The advice thread for random problems #2

[zoominmoom]

I am so so sorry that both you and your hubby are going through this. It can feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. And being at the mercy of the healthcare system is as terrifying as it is frustrating. I am in a similar situation myself right now. You’re not alone. I understand. I have no advice but to just take it one day at a time. Sometimes it’s one hour at a time. Anything more than that can feel overwhelming and it’s not helpful. You are in survival mode now and you just focus on getting yourself through. I don’t know of the services there (I’m in Ireland) but I’m sure there are free helplines where you/hubby can call just to vent? Where you can express your concerns about him without breaking his trust. And he can emotionally unburden himself without always putting it all on your shoulders? Also, while I understand you want to respect his privacy, I really recommend you talk to a trusted manager at work about the situation at home, without going into too much detail, you might be surprised at how supportive workplaces can be. And I’ll keep everything crossed that the doctors sort their shit out for you!

Thanks for your kind words and sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I hope everything gets better for you soon. I've called the Samaritans once or twice when it all got too much and they were a good listening ear. I'm considering starting going to a carers support group too.

Luckily work were very understanding when it all kicked off a couple of years ago. I haven't told them it's got bad again because last time I burst out crying and felt a bit silly! I know I can speak to them if I need to, though.

Unfortunately we heard nothing from the doctor today so I'm going to have to request an appointment again tomorrow. I wonder if their online consult thing is shut at certain times. It should say so if it is as it takes about 15 minutes to fill out each time!
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So so sorry you're going through this, you seem so strong.

I have limited experience as I've only been the person who has the mental health crisis, not the person helping. However I do know that if it gets to the point where he is experiencing the crisis situation, you need to take him to a&e or call 999. I know it seems drastic but our health service now only gives help to those considered most at need, so you may need to push it this far if it comes down to it. From there he will be bumped up the list so to speak to get help.

Sending all the love to you here.

I hope you're feeling better with your mental health now We've had situations where we've had to get the police/paramedics/A&E involved before and I'm trying to avoid it happening again if at all possible, and I'm sure he doesn't want that either, though I know sometimes there's nothing else that can be done. One of the A&E doctors basically told him to man up which was so inappropriate it'd be funny if it wasn't so serious. Some of the other people there were good though and one nurse in particular was great.

Fingers crossed I can get the GP to do something. It's no wonder A&E is clogged up if people struggle to get care before it becomes a crisis.

 

[chickhicks86]

Question. Would you expect both your children to be invited to a child’s bday party if they were only 2 years age diff or just the one that’s close in age to the child celebrating their bday?

Just the child that was friends with the birthday child - especially if school age. Maybe a bit more of a grey area if you know them through nursery / baby groups where both children attend. 2 years age difference is quite a lot when they get a bit older.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I’m not sure if I’ve ever asked advice on this issue before. It’s a rather difficult one.
My brother and his wife (both intheir 40’s) lives with my mum (82). My mum and my SIL dislike each other immensely and doesn’t get on at all. It’s causing a really toxic environment and my mun is deeply unhappy. I’m so worried about her.

Now the big problem is I’m in the UK and they are in South Africa. I don’t feel like I can interfere too much as I’m not there to give support.
I am in a priviliged financial position that I could bring my mum to the UK and she would become a dependant on me. She however absolutely refuses. I don’t blame her.

I honestly don’t know what to do. His wife ignores my mum. They are all messy and my mum works far to hard to keep the house clean, they say she’s OTT.
They don’t pay any rent although my mum struggles financially. I know they don’t have a lot of money but they could afford to give some money, even £50 a month out there would make a huge difference to her.
They do BBQ’s at the house and don’t include her.
I can go on and on about these things.

I just don’t know what the solution is. I’m going in April for a visit and feel that I need to talk to my brother. But I don’t know what to say. We don’t have a close relationship but I never thought they would treat my mum like that.

I also don’t want to cause too much shit as I’m there for 3 weeks and then I leave again.
In an ideal world we’d sell the house and I’d get my mum a little flat in an OAP village or somehwere secure but again, she doesn’t want to do that.

PS this only started once my brother got married. Before that there weren’t really any issues. And although my mum isn’t perfect my SIL is really horrible. All I can think is the poonani must be really good

Looking for advice on if you can report a scam in the workplace

My dad works in a carehome an does this "lottery" it's £10 a month an you only get it if your number is the bonus ball but only on specific Saturdays

His number actually come out last week but they told him that this month it needs to be the last Saturday of the month, in the 5 years he's worked there he's had it maybe a few times but they keep changing what Saturday in the month it's going be

I wish he would stop but unfortunately he's gets a bit talked into things an honestly I don't know if they are talking the elderly into this scam as well

This is 100% a scam. Contact them and tell them you will let the police and action fraud know what is going on. Is it the care home itself or a specific person who runs this?

