The advice thread for random problems #4

[bozlem3080]

I can’t help with the question you’re asking but wanted to say well done you!
One piece of info I heard in the past that stuck with me that might be relevant… when someone sends 500 messages and finally gets a response telling them to leave you alone, all they see is that it takes 500 messages to get a response rather than the response itself which isn’t what they’re interested in. They’ll do it again and do it quicker to try to get the response again until you’re hounded.
Maybe he wanted to get a point across and is now done but If he continues to message you, it might be in your best interest not to respond further. It’s likely a way to continue to control and abuse you and you own him nothing.

I’ve not responded after telling him to leave me alone, the police have visited him, but when they came to see me there was no mention of paying for this order, my rent is over half my wage each month, then I have bills on top, it’s awful that people of domestic violence are having to pay to keep someone away from them.

 

[bozlem3080]

Last Thursday I started with stomach pain, took painkillers, didn’t ease it so took some indigestion tablets thought maybe had trapped wind, again didn’t go off, took more painkillers when got home but still in pain, rang 111 they said to go to a&e, felt like wasting time so tried to sleep, rang 111 again about 2.30am Friday morning still in pain just above my hip bone & below my ribs (right side) I then got a shooting pain in my chest, so an ambulance was sent to me about 6am, my stomach was so tender to touch, chest still ached, was taken to hospital I was seen & scanned found I have gallstones, given co-codamol & sent on my way, biggest stone was 1.8cm plus had 2 smaller ones then loads of little ones, I’m still in pain now with what feels like stitch, it hurts to walk, sneeze, cough, even breathing hurts plus my back just aches too, it’s such a sharp pain, rang 111 again for some advice & my GP is going to call me tomorrow sometime in the day, it’s not my appendix that was removed nearly 30yrs ago. Any advice would be great.

 

[Lollylaylow]

Any PC-savvy people here, please?

I got this PC and loved it, so quiet and fast, but only lasted 9months (being refunded so no worries there ) and don't know if I should buy the same and hope it doesn't go wrong again .. ( just randomly restarted here and there and also had to reboot at times to get speakers to work ) or another one.




is this a better one?




or do you have any other suggestions? I am good with computers but crap with the specs side of things. I am only really looking at the mini ones.

I'm sorted. went for the same one again. I like it and Amazon refunded without any bother so might as well go with something I already know

 

[Popcornshovel]

Hi all, just found this thread and wasn’t sure where else to post as some of the work related advice threads seem to be abit dead. I accepted a new job back at the end of November and I’m still going through pre-employment checks so haven’t been able to agree a start date etc. I haven’t told my current job yet but the issue I am having is that my probation period with my current job will end on the 31st Jan. If I quit whilst still in probation, I only have to work 1 weeks notice but if I quit outside of probation, I have to work 2 months notice. Obviously I don’t want to work 2 months notice if I can help it but I also don’t want to hand in my notice until I actually know that I’ve passed all the checks for the new job and ideally have a start date. I also feel like the longer it goes on, the more guilty I feel about not telling my current job that I’m leaving as they keep talking to me about future work for later in the year. I get on well enough with my current manager but I wouldn’t say we’re massively friendly with each other. I just don’t know whether to bite the bullet and tell them I’m leaving or whether to continue to wait it out but I feel like I’m on abit of a ticking time bomb with the end of my probation fast approaching. Any advice??

I'd go back to the new job and explain the situation re after end of Jan your notice period will be longer. I wouldn't say anything to the current job incase something happens at the new job. I don't meant that you might fail the checks, but what if they cut budgets and rescind the offer?

 

[stargirl23]

It's upsetting me how dismissive they're being tbh, they all love our dog so I don't know why they are just saying 'she'll be fine, she'll probably just sleep' When I know for a fact she will sleep for 2-3 hours but will then start pacing and getting distressed because we aren't there.
I feel guilty because they've paid for a ticket for me but I've given some money to my partner and told him to pay them when he sees them.

