The advice thread for random problems #2

[Rxt156]

Thank you all for the kick to sort it, she went in for the guilt trip big time. Claiming she’s moved other clients to fit me in, not sure how she’s come to that because I don’t have a session booked as she was going to get back to me!
She then claimed she didn’t have the cash due to a massive tax bill, can’t be that hard off.

In the end she agreed to pay me back when she can so that’s something.

I guess it might be classed as gross misconduct as it’s fraud against the company technically.

Keep badgering her until you get it back. I hope she hasn’t just fobbed you off

 

[no-no]

Yes, the new Virgin Media hubs are totally crap. I have trouble connecting on occasion in a room about 10 feet away and also losing connecting on an Amazon Alexa directly below the hub (Hub is on the upper floor, Alexa is in the kitchen).

Still getting crap service from them, raging! Been on hold for hours this morning (when I’m not being cut off) and they want me to pay £300 to leave despite having had no WiFi for months and shocking customer service. They say I signed up for broadband and they don’t have to guarantee WiFi whatsoever but the Ethernet connection doesn’t work, either. They are a law unto themselves and it’s time blanket exit fees were banned.

 

[Milktray]

HELP: Boyfriends surprise 40th party
I’m arranging a surprise party at a local bar in town where we have the upstairs 2nd bar to ourselves and an 3rd floor dance floor. Im inviting mostly friends and a handful of family members but with a view to it being mainly drinking and a night out vibe. My problem is what is the ‘etiquette’…? I’ve got a trip planned for his birthday and 2 weddings and the obvious multiple hen do’s that go with it, all before May so I need to watch my money.
Is it expected of me to buy everyone their first drink, ie. Bottles of beer and a few bottles of fizz? I don’t really want to do food either so planning on messaging to say have your tea before you come Advice please!!!

Yeah, you're going to have to do something to making it feel like a party.
I've been to a night club reception...drinks only. I really enjoyed it but it was easy to forget that it was a private function, some of the other guests were treating it like a normal night on the town.

By 11pm and after a few drinks, some guests had left to go to other bars nearby, had ventured into other areas of the club or had 'gatecrashers' (which were 'friends' of other guests').

So I do think you need to 'remind' people that it's a private party. Whether it's decorations, welcome drinks or a buffet.

A tray of welcome drinks and a few crispy snacks, might keep costs to a minimum...but I'd concentrate on decorations for the 'VIP feeling'.

Maybe you could ask if you can provide your own welcome drink for a corkage fee? (On the basis guests will be buying bar drinks from premises for the remainder of the evening).

 

[LaBlonde]

JEANS FOR APPLE SHAPED BODY. I haven’t been able to find a pair of jeans that fits me nicely since I was about 17. I’m overweight and a size 18, 5’8 but I have narrow hips, no bum and slim legs with a bigger belly. What style of jeans should I be wearing? Even when I was slim I struggled with this body shape and jeans. I see loads of bigger women wearing jeans who look lovely. If I buy an 18, it fits on my waist but is saggy everywhere else and anything smaller I can’t fasten. Help!!!!! X

you need a mid rise (so it’s going to sit on the smaller part of your waist) bootcut or slim leg i would say. a bootcut widens very slightly at the bottom and so will balance out.

buying jeans can be such a pain i had little look online and found this helpful for you though! it’s hugely detailed but the jeans section is towards the end:

apple body shape guidelines on how to dress the apple body shape

Dressing for the apple body shape can sometimes be a challenge. Here are my tips on how to dress the apple body shape and look fabulous!

40plusstyle.com

 

[RandomUser12345]

Does anyone have experience with One4Alls?

I had two of them which I used partially during the first year. Then, they started charging me card management fees on the remaining balance on a monthly basis even though the cards were not inactive and had just been used.

The expiry date on the cards read 2024, but to my surprise the remaining balances were all absorbed by these ridiculous fees. I don’t understand why have an expiry date 5 years away if the remaining balance is subjected to monthly fees after a year even if the card has just been used.

Yes they are awful! I didn't realise there was a management fee and my mum bought me one for Christmas a few years back I think I ended up losing like £8 from it by the time I spent it! Absolute joke wouldn't recommend them at all I don't know how they get away with it

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Thank you for your advice, I think you're right.. I'll have a chat with my boss first and see where to go from there.

Tbh I really just don't want to come across as a triggered snowflake

Not at all snowflake. I can be offensive to one and all in the UK because I’m very direct and say things as I see it. Malice not intended, it’s just my culture. But if somebody tells me I’m wrong and explain why or if they tell me they have taken offence I would always apologise. I don’t set out to upset people

 

[Snippysnips]

I appreciate this thread is probably for more heavy/life advice, but I have a ridiculous question right now.

