The advice thread for random problems #6

[bozlem3080]

Need some advice please. I found a large lump in my breast this week, saw my gp the next day who is referring me to the breast clinic. Yesterday I’ve had a text from the gp booking me in for a blood test on Monday.

Has anyone been through this, Is it normal to take bloods and what happens at the breast clinic? Will it just be a mammogram anc you have to wait weeks for results. Any advice gratefully received x

I found a breast lump in Aug 2023, I have a family history (both grandmothers) was seen really quickly, didn’t have a blood test, mammogram wasn’t as bad as I thought, I also had a scan as well, had my results the same day, luckily was just a fatty lump, I’ve lost a fair bit of weight in the past few years so it was more prominent, said if I was still overweight I most probably wouldn’t of felt it.

I hope it all goes ok for you x

 

[HeyBabes]

I guess it would depend on age, I'd say if young 20s then that's about long enough, 30s I'd have been gone before 7 years if they were certain they weren't going commit

I know you say he brushes it off but if you are certain it's what you want then I'd be telling him at this stage he needs to stop brushing it off an give an answer, either it's a yes or no, there's no "maybe" or "we'll see", there doesn't need to be a wedding asap but he needs to at least be honest if he's going to commit, the older you get the more people are already settled down an harder it may be to find someone else

Both in our late 30s, I don’t want a wedding right now, but a commitment would be nice. I’d already wasted 10 years of my life with an ex who said he’d marry me then fucked off with a 20 year old. Just getting a bit fed up of it all now, seeing folk who’ve got in relationships after us who are now married or getting married

 

[Snippysnips]

Probably yes. There have been periods through our friendship where he's got a girlfriend and he'd not tell me. I'd ask him and he'd say no, even when I can see pictures of them together on social media. Instead he'd invent a roundabout reason to not talk any more, like what he's doing now.

Every time it happened I started to care less and less, and this time I just deleted him off every social media app I had anyway and don't feel sad like I used to.

It sounds like he's only interested in having you as a friend when it suits him like when he's not got a gf an then when he has a gf he's not interested in you, I'd just move on, it's pointless keeping people who are users

 

[Former_Antelopee]

After some advice please if possible, I have a family meal booked tomorrow evening there’s 7 of us in total, the meal is for my teen kids birthday, I’ve already paid a deposit (£70) does this suggest that as I arranged it I should also pay the final bill? My parents have already said they aren’t expecting me too and have assumed that they would pay for there own meals, but I’m unsure about my brother, his wife & my niece, for perspective I am a single mom on a one income wage, whilst my pay isn’t horrendous i am unfortunately not in the financial position that my family members are in (flash cars, big houses, mortgage free etc) I wish I was in the position to pay it all , but my question is does it look bad if I don’t pay the full bill, Totally Expecting it not to be cheap, I also don’t drink alcohol and the rest of them do, what would others do in this situation?

What have you done previously? I would expect to pay for my own and we have always done that in my family. If we do pay for the others going we would tell them when we invited

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Asked on the cat thread, but really do need as much advice as possible!

Regarding annoying neighbours. I have a retired and far-too-much-time-on-her-hand neighbour who is complaining my cat is littering in her garden. He's just the one 17 year old cat. We live with many gardens facing inwards and many other cats. She's saying that he is tearing up the entirety of her large garden, with multiple poos a day, and that his pee is destroying all of her plants.

From my perspective, he spends most of his time inside, being an old boy, and whilst using his litterbox (I had to keep him inside with building works for a couple of weeks), was doing one relatively small poo and wee a day.

To me it seems like she's just an over exaggerating old nag with nothing better to do - but it may indeed be he is going in her garden (I have quite a wild and bushy one so I don't 'clean up' after him). Do you have any tips or tricks for stopping this? There's no realistic way to keep him contained in mine due to the layout of our gardens. I've given her bird nets to place over fresh plants, curry powder, etc.

