The advice thread for random problems #2

[Purrrrrrr]

CAN I PICK YOUR BRAINS ON DIFFICULT LETTER AFTER DEATH OF BROTHER
My sister-in-law has upset every single member of the family. She has absolutely no sensitivity and is a grifter. We have only ever been able to speak to my lovely elderly brother through her. Get the picture! i'm sure every family has one. Think Megan M. and double that.
How to word an e-mail insisting that only blood relatives are involved at this stage and we do not want her involved in our business until further down the line. I want to do it nicely as my deceased brother was such a kind and peaceful person and would hate any animosity. Any ideas?

Was she his wife Barmcake? If she was then I don't think you can stop her from being involved (if this is about his funeral etc) , but I'm sure she can if she wanted to stop you all from being involved. So tread lightly if that is the case (I'm sure others will know more than I do) Horrible situation for you all.

 

[CoffeeMamma]

I'm waiting for a smear test and I feel sick with nerves. I know they do them every day and don't give a shit but the thought of me laying there
I've put it off since 2016 so I know I need it done but I'm a wreck
I need to woman up. I'm 32 fgs

ETA it was just as bad as i thought it was going to be. She had to readjust the bed twice with me laid there legs akimbo , she had to readjust the speculum 3 times then use a longer one, she said I was too tall . BUT it's done, hopefully for another 3 years. Being a woman is so glamorous

I have HPV and get them done every 6 months, something always goes awry well done for doing it no matter how scary it felt. I just lost my MiL to cancer and it’s a brutal disease, you’ve given yourself the best chance to protect yourself.
oh, and the nurse thinks of it the same way as an elbow so there’s no need for embarrassment!

 

[tomato_paste]

I need help on how to politely turn this down.

We have this practice in my new team where people have to present a pre-defined PowerPoint to introduce themselves as new joiners (likes such as food, sports and dislikes etc).

We have to add personal pictures and present it in front of our whole team of 70 people.

I don’t want to do this for various reasons:
1. I’m a very private person
2. I’ve no pictures to put on there (I’ve no friends or family to take pictures with).
3. I am petrified at the idea of speaking in such a large group - I get physically sick at the thought of it.

How do I politely turn this down without sounding like I’m refusing to play the corporate game?!

I know it sucks having to do this but I think it might work against you if you don't. Are you planning on trying to climb the career ladder there or is it any old corporate job? If you have an HR dept you could ask if they can make an exception because of your anxiety of public speaking? But it might not be the best start to your position there if you plan on raising through the ranks.

If you can get yourself to do it, I'd be plane jane - so for pics I'd say: pictures of outings you've been on that are completely and utterly normal like a walk, a day out in a small town or a hike to some unexciting place, pics of mediocre sightseeing spots, pics of a cake or some food you made or ate, or your houseplants - all things that pretty much everyone does or has and that won't give away anything about you in the slightest. If they're mediorce pics all the better

Just be enthusiastic about the most boring stuff and people will leave you alone and will not pay attention at the presentation either.

 

[Tinker74]

Thanks. I feel better knowing iam not crazy for what I was thinking.
Iam not sure if mum did call him out or not she rarely does and she is very much of the old school we're I should just get on with life and snap out of it. She thinks if noone has died then I don't have any business getting upset.

 

[Babysnark]

According to my vaccination form, I had tetanus stage 2 in 2020. The form says I'm not due until 2030

Unless you have a compromised immune system I reckon you'll probably be fine then if your tetanus is up to date.

Just keep an eye on it, and if it shows any sign of infection I would definitely call my GP but otherwise keep it clean and dry.

If you don't want to call 111 you can still go through the online questionnaire on the NHS website and it will give you advice too.

 

[littlepup]

Thank you all so much for your comments, I was being unreasonable because they are family. It was a lot easier when we just had one child but I think they don't realise how hard it can be having three children to look after and how much time it can take to get everything together for a birthday. I'm going to speak to my husband today, he supports my view when I speak to him but I try not to make to big a deal of it to him because its his family. I think you're right though, I need to put my foot down more or it will never stop. Thank you for your help

Honestly I may be way off but is smacks of people who think stay at home Mums are just having a jolly with their kids and ‘aren’t working, it’s not like a real job’.
Suggest to them that they have the party at a cleaner’s, or nanny’s or teacher’s or accountant’s or chef’s or psychologist’s or handy man’s etc house because they should have just as much time on their hands as you do to organise, prep and tidy from it all.

