You’ve done your best. The rest is up to her. Well done and I hope you and the other friends can move on and that she’s not in danger, just delusion!
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Thank you, I’ll always be there for her
I have a really trivial problem compared to some on here but I could do with a bit of impartial advice.
I have a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. Due to this I don’t see her much. She has no family so I’m her next of kin as well.
Recently she’s met a new partner. Things have been a little rocky but they seem okay at the moment. I have met this new partner and neither of us have any issues with the other, all good there.
It’s my friend’s birthday next month and before she met her partner we had arranged that we would go to a sporting fixture together, and that I would pay for the hotel, drinks and dinner as a birthday gift (the ticket is free as I’m a wheelchair user and so she goes free as my companion) This is a rare treat for friend as she is unable to work due to severe disability, so she doesn’t have a lot of cash. I am also severely disabled but lucky enough that I can still work.
However she was due to see her partner the weekend of this fixture, and was intending to get the train over the day after our evening out. But partner has now said they want to come and sit in the hotel room and wait for us to come back (we need separate rooms due to our respective medical conditions)
Now I know that it’s not going to work like that, and also would I be completely unreasonable by saying right, if she’s going to come and sit in the room, she can pay towards it as I’m paying for my friend not for her?! She is working, she has a good job and is not short of cash so it won’t be an issue for her. There’s no chance that the partner could come to the sporting fixture but I have a feeling that the night will be cut short as said partner will start whinging (she’s got a lot of form for this) I would feel bad for my friend as it’s supposed to be her birthday celebration.
Do I a) put my foot down entirely and say no, if she comes I don’t;
B) say okay fine whatever but if she comes she can contribute towards the room;
C) just do nothing? I don’t know if I’m being totally unreasonable but I object to paying out loads of money to feel like a gooseberry, especially when originally my friend agreed totally to tell her she couldn’t come. And also it’s going to be at least 4-5 months before I get to see my friend again.
Advice would be appreciated!
I have a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. Due to this I don’t see her much. She has no family so I’m her next of kin as well.
Recently she’s met a new partner. Things have been a little rocky but they seem okay at the moment. I have met this new partner and neither of us have any issues with the other, all good there.
It’s my friend’s birthday next month and before she met her partner we had arranged that we would go to a sporting fixture together, and that I would pay for the hotel, drinks and dinner as a birthday gift (the ticket is free as I’m a wheelchair user and so she goes free as my companion) This is a rare treat for friend as she is unable to work due to severe disability, so she doesn’t have a lot of cash. I am also severely disabled but lucky enough that I can still work.
However she was due to see her partner the weekend of this fixture, and was intending to get the train over the day after our evening out. But partner has now said they want to come and sit in the hotel room and wait for us to come back (we need separate rooms due to our respective medical conditions)
Now I know that it’s not going to work like that, and also would I be completely unreasonable by saying right, if she’s going to come and sit in the room, she can pay towards it as I’m paying for my friend not for her?! She is working, she has a good job and is not short of cash so it won’t be an issue for her. There’s no chance that the partner could come to the sporting fixture but I have a feeling that the night will be cut short as said partner will start whinging (she’s got a lot of form for this) I would feel bad for my friend as it’s supposed to be her birthday celebration.
Do I a) put my foot down entirely and say no, if she comes I don’t;
B) say okay fine whatever but if she comes she can contribute towards the room;
C) just do nothing? I don’t know if I’m being totally unreasonable but I object to paying out loads of money to feel like a gooseberry, especially when originally my friend agreed totally to tell her she couldn’t come. And also it’s going to be at least 4-5 months before I get to see my friend again.
Advice would be appreciated!
I would say no the partner is not welcome. Offer to tell the partner yourself if friend is finding it too hard.
I’ve made the mistake in the past of letting a friend bring a partner that weren’t invited and he just took over. Never again
You sound like a lovely friend
I think it's totally unacceptable for the partner to come along and you are well within your rights to say so.
This was planned originally as you and your friend seeing as you don’t see each other often I’m sure she would understand that it’s quality time with a friend and to say to her partner that. I hope you get sorted
I haven't read the thread(s) but I will, I need to vent about something that's relatively trivial but had pissed me off today.
