The advice thread for random problems #2

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

This is really random but I need anonymous help! Today I was trying to get my son’s attention at his grandparents and I snapped my fingers at him. My mother went BAT CRAP CRAZY. Told me never to do that in her house again. Look I’m autistic and have ADHD but surely I haven’t missed some massive social thing here? I never snap my fingers at a waiter or similar- I know that’s rude. But I was just making a noise for attention, because he wasn’t listening to his name being called. I can’t stop thinking about it and trying to work out what I did wrong. I work with kids and do this to get their attention also if repeating their name is ineffective so I’m really nervous now I’ve been making a huge social mistake.

I don't think you've been making a social mistake. You've explained you only do in certain circumstances and wouldn't do it in a rude way. I do the same to my kids sometimes when they are absorbed in something and calling their name doesn't work.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Where do people go after escaping the finance industry (that doesn't involve taking a pay cut)???

Software. So much money in it.

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

Not quite sure why you would want to set up a account if you have no interest, tbh wouldn't you just be wasting whoevers time if they messaged you?

Not to be offensive but 32 seems to be a bit old to be messing with people, I can't see someone that age being particularly happy they are being messed with just because you want the app but dont care about dating if you are talking with them I'd think the majority that that's age that's on these apps are probably hoping to get serious

Have you been on the apps? There are plenty on men on there that waste your time that aren’t interested at all different ages. They just want the ego boost.
It’s painful. (I’m not having a go, incase it comes across that way)
Yesterday I matched with a 36 year old. He extended the match so I had 48 hours to send the message. I messaged him, he replied. I replied back to him and this morning he’s deleted the match

 

[barmcake]

To echo @Purrrrrrr if she is his wife, then she has more authority than you do as sibling.

Under intestacy laws she is next of kin and you are behind her, then any kids he has, then his parents and then it comes to you.

I understand there may be tension there but she has lost her husband?? Cut her a bit of slack regardless of how much you may dislike her.

I think you need to back up and let her get on with things. Because as Purrrrrrr says she could easily completely cut you out.

Sorry HoGi, I made a mistake. She's the wife of my elder brother. The brother that is deceased was a life-long bachelor. Thank you so much for getting back to me.

 

[tomato_paste]

Looks like they charge fees from 18 months of purchase date: https://faqs.one4all.com/article/298-fees

I find that ridiculous but I guess thats how they make money off ya in addition to what they charge retailers. Whatever happened to just giving people some cash in an envelope with a nice card?

 

[littlepup]

Just a quick question. I booked and paid for a treatment for my sister on Thursday at 2pm- ish They have a strict 48hour cancellation policy. They are normally closed on mondays + saturdays. She tried to call them today to cancel as she got offered a work shift which she accepted, but they are unexpectedly closed. I told her to email them today. What are the chances they will give a refund?

She is upset about it but I told her it didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. Their usual deposit is 50% but I asked if I could pay in full as it's our usual place and I didn't want her to worry about paying.

If they're closed so you're unable to cancel, it's not your problem, I'd argue that. Message their face book page or email an you've done your part. My dentist requires 24 hours but leaving an answerphone message counts.

 

[shadowcat5]

This isn’t serious so please don’t worry but I was wondering how do you pick a private doctor to do a general health check and is one even possible? Our 1 year old seems to be picking up lots of colds and coughs from nursery which I know is normal but sometimes his breathing sounds really heavy and we have members of family on both side with asthma. He recovers from the colds fine but the breathing randomly just happens and this started maybe at a month old but GP at the time said it’s nothing to worry about. He had bronchiolitis a few weeks ago and it wasn’t serious so A&E didn’t keep him in but it’s louder now. Other than this he’s completely healthy. Our family have also said we should just pay and ask for a general check.

not private but you can take him the pharmacy to be checked over too. Not sure if all do but I know my local one has a guy who is like more trained than a normal pharmacist and as a result can diagnose things like chest infections and sort out eczema and minor ailment type stuff.

 

[Mamacita]

Spoiler: Weight

I have recently gained a bit of weight. For about 2.5 years, I worked for a team that worked me to the bone. Long hours and stress led to me barely eating. It took a turn for the worse when my dad died a year ago. I’m 5’1 and went from weighing about 43kg to under 40kg. I wasn’t starving myself intentionally but I was so stressed, I couldn’t eat. I was very thin and I was floating in my clothing.

Fast forward, I left my previous team and tried to stabilize my work/life balance which has led to me eating my three meals properly etc. The issue is now I’m constantly hungry and it seems my body is not satisfied with the food it gets.

