The advice thread for random problems #2

[Snippysnips]

I think I might need to quit my job but I'm really really scared. My current boss is a bully, if he has you in his sights he is awful. But if you're not in his sights this is the best job I've ever had.

So I'm torn but I've had physical issues from all the stress plus depression, and it's really hard for me to decide what the right choice is atm.

Are you in the union? Speak to them, otherwise speak to citizens advice, an make sure you ALWAYS have a witness if there's any meetings, never do a meeting without a no bias witness there, also note down everything he's doing an keep a record of it this will be useful for remembering what's happening, bullying at the workplace is unacceptable an he shouldn't be getting away with it or forcing you out a job you like

 

[Sunflower91]

Hi does anyone have any advice please?

My son is currently about to start his gcse's and has chosen music to do in college after he finishes them, my issue is I feel this is a waste of time as he's not guaranteed a job out of it imo I feel really mean in saying so and don't want to hurt his feelings as this is what he wants, he's also not that into music and I feel he's just chosen it as an easy route

Do I just leave him to it hoping he changes his mind or say something? I thought parenting got easier when they got older but seems this is wayyyy more stressful haha

What you do in college doesn’t necessarily have an impact on what you can go on to do. If he wants to go to university, a lot of courses just accept on points. There’s a lot of expectation and pressure for kids to know what they want to do without experiencing anything with a fear of if they don’t make the right decision they’ve messed up.
In a lot of industries, not even the subject of your degree matters. I work in marketing, doing statistics and don’t have a stats degree. I had a Psychology degree and learnt how to spin the things I did into key skills for jobs. When I hire for my team I very rarely look at qualifications anymore.
Leave him with it - if he doesn’t like it or has doubts he’d be more likely open up to you and talk about it or change direction than if he feels like his choice isn’t supported.

 

[Some People!]

My brother has always been a bit strange.. He is very insular and introverted. He gave up work to be a full time dad years ago because he couldn't stand being around people lol.

I don't really have any advice about the holiday, but I did want to share sympathy. My brother is similar. He too is home too much and is very isolated (he'd never agree though) and definitely doesn't get enough social/ general contact with other adults. Especially people not-of-his-choosing, yanno? He only sees people occasionally and then they're only people who aren't going to challenge him at all. He's completely lost the skill of biting his tongue/ nodding politely/ etc. He's become a bit controlling - not in ways you'd really notice, but he's used to running the house, kids, weekend plans, general family narrative/agenda etc, so when something pops up that changes that, he definitely does his best to adjust but I do think it throws him quietly.

TBH I think it's extra weird of your brother since he's not sharing a lodge with your son plus he has his own not insignificant family he'll be busy with - I wonder how he was expecting your 28 year old son to fit into his plans or his perception of how the holiday would go?? Was he expecting his nephew to be in the subtropical swimming paradise for hours with his 3?!

 

[Snippysnips]

Thanks. I'm rather scared for them now. If they get turned away, they're stranded...

I probably wouldn't risk it then if they are going be completly stranded, unfortunately most companys will send in under age to try an see if staff keep up with rules, I know with my company they were always sending in under 18s to try an catch us out if we weren't asking as if we did serve a under 18 it wasn't just our jobs we would be losing it would be jail time we would be looking at as well an we wouldn't have any defense because the first thing they would have asked us was why didn't you ID them

It does suck when you do have mature 17yo's an they want a trip especially in this country when 16 is legal adult age but its all the idiots that have ruined it for others, I know now a ton of places don't even accept groups anymore because some stag an hen parties have ruined it

 

[Kim Mild]

Not really a problem but does anyone have any recommendations for comfy sandals that don't look horrible?.

I'm going on holiday soon and need to find some. Just comfy enough to walk round all day!

Saltwater sandals are really comfy, although they are very flat but they don't rub.

 

[Snippysnips]

Are you leasehold or on a private estate? If so you will have paperwork, likely your lease/title that explains costs you are liable for. It’s unlikely it’s a 10 year thing, who would be covering the costs after 10 years?

You are legally entitled to request copies of the invoices, contacts etc. Contact who sends the bill and raise it will them.

It's a private estate an we own the home, but my understanding was that it was only going to he covered 10 years then it would be up to us to maintain it, one of the gardens is at the side of my house so I'd have no problem looking after it, I'll look into requesting the invoices an such

Do you have access to your deeds and the housing company contract?

It's all with the lawyer for safekeeping but I'll look into getting a copy sent

Tbh am more mad they are starting to send out extra bills for things like plants when they have never been seen, an it's always obvious when they are here because they park their vans all over the place an leave them

 

[Purrrrrrr]

Hi all, my boiler has currently broke so no heating and the windows are so so bad with condensation, does anyone know the best way to help with this whilst I have no heating?

Wipe the condensation off and have the windows cracked open a tiny bit

My car gets condensation on in the winter and I have little organza bags filled with crystal style cat littler on my dashboard and it stops it

 

[littlepup]

Has anyone tried natural deodorant? A couple of the mums at my playgroup are saying it’s incredible, but I sweat A LOT and at one point had to have prescription deodorant. If you have tried it which one?

