The advice thread for random problems #6

[ivenotimetotiktok]

It’s meant to be so they can put in support but tbh I highly doubt it. I lost a baby last year and was given two days off as a “good will gesture “ not the best company to work for but thank you for the replies.
I’m not in a rush for it they know I’ve said yes they can have permission to see what they need too. The rest is out of my hands

 

[cowtastrophe]

I’ve received an email from the estate agent that I rent my room off telling me they are going to do monthly inspections of not only the communal area but our rooms as well, this seems a bit excessive & personally I don’t want them ‘inspecting’ my room every month, it’s my safe space, I keep it as tidy as I can given the small space I have, I think every 3-6mths is fine but I find it a bit annoying.

MONTHLY inspections of communal areas and rooms? That’s insane and a huge invasion of privacy. What does your contract say? If it’s not in there, I’d be telling them to do one.

 

[Shoequeen91]

I had been told by a colleague and my main manager (above line manager) that they'd had good feedback about me from people I work with. But then I had a meeting last week with my line manager who I don't work in the same office as so we have catch up meetings probably about every 6 weeks. The meeting last week he said that he had to go through some things with me as they'd had some feedback and it wasn't good. Whatever I'll work on the feedback it's probably a helpful thing to know but it's just been on my mind as the meetings he never says anything good. And I'm just confused as I was told by the two people they had good feedback yet get told only bad things. I should just forget it but it makes me anxious waiting for the next meeting or even email from my line manager

If this were me I would counter his remarks of negative feedback and explain that the person about him has said the opposite. Sometimes these people just try and assert authority when they don’t really have any and are just full of their own self-importance.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I don’t know how to write this as I feel regardless of how I write it I’m going to look like a serious idiot. People have actual problems and then there’s me with this.

I feel like I’m in a really weird place at the minute in my life. My career is actually the best it’s ever been - earning the most amount of money I’ve ever earned, enjoying my job and not feeling massively stressed by it. However, outside of work I just feel like I’ve got nothing to show for it and I’m just letting life pass me by. I’m earning all this money, able to save healthily and have decent monthly budget (not bragging, someone will always have more than me and I’m just trying to paint a picture). I have got this desire to go and travel to loads of places using my weekends and annual leave but no one to do it with. I don’t feel comfortable enough to go to different countries on my own (but I think I’m gonna have to get to this point). My best friend isn’t on a much money as me and I feel like this disparity is really showing itself. It doesn’t bother me, it’s not really a thing and I would absolutely cover her (as I have in the past) but it’s kinda stopping us (me?) doing stuff because it’s shut down before we have a chat about “let’s plan this and pay it off accordingly so we’ve got plans and no one is feeling the expense abruptly”.

I just want my friend to be able (want?) to do exciting stuff with me instead of me suggesting things and her being like “I’ve only just got my savings looking healthy again.” I can offer to sub her money, or she can pay whatever I cover for her whenever but she doesn’t like stuff like that as she’s voiced feeling like she doesn’t want to “owe me”. It’s not like that for me and I have explained this. So to respect this and I suppose meet in the middle, it’s about having a chat about paying stuff off with ample time, yet we don’t even get to that point.

I feel at such a loss, like I don’t really have a friend. It’s making me feel insecure in suggesting things cause I feel like I’m just going to get a knock back or feel like maybe she just doesn’t wanna do that stuff with me anymore and this the perfect excuse and there is an avoidance to say the real reason It’s first world problems.

This is a massive brain dump but I just needed to put it somewhere (and that somewhere probably should’ve been my chat with her rather than here but I think I want to try and be clearer with my thoughts before doing that).

What would you do? Should I raise it? Should I join one of those groups for women who want more friends? Should I just go away by myself but on one of those group trips?

Sorry for war and peace

There is a lot of pride around money. My bestie doesn't have much money and I have always been happy to cover her but I know she doesn't want me to. I will get the odd coffee or dinner, but I would not offer anything more as I know that's her boundary.

You need to accept that you're friend doesn't want you to pick up the bill, don't put pressure on her either. Everyone's priorities for where they spend their money is different. This doesn't make her any less of a friend, just not the friend to do things like this with at this moment. I have a good job with considerable savings, but there are things I have said no to 'due to funds' as for me that is not where I want to spend my money (i.e £1,500 on a weekend trip to Vegas) as I'd rather spend it on my home or with my husband etc.

