Support for anyone that needs to vent #4

[really_whythough]

The problem is no matter how I approach it she doesn’t ever see the wrong she see’s everyone is jealous of her being happy I went through it before advising her about a boy she didn’t listen ended in a row that I was jealous I distanced myself moved on she got back in touch gave her a chance some of the things she said were very hurtful but I forgave that I don’t know if I could go through it all again to end up being the baddy she can be very manipulative

I mean, obviously it’s not up to you to control her or save her or be in charge of her life. Nobody is perfect but also what you saw on holiday sounds like serious domestic abuse and no-one deserves that.

If you are worried enough to be writing here you obviously care, even after what you’ve been through. Hopefully her family care also? Can you seek their opinion and assistance perhaps?

Keep yourself safe though and I hope it’s not too distressing. She’s lucky to have a true friend like you.

 

[gossqueen1989]

I mean, obviously it’s not up to you to control her or save her or be in charge of her life. Nobody is perfect but also what you saw on holiday sounds like serious domestic abuse and no-one deserves that.

If you are worried enough to be writing here you obviously care, even after what you’ve been through. Hopefully her family care also? Can you seek their opinion and assistance perhaps?

Keep yourself safe though and I hope it’s not too distressing. She’s lucky to have a true friend like you.

Thank you for advice

 

[really_whythough]

Thank you for advice

I just read about a thing called ‘Claire’s Law’ which means partners can request information about any history of Domestic Violence. Could be worth looking into?
Hope it’s not weighing too heavily on you still.

 

[gossqueen1989]

I just read about a thing called ‘Claire’s Law’ which means partners can request information about any history of Domestic Violence. Could be worth looking into?
Hope it’s not weighing too heavily on you still.

I spoke to few mutual friends, had a call from my friend claiming I was trying to ruin her big day and there’s a reason I wasn’t to be at the wedding… slandering her husband to be. The friends I spoke to haven’t been socialising in their company it’s just a quick hello if they happen to see at shop so they have never witnessed anything but are miffed at the fact none of us were invited but acquaintances that she didn’t get on with are invited I didn’t know this. I haven’t been great since speaking to my friend there’s nothing more I can say as she had threatened he will take it legal if he hears anything more, all I did was tell the mutual friend what had happened on holiday and some events that’s is questionable about messages being ignored and muted that she didn’t know about.

 

[really_whythough]

I spoke to few mutual friends, had a call from my friend claiming I was trying to ruin her big day and there’s a reason I wasn’t to be at the wedding… slandering her husband to be. The friends I spoke to haven’t been socialising in their company it’s just a quick hello if they happen to see at shop so they have never witnessed anything but are miffed at the fact none of us were invited but acquaintances that she didn’t get on with are invited I didn’t know this. I haven’t been great since speaking to my friend there’s nothing more I can say as she had threatened he will take it legal if he hears anything more, all I did was tell the mutual friend what had happened on holiday and some events that’s is questionable about messages being ignored and muted that she didn’t know about.

You’ve done your best. The rest is up to her. Well done and I hope you and the other friends can move on and that she’s not in danger, just delusion!

 

[gossqueen1989]

You’ve done your best. The rest is up to her. Well done and I hope you and the other friends can move on and that she’s not in danger, just delusion!

Thank you, I’ll always be there for her

 

[princessmaire80]

I have a really trivial problem compared to some on here but I could do with a bit of impartial advice.
I have a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. Due to this I don’t see her much. She has no family so I’m her next of kin as well.
Recently she’s met a new partner. Things have been a little rocky but they seem okay at the moment. I have met this new partner and neither of us have any issues with the other, all good there.
It’s my friend’s birthday next month and before she met her partner we had arranged that we would go to a sporting fixture together, and that I would pay for the hotel, drinks and dinner as a birthday gift (the ticket is free as I’m a wheelchair user and so she goes free as my companion) This is a rare treat for friend as she is unable to work due to severe disability, so she doesn’t have a lot of cash. I am also severely disabled but lucky enough that I can still work.
However she was due to see her partner the weekend of this fixture, and was intending to get the train over the day after our evening out. But partner has now said they want to come and sit in the hotel room and wait for us to come back (we need separate rooms due to our respective medical conditions)
Now I know that it’s not going to work like that, and also would I be completely unreasonable by saying right, if she’s going to come and sit in the room, she can pay towards it as I’m paying for my friend not for her?! She is working, she has a good job and is not short of cash so it won’t be an issue for her. There’s no chance that the partner could come to the sporting fixture but I have a feeling that the night will be cut short as said partner will start whinging (she’s got a lot of form for this) I would feel bad for my friend as it’s supposed to be her birthday celebration.
Do I a) put my foot down entirely and say no, if she comes I don’t;
B) say okay fine whatever but if she comes she can contribute towards the room;
C) just do nothing? I don’t know if I’m being totally unreasonable but I object to paying out loads of money to feel like a gooseberry, especially when originally my friend agreed totally to tell her she couldn’t come. And also it’s going to be at least 4-5 months before I get to see my friend again.
Advice would be appreciated!