I wouldn’t feel bad, you’ve done all you can and your dog comes first. You’re being a responsible owner by staying back. Lots of people wouldn’t even offer to pay back with money for not attending so I’m sure they’d really appreciate you sending money to pay for you even though you won’t be attending

 

[chickhicks86]

No you won’t get child elements if you’re deemed as earning over the minimum wage and get 0 living allowance. As your partner works it’s classed as a joint claim unfortunately

Thanks, we've always teetered on the point of just about scraping by - earning too much to receive any support but not enough to really live on!

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Sorry but I’m really not sure where to put this, so hope someone can offer some wisdom.
My daughter is 5 (nearly 6). She’s a very sensitive, sometimes anxious, little girl. My husband’s parents both passed away before she remembers them, my FIL passed away when my husband was about 12 and his mum left us in 2020. For some reason them dying has created some worry in her and now she is very scared of dying, even way into the future and leaving her children. And she’s worried her best friend might die and she won’t get to see her anymore. I was just doing bedtime where she said “mummy I’m so excited for Easter!” And then about a minute later she said “mummy, I’m so scared of dying, I’m not really excited about Easter at all, all I can think about is going to heaven” we did her hand breathing to calm her down and I talked to her about thoughts about things we can’t control and thoughts about things we can control, and I said well keep telling her brain that it doesn’t have any control over it and it’s not going to happen for a long time anyway so let’s not worry about it now - and I said well say the same thing to your brain tomorrow too, and that seemed to help but she seems so much more sensitive and thoughtful than I ever was when I was little I don’t know how to help her really.

 

[littlepup]

He's a builder and thinks he could buy land and build a house for 150k

Kids plural so I'm assuming at least 3 beds.
I think £150k for land and build is possibly unrealistic.

Spoiler: Building costs

I'm building a house in the middle of a village.
The cost to disconnect the electric on the existing property is £2720 ex vat, just come out and remove the cable off the end of the property,
To reconnect we either have to wait until the new build is up and pay £3k or if we want a supply while we build it has to go underground at a cost of £21k all ex vat. It's approx 15 meters. They wont do a temp builders supply anymore. It's absolute madness.
I would also look at the buildings safety act, I don't know if it applies in NI, it only came in 2022. It's making it extremally hard for self builders.
Architect fees, planning fees, biodiverstity etc has been approx £15k just to get to the go ahead stage. Bat surveys were approx £2k! We still have to have building regs drawings at around £2.5k. We're nearing £1k in skip hire just clearing the land.
And we're not green, we've done this before, my partner is in the trades. The costs have just sky rocketed and the current legislations creating jobs for the boys are costing us thousands.

Have a watch of Ben Fogel's new lives, the UK version and the most recent George Clarke on CH4 where a fella renovated a property in his garden and spent nearly £80k on a modest 2 bed despite doing most of the work, having a partial existing structure and reusing loads of materials.

I think rural living is hardest on the kids and as much as you gain, you lose. It depends what sort of children they are, how sociable, adaptable, how much they enjoy being outdoors etc. Winters in a static caravan (if you're considering that) are so harsh, particularly if it freezes but summers are glorious. It's all a reward/sacrifice juggle but I think it depends on the age of the children if it can be made an adventure or if they just feel isolated.

 

[bozlem3080]

My GP has rang back, the hosp haven’t said I’ve got gallstones but just asked for an ultrasound scan, so basically given half a story to my GP, I’ve been prescribed naproxen & something to help settle my stomach so I’m hoping that will ease the pain, I don’t have a temperature & going to the toilet ok, so that makes me feel I’m wasting people’s time it’s just this pain that’s driving me mad, bloods came back fine too. Thank you for the replies x

 

[Thank(space)you]

Beating a boxing bag to pulp or lifting heavy weights helps me specifically, but all exercise helps because of the endorphins. I don't know if CBD supplements are legal where you live but they also help keeping calm. IMHO that's just dealing with the symptoms though, which to me sounds like you're stretched too thin while people keep demanding more and more and MORE and your have nobody to help you with your stuff.

Can you say no to some obligations / things? How involved are you in this family war? Do you even want to be involved? How does that articulate itself? Do family members vent at you about others or try to get you to take sides? If so, I'd honestly block them for a while (not forever unless maybe you realise that Aunt Meredith is a right old bitch and you don't need that energy in your life), or put their messages on mute and archive the chats.

