current bills are only £500 maybe.

So I'm not sure what to do. I like the idea of living with my friend as we're the same age (34), similar attitudes etc, but do worry it might go tits up and I lose a friend. BUT then it oculd bring us closer together and she could be gone for a week at a time so i'll have a house (as she's got a 2 bedroom house with a garden) to myself.

I know this is an extremely lucky problem to have in some ways, espically with the state of hte world is in the UK. so any advice would be appreciative

I’d move in with your friend! The fact that she’s away so often means that you’re less likely to rub each other up the wrong way, and if you hate it or it doesn’t work out you know that you can afford the option to move in by yourself as a safety net. You’d also have more money saved by then which would ease the strain of living alone if it did come to that. Exciting times!

 

[littlepup]

What do people use for itchy scars? It's a new scar. And how to improve the appearance of it? Tad self conscious of how visible it is

Silicone Scar plasters work wonders though not inconspicuous - perhaps if could use one over night

 

[littlepup]

Has anyone here started over, completely, on their 30's or later? I'm just so tired of my life, it's itchy and uncomfortable and just doesn't fit me any more but I have no idea what else I want to do. And it terrifies me to stay where I am because I would regret it so massively if I did, but it also seems so foolish to give up everything I've built in the last decade for a midlife crisis?

I feel so dragged down by my job, my mortgage, the demands of my day to day, my depression is consistently bad, had been for years now despite antidepressants and therapy and yoga and all the stuff people tell you to do to fight this and somethings gotta give or I will literally unalive myself when my dog's time has come because she’s the only thing keeping me together at this point. The only thing keeping me from doing something irreversible is the thought of not knowing what would happen to her.

I just want to get into my van and drive off yelling "Sayonara bitches" at this point because I despise my life so fucking much I can't stand it any longer.

To a point, yes I had to start over due to a relationship break down - moving out, having to change my job, losing almost all of my friends as they were more my ex’s and losing the lifestyle I had. I got to keep my dog and I had my family and moved back home so I guess in a sense there was some moving backward and I did have a base but it was still a totally new path.
It wasn’t a ‘choice’ as such so I had to make it work but the first thing I did was book an extended ‘holiday’ travelling in Asia. It allowed me to quickly build a new experience of my own and grow in confidence in my own abilities. It gave me something to talk about that wasn’t ’my old life’ too because the hardest part was to not keep going back there in my mind or in conversation.

I think if you’ve reached a certain point you have nothing to lose so just go for it. Honestly if you feel like if you keep going the way you are you’ll be dead in a year, does it matter if it doesn’t work out? And if it does work out it’ll save your life. You really do have nothing to lose so be sensible and plan for best case (don’t spend all your money and cut all ties) but take the leap. There are volunteer programmes abroad if you can find someone to dogsit for a while that might be a good start otherwise if you wait for spring you could look at seasonal work?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Not sure where to put this and it's very boring sorry. I have quite a few people on Christmas Day and I'm stressing as I don't have a large oven. I'm cooking chicken and beef and want to cook one chicken the night before and somehow reheat on the day just so I'm sure I have plenty to go around. How would you reheat the chicken to keep it moist (hate that word)? I was thinking of carving and plating the meat then microwaving it while covered and hoping for the best. Any advice very welcome and sorry for the dull question.

Do not microwave the chicken if you've carved it. Rather reheat in the oven and put foil over it.
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I have a work acquaintance who I feel bad for because she's older and doesn't seem to have friends or family nearby. I have fallen into the trap of occasionally inviting her to things and then regretting it because she will turn every conversation back to her, no matter what. She also tells tales on people ("has a word" with peoples' managers about various things), and talks about people a LOT behind their backs.

A work colleague is currently in hospital and a small group of us from work went to visit her this morning (with her consent). We didn't initially invite this other lady for no reason other than she wasn't around when we were discussing it. However, she saw us heading to the carpark and stopped us to ask if we were going somewhere nice, and old softy me felt inviting her to tag along was the right thing to do. An extra person tipped us over the available space in my car, so one of the other ladies said she'd taxi over on her own. Not a good start. Anyhoo, when we got there, our colleague was pleased to see us and was giving her account of what she's been going through - except at every opportunity, this acquaintance would interrupt and say things such as, "Well, when I was in hospital they ..." and "Oh, you don't know what pain is until you've had what I had ..." it's just so tiresome and really hard to put up with. A couple of the other ladies ended up making excuses and departing (giving me the evil eye as they did), leaving me stuck with this acquaintance and another work colleague. On the drive back, the acquaintance was saying how nice it felt to be included in things, which made me feel really awful for being cross with her!

I don't know if she realises how she comes across. The funny thing is, she has told other people how they are perceived by others in the office (which has made things very uncomfortable). She just doesn't have social skills and can be very clingy.