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I have a really trivial problem compared to some on here but I could do with a bit of impartial advice.
I have a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. Due to this I don’t see her much. She has no family so I’m her next of kin as well.
Recently she’s met a new partner. Things have been a little rocky but they seem okay at the moment. I have met this new partner and neither of us have any issues with the other, all good there.
It’s my friend’s birthday next month and before she met her partner we had arranged that we would go to a sporting fixture together, and that I would pay for the hotel, drinks and dinner as a birthday gift (the ticket is free as I’m a wheelchair user and so she goes free as my companion) This is a rare treat for friend as she is unable to work due to severe disability, so she doesn’t have a lot of cash. I am also severely disabled but lucky enough that I can still work.
However she was due to see her partner the weekend of this fixture, and was intending to get the train over the day after our evening out. But partner has now said they want to come and sit in the hotel room and wait for us to come back (we need separate rooms due to our respective medical conditions)
Now I know that it’s not going to work like that, and also would I be completely unreasonable by saying right, if she’s going to come and sit in the room, she can pay towards it as I’m paying for my friend not for her?! She is working, she has a good job and is not short of cash so it won’t be an issue for her. There’s no chance that the partner could come to the sporting fixture but I have a feeling that the night will be cut short as said partner will start whinging (she’s got a lot of form for this) I would feel bad for my friend as it’s supposed to be her birthday celebration.
Do I a) put my foot down entirely and say no, if she comes I don’t;
B) say okay fine whatever but if she comes she can contribute towards the room;
C) just do nothing? I don’t know if I’m being totally unreasonable but I object to paying out loads of money to feel like a gooseberry, especially when originally my friend agreed totally to tell her she couldn’t come. And also it’s going to be at least 4-5 months before I get to see my friend again.
Advice would be appreciated!

I would say no the partner is not welcome. Offer to tell the partner yourself if friend is finding it too hard.
I’ve made the mistake in the past of letting a friend bring a partner that weren’t invited and he just took over. Never again

 

[MacPishFlaps]

I have a really trivial problem compared to some on here but I could do with a bit of impartial advice.
I have a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. Due to this I don’t see her much. She has no family so I’m her next of kin as well.
Recently she’s met a new partner. Things have been a little rocky but they seem okay at the moment. I have met this new partner and neither of us have any issues with the other, all good there.
It’s my friend’s birthday next month and before she met her partner we had arranged that we would go to a sporting fixture together, and that I would pay for the hotel, drinks and dinner as a birthday gift (the ticket is free as I’m a wheelchair user and so she goes free as my companion) This is a rare treat for friend as she is unable to work due to severe disability, so she doesn’t have a lot of cash. I am also severely disabled but lucky enough that I can still work.
However she was due to see her partner the weekend of this fixture, and was intending to get the train over the day after our evening out. But partner has now said they want to come and sit in the hotel room and wait for us to come back (we need separate rooms due to our respective medical conditions)
Now I know that it’s not going to work like that, and also would I be completely unreasonable by saying right, if she’s going to come and sit in the room, she can pay towards it as I’m paying for my friend not for her?! She is working, she has a good job and is not short of cash so it won’t be an issue for her. There’s no chance that the partner could come to the sporting fixture but I have a feeling that the night will be cut short as said partner will start whinging (she’s got a lot of form for this) I would feel bad for my friend as it’s supposed to be her birthday celebration.
Do I a) put my foot down entirely and say no, if she comes I don’t;
B) say okay fine whatever but if she comes she can contribute towards the room;
C) just do nothing? I don’t know if I’m being totally unreasonable but I object to paying out loads of money to feel like a gooseberry, especially when originally my friend agreed totally to tell her she couldn’t come. And also it’s going to be at least 4-5 months before I get to see my friend again.
Advice would be appreciated!