I froze some puff pastry when I bought it, but took it out weeks ago to defrost in the fridge and completely forgot about it. I have just found it now right at the back of the top shelf in the fridge. It's a new unopened pack, use by date is 6th Nov. I can still use it right?

Or has freezing and then allowing it to thaw for so long caused some sort of hideous bacteria to be able to thrive?

I wouldn't use it, if something comes out the freezer I was always taught by my folks (who's both in the cooking industry) to use it within 2 to 3 days, even if its still in date

 

[littlepup]

So, I'm not sure I need advice as such but it isn't a rant either...
I've been separated over a year and am in the process of divorcing. There was abusive behaviour, some physical but mostly mental.

Recently I met someone I found quite attractive. It caught me off guard a bit. I think this person is married anyway so it's a non issue because they are not available.

I also had someone do some DIY this week and found him quite attractive. He is in a similar situation to me, not that it matters.

My issue is that I suddenly don't trust. Even the second guy who has spend some time explain his divorce to my parents who he was also doing some work for.

How can I ever trust what people say? How will I trust that the person I meet is telling the truth? How do I trust my own judgement? It's irrelevant to the two people above because those situations won't develop but I would like to meet someone one day.

Something that helped me with trust issues is to understand that you can never trust anyone 100% all of the time because you cannot control others or exterior situations. You’ll go out of your mind if you try BUT what you control your response. Rather than learning to trust, it’s learning to accept perhaps you can’t but finding what you will and won’t accept, how you respond to that and the betrayal should it occur. Trust yourself to leave situations that you’re not comfortable with, have strength to do that, have ground rules and implement them, not self sabotage through second guessing and paranoia, know you can’t change someone else only they are responsible for their behaviour, knowing what level of trust you’re happy with for different situations and so on. Judgment correct or not, if you’re happy at the time with your action as a result of their perceived behaviour then it doesn’t matter, the important part is how you deal with it, and move forward, not that you made the mistake, that’s been and gone.
Also being comfortable in yourself that you’re not reliant on someone so that if you do have to remove them from your life because they’ve dropped below your comfortable level, you’ll be ok.

I hope that makes sense, I’m not being very articulate. I used to think “don’t trust anyone then you won’t be disappointed” but that’s a really sad way to live. I’m still somewhat guarded but try to find a comfortable level, understand it’s not all or nothing & trust myself to process and deal with the disappointment should it occur rather than be bitter, resentful & withdraw. It’s served me better than the former.

 

[Mamacita]

I’m not an expert so could be completely wrong but… I would think the reason he doesn’t feel much better is because the thing causing him to drink is still there if he drinks or not. If, in his mind, he’s blocking something or finding release by drinking, without it I can imagine he might even feel worse.

Even if he wasn’t drinking, the way you’ve explained he has dropped out of your life together isn’t really acceptable. I definitely think you need to address the problems and I hope the family realise this and support you too.

I agree. And also with anything like that, it can take time to actually see a difference in how you feel. At first people can feel worse because I guess, in the end it is an addiction, so there will be withdrawal symptoms. I know when I quit smoking weed I felt shit for a while until I felt better cause I was so used to smoking and without it felt annoyed, had a headache, couldn't sleep etc

 

[Lalla]

I've said my view upthread, but I still think that commenting on what people are eating/ the smell comes across negatively and will make the guest feel awkward.
We don't know exactly what was said bit it clearly wasn't just a what did you have for dinner or your dinner smells nice question/ comment. Probably more a what's that bad garlic smell? Your dinner smells bad or something like that.

I come back to my original point, what was to be gained by asking, as it clearly wasn't just done in a neutral way. If they said we ordered a roasted bulb of garlic the answer isn't going to suddenly change the smell. Just open a window, or light a candle if it's that bad.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Tell your Therapsit what you want to share. When you're comfortable. When you've built good trust and rapport. There are no rules.

You've potentially seen these before but do have a read (if you are able to) because they'll explain what and why your brain is doing what it is. Oftentimes, an explanation gives us some clarity.

If you've got a decent therapist they can cure these symptoms. There is treatment available to help you overcome these symptoms.

Good luck xxxx

Thank you. I haven't seen any of those before but they make a lot of sense.

I'm having a bit of an internal struggle with it all but I think that's mainly me fighting the urge to shove everything back into that metaphorical cupboard x

 

[Emmelina Ball]

I’ve been hearing scratching some nights in my ceiling, but only when my upstairs neighbours are out/asleep. I’ve a severe hoarding problem, and thanks to my selfish upstairs neighbours can’t even get rid of few things I did before (they’re filling the waste bins literally after theyre collected - there’s several in property and none of us can put stuff in them). I’m really struggling today, lot of tears and fears about hoarding and having lost benefits so no electric. I overheard someone saying it must be rats because of me being so filthy and lazy just now is that even possible? It’s sunny but very cold here and still wet from getting caught in storm yesterday. I’m stuck re benefits as Drs don’t believe I’m disabled (everything still telephone only here yet are having meetings saying I must be better as not being seen when I can’t). They’ve already told the dwp I’m better. No one will help as everyone’s assuming I’m a fraud when I’m not. The thing re scratching is they make such a massive racket and jump on/off furniture/trampoline so much the ceiling is bowing and I know there’s no sound proofing and the space is tiny. The neighbours are VERY scary and aggressive so I now barricade myself inside; I can’t talk to them, contacting landlord makes abuse worse (they’ve made fun of my disability).