 

[CoffeeMamma]

@shadowcat5 checked with CoffeeGranny (aka retired GP) and she says to keep a close eye on it, and keep it clean but as everyone else has said, tetanus shot is up to date so that’s the main thing. Any doubts pop into a pharmacy, they’ll give better advice apparently!

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Guys the loneliness is real! I hardly see anyone and mostly it's just my company. It's making me sooo sad! Even my fro called friends when I ask to meet for brew don't bother to respond.

how can I start making new friends! It's getting me down so much

Try some meetup groups or join a group with similar interests to you.
I joined meetup years ago and it had some really good groups on there

 

[tomato_paste]

What does everyone take to work for lunch or does anybody have any ideas of what I could have to mix things up a bit? (I work in an office with only a microwave and kettle for context). I am wanting healthy ideas but I am so bored of bringing the same things everyday (sandwich, jacket potato, pasta or soup).

I have a recipe for an asian style noodle soup where you only need boiling water:

I use tons of different veg, sometimes broccoli, spinach is a good one, you could even take some veg to steam in the microwave and then add to the broth. Great to use up any veg in the fridge too.

 

[Slaybutter]

I Aliexpress worth it? I looked at it once but just looked like they were selling loads of tat

If I want something off Amazon I’ll check the price on aliexpress first. When Amazon/ a brand charges this much for plastic:

and the same thing is on aliexpress:

it’s worth investigating aliexpress in my eyes. Like I said though, I’m still waiting for my first delivery! For all I know, AE could be using cheaper quality materials. Hopefully I’ll find out soon..

 

[Hastaggifted]

I'm waiting for a smear test and I feel sick with nerves. I know they do them every day and don't give a shit but the thought of me laying there
I've put it off since 2016 so I know I need it done but I'm a wreck
I need to woman up. I'm 32 fgs

ETA it was just as bad as i thought it was going to be. She had to readjust the bed twice with me laid there legs akimbo , she had to readjust the speculum 3 times then use a longer one, she said I was too tall . BUT it's done, hopefully for another 3 years. Being a woman is so glamorous

Soz, I thought this was the rant about thread

 

[Tinker74]

doesn't sound rude to me, not sure what you've done out of that that would be considered rude besides not going into the room? Did you greet him earlier on when he arrived?

Maybe her boyfriend stinks of garlic all the time and that's why she's embarrassed

Lol thanks! It was definitely the food not him ha ha.. I can't believe such a strong smell was from chicken strips! I honestly thought it must be kebabs ha ha.
I didn't greet him when he arrived.. Because daughter wants me upstairs out the way.. I did say hello to him earlier though then we were both in the kitchen.
Iam feeling a bit shit tbh.. Wondering if iam going to face her wrath tomorrow when he leaves.

Did she say exactly what you did or is it the “if you don’t know I won’t tell you?”

Yes she said it was me asking what they had ordered and saying it smelt bad. She says this was rude and embarrassing and I should be ashamed of myself.

 

[tomato_paste]

Agree with snippy. Offer plain chicken and rice and see if they’ll take that

My old boy would get like this as well, they used to tell us they won't go past 3 days without eating, but if we wanted to help him then some boiled rice an cooked chicken would be best, even though he wouldn't touch his food he would scoff down rice an chicken

I hope she feels better soon

I just added a dollop of yoghurt to her kibble and she ate the lot is my dog ... spoiled?

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Not really a problem but does anyone have any recommendations for comfy sandals that don't look horrible?.

I'm going on holiday soon and need to find some. Just comfy enough to walk round all day!

I bought some from Next last year in the sale that are really comfortable. They are leather and with a solid strap but they don't look old persony if that makes sense? I'll try and find a photo of them. They might have something similar this year.
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Not really a problem but does anyone have any recommendations for comfy sandals that don't look horrible?.

I'm going on holiday soon and need to find some. Just comfy enough to walk round all day!

These are them. I've got them in a goldish and tan colour too. Very comfy! There's a next sale coming up but it might not be the right season for sandal bargains.

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Unlike my last post, this probably is an advice thing.

I now have Sunday night fear of work on a Saturday. I can't do this anymore. I used to (and still do) love my job but the responsibility of it, in the state I'm in mentally has become too much.

My employer (my immediate boss) is incredibly supportive and has already been wonderful (adhjusted hours etc) so I don't feel I can say I'm not coping.

Without saying what I do, there are deadlines that have very little wiggle room.

I'm also studying along side the job (but as part of the job) and I am contracted to go on residentials. I don't know if I could be on sick leave and still go on them.

I just want to hide under a duvet and make it all stop.

Sounds like burnout. Is there any way you can take a break from something to relieve pressure? So a break from work but continue studying or a break from study and continue working until something is “ticked off” so to speak?