You sound like a lovely friend

I think it's totally unacceptable for the partner to come along and you are well within your rights to say so.

 

[gossqueen1989]

I have a really trivial problem compared to some on here but I could do with a bit of impartial advice.
I have a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. Due to this I don’t see her much. She has no family so I’m her next of kin as well.
Recently she’s met a new partner. Things have been a little rocky but they seem okay at the moment. I have met this new partner and neither of us have any issues with the other, all good there.
It’s my friend’s birthday next month and before she met her partner we had arranged that we would go to a sporting fixture together, and that I would pay for the hotel, drinks and dinner as a birthday gift (the ticket is free as I’m a wheelchair user and so she goes free as my companion) This is a rare treat for friend as she is unable to work due to severe disability, so she doesn’t have a lot of cash. I am also severely disabled but lucky enough that I can still work.
However she was due to see her partner the weekend of this fixture, and was intending to get the train over the day after our evening out. But partner has now said they want to come and sit in the hotel room and wait for us to come back (we need separate rooms due to our respective medical conditions)
Now I know that it’s not going to work like that, and also would I be completely unreasonable by saying right, if she’s going to come and sit in the room, she can pay towards it as I’m paying for my friend not for her?! She is working, she has a good job and is not short of cash so it won’t be an issue for her. There’s no chance that the partner could come to the sporting fixture but I have a feeling that the night will be cut short as said partner will start whinging (she’s got a lot of form for this) I would feel bad for my friend as it’s supposed to be her birthday celebration.
Do I a) put my foot down entirely and say no, if she comes I don’t;
B) say okay fine whatever but if she comes she can contribute towards the room;
C) just do nothing? I don’t know if I’m being totally unreasonable but I object to paying out loads of money to feel like a gooseberry, especially when originally my friend agreed totally to tell her she couldn’t come. And also it’s going to be at least 4-5 months before I get to see my friend again.
Advice would be appreciated!

This was planned originally as you and your friend seeing as you don’t see each other often I’m sure she would understand that it’s quality time with a friend and to say to her partner that. I hope you get sorted

 

[cuttle90]

I haven't read the thread(s) but I will, I need to vent about something that's relatively trivial but had pissed me off today.

I took Wed-Fri. Mon-Wed off work. I told no one I'm off this week now that the kids are back at school as i just wanted a chilled break... for some context - I work in a high pressure environment, +45 hours per week in a corporate role. Have 3 children. Split up from my narcissistic controlling and emotionally abusive husband in July last year when I snapped and told him to get out and he's never been back since. We are attempting co parenting by which he has the kids 1 night per week and I have them the other 6. I'm going through some health stuff at the minute where they've found a 10cm growth in my uterus, thankfully it's benign but needs hormone therapy to reduce it for 5 to 6 months before it can be operated on, thankfully I'm fortunate enough to have private health care and therefore on a list for an MRI scan next week to find out more. So, needless to say there's a lot going on.

Back to the matter in hand today I've done some basic housework after taking the kids to school and then just chilled - ordered lunch in and binge watched a series on TV. Its been great because my life is never like this.
Anyway cue 5pm I get a call from my mum - again I'm trying not to be awful but she says with total panic in her voice - is everything okay, I replied yeah why would it not be. She tells me she passed my house on the way home from work and my car was there. Explained oh I was at work but finished earlier today she said good. Had a whinge about my dad's sister which I told her to get over it and then we ended the call.

Go to pick the children up from their dads. Get questioned about "why haven't you been to work today" from the narcissistic ex - looked at him and said I have been to work. He said well your car was there twice when I passed (there is ZERO need for him to pass my house). Asked him what business of his is it if I've been at work or not. Was told I'm a dick - nice

Then see my eldest daughter, talk to her about latest boy drama (she's 16) and then she says oh mum how come you weren't at work today.

Arrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh I want to scream, I know I'm very possibly overreacting but after being in a controlling relationship for almost 19 years I just want to do what I want to do without being answerable to people

 

[tomato_paste]

I haven't read the thread(s) but I will, I need to vent about something that's relatively trivial but had pissed me off today.

I took Wed-Fri. Mon-Wed off work. I told no one I'm off this week now that the kids are back at school as i just wanted a chilled break... for some context - I work in a high pressure environment, +45 hours per week in a corporate role. Have 3 children. Split up from my narcissistic controlling and emotionally abusive husband in July last year when I snapped and told him to get out and he's never been back since. We are attempting co parenting by which he has the kids 1 night per week and I have them the other 6. I'm going through some health stuff at the minute where they've found a 10cm growth in my uterus, thankfully it's benign but needs hormone therapy to reduce it for 5 to 6 months before it can be operated on, thankfully I'm fortunate enough to have private health care and therefore on a list for an MRI scan next week to find out more. So, needless to say there's a lot going on.

Back to the matter in hand today I've done some basic housework after taking the kids to school and then just chilled - ordered lunch in and binge watched a series on TV. Its been great because my life is never like this.
Anyway cue 5pm I get a call from my mum - again I'm trying not to be awful but she says with total panic in her voice - is everything okay, I replied yeah why would it not be. She tells me she passed my house on the way home from work and my car was there. Explained oh I was at work but finished earlier today she said good. Had a whinge about my dad's sister which I told her to get over it and then we ended the call.

Go to pick the children up from their dads. Get questioned about "why haven't you been to work today" from the narcissistic ex - looked at him and said I have been to work. He said well your car was there twice when I passed (there is ZERO need for him to pass my house). Asked him what business of his is it if I've been at work or not. Was told I'm a dick - nice

Then see my eldest daughter, talk to her about latest boy drama (she's 16) and then she says oh mum how come you weren't at work today.

Arrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh I want to scream, I know I'm very possibly overreacting but after being in a controlling relationship for almost 19 years I just want to do what I want to do without being answerable to people

Looks like you're struggling with boundaries with your mum and the narc, otherwise you'd not feel the need to lie about it. I totally get it btw, sometimes it's just easier to lie about stuff than deal with the demands on your time when people find out you have "free" time. But it's not healthy, you should feel free to say you had the day off and leave it at that - which tells you a lot about how your relationships with them are not great.

Also, like, total overreaction from your mum, and the stalker tit from your ex is creepy AF.

Setting boundaries is something you need to practice just like anything in life; nobody is born a natural boundary setter. Also, healthily adjusted adults aren't mad at you for setting a boundary and will simply accept it. I have narc parents and they're the ones who rail against my boundaries, get angry with me for saying no, try to needle and manipulate me into doing what they want me to do.

You know who doesn't? My well adjusted friends. Yeah, they ask stuff off me as do I off them, but when I'm busy or not in the mood I say "Sorry, that won't work for me" and they say, "cool, maybe next time". And the funny thing is, with narcs you have to be sooooo careful not to JADE (justify, defend, argue, explain). But with my friends I WANT to do that. I tell them honestly why I don't have time - even if it's just because I feel like vegging out on the sofa - and they totally get it and ask me if I'm ok instead.

Mabe writing down your healthy relationships and how they compare to the ones where you feel the need to lie is a good start?

Also, don't be surprised in the future if you find that a lot of the time, your boundaries don't need to be articulated as verociously as you have to with narcs. Regular people don't push and push and push until you explode. It takes time to learn, but you'll get there.

 

[cuttle90]

Looks like you're struggling with boundaries with your mum and the narc, otherwise you'd not feel the need to lie about it. I totally get it btw, sometimes it's just easier to lie about stuff than deal with the demands on your time when people find out you have "free" time. But it's not healthy, you should feel free to say you had the day off and leave it at that - which tells you a lot about how your relationships with them are not great.

Also, like, total overreaction from your mum, and the stalker tit from your ex is creepy AF.