I took Wed-Fri. Mon-Wed off work. I told no one I'm off this week now that the kids are back at school as i just wanted a chilled break... for some context - I work in a high pressure environment, +45 hours per week in a corporate role. Have 3 children. Split up from my narcissistic controlling and emotionally abusive husband in July last year when I snapped and told him to get out and he's never been back since. We are attempting co parenting by which he has the kids 1 night per week and I have them the other 6. I'm going through some health stuff at the minute where they've found a 10cm growth in my uterus, thankfully it's benign but needs hormone therapy to reduce it for 5 to 6 months before it can be operated on, thankfully I'm fortunate enough to have private health care and therefore on a list for an MRI scan next week to find out more. So, needless to say there's a lot going on.
Back to the matter in hand today I've done some basic housework after taking the kids to school and then just chilled - ordered lunch in and binge watched a series on TV. Its been great because my life is never like this.
Anyway cue 5pm I get a call from my mum - again I'm trying not to be awful but she says with total panic in her voice - is everything okay, I replied yeah why would it not be. She tells me she passed my house on the way home from work and my car was there. Explained oh I was at work but finished earlier today she said good. Had a whinge about my dad's sister which I told her to get over it
and then we ended the call.
Go to pick the children up from their dads. Get questioned about "why haven't you been to work today" from the narcissistic ex - looked at him and said I have been to work. He said well your car was there twice when I passed (there is ZERO need for him to pass my house). Asked him what business of his is it if I've been at work or not. Was told I'm a fool - nice
Then see my eldest daughter, talk to her about latest boy drama (she's 16) and then she says oh mum how come you weren't at work today.
Arrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh I want to scream, I know I'm very possibly overreacting but after being in a controlling relationship for almost 19 years I just want to do what I want to do without being answerable to people
I took Wed-Fri. Mon-Wed off work. I told no one I'm off this week now that the kids are back at school as i just wanted a chilled break... for some context - I work in a high pressure environment, +45 hours per week in a corporate role. Have 3 children. Split up from my narcissistic controlling and emotionally abusive husband in July last year when I snapped and told him to get out and he's never been back since. We are attempting co parenting by which he has the kids 1 night per week and I have them the other 6. I'm going through some health stuff at the minute where they've found a 10cm growth in my uterus, thankfully it's benign but needs hormone therapy to reduce it for 5 to 6 months before it can be operated on, thankfully I'm fortunate enough to have private health care and therefore on a list for an MRI scan next week to find out more. So, needless to say there's a lot going on.
Back to the matter in hand today I've done some basic housework after taking the kids to school and then just chilled - ordered lunch in and binge watched a series on TV. Its been great because my life is never like this.
Anyway cue 5pm I get a call from my mum - again I'm trying not to be awful but she says with total panic in her voice - is everything okay, I replied yeah why would it not be. She tells me she passed my house on the way home from work and my car was there. Explained oh I was at work but finished earlier today she said good. Had a whinge about my dad's sister which I told her to get over it
and then we ended the call. Go to pick the children up from their dads. Get questioned about "why haven't you been to work today" from the narcissistic ex - looked at him and said I have been to work. He said well your car was there twice when I passed (there is ZERO need for him to pass my house). Asked him what business of his is it if I've been at work or not. Was told I'm a fool - nice
Then see my eldest daughter, talk to her about latest boy drama (she's 16) and then she says oh mum how come you weren't at work today.
Arrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh I want to scream, I know I'm very possibly overreacting but after being in a controlling relationship for almost 19 years I just want to do what I want to do without being answerable to people
Looks like you're struggling with boundaries with your mum and the narc, otherwise you'd not feel the need to lie about it. I totally get it btw, sometimes it's just easier to lie about stuff than deal with the demands on your time when people find out you have "free" time. But it's not healthy, you should feel free to say you had the day off and leave it at that - which tells you a lot about how your relationships with them are not great.I haven't read the thread(s) but I will, I need to vent about something that's relatively trivial but had pissed me off today.