I’m same as you and it’s shite. I’ve tried Wild and also a crystal one. Wild smells nice but it doesn’t stop sweating and I think it smells so strong to mask that because by evening a BO smell would be starting to develop.

In everyday, non specialist ones I find Mitchum stick the best. I’ve heard great things about Vichy but it’s expensive so I’ve not tried it.

 

[Snippysnips]

I have a really daft problem

I now have a cleaner helper and right now she is in my garden tidying it and making it look nice after all the plants dying and leaves falling ETC
I am suffering so much anxiety, how do people just sit there when others are doing work for them? She isn't even in the house and I'm stressed that I'm sitting and doing nothing while she is working hard. How on earth will I cope when she is in the house doing the cleaning?

I have had a cleaner helper before but we worked together and it was great but I can't do physical work anymore and it's killing me.

I once did some cleaning jobs to supplement my carer pay and didnt give it thought that people were sitting chatting with a friend or watching TV while I was cleaning .. I want to be able to do that but feel like I can't breath






I feel like a right nob sitting here so stressed.

Is there something you can do that will make it feel you aren't just sitting there, like work on a laptop with emails or some paperwork you need to catch up on, just something that you've been meaning to catch up on

I've never had someone in doing cleaning but I do get a bit uncomfortable an awkward when someone's in like the boiler guy since he can take a while an I feel like a spare part just sitting there so I'll usually catch up on sorting the mail out or if there's emails needed dealt with etc

 

[Lalla]

Honestly though what's the point in asking? They had something that smelt of garlic. What I don't get is why ask, what difference was the answer going to make to the outcome other than making the guest feel awkward?

I've got children a similar age, and they often have girlfriends/ friends here. The only things I ever comment on are noise and even then I'll ask my son to come to the kitchen to speak to me, I don't go down shouting that they're making too much noise/ waking the neighbours, instead I have a word with my son and let him get everyone to quieten down.

 

[Snippysnips]

Not a problem but some advice would be much appreciated. What would you wear to your partner’s (milestone) birthday celebration with friends, family & disco but really just a piss up in the local pub’s function room? I could get away with jeans and a nice top but I’d to make an effort, without going over glam or formal.
Age range mid-late 30s, size 12-14.

I'd probably wear a nice top (maybe a bit glitter or stones etc on it) with black jeans (probably skinny) an heels, the jeans tone down the heels an formal top a little so it's not super dressy an the heels an top stop it feeling full casual, am same age range

 

[TheGlossy]

It’s not a problem per se but here goes.

I live in Dublin and traveled to London to work from here for a week. For the past year or so, I have been in a constant state of anxiety / panic sometimes for valid reasons, sometimes for no reason. I’ve also had weird bursts of paralyzing anxiety.

The few times I have not experienced anxiety this year were when traveling or away from home. This week in London, I had a lot of stress at work but zero anxiety. I felt like myself again. My OCD has been quasi non existent (when it’s super debilitating at home). It’s been so non existent that I forgot things in various places and didn’t care because I felt relaxed.

I’m now wondering if all the anxiety is driven by where I live and maybe a change of scenery will help me regain my mental health. This week was the first time I’ve felt like my old self in a long time. Carefree, no anxiety, no OCD.

I flying home tomorrow and I now have a pit in my stomach at the thought of my anxiety kicking in again. I’m now wondering if I should think of moving in a year’s time or so.

 

[Snowjoke]

I saw a reel on Instagram and they used miceller water to get stains out of suede shoes. I thought of this question immediately

Thank you for thinking of me

 

[TheGlossy]

Yesterday, someone made a informal offer on my laptop for €50 then when submitting the formal offer, they submitted for €70 which was the original asking price.

I was under the impression they’d but it for €70. We were meant to meet this morning. I emailed them to confirm they were purchasing for €70 and they said no, they were buying for €50 per the informal offer.

I ended up cancelling the sale as I go by the formal offer on the website. They’ve since sent me 10 messages saying this is not on and how I was coercing then into giving me more money! They keep sending me messages saying I’ve wasted their time blah blah (as if mine wasn’t wasted).

I’ve had nothing but positive feedbacks on this platform and this person won’t shut up. I’ve apologized twice for the misunderstanding etc, but they won’t stop messaging me.

Honestly.

 

[Purrrrrrr]

So, I have a question...
It's a mental health thing I think.

The way I process traumatic events has always been a bit odd (I suspect I'm neurodiverse).

I've had a really difficult year and don't get much time to myself. I'm finding that my mind drifts to events in the past that have been difficult at random times. I sort of live it for a bit and then am able to pull myself out of it.

I had quite a big issue with what I think were flashbacks when an ex partner died in 2020 but I understood why they were happening and was able to move past them.

The way I process things has always been a bit weird in that things build and then suddenly everything comes out at once.

The time a lot of my emotions seep out is driving to work. I think because it's the only time I have to myself to let it out.

I'm watching Cliff on bbc2 and it's brought up so many feelings about my childhood. The best way to describe it is like some sort of freeze frame shots, like they do when someone dies. Does that make sense? Like a movie but of static photos playing through my mind.