I'm guessing there is nothing you can do about bringing peace to this war. If that's something you're feeling like you should be doing, I suggest you stop trying. What's the worst case scenario if this war escalates? Are there any consequences for you specifically if things come to a head? If not, wash your hands off them and let them duke it out. It's none of your business what other, grown adults are warring about.

And your mum - do you need to run when she asks or is it some sort of guilt button that's been installed in you? If she's in hospital, her needs are taken care of. She won't starve, she won't get hurt. How much time do you want to dedicate to her? It's ok if you say "-5398439 hours a week, please give me back my life" btw

Realistically, she's a grown fucking adult and shouldn't need you to run her life for her. Yes, being ill sucks, but so does being run off your feet until you explode. If you feel super guilty for "leaving her", make it a managed thing. Dedicate 15 minutes to her demands in the morning, write a list of what she wants and manage her expectations to the best of your ability. You will come by at X time on Y date and you have Z hours / minutes to stay by her side. You will run X errand at that time and not earlier. Be very very specific and clear and if she needles you with "but why can't you do it earlier etc bla bla" ignore it. Repeat your statement and become immovable. This is your life after all.

The family war is complicated, there's a lot of info in the incest thread. I am trying to be an uninvolved as possible but some is just passing on messages from siblings who aren't communicating with each other. Other aspects is speaking to police etc which obviously I can't really ignore

I definitely need to put in more boundaries with my mum though, you're right there. She tends to message last minute (ie 9.30pm saying she needs insulin taken to hospital for her for 7.30am, I sorted that with a call to her ward) I think I also need to tell my siblings regardless of what's going on, they need to help more with mum. I get they have jobs and kids but so do I. It isn't fair to leave all down to me.

 

[littlepup]

Thank you for the help, we've gone with the ginger boy. I've always wanted a ginger cat.
I know it's not really the issue and their personality will be what it will be so please don't think it'll be an accessory. Colour/sex was just the only way to chose as they are so tiny still.
Having two isn't an option just now unfortunately.

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

I hope we don't get more and more like the US with tipping culture. It's expensive enough! I prefer the option of tipping for something standout rather than it being expected.

Exactly this. I always take the service charge off and give cash if it was really great - because I really think this automatic gratuity being added is going to reduce the stable wages of hospitality workers.

I see the government in a few years time going '80% of diners tip, so to reflect that and encourage restaurants to hire more staff, we're going to remove minimum wage for service staff'. And then we'll be on the American system, which I think is disgusting.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Any advice for irrational anger? I can't afford therapy atm so that's not an option. I do meditate which does help. I've never had anger problems before, but I find myself so irritable/angry so easily these days. Don't get me wrong, I'm not violent or aggressive. I just vent on here or to friends. But I think being stuck in the middle of a family war, plus my mum being increasingly cantankerous and demanding whilst being in hospital (for which I'm running around after her daily) is just getting to me.

 

[Snippysnips]

Would you move to NI to self build if it meant leaving the house and area you love but you would be mortgage and debt free. Live in the countryside with no neighbours. Your husband could work less hours and you'll have a better quality of life?

My husband has decided that's what he wants to do, he just needs to convince me and our kids.

We'd have about 200k in the bank after selling our house.

He's a builder and thinks he could buy land and build a house for 150k

His uncle is selling 3 acres with planning permission within a 12 acre field

To add, I've never been to NI, never shown any interest in visiting. I've been with my husband 18 years and he's only been over a few times in those years for funerals.

Not particularly close to family. Take my mum shopping a couple of times a week. No proper close friends.

Would you?