I have actually tried to put distance between us - easily done as I'm often out of the office traveling - but she often calls or texts (I don't answer or respond) - but always end up feeling a bit sorry for her. I don't like to think of people being excluded, and I think she does realise that she doesn't fit in, but perhaps isn't aware of why that is ... I think if someone sat her down and told her how she comes across, she'd fall apart.

All advice welcome and appreciated

I know somebody like this and tbh there's not much you can do apart from setting yourself some boundaries. This is the reason why she doesn't have many friends and aren't included. I would say to have a friendly word with her but from experience I know these people don't see it and won't change, she'll only be a victim.
Don't stop being nice but also don't feel guilty for not inviting her to everything.

 

[cowtastrophe]

I’m in a bit of a predicament and outnumbered on my decision.

My sisters and I have just last night settled our mum’s estate. We’ve had everything back and everything has paid out. We’re paying off my dad’s mortgage as it had a small balance and my mum still owned the house with him despite not being married to him anymore, as she viewed it as an investment for my sisters and I. For context, my sisters and I don’t have the same dad but my dad has raised them like his own since 5 & 8 and they call him dad etc.

When my mum died, she had a partner of 7 years whom she lived with. He wasn’t “left” anything in the estate as she died without a will but I’ve said we should do him a small monetary gift (I thought enough to cover him a holiday to Barcelona, him and my mum’s special place) and I’ve been totally shot down by my sisters. They don’t think he was significant enough in our mum’s life to warrant a gift but I think he was as they literally lived and did everything together. Granted, my sisters were never as close or as present as I was with my mum’s partner as they chose to do things wirh just our mum but I think they’re being totally unreasonable. Am I a dick if I just send my mum’s partner some money anyway from my portion of the estate? Or should I try reasoning with them one last time?

That's a really kind and generous thing to do. Maybe you might appeal to your sisters one last time? Seven years is a significant relationship in most people's books and saying that you'd just like to give him enough money for a holiday to remember your mum by might help change their minds?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

White vinegar is good for this! I have used it on smelly teenage boys pits on school shirts!
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I guess this is a random problem, so wondering if anyone can help...
I'm going on my first long haul flight on Tuesday and starting to get really nervous! Do things like Kalms work? Or if anyone has any other recommendations, I'd be v grateful! Thank you

I get diazepam from the GP but last time I forgot it and the chemist at Boots gave me Boots Travel Calm tablets. They knocked me for six, it was great.
If it’s an overnight flight try to get something that will make you sleepy.
I take babywipes, lip balm and a small moisturiser. Comfy clothing that’s warm. Night flights get cold. I wear trainers so they’re easy to take on and off.
Pick a special meal as you get served first and it’s normally nicer food.
I always take bottle of water on the flight as well and tissues

 

[Pesky Tarian]

Google throws up a few answers on Money Saving Expert and Reddit, I don't know if they have any answers. I do remember this being a thing when I bought insurance for the first time many years ago, but don't know if it still is. What about a multi car policy?

Thanks for the replies. Annoyingly we've not long since renewed on car number one and the company doesn't do multi car. For anyone in a similar boat I found out that Hastings take in to account named driver experience. I also found out that Sheila's Wheels are still a thing (!) and that was a reasonable quote.

 

[HelloStereo]

I want to word this sensitively but could he be projecting because he wants to end the friendship type relationship you two have? Is he seeing someone?

I really wouldn’t take it to heart, any ‘friend’ who thinks the conversation isn’t worth their time isn’t worth yours.

I just wanted to come back to say you were spot on with this. I heard through a mutual friend that not only is he seeing someone but she's also pregnant . No wonder he decided that we "didn't add anything to each other's lives anymore" so abruptly.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

Not to be rude, whilst probably being rude, but others might be correct in that you are “dramatic”
I’d like to point out there is nothing wrong with being “emotional and dramatic” but to mitigate this you should be self aware.
What you find important in life is not important to others and vice-versa.

What does Mr Frog think? Maybe you could run your feelings by him before getting upset. He might have a better perspective if you are led by emotion rather than fact

 

[cowtastrophe]

Id like some advice regarding cleaners if anyone can help I've never had one before but I'm considering hiring one on an adhoc basis as sometimes when I have a lot of work on i let housework slide a lot.

But I just wondered how it works. Do they have a key to your property and just let themselves in? Do they use their own stuff? Do they tidy as well?

We have one who comes every other week. She has a key and uses her own stuff. We make sure things are tidy before she arrives, I
i.e clothes put away, surfaces cleared etc. She changes the sheets too so we strip the bed beforehand. We have a standard 3 bed house, two dogs who don’t moult, no children and she’s there for three hours, hoovers, puts stuff in dishwasher away, bed, washes floors, cleans bathroom, kitchen, dusts.

I think you will struggle to get someone on an ad hoc basis. Cleaners are like gold dust around here and from what I’ve seen, they want a regular slot.