When I feel emotion, it's like I'm having to relive every single thing I've experienced that is vaguely connected again at the same time.

I'm having counselling, although it's early days but is there something I should be flagging to her? How do I approach all this stuff that my mind is doing?

I have found counselling amazing. Before I only had NHS or MIND and it was pretty useless as it ended before I even relaxed into it.
I now have open-ended non-NHS counselling supplemented by charity ( I pay £15 ) and the difference is chalk and cheese.

At first, I was all over the place jumping from one thing to another ( mostly the trivial stuff and not the important stuff) but now I have relaxed into it and I can sort things in my mind so much better, we can go forwards and backwards as much as I like. just talking really sorts that shit out in your own head and you find your own solutions.

 

[Kim Mild]

Nope. We’ve not even kissed!! The very first time I met him, it was to go round and have sex but I got there and we stayed up all night talking. No kissing, nothing. We then spent time again in the pub with my friends. Still nothing. Then I went round to his and we had the chat and I asked why we didn’t have sex. And he said it’s cause he was enjoying my company too much and didn’t want to treat me like a hookup. And I responded and I basically said can we be friends as I’m in the market for friends and I’m terrible after I’ve had sex with someone and I don’t want to lose what we had. And that’s it really. So I shouldn’t be sad but I am. Cause I’m worried this is the beginning of the end our friendship.

Men in Relationships don't usually make good , reliable friends for women . I think you are just going to have to end up disappointed and have him as an acquaintance.

I kind of understand this disappointed feeling, as I was meeting new people, and even though sometimes male / female people get on it seems friendship doesn't form if someone isn't single.

 

[Slaybutter]

Have I been rude?
My daughter 23 is currently downstairs with her boyfriend of a few months watching TV. I went down to get a drink from the kitchen.. She shouted through to me coukd I come to help with the TV.. I said I couldn't.. (I had no bra on lol.. Was only running into kitchen) the house literally stunk of a v strong garlic smell.. I knew they had had food delivered earlier.. So I called through to her asking what the smell was.. Saying its really strong garlic.. They both answered that they didn't have garlic... So I asked what they had ordered as it wS really strong smell.. She said chicken strips!
So I went back up to my room and mi utes later I get a barrage of texts from her saying iam rude and embarrassed myself and her.. That I shouldn't act that way in front of a guest.. That usually she would bite my head off but she wanted to play it down to her boyfriend.. Etc etc.
So now iam sitting upstairs wondering if I was rude? I didn't say it in a mean way or anything.. I was just asking.
She said what if he tells people what it's like here? What does that even mean?
All because I asked about the garlic smell?
I felt like I can't trust my own judgement anymore?

I think the comment was a bit of a mood killer. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were in her shoes and someone came by and commented the same things. It puts a big damper on the date.

 

[shadowcat5]

You sound pretty kick ass to me

oh thank you so much

 

[GiggleBee]

Does anyone know how long it takes to get blood results (Full Blood Count, Renal, Thyroid, Liver Function etc..)?

I got my blood drawn on Thursday morning but I haven’t hear anything yet. I’m a bit worried as I still have a lump on my neck that’s been there since late October. I don’t think it’s anything to be worried about but I’m anxious to get some answers as to why I’ve been feeling off.

I would assume your doctors would have them monday or Tuesday.

My own query, how would you distance yourself from a friend when you also have mutual friends and tend to 'hang out' quite a bit.

They are really playing with my mental health. Moan I don't do anything with her child, when I take the mutual friends child out quite alot but whenever I suggest anything Im always turned down or never given a full answer. My mutual friend is now stopping me taking her child out because the other friend keeps complaing.

She hides things constantly from me, always wants to know the ins and outs of my life though. Its mentally draining being her friend. Its very obvious she prefers the mutual friend, to the point I wonder if she even fancies her. Theres alot of jealousy from her whenever I go out alone with the mutual friend.

Im exhusted from it all. I want to stay friends with the mutual but I need to distance myself from the other friend to protect me. I worry noone will understand, Ill look like the bad guy and end up losing everyone.

 

[littlepup]

I was mortified after being told my baby had a good set of lungs at night.

I would have preferred to feel furious at their ignorance but personally I had a bit of depression and felt like it was my fault my baby was screaming...I felt like a massive failure.

Broken sleep is hell though, so I do feel for the poster. As you say, nothing can be done and it's a case of 'riding it out'.

I’m really sorry to hear you were made to feel that way and I can understand why, just my personal reaction would have been anger.
I’d be like, “honestly what do you want me to do, because you’re not sleeping I’ll try smothering them? Not as though the baby’s distress is my absolute priority not to mention my own and partner’s lack of sleep. Now I’ve got to think of the neighbours”

Even if the family are trying to let the baby cry it out it’s their prerogative within their own home.
OP needs to get some ear plugs and maybe think about checking on the neighbours who could be really struggling. Perhaps reassure them that they are understanding. Unless the neighbours are awful, neglectful parents who aren’t attending to their baby I can guarantee there’s nothing they’d love more than the baby not to cry, especially at night.