Setting boundaries is something you need to practice just like anything in life; nobody is born a natural boundary setter. Also, healthily adjusted adults aren't mad at you for setting a boundary and will simply accept it. I have narc parents and they're the ones who rail against my boundaries, get angry with me for saying no, try to needle and manipulate me into doing what they want me to do.

You know who doesn't? My well adjusted friends. Yeah, they ask stuff off me as do I off them, but when I'm busy or not in the mood I say "Sorry, that won't work for me" and they say, "cool, maybe next time". And the funny thing is, with narcs you have to be sooooo careful not to JADE (justify, defend, argue, explain). But with my friends I WANT to do that. I tell them honestly why I don't have time - even if it's just because I feel like vegging out on the sofa - and they totally get it and ask me if I'm ok instead.

Mabe writing down your healthy relationships and how they compare to the ones where you feel the need to lie is a good start?

Also, don't be surprised in the future if you find that a lot of the time, your boundaries don't need to be articulated as verociously as you have to with narcs. Regular people don't push and push and push until you explode. It takes time to learn, but you'll get there.

Wow, this is enlightening.
You are so correct - I need to read and re-read and process but thank you so much.

 

[Stressed]

Trying to get some information on the end date of an insurance policy when I can't remember the log in details. Apparently my husband needs to contact them even though its a joint policy. I honestly think the dog knows as much about the policy details as my husband...

 

[TheGlossy]

I haven’t posted on this thread in 1+ years, but today I’ve hit a bit of a wall.

A lot of people said your 30s are better than your 20s, but I’m yet to find this ‘better’.

Ever since my 30s hit, it’s been one struggle after another.

COVID for 2 years, death of a parent and related issues, lost friends, moved from one job that burned me out to another where the environment is toxic in a different way, living chronic anxiety and petrified of making any kind of decision. It’s been 3-4 years of straight up exhaustion.

I just feel every single time I’m trying to move towards a more positive era, I get a set back. I never suffered from anxiety in my 20s but I’m now living with it daily because there’s a different trigger every day.

I’m 33 and still single, still no friends and deeply unhappy and overall tired. I hate to feel this way because I have things some people would love to have, but I can’t help but feel dead inside. The things I have now, I dreamt of as a child, but there’s a hole inside.

I don’t know how to move forward anymore. I feel stuck like a hamster who is doing things on autopilot to keep food and a roof over their head, but ultimately isn’t living.

 

[Forallthoseasking]

My manager and her manager (my old manager) are doing my head in today.

I joined a company while my official line manager was on maternity leave so her manager (Director) was my line manager in that period. I get on well with both and like them personally but they are some of the worst communicators I have ever worked with!

Since line manager has come back, she is involved in everything and preventing people from just talking to each other as all info has to pass through her. She means well but it just ends up with confusion from the Chinese whispers. She is clearly spinning a lot of plates too but just won't let anything go.

Then her manager (director) who used to be quite clear with things and communicative and preaching about openness and how everything is a team effort is now determined to have this distinct layer between her and the rest of the team, via the line manager.

This morning I've shared a big presentation deck for a project I've worked on, it includes supplier terms notes. Apparently I've used to wrong fees structure (I wasn't looped in on an update to the ones I had, and apparently neither had the CFO!) that the director did not agree too, she wanted them cheaper.

Rather than comment on the deck the 3 of us (me, line manager director) are on, she has gone to my line manager who has come to me to ask to help her search for the paper trail of the updated fee structure so she can present back to the director.

I've said no and that I'm too busy with other work to wrap up before the bank hol but this is one of many situations recently and it is doing my nut in!

 

[allthingschocolate]

Really need to rant! I was expecting a delivery today from yodel I had a text today at short notice with a 11-1pm timeframe fortunately I was in but that came and went, tracked the driver he was close to my address hours ago and it said I was next to be delivered to, the online chat thing is crap they cant contact the driver apparently so what’s the point why don’t they communicate if they can’t fulfil your delivery or inform you if they can’t deliver your item on the day they are utter crap! Also I sold something online the guys being an utter twit and has asked me twice if he can change the collection date despite me saying I’m unavailable but he also wanted to collect from me at 9pm at night?! Erm I don’t think so I’m a female and I live alone with my kid and nobody is coming to my door at that time of a night especially not someone I don’t know seriously what is wrong with people

 

[I_mean_reaaaalllly]

I’m drowning…
My mum is currently in a psychiatric hospital after being sectioned 7 months ago with psychosis. Her delusions have always been about me and my family, in particular my children, and are horrible and very vivid. She hears persecutory voices (if my children) calling her names, making fun of her etc… and she gets very angry and hostile towards me as a result.