I took Wed-Fri. Mon-Wed off work. I told no one I'm off this week now that the kids are back at school as i just wanted a chilled break... for some context - I work in a high pressure environment, +45 hours per week in a corporate role. Have 3 children. Split up from my narcissistic controlling and emotionally abusive husband in July last year when I snapped and told him to get out and he's never been back since. We are attempting co parenting by which he has the kids 1 night per week and I have them the other 6. I'm going through some health stuff at the minute where they've found a 10cm growth in my uterus, thankfully it's benign but needs hormone therapy to reduce it for 5 to 6 months before it can be operated on, thankfully I'm fortunate enough to have private health care and therefore on a list for an MRI scan next week to find out more. So, needless to say there's a lot going on.
Back to the matter in hand today I've done some basic housework after taking the kids to school and then just chilled - ordered lunch in and binge watched a series on TV. Its been great because my life is never like this.
Anyway cue 5pm I get a call from my mum - again I'm trying not to be awful but she says with total panic in her voice - is everything okay, I replied yeah why would it not be. She tells me she passed my house on the way home from work and my car was there. Explained oh I was at work but finished earlier today she said good. Had a whinge about my dad's sister which I told her to get over it
Go to pick the children up from their dads. Get questioned about "why haven't you been to work today" from the narcissistic ex - looked at him and said I have been to work. He said well your car was there twice when I passed (there is ZERO need for him to pass my house). Asked him what business of his is it if I've been at work or not. Was told I'm a fool - nice
Then see my eldest daughter, talk to her about latest boy drama (she's 16) and then she says oh mum how come you weren't at work today.
Arrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh I want to scream, I know I'm very possibly overreacting but after being in a controlling relationship for almost 19 years I just want to do what I want to do without being answerable to people
Also, like, total overreaction from your mum, and the stalker tit from your ex is creepy AF.
Setting boundaries is something you need to practice just like anything in life; nobody is born a natural boundary setter. Also, healthily adjusted adults aren't mad at you for setting a boundary and will simply accept it. I have narc parents and they're the ones who rail against my boundaries, get angry with me for saying no, try to needle and manipulate me into doing what they want me to do.
You know who doesn't? My well adjusted friends. Yeah, they ask stuff off me as do I off them, but when I'm busy or not in the mood I say "Sorry, that won't work for me" and they say, "cool, maybe next time". And the funny thing is, with narcs you have to be sooooo careful not to JADE (justify, defend, argue, explain). But with my friends I WANT to do that. I tell them honestly why I don't have time - even if it's just because I feel like vegging out on the sofa - and they totally get it and ask me if I'm ok instead.
Mabe writing down your healthy relationships and how they compare to the ones where you feel the need to lie is a good start?
Also, don't be surprised in the future if you find that a lot of the time, your boundaries don't need to be articulated as verociously as you have to with narcs. Regular people don't push and push and push until you explode. It takes time to learn, but you'll get there.
Wow, this is enlightening.
You are so correct - I need to read and re-read and process but thank you so much.
I haven’t posted on this thread in 1+ years, but today I’ve hit a bit of a wall.
A lot of people said your 30s are better than your 20s, but I’m yet to find this ‘better’.
Ever since my 30s hit, it’s been one struggle after another.
COVID for 2 years, death of a parent and related issues, lost friends, moved from one job that burned me out to another where the environment is toxic in a different way, living chronic anxiety and petrified of making any kind of decision. It’s been 3-4 years of straight up exhaustion.
I just feel every single time I’m trying to move towards a more positive era, I get a set back. I never suffered from anxiety in my 20s but I’m now living with it daily because there’s a different trigger every day.
I’m 33 and still single, still no friends and deeply unhappy and overall tired. I hate to feel this way because I have things some people would love to have, but I can’t help but feel dead inside. The things I have now, I dreamt of as a child, but there’s a hole inside.
I don’t know how to move forward anymore. I feel stuck like a hamster who is doing things on autopilot to keep food and a roof over their head, but ultimately isn’t living.
A lot of people said your 30s are better than your 20s, but I’m yet to find this ‘better’.
Ever since my 30s hit, it’s been one struggle after another.
COVID for 2 years, death of a parent and related issues, lost friends, moved from one job that burned me out to another where the environment is toxic in a different way, living chronic anxiety and petrified of making any kind of decision. It’s been 3-4 years of straight up exhaustion.