Either do them alone, or find some more friends or a group. I found my bestie though one of those women finding more friends in my local area. Best thing I ever did.

 

[bozlem3080]

Please don't feel like a failure. Life is hard and people don't talk enough about the fact that not everybody does what is considered "well" in life. Try and change your mindset. Are you healthy, do you have a roof over your head and food in your house. If so you are winning! There are a lot more people in your exact shoes than you think, some of them might even look well off but are probably one bill away from losing it all.

Is there some sort of extra work you can do for an income? Maybe dog walking, cat sitting, a bit of light gardening etc If you are a crafter try and sell your work. I recently met a lady who does pet sitting in people's homes for an extra income. SHe uses a reputable app/website for her services and makes fairly good money. Plus in the host family home she's saving on utilities, although that might not be relevant to you

Thank you, I just feel so lost at the moment, I know I should be grateful for a roof over my head & food etc….but I just feel I will be stuck in a shared house forever now, never having a place to call my own I can’t even have people round as there is no communal area, just my bedroom, I’ve applied for some jobs today even if they are 8hrs a week it would bump my pay up a bit, my debts I won’t pay off for another 10-15yrs so they are hanging over me as well, it’s taken me 3mths to afford a pair of work shoes as the others had holes in them it’s just essential things like that I can’t even afford, I’ve cancelled my gym membership I can’t afford it anymore, I’m absolutely miserable, I’m not saying I want to be a millionaire but at my age & willing to work any hours surely that counts for something?!

 

[littlepup]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

I’ll wish people happy anniversary on Facebook if they post something about it but I’d never remember otherwise nor do I have the mental capacity to remember to buy and mail a card, that’s if I even knew the address or had the inclination to spend a fiver on doing so. I wouldn’t expect anyone to remember mine either, if we even celebrated it at all.

We’re made to ‘celebrate’ the in-laws and grandparents’s anniversary every year. That’s on top of Mother’s and Father’s Day, birthdays and Xmas and frankly, it’s all a bit much.

I think it’s wonderful that you’re so thoughtful, it sounds like it comes naturally to you but for others they’re just not that way, it’s nothing personal. I would be able to tell you for 100% how old I am without working it out!

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

I can’t sleep, for the last week I’ve had terrible toothache like throbbing I feel my teeth are actually just going to fall out when I’m asleep, so now I won’t sleep, stupid I know but I’ve taken 8 paracetamol tonight to try & dull the pain, plus mouthwash, saltwater, brushed them now my gums are bleeding & I just want to cry so much, the left side of my face is burning too & feel my tongue isn’t fitting in my mouth properly, I can’t afford to go to the dentist (I’m on a low income but don’t qualify for anything) plus I’m scared they will want to take all my teeth out, I don’t know what to do?

Please phone emergency dentist before you OD on paracetamol. Can you stagger with ibuprofen? Nothing you can do apart from face up to it and try and get help. I absolutely hate the dentist. Always take something with me to hold in my hands while they're doing their thing. Deep breaths, tell them you're nervous and scared: they will help! Maybe it's antibiotics etc you need as well but you won't know without being seen. Also if pain really bad go to pharmacy and ask for co-codamol . Something a bit stronger so you need less.

 

[petitspois]

It shouldn’t be called leather at all. It’s a thin plastic coating which isn’t durable at all but they market it as an alternative so you assume it has some longevity.

 

[Darvos]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

As someone who has never sent an anniversary card to anyone apart from my spouse, I want to say that not being sent a card doesn’t mean people do not like you and wish you well. I’ll give a good wedding gift and do my best to help with the good vibes and anything else on the day, but it honestly doesn’t occur to me to put the date on my future years’ calendar or send a card. Mind you, I eloped, cannot remember the name of the town where we married without looking it up, and, a couple of years ago, forgot it was our 25th, so am pants with remembering stuff in general.

(If I know you and am one of the people who didn’t acknowledge your day, I’m really sorry. Bet I really like you but I won’t remember next year either.)

 

[chickhicks86]

I've got the dilemma of whether I should fix my car , or let it go .I've recently had work done on it , but I think the clutch needs replacing ,which can be expensive.
If I buy a different car , I can only stretch to something about 10/12 years old anyway, so I'm wary of buying someone else's problem.

I think better the devil you know, unless the cost of the clutch is more than the value of your car.