The medics have ruled out an organic reason for the psychosis and have concluded that it has been brought on by extreme stress and depression - triggered by the greed and lies of my estranged sister and nephews.

I am facing this alone. My husband is wonderful but doesn’t ‘get’ mental health issues. He struggles to understand that even though my mum acknowledges she can’t see anyone there, she is still insistent she can hear them. My children are young teens and have witnessed so much as a result of her rapid decline. I’m worried about the effect this will have on them.

I’m tired of the phone calls accusing my children of stealing her things or defecating on her bed. They occur every time she has leave home for a few hours but then she can’t remember what she has said. I’m frustrated that I’m facing this whilst my sister is away on holiday with her sons on my mums money… long story.

I’m sad for the time we’ve lost and I’m grieving the life I’ve lost. I know my mum won’t ever be the same again and I’m bitter that neither will I.

 

[tomato_paste]

I’m drowning…
My mum is currently in a psychiatric hospital after being sectioned 7 months ago with psychosis. Her delusions have always been about me and my family, in particular my children, and are horrible and very vivid. She hears persecutory voices (if my children) calling her names, making fun of her etc… and she gets very angry and hostile towards me as a result.

The medics have ruled out an organic reason for the psychosis and have concluded that it has been brought on by extreme stress and depression - triggered by the greed and lies of my estranged sister and nephews.

I am facing this alone. My husband is wonderful but doesn’t ‘get’ mental health issues. He struggles to understand that even though my mum acknowledges she can’t see anyone there, she is still insistent she can hear them. My children are young teens and have witnessed so much as a result of her rapid decline. I’m worried about the effect this will have on them.

I’m tired of the phone calls accusing my children of stealing her things or defecating on her bed. They occur every time she has leave home for a few hours but then she can’t remember what she has said. I’m frustrated that I’m facing this whilst my sister is away on holiday with her sons on my mums money… long story.

I’m sad for the time we’ve lost and I’m grieving the life I’ve lost. I know my mum won’t ever be the same again and I’m bitter that neither will I.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and by the sounds of it quite by yourself. It's such a hard place to be in, the anger, the grief, the tiredness, the utter sadness of it all. I'm so so sorry love, sending you tons of hugs if you want them, and strength and a peaceful cup of tea so you can catch a breath.

Can you find it within yourself to carve out some time for just you, even if it is just to sit and grieve? Even if your partner doesn't "get" mental health I think he needs to step up here if he isn't already and make that possible for you. Which means taking care of the small things that pile up, like the chores and the shopping and the homework and so on, but also possibly managing your interactions with your mum. Is she lucid enough to put on a mask towards outsiders? I know it's not her fault she's so nasty towards you but some people in her situation tend to mask towards less familiar people still, the ingrained habit of not being too open with people who aren't immediate family. Maybe he can answer the phone instead of you for a bit, because you're "busy". Or maybe he will finally understand more of what's happening instead, which would also not be a bad outcome.

There is always the option of not answering the phone but I guess that is a hard choice to make because we do worry for them and it's easier to be hurt than hurt them, because they don't understand.

Do you maybe have the option to do some grief counseling or talk to a therapist? Or maybe there are support groups around you where you can speak to people who understand and have gone through this too.

About your kids - I'd say be as honest as you can with them (in an age appropriate way of course). Mental health issues are an illness and the more they understand that, the easier it will be for them. Gran's very very ill and it makes her nasty and unkind. Doesn't mean they can't love her, because if they had a good relationship with her before they probably do; it just means that they need to love themselves more and stay away for their own protection. And assure them that it's not on them to manage this, or their feelings about this, by themselves. Have an open door policy when it comes to questions about her, and do share your feelings with them, let them know they're not alone with missing her or hating her sometimes for her behaviour or any of those big big emotions kids feel. Make space for their feelings if you can.