This therefore has led to a bit of weight gain which I’m not too fond of. I preferred my body at my lowest weight which I know was not healthy.

I’m not sure how to stop being hungry all the time.

Has anyone experienced this?

Spoiler: Spoiler

Yes, it is normal for you to be hungry after a period of restricting food (I know it wasn't on purpose for you). Your metabolism is ramping up. Our bodies evolved to want to put on weight. So after a period of less food your body is primed to put on weight which is why you've put some on (think bodybuilders after a show where they get extremely lean. After the show when they reverse diet, they put some fat back on). When you eat around your maintenance calories for a while your hunger should reduce but it might take time. Just try to be mindful and not overeat massively but don't try to restrict and lose weight until your hunger goes away. Your weight should stabilise and you'll be your normal weight/even lose a little bit

 

[Snippysnips]

Have you been on the apps? There are plenty on men on there that waste your time that aren’t interested at all different ages. They just want the ego boost.
It’s painful. (I’m not having a go, incase it comes across that way)
Yesterday I matched with a 36 year old. He extended the match so I had 48 hours to send the message. I messaged him, he replied. I replied back to him and this morning he’s deleted the match

I know, that's why am not sure why someone would want a app to do just that but who knows maybe people just enjoy that sort of thing I like you wouldn't be happy having my time wasted

Just looking for a bit of perspective… Had an argument with the other half last night (one of a few) because I didn’t like what he was doing and he refuses to stop and says there’s nothing wrong with it. So basically, he will sit on the couch with his balls and other parts hanging out his shorts and be playing with them (not just readjusting, literally stroking and pulling on them). It really winds me up as I find it quite disrespectful and needless, especially when I am eating my tea. He says it’s normal and what every man does, yet agrees he wouldn’t be doing it in front of anyone else or at work etc. Would anyone else find this gross and a bit disrespectful, especially when you have asked them to stop, or am I just being uptight? It really gives me the ick.

I agree it would be disrespectful, especially if you have asked him to stop, I know guys have the odd scratch down there but I've never known any guy to do that so I doupt it's a "most men" problem, I wouldn't be happy either

Is it just out of boredom he's doing it? Or to wind you up? Or another reason, maybe sit him down an talk an find out why he's doing it, but unfortunately if he's not going to listen can you maybe have dinner in the kitchen? It's maybe not ideal but maybe if you keep walking out the room he will get the message

 

[Snippysnips]

Sorry I didn't see your reply earlier.

Yeah when I first started we discussed times before I signed up and we agreed two 7am sessions a week, I think I probably got three of these. She just put people in her diary as and when where as my friend goes to a PT at another gym and gets the same slot each week. I tended to move things around to try and get her in but I am beyond that now.

I spoke to her over Christmas as said work have asked me to start earlier and could she do 6pm once week, and it wasn't a problem but as yet she has not made it.

I think her other clients like it as they don't pay the club premium, but it means I can't even move to someone else or raise it with them. She spends most of the time moaning about the job, and he newest boyfriend.

I think I need to see her as someone I have 'employed'. I know she doesn't get paid that well and I think she's taken on too many clients to sub her income. I just need to work out how to say it!

I think I'd be doing the same as @littlepup said, putting in a complaint an getting my money back, even managers have area or head office managers

She really sounds unprofessional with the job, you aren't there to hear her complaints about her job an new bf, your a client that's paid for a service that she's not giving you, it isn't your fault she doesn't like the job nor is it your fault she's taken on too many people, or that she isn't paid well

She's obviously messing around because she doesn't like the job an your the one that's essentially missing out an losing your money

 

[NordieGal]

Some great advice here. I don't have the experience from a partner to partner perspective, but my mother is a recovering, functioning alcoholic who hit some real lows before admitting she needed help. She realised AA was the best place for her and the group support has been life changing for her. She still has days where she misses drink, but reminds herself of how far she's come and she doesn't want to fall back into the rut she was in for a long time.
I really hope you can have a good heart to heart with your partner and help him make some positive changes

 

[Snowjoke]

I would think it could be the seal around the door? Ours started to crack and perish - you can buy replacements online and get someone to fit it. (Although for about a year I just put a towel down under the door to catch the drips).

Thank you so much! Will look into this, don’t fancy getting a new one before Christmas lol thanks

 

[Rxt156]

Quoting myself to say- now that I’ve sobered up a bit and can remember a bit more, I don’t think we were spiked and this was probably more due to lack of food and the fact neither of us have drank that heavily for a while. Still can’t believe I let myself get into such a state though!