I'm currently going through a cancer journey and so honestly, I find conflict difficult right now as I'm just so emotional all the time and in such a general state of worry - so anything I can do to appease her is for the better.

Has she asked you to do anything about it?
Often times older people with nothing to do just wants to be social and it can take the form of moaning about things.
Maybe engage with her a little also ask her to take some photo evidence when she catches your cat in the act.

 

[Brian Butterfield]

The original has moved to the Netherlands so way too far .

New lady has been doing it for a few years, I suspect she’s not done the gel thick enough. I’ve never had this before so I know it’s not the gel product. Sadly (in the south) a plain biab colour set is £35-50. Add on nail art for an extra £5-15.

The reason gel nails lift is always due to poor prep. I definitely wouldn't go back to her.

 

[L1fe0nM@rs]

More an opinion I’m asking for rather than advice..

Been off work all week but back in today as my annual leave allowance doesn’t stretch too far a senior member of staff saw me at my desk and remarked that he had just sent me an email (it was before my official log in time, hadn’t turned my out of office off) and I explained I’d been off but was in today, and back on leave next week. “You might as well keep the out of office on then. No point turning it off”

I took no offence but apparently another colleague pulled him up on this and said there’s no need to talk to me like that. They described it as not being very nice to me.

Am I thick and not realising someone’s being an arse to me, or is the other person being too sensitive? How would you have taken this?

Depends how it was said and what the person is usually like! I think you’re right to treat it as a jokey comment though

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Would you really leave him if he didn’t want to get married? And if so is that because you don’t have the same aspirations for the future or is it just the marriage thing where you don’t agree?

It seems like there’s maybe more to this because marriage is no guarantee. I know plenty of unmarried couples who’ve stayed together longer than others who’ve been married.
If it stems from your previous partner leaving you would you let the hurt he can caused you destroy this relationship? Do you trust this partner not to do the same and would a marriage certificate change that? It might be that you’re letting your past determine your future negatively and rather than pushing your partner to marry (is it even real if you’ve basically demanded it?) coming to peace with what’s happened in the past might be the next step.

Either way I think you need to really think about why marriage is so important to you and have a proper conversation with your OH about why he’s reluctant.

Well said. My relationship has outlasted many marriages and we’re happy as we are.

 

[L1fe0nM@rs]

Do you think taking marriage out of it might lead to a better conversation? See if what you both want in the next five or ten years aligns. Is it moving house, having kids, living in another country. If there’s no synergy between you on those things the relationship is unlikely to last whether you are married or not. On the other hand if you’re going into a big adventure together you can then talk about whether he sees marriage as part of that and you can let him know if there are any dealbreakers for you. I’m glad I got married before we had kids for instance as I took a massive drop in income and would have pissed me right off if he’d walked away with his pension after using me for free childcare for years (though that might have changed now for unmarried parents, it was def the case when mine were small),

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hi everyone. Need some advice. It's a bit of a long one so my apologies in advance and please bare with me.

My brother (34) lives with my mom and my aunt in my mom's house. My brother has a job but does not pay rent, contribute to food/expenses, does not clean or even do his own dishes/laundry, and he does not drive.

**PLEASE NOTE: They live in a very rural area, they live 40 minutes from his job at mcdonalds. There is absolutely zero public transit available. My mom is an independent housekeeper. My aunt is essentially retired but not in the best shape these days.**

He lost his drivers license in 2021 due to a DUI - he was not actively consuming pot but he had it in his system and paraphernalia in the car. This was not alcohol related - resulting in rolling over his car going around a turn too fast. He paid the fines and completed everything associated with the DUI but has not bothered to try and get his license back - despite working a 5 minute walk from the DMV or getting another car of his own.

He has zero disregard for my mom and aunt who ensure that he gets to work at all hours because they do not want him around the house inevitably jobless if they don't take him. He does not pay for gas. Ever. He has several sexual partners all hours of the day and night coming and going from the house without warning.