It would depend on me an how far from towns/city's it would be, I love the idea of living in a countryside, used to go up into the country every summer to my aunt's an it was nice but she was miles from a town an even further from a city an at times it felt lonely an you had nothing to do but just take a walk round the countryside, I once went to London an got such a buzz from the whole "city life" that it made it even worse because there was so much you could do in London, and as much as I don't think I could live in a city because I think eventually it might become too overwhelming with people, I also don't think I could ever cope with living miles away from that either, am sorta happy in the middle

It would depend on how far away you were from towns/city's, it might seem a lovely break but you have to ask yourself if you would be able to cope with hours drive into towns or city's, would the kids be happy not being able to just nip into town for the cinema an something to eat with you or a friend? Would you be fine internet ordering the majority of things? In the winter are you fine being snowed in? I don't know what weather is like in NI so you might not be as bad but my aunt got snowed in every winter, she'd need to order in weeks worth of food an home school the kids because they couldn't see the roads to drive, they never seen other people during that either so they were totally isolated

Am not trying put you off, living in the country can be amazing for some but you need to think of the reality of it an what country living can really be like

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Any advice for irrational anger? I can't afford therapy atm so that's not an option. I do meditate which does help. I've never had anger problems before, but I find myself so irritable/angry so easily these days. Don't get me wrong, I'm not violent or aggressive. I just vent on here or to friends. But I think being stuck in the middle of a family war, plus my mum being increasingly cantankerous and demanding whilst being in hospital (for which I'm running around after her daily) is just getting to me.

You've had a fair bit going on recently (from stuff you've mentioned on threads) so it's not surprising you're feeling a bit strung out. As another poster (Becca) said, if you're operating at overwhelm then the default can be irritation.

The ironic thing about this is that it's taken me giving this advice to apply it to my own life.

You're not alone so keep talking when you need to.
---

I don’t know if it’s relevant for you but for me irrational feelings of rage were what I reckon now were the start of perimenopause. If this isn’t appropriate for you then I apologise but wanted to throw it out there. I’m on hrt now and it’s really helped. Rhodiola rosea is also helpful and GABA.

This is interesting. I'm obviously not the poster but I can relate to what she's said. Does peri affect your memory as well because I'm starting to worry there's something seriously wrong with me.

 

[Babysnark]

Thank you for the help, we've gone with the ginger boy. I've always wanted a ginger cat.
I know it's not really the issue and their personality will be what it will be so please don't think it'll be an accessory. Colour/sex was just the only way to chose as they are so tiny still.
Having two isn't an option just now unfortunately.

Love ginger cats! So exciting

 

[cee-bee]

Does anyone have any advice on how to not be such a horrible person when I'm stressed?
If any of you are on the rant thread you'll know I'm going through some stuff with HR at work (a colleague sent me an unsolicited video of him wanking) & the investigation is stressful AF. I'm such a grump and a horrible person to be around whilst it's been going on. My nearest & dearest don't deserve this taken out on them.

that sounds horrendous. I’m assuming the investigation is a criminal one and not just an internal HR one?

as such, I wonder how much the complaint is stressing you and how much of the stress stems from the actual crime committed against you. You were targeted in a horrible way, in a place you should’ve been safe. Have you been offered counselling or support?

Get help after rape or sexual assault

If something sexual happened to you without your consent – or you're not sure – we are here for you. No matter when it happened.

rapecrisis.org.uk

rape crisis gave a hotline for you to even just have a vent. When you feel stressed and irritable, you could maybe pick up the phone?

I’d also recommend speaking to your GP. Being snappy and irritable after being the victim of a crime isn’t a personal failing on your part. It’s a natural human reaction, a response to something traumatic. Your GP might be able to refer you to talking therapies. I got access to Silvercloud via my GP, a type of CBT therapy which can help with processing the emotions you’re feeling right now.

 

[nataliaaaaa]

Thank you so much for responding. Your comments all make perfect sense. I agree he is not in the right place to support me - when talking about hormones once he commented that men wouldn’t get away with being a certain way to women each month. He isn’t generally the most empathetic person.

And this is the thing - I have actually had the same conversations with him over and over, ie the same cycle happens, I promise to work on things but perhaps I just don’t get the time / space to work on them? Not to make excuses but it’s so hard to pin it down!

Now I’ll be honest here and say I can be quite nasty when I have these episodes (this one was the very day before my period). We had been at his parents and had a lovely night but then something set me off and on the way home I started telling him how I feel I have nothing to look forward to and I called him boring! I also said I used to do more things like say trips with exes. He asked why I’m not still with them and I said a maybe I should be!! So I am not innocent in this! Those are horrible things to say and all I can say is I don’t feel myself when I’m saying them. So I understand it’s hard for him to offer support when I’m like that. One of my bugbears is our lack of quality time together and the night at his parents brought that up!

