Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

Walkdengirl · Nov 6, 2022

This isn't going well, I took it out and it was still liquid in the centre, however as she is the one with seven cook books to her name, she obviously knows better then me, after all I've only been baking for 40 years.

So of course it instantly sunk. She describes it as fudgy, I describe it as probably needing a straw. I've not removed it from the tin yet dear hearts. Full photos to follow

MavisBeacon · Nov 6, 2022

House of Carbonara said:
She never made that either, did she? I knew the dough was going to be too wet...
And if you are new to baking, you'll just assume you did it wrong.

Exactly. I knew it was. doomed from just reading the recipe - ffs, either it's a soda bread, which would actually work pretty well and make sense if she had the proportions right OR it's a yeasted bread, made with bread flour so it rises properly. Also, there's NO SALT AT ALL

so it will taste of nothing. It really seems like she's cut and shut two copied recipes and doesn't actually understand how bread works.

Kittypops · Nov 6, 2022

KimByYa said:
It looks like dog vomit Well done for actually managing to taste it without gagging.

All of you brave Frauen und Herren taking on these recipes deserve medals, or perhaps a free stomach pumping?!

Last night, I bagged the whole thing up and put it in the bin outside.

I just put some more bits in the bin and the bin smells of stuffing.

So there's the strapline for the Vegetable Peelings Loaf: it's better than bin juice.

Walkdengirl · Nov 6, 2022

It's back in, she said it may need longer. But it's well and truly sunk due to the fact I needed to test it

NellieBoo · Nov 6, 2022

MavisBeacon said:
Jack Monroe's pina colada bread, phase 1.

We start by checking Mr Beacon's fingernails, upon which I send him for another session with the nailbrush.

View attachment 1708976
According to the recipe, the first step is to activate the yeast. Never mind that everyone uses easyblend yeast, which doesn't need it, we follow the recipe to the letter
View attachment 1708946
There follows a brief marital argument where Mr Beacon mislays his posh wanker meat thermometer, and then insists I Google to convert 40C into Fahrenheit because apparently he's now from the 50s.
He adds this suspicously warm water to the yeast and gives it a stir.

Oh dear.

View attachment 1708949next, we must blitz the coconut milk,another 100ml of water and the drained pineapple chunks. I drink the pineapple juice, it is delicious (I suspect it's the only thing about this recipe that is...)View attachment 1708951half the flour, the suspiciously silent yeast and blended slop are added together. Jack recommends muddying mixing it with a knife but Mr Beacon soon finds it too annoying so we switch to her alternative suggestion of using the handle of a wooden spoon. Kudos to her, it works quite well.View attachment 1708952In goes the rest of the flour. At this point it is still very wet. Never mind - it's time to knead! Mr Beacon taps out at this point and makes me do it, the coward. We chuck loads of flour on the worktop and basically pour it out.

Oh dear.

View attachment 1708953iit's impossible to knead. Far too wet, and because it's self raising flour it's really hard to get any kind of work going. I ignore Jack's remarkably specific instructions about kneading and just do my best to smear it to and fro.View attachment 1708954 View attachment 1708955
After adding the entire rest of the bag of flour, it is solid enough to be called a dough. I squidge it into the bowl, and it's now in the sorting cupboard for a few hours. Which is as long as it's going to take me to scrape all the dough off the worktop, my hands etc etcView attachment 1708956

I am hooting and fizzing at poor Mr Beacon having to have a pic taken of his HANDS .

MavisBeacon · Nov 6, 2022

NellieBoo said:
I am hooting and fizzing at poor Mr Beacon having to have a pic taken of his HANDS .

We're doing loads of gardening at the moment so I wanted to avoid fully recreating Jack's oeuvre, especially if kneading was involved

Valiofthedolls · Nov 6, 2022

MavisBeacon said:
We're doing loads of gardening at the moment so I wanted to avoid fully recreating Jack's oeuvre, especially if kneading was involved

See, and there’s me trying to figure out if I can FORENSICALLY and PAINSTAKINGLY draw dirt under my fingernails with a felt pen or eyebrow pencil or somesuch. I might even see if I can find an apprentice at a tattoo parlor who can tattoo some on for me. Upside down of course

TheCat'sMother · Nov 6, 2022

Kittypops said:
Last night, I bagged the whole thing up and put it in the bin outside.

I just put some more bits in the bin and the bin smells of stuffing.

So there's the strapline for the Vegetable Peelings Loaf: it's better than bin juice.

Damned by faint praise!

Hollaaa · Nov 6, 2022

Here's where I got to with the pineapple upside down chicken before I went out and ate professionally-cooked chicken earlier.

Basically anything that isn't pineapple or chicken goes in the blender, then you chuck the resulting 'paste' over the chicken and leave it for a bit.

You can't get it that smooth. It doesn't matter if your onion and garlic is finely minced or liquidised, the flavours have released, job done.I chose not to use a plastic bag, I thought of the environment and used a perfectly good container that I already have. And a spoon. I'm not convinced of this lemon starts to cook things after 24 hours claim. Im sure it's less than that and given previous claims about bromelain in tinned pineapple, Jack has proven herself to be far from credible in this arena.
Also I can't resist correcting the spelling on marinated because I am a petty linguist b.

This is all the ingredients gently, painstakingly measured into the micro? macro? blender.
This is my attempt at a smooth paste. I'm not made of money, it had a good 90 seconds. That'll do.
This is what it looked like 20 seconds later when I remembered to add the pineapple juice from the can. Some sort of reaction is happening because it started to bubble.

And here it is in the LeCreuset atop 4 (not 8) chicken thighs. The chicken came in a pack of 6, and I wasn't buying 2 packs. There are 2 each for me and my Old Harold, and 2 for my SG which will be seasoned with salt, pepper and rosemary (which I went with as my herb of choice for purposes of the recipe), to be on the safe side. No need to call the CPS, concerned fraus.