He is very narcissistic, lazy, and has the ability to be violent. He consumes an exorbitant amount of pot - I'm a huge stoner myself but he tries to be absolutely stoned 24/7, smokes to and from work, AT WORK and all through the night. When he is home, he's most likely sleeping or playing Xbox all hours of the night while not working, with unsavory groups of people whom based off conversations that can be heard, act just like him.

If either of them ask for repayment or assistance around the house - he throws a fit.

He's not the type to go to therapy, he was never truthful in therapy as a kid so it was very unhelpful for him in the past. At this point, he downright refuses to consider it.

I will quite literally put him through a wall during a visit home if he ever loses his temper at my aunt or mom. My dad was abusive and I will never allow that again. He has turned into him in different ways.

So, I guess my question is, should I try talking to him? Like a dead serious what the fuck conversation? Any tips on how this should go? How should she go about kicking him out, can that even be done and legally keep him out?

Its just gotten so especially bad in the last 6 months.

I agree with the other poster. Unless you live close by and can get involved if things go south don’t get too involved.
Talk to all of them but ultimately they are all adults and as the “messenger” you might get the brunt of it if things go wrong

 

[Snippysnips]

Am I crazy to consider buying a little cottage in the woods and moving there?

It's basically got no modern amenities (well water, solar panel only electricity, wood stove for cooking and heating) but I just... yearn for the quiet and silent and I think either I tear apart how I currently live or it will tear me apart.

Not really crazy but I think it would take some determination to make it work, have you considered maybe doing a week at a little lodge that only offers this, I don't know where they all are but am sure there's some that offer a chance to switch off an they don't offer like WiFi, electricity etc, it could be a good way to test how you'd do an if you could do it full time

 

[aouc23]

I don’t know if this is the right thread but I’m not sure how to set up my own.



I’m in my early 30s, been in a relationship for approx 6 years and live together, no kids. We've both been previous quite big drinkers - would love to go out to the pub and for meals etc - would do this every weekend. Been in this habit of spending weekends this way since my early 20s. Ive started to react differently to alcohol - hangovers terrible and no longer get the enjoyment out of spending my weekends drinking. Manage to go a few weekends of everything in moderation then I'll slip up and fall back into old habits. Drink a higher amount, hungover the next day which is wasted eating crap and lying on the couch. It now causes a lot of anxiety and it takes me days to get in a positive and productive mindset again. I feel sick of falling back into this weekend habit but it's so engrained it's hard to change and not get carried away.



Im just wondering if any other 30 something is feeling this way, stuck in a rut but feeling the cycle is hard to break? Has alcohol started to have a different effect on mental wellbeing? Is it time for us to grow up and start a family? has starting a family helped to break unhealthy cycles?

 

[JoeBloggs]

How much would you give for a wedding of an ex colleague? I don't see her often at all but went to the hen party

I got on average £50 from friends and family so I would say £25?

 

[littlepup]

It’s mainly clothes I have, bits of kitchenware, I have limited space as live in a shared house, the room is tiny, I did have about 12 boxes originally my friend suggested vacuum bags for the remainder of my stuff & be even more ruthless in throwing things out then try & shove it in a few boxes & stack in my wardrobe but I’m just so limited on space.

The company have got back to me & admitted they did send emails out about the price increase but then turned it back on me saying it most probably went into my spam inbox! This was after I threatened them with trading standards, I’ve been checking my spam inbox every few days since the end of Feb as started a new job & they sent over my right to work entitlement so the email was never sent in the first place from the storage company!

Have you got under bed storage?
I’d ask myself if the value of the stuff is worth the price you’re paying to store it and are you going to want or need it by the time you have more space?

 

[NowIsGood]

I rent a storage unit to put a few bits in that I can’t fit into my accommodation probably about 6-8 boxes, over the last few months the prices have been going up with no warning, last month I was paying £67.06 today I’ve looked on my online banking & it’s gone up to £74.88, I’ve rang them to be told they are well within their rights to put the payment up as & whenever they want & because it’s an ongoing direct debit they don’t need to tell me!