Glad you are sobering up now. I have had a few nights where I just get carried away with mates and once you’re chatting you don’t quite reload how much you’re drinking. Then you go outside get fresh air and boom it’s like your drunk level doubles . I’ve only been like that about twice and I always make sure I am very careful in future coz it’s horrible when you don’t know what’s going on and can’t remember what happened

 

[petitspois]

This is a bit of a long story, I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

I've got a friend I've known a long time. We've been less close in the last few years because I got fed up with her, she has various issues that she won't seek help with which result in people having to run round after her, but you don't even get a thank you. Anyhow, last year she reached out and I took this at face value (but subsequently realised it was because she needed a favour from me! Once I'd done that I barely heard from her). Then I split with my partner, and trying to keep myself busy I offered to visit her (she lives about an hour away but doesn't drive - I said I'd drive down and we could have a day out - she doesn't work). She said I could, but her new bloke (who I'd met once for 10 mins) would have to come too. I didn't reply and not spoken to her since.

I've now heard from a mutual friend who saw her last month and said she had facial injuries (black eyes/ missing teeth). She claimed she'd fallen over, however the mutual friend (who jumps to the worst possible conclusion) didn't think this added up, and was concerned this was evidence of abuse. A different mutual friend who has met the new bloke more than me doesn't think there's anything to worry about as he doesn't seem the type (but then who does?). I initially agreed, also because friend does sometimes have a few too many so a fall when drunk was quite possible. Then I thought about her insisting that the bloke came out for the day with us, and wondered if that could have been controlling behaviour? Then again they don't live together, he also doesn't work so he's not financially supporting her or anything. Just not sure if there's anything to be worried about - or even if we contacted her if she'd tell us if there was.

The last part I should mention is that I was in a relationship where I experienced verbal abuse (as well as some violence/ threats though not much thankfully) for years and she and all my friends knew and did nothing about it, and never once tried to help me.

TLDR friend I'm not closely in contact with has injuries which may be DA, might not, what should we do if anything?

Blunt but I can't see what you can do really. As you live away and aren't close you can only visit now and then. In those visits it's just not going to be possible for you to have a conversation where the scales fall from her eyes. She's not likely to confide in you. I would probably raise the possibility of it being an abusive relationship with the mutual friends and see what they say/suggest.

Other than that, you could possibly write her a letter maybe. Again, she seems like someone who is going to need considerable support to end up being someone in healthy relationships who can hold down a job.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

 

[Codiaeum]

Thanks, I'll make another appointment an see what can be done, hopefully since mental health is taking more serious now than it used to it might make a difference

I know someone who got breast reduction surgery mostly for psychological reasons and it was paid for by her insurance. Mind, I'm in Germany, so the system works a bit differently here. She cited a couple of things that made her want to have the surgery for years, like not being able to have a fulfilling sex life as it really affected her confidence, anxiety, etc. I think she had to go to several sessions with a therapist until she got the approval.

 

[stardust1]

ideally sticking to black, grey, navy or brown (so they go with all my work clothes lol!)

my sister is on her feet a lot at work and wears these Skechers Billion - Subtle Spots Black 155616 BBK

she said they are comfy whilst looking nice

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Yeah, I know it might work against me, but I honestly don’t know how I’ll be able to manage presenting this without getting sick. I get physically paralyzed at the idea.

I don’t even have any pictures of myself on a hike or walking because I’ve no friends or family to take pictures of me.

You could use stock pictures of places you’ve been? Some pictures of you from when you were younger in places you liked? If the idea of actually standing up and doing it worries you could you be creative? Make the PowerPoint with a voiceover, or do it all as a PowerPoint with no speaking. Insert voice clips to explain yourself?

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

The thing is trust has to be earnt. It's not automatically given. I do not trust easily either. Given your background I would suggest therapy. If that's not possible at the moment taking sometime out just to work on yourself and building up your self esteem up again would be vital before you get involved with anyone. Trusting yourself I think would come with loving and forgiving yourself for the choices you have made. All relationships involve risk. It's okay to take things slow and at your pace.

I'm having some counselling at the moment.
I'm definitely not about to start dating again, it's just these feelings have made me overthink things.

 

[littlepup]

Thinking of you @Carapop, and your Mum x

 

[no-no]

Does anyone take gut supplements? I hear people rave about Symprove but I’m not paying that would an everyday BioAcidophilus suffice? I drink a daily can of Remedy kombucha.