Hope you’re ok. Sounds like you have a lot going on! You should telephone citizens advice and explain to them what’s been going on with gp and swap and they might be able to sign post you in the direction of getting some help and support with your disability and also about about your bins and scary neighbours! Can you request a second opinion from a GP or an appeal with the dwp? I’m not entirely sure how it works but citizens advice should be able to offer some knowledge. Might be worth contacting the council or whoever is in charge of your bins and explaining that you aren’t able to put your rubbish in because they’re filled again as soon as they’re emptied and see what they suggest. I’m not sure re the rats to be honest but it sounds like your neighbours are just horrible!

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Was out today and hit a little bollard in the car. No damage done thankfully. But received a call this evening to say that I also hit a car. I did stop and take a look around me after I’d hit the bollard and didn’t see any damage done to the car next to it. But they’re claiming it’s on cctv footage and I’ve damaged their back bumper which is a bit strange seeing as I was literally parked next to their car and drove out of the space. Their car was facing the same way. No damage done to my car but this particular person is claiming that my paint is on their car but there’s not even as much as a scrape on mine?? Asked for photos and they won’t send! What do I do

Ignore them. I had somebody leave a note on my car saying I bumped into theirs. Why would I park next to a car that I just bumped? Anyway I ignored it. They contacted my insurers and my insurers told them to do one as they had no evidence it was me.
Bonus was I had a dash cam at the time that also proved I didn’t touch their car. Although my insurers told me it’s not necessary as the other person had to prove I did it.
But be careful if this is a place you park regularly as in my case it was by my gym and my car kept being scratched. Clearly the person who accused me. The police advised me to stop parking there as we couldn’t catch the person

 

[Babysnark]

So, I'm not sure I need advice as such but it isn't a rant either...
I've been separated over a year and am in the process of divorcing. There was abusive behaviour, some physical but mostly mental.

Recently I met someone I found quite attractive. It caught me off guard a bit. I think this person is married anyway so it's a non issue because they are not available.

I also had someone do some DIY this week and found him quite attractive. He is in a similar situation to me, not that it matters.

My issue is that I suddenly don't trust. Even the second guy who has spend some time explain his divorce to my parents who he was also doing some work for.

How can I ever trust what people say? How will I trust that the person I meet is telling the truth? How do I trust my own judgement? It's irrelevant to the two people above because those situations won't develop but I would like to meet someone one day.

Be gentle with yourself as you've been through a lot. The fact you're asking these questions is really good as unfortunately abusers often pick people that have been victims before my ex was mentally abusive which turned physically abusive in the end and it was one of the worst times in my life. My dad was mentally and physically abusive to me as a child/teenager so it made me an easier victim for him I think as it was more normalised when the behaviours started creeping in.

Dating people is going to be super frustrating and fruitless, especially if you go on the apps. At the end of the day all you can try to do is build a life where you are happy being alone, and therefore any man who you meet would have to really add value to be worth your time. This will lead you to being pickier and hopefully weed out anyone with bad intent, although I know this is hard in practise in a society where single women are seen as "less than" and just waiting for a man to come along.

 

[TheGlossy]

Have you written a list of things that cause you to feel anxious? What is it about where you live that makes you feel like that? It’s an interesting observation that you’ve been able to make - sounds like you could be in to something, being unhappy in your home can really unsettle your mental wellbeing.

Thank you for your kind words.

Half the time I don’t know where the anxiety comes from but I think it is related to the fact that my dad died this exact time last year and I’m now associating this city with this negative memory and my social life is non existent and has been since COVID, so I’m constantly in my own head.

I don’t know if I’m being complaisant or if my feelings are justified, but I simply feel I’ll at ease. This week in London I felt alive again for the first time in a long time.

 

[Snippysnips]

Question. Would you expect both your children to be invited to a child’s bday party if they were only 2 years age diff or just the one that’s close in age to the child celebrating their bday?

It depends, were both invited? Or just the one that goes to class/plays with the bday child, if both hang about with the bday child then I'd imagine both could go but if only one did then I wouldn't expect the sibling that doesn't could go

There's two years between me an my brother but we didn't go to each others classmates/friends bdays (even if we knew the friend) this is also the same for my cousin's kids, there are some that's a year apart in age but they don't get invited to the siblings friends/classmates party's

It also depends on the host, if they are putting on a party for their kids bday then I'd assume they wouldn't want siblings of their friends if they didn't hang about/go to class with no matter how close in age they were

 

[littlepup]

Does anyone know how long it takes to get blood results (Full Blood Count, Renal, Thyroid, Liver Function etc..)?