I’m trying to find alternative storage but with not being able to drive it’s a pain sorting it out, at this rate it’s going to cost more that my monthly rent if they keep putting it up I may as well move in there Just after some advice on what to do.

What are you storing? This might be a good time to review what you're holding on to and whether you need it. Is it worth the stress and the financial burden? £75/month feels a lot for 8 boxes, would you consider condensing it down to a few boxes that you could keep at home?

 

[T-time]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

Was it so significant that you would have a party and invite people? As long as I'm not invited for anything, I assume that people don't celebrate. I can handle birthdaywishes but congratulating people with their wedding aniversary kinda gives overextended bridezilla. It's not as important to others as it is to you.

If this affects you so much and the people around you keep telling you that you're dramatic, there is a chance that it's not everybody around you. I can imagine that you don't like feeling like this either. Do you know where this comes from? You're attentive and have a great memory but why do you hold it against people when they are not? Why does this affect you so much?

 

[charlied0106]

Not sure if that's right to be honest, no one should be getting access to your medical records, usually if you are off for more than I think 5 days? It requires a sick note from your doctor but not access to your medical records

Are you UK? I'd maybe contact citizens advice an ask about if that was allowed or if your boss has overstepped boundaries, I used to have to take time off due to my anxiety disorder an never did I give my work place my records, it was notes from my doctor I gave them

It sounds like they have perhaps bullied you into gaining access which tbh could really land them in some serious shit

There's a clause in my contract and handbook that my medical records could be asked for if sickness protocol is triggered. It's triggered after 3 single days of sickness, or 5 consecutive days of sickness. I've never heard of them actually requesting someone's but it does say they can.

 

[Snippysnips]

Does anyone know if there is a scam like this, where they contact you trying to start a conversation about where you worked, or pretending they thought you were somebody else? Or is it more likely to be an ex boyfriend or something messing with me?

Scams like these are incredible common unfortunately, these people can get information very easily even if you think you have hide it or never put it up, everything these days has social footprints an even if you never put anything up about where you worked, sometimes just by accessing records from the business can give out the details, our information is sold constantly an it doesn't even need to come from us

I've had scams call me an they have even been able to say my birth date, something I have never given out, they will phone pretending to be someone then rattle off a few details like my DOB, full name, even my town in the hopes I'll fall for it thinking they must be legit if they have these details

I'd block an leave it, unless you know the person 100% an can message them another way (email, phone, visit etc) just to confirm it's them then block, if anyone contacts me now I go straight to the person another way just to confirm, even with businesses I'll get their official number or email an contact them myself to check

 

[instasham13]

Feeling incredibly down as I am part of a group of 'friends' where one person in the group always tries to divide and conquer, create drama, turn us against someone else (i happen to like this person). Yet again another event was ruined by the whole thing. At this point it would be easier to completely distance myself but then I'm not exactly overflowing with other friends. I do have other friends but I don't see them as much as the other group. We are a group of 5.

It's gets me so down this time of year seeing everyone having meet ups, nights out with what looks like an amazing bunch of friends and I'm just not as our group is dysfunctional.

 

[HoGi]

I need to think of a gift for a 95 year old man and I’m absolutely stumped! He can’t read or write anymore, he doesn’t know how to use any tech, he’s not allowed any sweet treats and he’s in a nursing home so can’t give him a gift card as he doesn’t leave he doesn’t want filler stuff as he says it’s more clutter for others to clear when he dies (cheery I know!) I’m thinking maybe something to make his time there more comfortable/enjoyable, or maybe something to pass the time? Help!

When my dad was in a home, socks, dressing gown, slippers, nice smellies always went down a treat.

Also biscuits of chocolates they could keep in their room, or share if they are inclined.

Also any clothing (just write his name in it) as laundry isn't the best and things go missing.

Anything that could brighten his room, a framed print stuck up with command hooks, nice ornament etc.