 

[littlepup]

Hi all, I couldn’t figure out how to start a new thread so thought it best to post in here!

A bit of a tricky one but my other half and I live in a flat which is quite old and has terrible sound proofing. Our neighbours seem like nice people who keep themselves to themselves. We just have one awkward issue. They have a baby, who based on when I first saw the baby as a newborn must now be about 18 months old. Our bedroom is on the other side of their bedroom. We’d rarely hear the baby crying through the walls even as a newborn but for the past 3 months or so, we’ve been woken up on a regular basis around 2 or 3AM by the baby squealing and crying. It’s so loud that we feel like the baby is in the same room as us. Even with earplugs in we sometimes wake up. We can hear the parents talking quite loudly too. We live in 2 bedroom flats so I am not sure if the baby sleeps in their other room and then when she wakes, they bring her into their bedroom. We don’t have children ourselves but I do sympathise if they are suffering with broken sleep. Is it awkward if I raise the issue with the neighbours however? I’m not sure if they realise how loud their baby is - it doesn’t even sound like crying, more squealing. I just don’t want to come across as unsympathetic and cause them stress but it’s really really annoying me now!

I’m struggling to believe this is real. If there was anything, anything at all they could do to stop their baby crying and waking at 3am they would be doing it. I’m not sure what you think they can possibly do? Or what they’re not doing? It’s not fun for them, the baby is distressed. Are you implying they should switch the bedrooms for your sake? What solution do you suggest?!

If someone came to me with this complaint I’d not feel embarrassed or awkward, I’d be furious at their ignorance.

 

[Kim Mild]

Would anyone have any ideas on how I could get a stain out of a suede trainer?

I saw a reel on Instagram and they used miceller water to get stains out of suede shoes. I thought of this question immediately

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Block and report. They knew what they were doing.

I had a bloke turn up to buy a coffee machine for £50. Turned up and said would I take £45 because he came from the next town. I said no and he still tried to give me £45! The cheek of some people.

Yes the discount for coming from far away boggles my mind. Had someone try this on me too. If I drive two towns over to John Lewis am I meant to ask for 10% off everything for the inconvenience of them not being on my doorstep?

 

[Purrrrrrr]

Does anyone know can you replace the hearth of a fireplace without having to replace the surround?

Depends on the type. mine is brick and I'm having it removed with a hammer and chisel but the brick surround will stay in place.


..........










I keep making duvet mistakes

I used to buy duvets and they were nice with a little weight and stayed flat but the last few have been so lightweight ( even the winter ones) that they wont stay flat but bundle up in the cover also the fabric isn't like fabric at all more like the paper dresses and knickers from the 60s/70s . I am looking for the older types with prober fabric and a little weight to them.

Help!! please point me in the right direction without having to spend a fortune

 

[TheGlossy]

Where do people go after escaping the finance industry (that doesn't involve taking a pay cut)???

Tech, big pharma, management consulting.

 

[Some People!]

After a bit advice and recommendations.

Has anyone tried to re-waterproof a coat? I've got one that used to be water resistant but it's been washed a few times and I get wet straight away. It's a insulated one with synthetic wadding.

I've rewaterproofed a really nice fold-away rain jacket.
Well, I tried - the stuff had no effect.
I asked for recommendations in an outdoorsy shop and got what they recommended. Having just now dug out the can to tell you to avoid it (Isotex), I noticed that it says "step two" on the can, so I guess I missed a whole other can/ step. Annoying. My first instinct at the time was to see what Nikwax made and i think I'll give it another go with the recommendations here! Good luck!

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I've said my view upthread, but I still think that commenting on what people are eating/ the smell comes across negatively and will make the guest feel awkward.
We don't know exactly what was said bit it clearly wasn't just a what did you have for dinner or your dinner smells nice question/ comment. Probably more a what's that bad garlic smell? Your dinner smells bad or something like that.

I come back to my original point, what was to be gained by asking, as it clearly wasn't just done in a neutral way. If they said we ordered a roasted bulb of garlic the answer isn't going to suddenly change the smell. Just open a window, or light a candle if it's that bad.