 

[pinkmug]

Mr Lolz and I are going through a stressful time at home, not of our own making. Anyway this is just to give a bit of context.
Tonight he blew his lid with me and tbh I’m shocked he hasn’t done it earlier.
He pointed out that for the last couple of weeks I’ve done nothing but pick fault with everything he does. And I mean even small things like brush his teet to loudly

I know I’m not the easiest person in the world but once he pointed it out tonight I felt sick at how I’ve been treating him. Some of this is in my nature to do but I’ve never been this bad.

I like to think I do some introspection and work on myself in general. But I’m not sure how to try and change this behaviour.
Any helpful tips?

I don't know the full context obviously but I am prone to similar behaviour when I'm tense, so I'll try to give my two cents. I might ramble so it's under spoiler.

Spoiler

Nitpicking and overly criticising others can be a way to try and regain control, especially when other things are spiraling. Anxiety and general restlessness is a terrible trigger of mine for acting like this, because I know I can't do much about the actual thing that's causing me stress, so I become a horror for everything else (cleaning, others' harmless habits, signs of weakness in people, noise, bad manners, etc.) Small offenders on their own, or just non-issues, but they become a nightmare to me if I'm anxious or overstimulated.

My advice is choosing a calm, preferably solitary moment to reflect on what's bothering you about him, actual problems that he can fix but doesn't, or just personal quirks that you didn't mind much before? If things aren't that big a deal when you're not in close proximity, you might try and find a way to unsee/unhear it until this phase is over.

For stuff like noise, visual annoyance etc. from others, I just find it easier to remove myself from the situation. Watching something engaging, earplugs, earphones, changing rooms, listening to something that you like, gaming... The point is directing your attention away from the point of irritation so it fades into the background. When your mind stops fixating on it, your tension will diminish too.

If there are some things that you genuinely think he needs to work at, choosing a less rocky time to discuss them is probably better. He must feel on edge now, αs are you. The important thing is you are aware of this and trying to find a solution. I don't know if this was helpful but good luck!

 

[Shoequeen91]

I agree with this approach. Ask the question with an open face (so not glaring or giving him daggers) then just wait and say nothing. If he does end up repeating the insult just say ‘that’s pretty rude’.

I agree with this. I’d stare him out a little bit too while being silent waiting for his response. Let the little prick feel really uncomfortable.

 

[littlepup]

I'm worth more

You answered your own question.
If you want to go, tell him. If you want it to be more, also tell him. Otherwise tell him that no, he has no one to go with. And the reason is that he’s happily using you to satiate his physical needs but is actually a lonely guy whereas you have your family and you’re not prepared to be there for him any more.

 

[tomato_paste]

I've recently taken a new viewpoint on relationships mainly in speaking up when someone says or does something that bothers me in any way. (Previously I was very much a person who would just ignore but then be sat getting upset/annoyed which hasn't been good for me)

Problem is I've done this now with 4 different people in my life, they've all taken the hump with me. I think I've said my point clearly and respectfully which I don't feel has then been listened to or understood but then I am also now sat wondering if I'm just causing upset by being open and honest.

I've spoken to my husband about it and he says my new way of thinking is healthier for me and I have been respectful and basically not a dick in any conversations however, he's my husband he's gonna say that

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice really. I feel like I'm at a loss either way but also fed up of people thinking they can walk all over me/do and say whatever they like with no response

> wondering if I'm just causing upset by being open and honest.

Stop gaslighting yourself. It's your right, and IMHO, it's also a duty you have to yourself to stand up for your own well being.

I've been where you are and it's difficult, especially with existing relationships. Sometimes people really rely on you being a doormat and get pissed off if you change that. Those people are not your friends. I have found that real friends don't get pissed off with you if you talk about what's bothering you. They might disagree, you might have a small fight, but at the end of they day they'll try to understand you, as you do for them, because they respect you and like you and want what's best for you.

Unfortunately, you might lose some relationships. But do you really want those relationships if they mean being treated badly?

Also, listen to your husband if you can't trust your own perspective on things, he seems nice and supportive, and it sounds like he wants the best for you.

Eventually, you'll get a sense of security within yourself, and trust that it is your right to stand up for yourself.

 

[miss n thropy]

Is just like to thank everyone for their advice!

Having read all the responses you were kind enough to take the time to write I’ve got some good ideas now on how to respond and can mix and match a lot of them and hopefully maintain my relationship with my long term friend as it means a lot to me.

Thank you again xxx

 

[jojida]

I’m in a bit of a predicament and outnumbered on my decision.