I got my blood drawn on Thursday morning but I haven’t hear anything yet. I’m a bit worried as I still have a lump on my neck that’s been there since late October. I don’t think it’s anything to be worried about but I’m anxious to get some answers as to why I’ve been feeling off.

Have you got the NHS app? They'll appear on there when they come in. I think it's usually around 5 days.
I'm the same at the min with worrying about an undiagnosed heath issue, waiting for appointments and answers so I really feel for you. All this press about the NHS makes the worry worse, if I'm not getting the right service etc. I'm trying to avoid it.

 

[shadowcat5]

Spoiler: Weight

I have recently gained a bit of weight. For about 2.5 years, I worked for a team that worked me to the bone. Long hours and stress led to me barely eating. It took a turn for the worse when my dad died a year ago. I’m 5’1 and went from weighing about 43kg to under 40kg. I wasn’t starving myself intentionally but I was so stressed, I couldn’t eat. I was very thin and I was floating in my clothing.

Fast forward, I left my previous team and tried to stabilize my work/life balance which has led to me eating my three meals properly etc. The issue is now I’m constantly hungry and it seems my body is not satisfied with the food it gets.

This therefore has led to a bit of weight gain which I’m not too fond of. I preferred my body at my lowest weight which I know was not healthy.

I’m not sure how to stop being hungry all the time.

Has anyone experienced this?

Spoiler: TW: Eating disorder talk

I had this when I was in anorexia recovery. It's like I'd restricted for so long my body was absolutely ravenous. I suppose in caveman days (a very specific measurement of time there lol), we'd go ages without food and then probably come into it in reasonable abundance so our bodies adapt quickly maybe? What is it usually that makes you feel full? E.g. for me it's fat, I find that the most satiating. I could eat all the protein and carbs but no fats I'll be hungry a lot faster.

 

[Carapop]

Part rant, part looking for advice.

Everything is so hard lately. I'm naturally quite a neurotic person and find stuff like this hard to deal with.

My husband has had mental health issues for a while (we think CPTSD-based but not sure - still no diagnosis). It's been getting worse and we've been back and forth with the GP with medication that does nothing. Over the past couple of weeks he's been telling me he can't cope, doesn't want to be here anymore. I make medical appointments for him for various reasons which I won't go into. Tried to get an appointment and was told over 2 weeks. Called to say we needed one sooner as he's having crises almost daily. Told to just submit another appointment request online. Got another appointment only to be told they'd already referred to the community mental health team and I was told to call CMHT to chase them. Called CMHT and they said no referral had come through, so I need to speak to GP. Requested another appointment yesterday but have heard nothing. Everything has to be done via this bloody e-consult system which is clearly geared towards physical illnesses and is awful for mental illness or anything that is an ongoing issue. The form takes ages to fill in and asks millions of questions every time. Why is everything always such a palaver?

I'm worried about my husband getting worse and find it hard dealing with the emotional outbursts and trying to talk him down when he's saying he doesn't want to be here, although I know he can't help it. I just want some help for him and also for me. No help from family either side and not viable to ask for help for various reasons. My family don't even know about it as I don't want to break my husband's trust. He doesn't talk to his family so I'm the only support. It's just me and I have nobody to talk to. I feel sick every day at the thought of it getting worse and I'm always on the lookout for things that might trigger a crisis.

On top of this work is stressful, my hours have been increased, all the managers have been sacked because they apparently weren't needed but all that's happened is the managerial duties have been split between non-managers with no appropriate training.

My heart constantly feels like it's racing at 100mph and I'm waking up about 10 times a night so always feeling knackered.

Has anyone been through anything similar? How do you get through difficult periods like this?

I am so so sorry that both you and your hubby are going through this. It can feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. And being at the mercy of the healthcare system is as terrifying as it is frustrating. I am in a similar situation myself right now. You’re not alone. I understand. I have no advice but to just take it one day at a time. Sometimes it’s one hour at a time. Anything more than that can feel overwhelming and it’s not helpful. You are in survival mode now and you just focus on getting yourself through. I don’t know of the services there (I’m in Ireland) but I’m sure there are free helplines where you/hubby can call just to vent? Where you can express your concerns about him without breaking his trust. And he can emotionally unburden himself without always putting it all on your shoulders? Also, while I understand you want to respect his privacy, I really recommend you talk to a trusted manager at work about the situation at home, without going into too much detail, you might be surprised at how supportive workplaces can be. And I’ll keep everything crossed that the doctors sort their shit out for you!

 

[Sw4]

Binned!