Admit it! You’re tge daughter

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

So not a huge issue but my kid has his birthday next month, it's midweek and his party is the weeknd before. On his actual birthday it's a normal day, work and childcare etc. would you do presents on the weekend before / after the party or wait until his actual birthday? He's 4

I'd just do them on his birthday. That's what we've always done.

 

[Dianne]

I think the fact that drs appointments are so often over the phone now is really difficult for lots of reasons. I had the worst case of anxiety and panic in 2019, i couldn’t even function and I felt like I wasn’t real. I booked an appointment online and was seen in person. I wouldn’t have even been able to speak on the phone.

At my Doctors there’s a page that says who each dr is and what their specialty is in, so I booked to see a dr who was the lead on mental health. I agree with others, write down key feelings and points you’d like to stress and think about whether you’d like to try medication, or therapy, or both. X

 

[Medusah80]

I cant quite see the figures. But it looks like your gross pay to date is 900 and tax paid to date is 180. Which is 20% so your tax to date is right for BR tax code on a cumulative basis.

It might be that you didn't pay enough tax on previous months so have paid extra this month. Your tax to date is definitely right for BR tax code.

Tax is calculated as pay to date, minus personal allowances for the tax code and relevant month (none in this case as BR is 20% on everything) and then the whole pounds only x20%. That is your tax due to date. Minus off any tax already paid in the year from that source and that's the tax due in that month. So as your tax to date is correct but your tax paid this month is higher than 20% I would guess you haven't paid enough tax in previous months but are now up to date.

BR tax code would only be wrong if you don't have income of over £12570 from another source. If your income from elsewhere is less than this then call HMRC and get them to spilt your tax code between your two incomes.

Thank you for this explanation it does make sense .

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

hello me again, here with a medical one this time. I don't want to bother 111 with this cause it seems stupid but I have anxiety.

I stabbed myself with a rusty screw driver. Just a scratch but it did break skin and bleed. I washed my hands and put germolean on it straight away. Do I need to worry?
Thank you in advance!

When last did you have a tetanus shot? Most ptobably nothing will happen but for peace of mind I’d go and get a tetanus shot

 

[Jerry Garcia]

I’m jumping in here to say I second this - had this all my life, it goes away when I’m on holiday (weirdly) but otherwise, nothing else worked! Started taking collagen a few years ago as an overall anti ageing benefit, and the KP has completely cleared up, my skin, nails and hair are much better too!

I have to ask you - which Collagen, and where did you buy it, please ? X

 

[LaBlonde]

For some reason, I can’t stop thinking about joining an online dating app. I’ve zero interest in dating as I’ve a lot going on, but something in me keeps telling me to set up an account.

I’m not interested in meeting anyone through an app to be fair, so I don’t know why I suddenly feel the urge to go on some app. It doesn’t help I keep seeing ads for this same app everywhere (buses, TV etc).

I’m 32 and perhaps I should think about widening my horizons to meet someone but to be fair, I’ve no interest. I’m conflicted. Besides, I’ve already been on apps (6 years ago or so), and it wasn’t great.

if you have no genuine interest then it really isn’t worth it - the apps are hard going. they will sap your self esteem and can be seriously exhausting. you have to be in the right frame of mind for them. you mention a number of times in your post that you have zero interest in dating right now, you’re not interested in meeting someone through an app, you’ve done it before and it wasn’t great…. what is making you want to give it a try now?

all i can reiterate is that they’re tricky and you have to be prepared to invest time into them for sometimes not much reward. if you’re not in the right space to want to meet someone right now then that’s cool, but it means the apps probably aren’t the right thing for you.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Yeah this is very good points and advice. I think I’m feeling sensitive this week with everything.

My dating life goal is marriage and potentially kids as he’s already been married twice and got three kids (by three different women!) and I’m so used to not saying what I want, I don’t want to budge on this.

I don't think he's for you. Be kind to yourself for a while and think of it more as a lucky escape.

My advice on this is based on you not having children yet and you think you'd like them but within a committed relationship. This man isn't offering you these things. Don't compromise when there's nothing to compromise for. Also, you have no real emotional bond with him. It's just a projection of what you'd like him to be at this point (I hope that doesn't sound horrible).

There's someone you're more suited to out there.