My sisters and I have just last night settled our mum’s estate. We’ve had everything back and everything has paid out. We’re paying off my dad’s mortgage as it had a small balance and my mum still owned the house with him despite not being married to him anymore, as she viewed it as an investment for my sisters and I. For context, my sisters and I don’t have the same dad but my dad has raised them like his own since 5 & 8 and they call him dad etc.

When my mum died, she had a partner of 7 years whom she lived with. He wasn’t “left” anything in the estate as she died without a will but I’ve said we should do him a small monetary gift (I thought enough to cover him a holiday to Barcelona, him and my mum’s special place) and I’ve been totally shot down by my sisters. They don’t think he was significant enough in our mum’s life to warrant a gift but I think he was as they literally lived and did everything together. Granted, my sisters were never as close or as present as I was with my mum’s partner as they chose to do things wirh just our mum but I think they’re being totally unreasonable. Am I a dick if I just send my mum’s partner some money anyway from my portion of the estate? Or should I try reasoning with them one last time?

 

[TokenBlinkie]

Spoiler: Might be TMI

My husband is at the doctors tomorrow because he has discovered a lump on his testicle.

I know there is more chance of it being something easily fixed and not life-threatening, but I'm still scared and can't help but worry.

I'm sorry if I haven't spoilered properly, I've never done it before.

 

[Happy Alpaca]

I wouldn’t be flattered, I’d be pissed off that someone came into my home and made me feel uncomfortable. I don’t think you’re overreacting either.

Thankyou for reading and replying, am learning to trust my gut after many years of being gaslit. So am still trying to navigate what's normal....etc

 

[bozlem3080]

I took on a zero hours contract a few years ago because I was promised a certain amount of hours which never materialised. The reason was different - the person doing the rota at the time didn’t like me so deliberately didn’t give me shifts but the end result was the same. I ended up getting a part time job elsewhere but I realise it’s not that easy to do. Are there any other zero hours jobs you could fit in around it?

I don’t think anyone likes me at my new job, they are all young (half my age) seem more competent but perhaps that’s just my confidence the group chat is very cliquey & they like to pick fault with the smallest of things then I start overthinking & get upset even if I haven’t done it, I’ve had minimal training tbh & I’m just expected to know everything, I’m too scared to ask for help but that’s a lot to do with my past & I need to try & overcome that, I’ve applied for other jobs even if I can just pick up 8-10 hrs a week extra it’s something, I’m just so tired of falling on my arse all the time would just like a bit of luck to come my way.

 

[petitspois]

Hello all.

someone on the celebrity gossip thread sent me here and I would appreciate some advice on a very specific issue, although I have already got one very good suggestion from there.

My dearest friend of over 40 years, we are now both over 60, has, as is fairly typical with aging, put on a lot of weight and is now medically classed as obese. It is also causing her health issues. I know her husband mentions losing weight to her because he is genuinely scared for her health, she had a heart scare only last year.

She has been very good to me over our many years of friendship and I want to be kind and supportive, but every time I see her, her first and most common topic is her weight. ”I’m so fat” “Nothing fits” “I’ve put 5 pounds on this week”. It’s been at least thred years now that this has been the main thing she talks about. When we go out, she will constantly point out women she thinks are fatter than her, and sometimes make disparaging remarks, which just makes me uncomfortable. (I know this is projection and she does it because she feels bad about herself.)

I am going to sound awful, but to be honest, I’m tired of this topic.
My main need for advice though is what do I actually say? Does she want me to sympathise or give her a pep talk or just listen?
I have some extra weight but it just doesn’t bother me that much. That said, everyone is different and I know it bothers her not just in terms of health but mainly how she looks. She is actually pretty active as she has a Dalmatian that she walks for miles every day. Any advice would be much appreciated on what to say to be a good friend, but also, maybe I don’t want to talk about this every time we see or speak to each other, which is pretty much every day.

I think I'd probably say something like 'I can see weight is really bothering you so what do you want to do?' then try to have a non judgmental chat about taking charge of our lives. If she's on a downer then losing a stone is a realistic goal but she has to want to help herself.
If she does say she wants to lose weight then it's calorie control in some form. She could go to her GP to see if she has other symptoms that could be linked to perimenopause or mental health maybe too.

I had a neighbour like that and had to partly avoid them to reduce it but I changed tack and stopped nodding and sympathising and one day just said 'at least you're still here, plenty aren't at your age' then gave her a big smile and walked off.