I think you’re right though, perhaps i need to just take some time to work on things. I have a feeling him going to my parents was his way of trying to make it look final when in reality head now asking me for an update so I’m just all over the place!

 

[TheGlossy]

Can’t make this up today.

I was approached for an external role which I know is a dead end, but I wanted to use this interview as training for future interviews given I’m aiming for a more senior role.

Fast forward, I received the invite today and the person interviewing me used to work in the same department in my current company (literally used to sit across from me), probably knows my current manager and from past experience of overhearing them on calls, they can be pretty abrasive.

The interview is Monday but with all this in mind, I’d rather not even bother. I need yo find something ti cancel.

Update: I didn’t cancel the interview but I should have. I joined the call then the hiring manager asked me if I knew this was for a contract role (I didn’t!). He said it’s for a 6 months contract role and asked if I was interested in the role still. I said ‘in all honesty, no, there is some flexibility on the contract type’.

I have a permanent role and I’m not about to leave it for a 6 months contract.

I honestly had to be clear about the fact I wasn’t aware it was for a 6 months stint. The recruiter completely gaslighted me by sending me to an interview with no job description and on top of this not informing me it was for a 6 months contract!

I could have pretended I knew and dealt with the recruiter after just for the sake of the interview, but I don’t like being lied to and gaslighted because it’s already happened to me beforeso the interview ended right there. Recruitment firms need to be called out on there BS to lure candidates.

I think the hiring manager did me a favor by asking if I knew it’s for a 6 months contract, because a lot of hiring managers don’t and take it for face value you’ve been told by the recruiter.

Blocked the recruiter’s email and phone number. I had this situation happened to me two years ago and the recruiter kept blowing my phone when I called them out and withdrew my application. I don’t have time for this.

 

[ShadesMint]

I feel like an ass but I don't know what to do? I've shortened this as it was quite long.

My partner's family have an event planned for tomorrow which has been booked since July. It's a Christmas event, most of partner's family are going. I was initially told it's an hour drive away, so agreed to go.

Got a message through yesterday in Whatsapp group to say it's a 2.5 hr drive each way, we are picking up some other family members on the way, stopping off for food, etc and then allowing plenty of time to get there. So we're setting off extra early
This has completely thrown me because I wasn't expecting to be in a car for 5 hrs and that's excluding the actual event.

For context, I really struggle with long car rides anyway as I have joint issues. I'm also currently pregnant, sickness has been horrendous, I've actually been off sick a couple of days from work this week as I've also caught a bad cold/fever in addition to all the fatigue etc that comes with pregnancy.) Despite this I was still willing to go as I'm over the cold.

But now, my main worry is actually our dog, who will be left for at least 9 hrs. The most she has been left before is 5 hrs. When we go out we set her up in a room with a camera so we can watch her remotely on our phones. But when we left her for that time, 5 hrs she was howling and became really distressed. 9 hours is just far too long for her to be left. She will be without water and food for that time as we don't have any automatic feeders or anything. I think it's cruel. She's trained to go to the toilet outside as well so she won't use puppy pads indoors.

None of my family live local (they're all at least 1.5 hrs drive away) but I've asked them if they can help, unfortunately none of them can dog sit as it's too short notice.
I've let the family know that I can't go but tbh I feel like an ass, they said they assumed we'd get a dog sitter. I feel really guilty, but they're being really dismissive, because they said she'd be fine on her own, and it's the only time they're meeting up for Christmas so I should go.
I feel really frustrated with my partner, bc when my family do events I always sort the logistics, so when his family has events he should really sort it out? We've always done it this way so I'm not sure why it's been left until now, unless he didn't realise how far away it was either.

To top it off our dog is reactive, wary of strangers. My partner suggested we get a dog sitter where she goes to their house but tbh I think this will be a disaster as it will be a strange house with strange people (strange as in she doesn't know them) and hasn't had time to introduce herself properly to them! We have considered having them over to us, but we've done this before and she withdraws/cries/doesn't eat until we get back.
What would you do? I am in such a huge mess.