 

[Snippysnips]

Random question. When we read signs on public transport stating front seats are for the elderly, what age would you expect that to be?

I go with retirement age so above 60, it's not always obvious to see though, so I'll typically sit up the back or middle, but if I see someone come on an they are obviously struggling an front seats are gone then I'll give my seat in the middle up

It's hard cause while some you can tell who needs a seat, others you really can't, so while I can manage I'll stick to the back

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

My partner (man) is friends with a couple (m&f), tonight he's going out with the woman of the couple to meet a couple of other people we know in passing. The man of the couple is doing something else and I'm at home with the kids.
They'll share a taxi to and from the pub.
I don't know why but it feels a bit weird. I think because we don't go out alot ourselves due to lack of childcare and we're also not in a great place generally at the moment.

Is that just me or would it make anyone else feel odd?? I told him it felt uncomfortable he said it was me.

Personally I wouldn’t be bothered and I also wouldn’t let yourself go down that path with your thinking.
Unless he’s done something previously try to let it go. If people feel they aren’t being trusted the relationship will start sinking.

 

[littlepup]

Hi all, hope it’s ok to post.. I thought I’d caught myself on a rose thorn while gardening last night but it’s still sore and a bit itchy, I’m wondering if it’s a tick. What do you guys think?View attachment 3583328

If it’s a thorn or even a bit of tick, get some magnesium sulphate paste from the chemist. Paste some on with a cotton bud and cover with a plaster. It’ll draw out whatever is in there.

 

[Mamacita]

I seem to have reached that point in life where a lot of friends are going on to their second marriages. We have wedding number 5 this year in October and I've needed a new outfit for each as they're largely the same group of people! (I have done very well with charity shop finds ). In short I have a dark green dress and have found out today that the couples accent colour is dark green, can I still wear it? I don't want to look like a wanna be bridesmaid!.

Also would v grateful if anyone could recommend some closed toe high heels (black). X

Guess depends how bridsmaidy your dress looks and if its the same shade of dark green?
Ive been to so many weddings with the same group of people i started recycling outfits, ain't nobody got money for that new outfit each time

Hope they will all be happily together as im refusing to be going to round 2 weddings

 

[yogiessexdubs]

Any advice for anyone spending Christmas alone, don’t have any family or friends so entirely on my own this year.

I’m spending it alone & it’s the 2nd year in a row. I didn’t expect to be in this position, howeverrrr I’m a little excited, going to get some nice food & just chill out!

 

[Codiaeum]

Yes I explained with my job I had at the time I was doing 20 hours in a supervisor role, but I wanted more minimum 24, but my contract is for a minimum 16 hours, I’m absolutely gutted & feel so stupid, my ex boss asks me occasionally how I’m doing & I have to lie saying I’m working long hours & really enjoying it, the truth is I hate it, everyone else is so much younger than me, faster than me & I’m just given the bare minimum & crap hours. I have zero qualifications, I was in a very controlling marriage where my ex didn’t want me to work & just bring our children up then he cheated & I basically had to start from scratch.

Keep looking and also please tell your ex-boss the truth, maybe they'd like you to come back? When I was laid off beginning of the year, everyone from my past working life was so kind to me and offered to help, keeping an ear out for open positions, giving a recommendation, etc. And even if they can't take you back just now, maybe they know something and have an open ear.

 

[gabbysolis]

I don’t know if this is the right thread but I’m not sure how to set up my own.



I’m in my early 30s, been in a relationship for approx 6 years and live together, no kids. We've both been previous quite big drinkers - would love to go out to the pub and for meals etc - would do this every weekend. Been in this habit of spending weekends this way since my early 20s. Ive started to react differently to alcohol - hangovers terrible and no longer get the enjoyment out of spending my weekends drinking. Manage to go a few weekends of everything in moderation then I'll slip up and fall back into old habits. Drink a higher amount, hungover the next day which is wasted eating crap and lying on the couch. It now causes a lot of anxiety and it takes me days to get in a positive and productive mindset again. I feel sick of falling back into this weekend habit but it's so engrained it's hard to change and not get carried away.



Im just wondering if any other 30 something is feeling this way, stuck in a rut but feeling the cycle is hard to break? Has alcohol started to have a different effect on mental wellbeing? Is it time for us to grow up and start a family? has starting a family helped to break unhealthy cycles?

The cycle is yours to break - it’s not the job of a baby/child to distract or busy you (it won’t work). If you both really genuinely want kids, focus on your health (physical, emotional, mental). Work on yourself for yourself so that you’re capable of life and feel strong in your ability to be a good parent.

Some people can drink in moderation. I can’t. I can’t just have ‘two or three’, I still feel a heavy impact. I used to drink and go out all the time, but had to stop when I was 25 to focus on myself. 27 now and still feel pangs of sadness missing my past life but those pangs are nothing compared to the torture and fog of being hungover.