And finally, how much of your mum's care rests on you shoulders? Is there anything that can be done to get more professional help to take some of that load off your shoulders? Any meds she could take that might help her stay calm? I know Lithium has fallen out of favour a bit but it sometimes can be very helpful when people are so deeply stuck in their psychosis. Additionally, has she been evaluated for dementia?

 

[I_mean_reaaaalllly]

I'm so sorry you're going through this and by the sounds of it quite by yourself. It's such a hard place to be in, the anger, the grief, the tiredness, the utter sadness of it all. I'm so so sorry love, sending you tons of hugs if you want them, and strength and a peaceful cup of tea so you can catch a breath.

Can you find it within yourself to carve out some time for just you, even if it is just to sit and grieve? Even if your partner doesn't "get" mental health I think he needs to step up here if he isn't already and make that possible for you. Which means taking care of the small things that pile up, like the chores and the shopping and the homework and so on, but also possibly managing your interactions with your mum. Is she lucid enough to put on a mask towards outsiders? I know it's not her fault she's so nasty towards you but some people in her situation tend to mask towards less familiar people still, the ingrained habit of not being too open with people who aren't immediate family. Maybe he can answer the phone instead of you for a bit, because you're "busy". Or maybe he will finally understand more of what's happening instead, which would also not be a bad outcome.

There is always the option of not answering the phone but I guess that is a hard choice to make because we do worry for them and it's easier to be hurt than hurt them, because they don't understand.

Do you maybe have the option to do some grief counseling or talk to a therapist? Or maybe there are support groups around you where you can speak to people who understand and have gone through this too.

About your kids - I'd say be as honest as you can with them (in an age appropriate way of course). Mental health issues are an illness and the more they understand that, the easier it will be for them. Gran's very very ill and it makes her nasty and unkind. Doesn't mean they can't love her, because if they had a good relationship with her before they probably do; it just means that they need to love themselves more and stay away for their own protection. And assure them that it's not on them to manage this, or their feelings about this, by themselves. Have an open door policy when it comes to questions about her, and do share your feelings with them, let them know they're not alone with missing her or hating her sometimes for her behaviour or any of those big big emotions kids feel. Make space for their feelings if you can.

And finally, how much of your mum's care rests on you shoulders? Is there anything that can be done to get more professional help to take some of that load off your shoulders? Any meds she could take that might help her stay calm? I know Lithium has fallen out of favour a bit but it sometimes can be very helpful when people are so deeply stuck in their psychosis. Additionally, has she been evaluated for dementia?

Thank you so much for your lovely reply, you sound incredibly knowledgeable.

My husband is fabulous, he knows I have tough days and he steps up without even thinking. He works long hours but is always ready to help even when I don’t know I need it. He often speaks to my mum on the phone too.

She does present differently to people she is less familiar with. The ward psychologist has said she feels comfortable with me so can be open and she doesn’t feel any need to moderate what she is saying. She definitely masks a lot which concerns me for when she does eventually go home. We have been very honest with our children, they saw the initial decline and unfortunately our daughter was the initial focus of the negative delusions so she has become quite closed off to grandma, she lives her very much but I think she’s trying to protect herself. Our son is very sensitive and had a very close bond with my mum. A lot of her frightening delusions were about him being tortured and attacked, very different to the delusions and voices relating to his sister.

I am having ad hoc psychology input and I’m awaiting EMDR through occ health at work. I am taking antidepressants and my gp is wonderful.

As my mum has been detained under section 3 of the MHA, she is eligible for section 117 aftercare so she will get whatever care she needs. I will be her carer in every other sense of the word.

The psychiatrist has tried multiple medications, the only one that has had any effect is Risperidone, however this is causing low potassium so she is being monitored. She also has PRN lorazepam for when she gets agitated and upset, thankfully this happens far less frequent than it did at the start of this nightmare when she was absolutely fraught constantly.

We were told about 8 weeks ago that the medics suspected my mum may have Lewy body dementia however due to her improvement on risperidone and her improving function this was discounted. The diagnosis has been confirmed as late onset psychotic illness.

I’m just so frustrated and resentful, I want so badly to tell people how poorly my mum has been treated by my sister and my nephews and how their selfish actions have resulted in this. I don’t know how to manage my feelings, I’m so confused.