I just feel every single time I’m trying to move towards a more positive era, I get a set back. I never suffered from anxiety in my 20s but I’m now living with it daily because there’s a different trigger every day.
I’m 33 and still single, still no friends and deeply unhappy and overall tired. I hate to feel this way because I have things some people would love to have, but I can’t help but feel dead inside. The things I have now, I dreamt of as a child, but there’s a hole inside.
I don’t know how to move forward anymore. I feel stuck like a hamster who is doing things on autopilot to keep food and a roof over their head, but ultimately isn’t living.
My manager and her manager (my old manager) are doing my head in today.
I joined a company while my official line manager was on maternity leave so her manager (Director) was my line manager in that period. I get on well with both and like them personally but they are some of the worst communicators I have ever worked with!
Since line manager has come back, she is involved in everything and preventing people from just talking to each other as all info has to pass through her. She means well but it just ends up with confusion from the Chinese whispers. She is clearly spinning a lot of plates too but just won't let anything go.
Then her manager (director) who used to be quite clear with things and communicative and preaching about openness and how everything is a team effort is now determined to have this distinct layer between her and the rest of the team, via the line manager.
This morning I've shared a big presentation deck for a project I've worked on, it includes supplier terms notes. Apparently I've used to wrong fees structure (I wasn't looped in on an update to the ones I had, and apparently neither had the CFO!) that the director did not agree too, she wanted them cheaper.
Rather than comment on the deck the 3 of us (me, line manager director) are on, she has gone to my line manager who has come to me to ask to help her search for the paper trail of the updated fee structure so she can present back to the director.
I've said no and that I'm too busy with other work to wrap up before the bank hol but this is one of many situations recently and it is doing my nut in!
I joined a company while my official line manager was on maternity leave so her manager (Director) was my line manager in that period. I get on well with both and like them personally but they are some of the worst communicators I have ever worked with!
Since line manager has come back, she is involved in everything and preventing people from just talking to each other as all info has to pass through her. She means well but it just ends up with confusion from the Chinese whispers. She is clearly spinning a lot of plates too but just won't let anything go.
Then her manager (director) who used to be quite clear with things and communicative and preaching about openness and how everything is a team effort is now determined to have this distinct layer between her and the rest of the team, via the line manager.
This morning I've shared a big presentation deck for a project I've worked on, it includes supplier terms notes. Apparently I've used to wrong fees structure (I wasn't looped in on an update to the ones I had, and apparently neither had the CFO!) that the director did not agree too, she wanted them cheaper.
Rather than comment on the deck the 3 of us (me, line manager director) are on, she has gone to my line manager who has come to me to ask to help her search for the paper trail of the updated fee structure so she can present back to the director.
I've said no and that I'm too busy with other work to wrap up before the bank hol but this is one of many situations recently and it is doing my nut in!
Really need to rant! I was expecting a delivery today from yodel I had a text today at short notice with a 11-1pm timeframe fortunately I was in but that came and went, tracked the driver he was close to my address hours ago and it said I was next to be delivered to, the online chat thing is crap they cant contact the driver apparently so what’s the point 
why don’t they communicate if they can’t fulfil your delivery or inform you if they can’t deliver your item on the day they are utter crap! Also I sold something online the guys being an utter twit and has asked me twice if he can change the collection date despite me saying I’m unavailable but he also wanted to collect from me at 9pm at night?! Erm I don’t think so I’m a female and I live alone with my kid and nobody is coming to my door at that time of a night especially not someone I don’t know seriously what is wrong with people 
why don’t they communicate if they can’t fulfil your delivery or inform you if they can’t deliver your item on the day they are utter crap! Also I sold something online the guys being an utter twit and has asked me twice if he can change the collection date despite me saying I’m unavailable but he also wanted to collect from me at 9pm at night?! Erm I don’t think so I’m a female and I live alone with my kid and nobody is coming to my door at that time of a night especially not someone I don’t know seriously what is wrong with people
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I need to vent. Don’t think I’m a tight a.
Did a volunteering day with work and me and a colleague shared a car with out manager. They can claim back mileage.