 

[Slaybutter]

Me an my brother both lived at home when we had (new) partners over, if we had ordered food the very first thing my folks would have done is come down an ask what the smell was cause they would have been wondering what we ordered, not once would I have viewed that as being a negative thing an if either of our partners had viewed it as being a negative/embarrassing thing then personally I'd have thought they were arseholes, parents are entitled to act however they want in their own home, an end of the day why the hell would I want my parents acting non existent (forcing them in their own room) or like some posh mute snobs when my partner should be seeing my parents act how they normally act, if he doesn't like them how they are in the first place then he can fk off

She sounds like a very spoilt adult that maybe should stick to dates outside the home is she's that unhappy with a simple question

It seems like you’re implying I might be an “arsehole” but I just don’t like when people IRL comment on whatever it is I’m eating or even doing. It makes me self aware and uncomfortable.

 

[WeHadFunRight]

They’re so hard to get rid of because some retailers don’t accept them online and you can’t use them partially online - your card balance needs to cover the full purchase. Then some stores don’t accept them either.

The 18 months rule started in November 2022. The monthly fees they applied were prior to this new rule.

I never knew this, I’ve been buying them for my niece and nephew!

 

[petitspois]

Thank you all for the kick to sort it, she went in for the guilt trip big time. Claiming she’s moved other clients to fit me in, not sure how she’s come to that because I don’t have a session booked as she was going to get back to me!
She then claimed she didn’t have the cash due to a massive tax bill, can’t be that hard off.

In the end she agreed to pay me back when she can so that’s something.

I guess it might be classed as gross misconduct as it’s fraud against the company technically.

She won’t pay you back unless you take further action. If she intended to she would have done it there and then. You’re going to have to make her transfer the money while she’s with you. Don’t feel bad, she’s the schemer here and she’s used you.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Be gentle with yourself as you've been through a lot. The fact you're asking these questions is really good as unfortunately abusers often pick people that have been victims before my ex was mentally abusive which turned physically abusive in the end and it was one of the worst times in my life. My dad was mentally and physically abusive to me as a child/teenager so it made me an easier victim for him I think as it was more normalised when the behaviours started creeping in.

Dating people is going to be super frustrating and fruitless, especially if you go on the apps. At the end of the day all you can try to do is build a life where you are happy being alone, and therefore any man who you meet would have to really add value to be worth your time. This will lead you to being pickier and hopefully weed out anyone with bad intent, although I know this is hard in practise in a society where single women are seen as "less than" and just waiting for a man to come along.

Thank you, that's really good advice. I'm sorry you've been through so much.

What I didn't say in my post was that I have already made the decision to remain single whilst my children are all under 18 anyway. In part this is for reasons you've mentioned about being potentially vulnerable to people who may treat me badly but mainly because it I don't think me having a relationship would be the right thing for my children. (This is just due to my own personal circumstances and isn't in any way meant as a criticism of people who have children and are dating, just to make that really clear).

I think that's partly why finding someone attractive has thrown me. Ridiculously I didn't expect that to happen because dating is not on my radar. Apparently choosing the single life doesn't make you blind, who knew .

It might seem simple in that I'm not going to date so it's not actually an issue but it's highlighted to me the types of problems I may face and also the extent of my trust issues amongst other things I need to work on. It would be easy to just ignore it and not worry about it until I really need to but I feel like processing these thoughts and feelings is part of the healing process.

Fortunately the older I've got, the happier I am in my own company. I'd like to think that over the next few years I'll be able to build my confidence and self esteem up again so that when I am ready to meet someone not only will they complement my life but I will do the same for them, in a way that I know wouldn't be the case were I to date now.

As you can tell by this very waffly post, I'm a chronic overthinker!

 

[littlepup]

I agree, trust your heart. It’s not the only band 6 job surely, there will be others? Unless you need it financially, I would wait for a better fit to come up.
That’s all said assuming you have no self doubt about your abilities or worth that are holding you back.

 

[Snippysnips]

Got myself a little 2nd job to help with the cost of living, 20hrs two weekends a month .
Now I am not good at maths but I think I am getting taxed more than the usual 20%,can someone look into my wage slip and help me please
T.I.A

You usually get taxed more if you have a second job unfortunately

 

[Pinklobster]

My friend swears that taking collagen cured her KP and really improved her hormonal acne and psoriasis (or maybe it was eczema? Whatever, her skin is incredible!)

I’m jumping in here to say I second this - had this all my life, it goes away when I’m on holiday (weirdly) but otherwise, nothing else worked! Started taking collagen a few years ago as an overall anti ageing benefit, and the KP has completely cleared up, my skin, nails and hair are much better too!

 

[Tide'sout]

Can I wear this to a funeral? Or is the flowers too much. It’s the only blackish dress I have
View attachment 2067684

Absolutely, I wore a black dress with little cream flowers, black denim jacket, black tights, boots and handbag recently. Don't stress, the family will be delighted you are there.