Turns out they didn’t put enough money on the parking ticket and they have been sent a £60 fine. Me and my colleague were sat in the car at the time, so don’t know what the machine said, but the manager says it wasn’t very clear (so why didn’t they challenge it or query it. Would there not be a contact number on the machine?)
They rang the local council today and I think the outcome is they need to pay the fine.
My other colleague has offered to contribute towards it (they are a 2 person income household, I'm alone) but I have kept my mouth shut. I know the right thing would be to offer, but I really don’t see why I should? I feel like I won’t hear the end of it, plus the team have been regularly asked to donate to this person’s charity event they were doing, so I’m already irritated by that.
What would you do?
Did a volunteering day with work and me and a colleague shared a car with out manager. They can claim back mileage.
Turns out they didn’t put enough money on the parking ticket and they have been sent a £60 fine. Me and my colleague were sat in the car at the time, so don’t know what the machine said, but the manager says it wasn’t very clear (so why didn’t they challenge it or query it. Would there not be a contact number on the machine?)
They rang the local council today and I think the outcome is they need to pay the fine.
My other colleague has offered to contribute towards it (they are a 2 person income household, I'm alone) but I have kept my mouth shut. I know the right thing would be to offer, but I really don’t see why I should? I feel like I won’t hear the end of it, plus the team have been regularly asked to donate to this person’s charity event they were doing, so I’m already irritated by that.
What would you do?
Just to clarify, the fine was against the managers car?
In that case, it's their fault, their car, they pay the fines. Id personally be looking at going to the person who deals with expenses or travel in the company (or HR?) for some advice on this situation.
As a manager, if I was them, I'd be forking out the money rather than putting it on my team. Your manager sounds like an a from this imo
Yes, sorry, it’s against their car.Just to clarify, the fine was against the managers car?
In that case, it's their fault, their car, they pay the fines. Id personally be looking at going to the person who deals with expenses or travel in the company (or HR?) for some advice on this situation.
As a manager, if I was them, I'd be forking out the money rather than putting it on my team. Your manager sounds like an a from this imo
How do I brooch the subject?! I don’t think they will ask me, but as my other colleague is going to offer to contribute, I’ll feel put on the spot.
Another member of our team also got a fine
but he held his hands up and said he probably didn’t put enough money on the ticket. He’s paid his, but made a joke this morning about how I should contribute to a third of my manager’s fine! (He brought the letter in and it has a photo of him entering and leaving the car park)It’s been passed onto the person who arranged the volunteering and all they have said they will make people aware at the next one.
As I said above, my manager has already been dropping heavy hints about making donations to their charity event, so I’m already reluctant to part with anymore money.
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Just don’t do and say anything. It wasn’t your responsibility to check that an adult can use a parking meter.Yes, sorry, it’s against their car.
How do I brooch the subject?! I don’t think they will ask me, but as my other colleague is going to offer to contribute, I’ll feel put on the spot.
Another member of our team also got a fine
It’s been passed onto the person who arranged the volunteering and all they have said they will make people aware at the next one.
As I said above, my manager has already been dropping heavy hints about making donations to their charity event, so I’m already reluctant to part with anymore money.
And if he asks then just say “no, sorry”. I wouldn’t pay and I’m quite direct so probably would say something if hints were being dropped
It is in NO WAY your responsibility. You were volunteering to begin with. You had no input or control of how the parking was arranged. It doesn’t matter who has what income, it’s nothing to do with you as a passenger.
Don’t let snide ‘hints’ get under your skin, your conscience is crystal clean here.
Don’t let snide ‘hints’ get under your skin, your conscience is crystal clean here.
Thank you. When the other passenger said to me when we were alone that she feels awful and is going to give money towards it, I just looked at her and said (because we don’t know for sure if our manager had the fine yet) well, let’s not do anything until we know for sure she has got a fine.
Turns out she, the manager, got home last night and had got her fine in the post yesterday while at work. 🫠 so now I won’t hear the end of it. Especially as she even says herself, she plays the single parent card.
Ffs.
I would say sorry, I've done my budget for the month and I wasn't expecting to have to contribute 20 quid unexpectedly. Say sorry but times are hard, etc, I have budgeted for my bills and food for the rest of the month.