I'm not sure if the marinade was emitting some kind of gas or my phone de-focused itself as a protective measure but I stuck a lid on it, threw it in the fridge and drove for an hour until I was far enough away from it to feel safe again.

Current transmission ends.
More later.

HaveTinCanRattle · Nov 6, 2022

This has been such a wonderful day, canal. Thankyou for each and every sterling effort and DIRE result.

Holy hell, @Hollaaa

Talking of unusual cooking methods, is anyone game for trying her "cassoulet". With the sincerest of apologies to anyone remotely French, French-adjacent or even in possession of a beret:

Jack Monroe’s energy-saving cassoulet – recipe

Slow-cooked dishes don’t need to sit on the hob or in the oven for hours. After a short blast of heat, they can be tightly wrapped in a towel and left to carry on cooking at no cost

www.theguardian.com

Cook the pork in a dressing gown. PUT IT IN MY VEINS

Mr Krabs · Nov 6, 2022

HaveTinCanRattle said:
This has been such a wonderful day, canal. Thankyou for each and every sterling effort and DIRE result.

Holy hell, @Hollaaa

Talking of unusual cooking methods, is anyone game for trying her "cassoulet". With the sincerest of apologies to anyone remotely French, French-adjacent or even in possession of a beret:

Jack Monroe’s energy-saving cassoulet – recipe

Slow-cooked dishes don’t need to sit on the hob or in the oven for hours. After a short blast of heat, they can be tightly wrapped in a towel and left to carry on cooking at no cost

www.theguardian.com

Cook the pork in a dressing gown. PUT IT IN MY VEINS

Being a grubby mare, I bet she didn’t wash that dressing gown before wearing again. Ah the lingering honk of pork and lard.

Also, recipe gave me flashbacks to the Allegra interview.

Nonah · Nov 6, 2022

HaveTinCanRattle said:
This has been such a wonderful day, canal. Thankyou for each and every sterling effort and DIRE result.

Holy hell, @Hollaaa

Talking of unusual cooking methods, is anyone game for trying her "cassoulet". With the sincerest of apologies to anyone remotely French, French-adjacent or even in possession of a beret:

Jack Monroe’s energy-saving cassoulet – recipe

Slow-cooked dishes don’t need to sit on the hob or in the oven for hours. After a short blast of heat, they can be tightly wrapped in a towel and left to carry on cooking at no cost

www.theguardian.com

Cook the pork in a dressing gown. PUT IT IN MY VEINS

Please don’t put pork in a manger. It’s offensive to SEVERAL religions.

Valiofthedolls · Nov 6, 2022

HaveTinCanRattle said:
This has been such a wonderful day, canal. Thankyou for each and every sterling effort and DIRE result.

Holy hell, @Hollaaa

Talking of unusual cooking methods, is anyone game for trying her "cassoulet". With the sincerest of apologies to anyone remotely French, French-adjacent or even in possession of a beret:

Jack Monroe’s energy-saving cassoulet – recipe

Slow-cooked dishes don’t need to sit on the hob or in the oven for hours. After a short blast of heat, they can be tightly wrapped in a towel and left to carry on cooking at no cost

www.theguardian.com

Cook the pork in a dressing gown. PUT IT IN MY VEINS

How the flying fuckeration is the “cooking” time exactly the same whether you put it in your dressing gown in a box (if you have one) to cook or put it in the oven to cook? I’m no expert, mind. I haven’t even cooked for MARY PORTAS.

MavisBeacon · Nov 6, 2022

MavisBeacon said:
Jack Monroe's pina colada bread, phase 1.

We start by checking Mr Beacon's fingernails, upon which I send him for another session with the nailbrush.

View attachment 1708976
According to the recipe, the first step is to activate the yeast. Never mind that everyone uses easyblend yeast, which doesn't need it, we follow the recipe to the letter
View attachment 1708946
There follows a brief marital argument where Mr Beacon mislays his posh wanker meat thermometer, and then insists I Google to convert 40C into Fahrenheit because apparently he's now from the 50s.
He adds this suspicously warm water to the yeast and gives it a stir.

Oh dear.

View attachment 1708949next, we must blitz the coconut milk,another 100ml of water and the drained pineapple chunks. I drink the pineapple juice, it is delicious (I suspect it's the only thing about this recipe that is...)View attachment 1708951half the flour, the suspiciously silent yeast and blended slop are added together. Jack recommends muddying mixing it with a knife but Mr Beacon soon finds it too annoying so we switch to her alternative suggestion of using the handle of a wooden spoon. Kudos to her, it works quite well.View attachment 1708952In goes the rest of the flour. At this point it is still very wet. Never mind - it's time to knead! Mr Beacon taps out at this point and makes me do it, the coward. We chuck loads of flour on the worktop and basically pour it out.

Oh dear.

View attachment 1708953iit's impossible to knead. Far too wet, and because it's self raising flour it's really hard to get any kind of work going. I ignore Jack's remarkably specific instructions about kneading and just do my best to smear it to and fro.View attachment 1708954 View attachment 1708955
After adding the entire rest of the bag of flour, it is solid enough to be called a dough. I squidge it into the bowl, and it's now in the sorting cupboard for a few hours. Which is as long as it's going to take me to scrape all the dough off the worktop, my hands etc etcView attachment 1708956

Phase 2: it is risen indeed, hallelujah!

The next step is to shape it and pop it in a tin. It's still too sticky to handle well. So Mr Beacon does his best and plops it into a greased 8" cake tin. Notably, there's nothing in the recipe about knocking it back properly, just "shape into a round or a log".

And with that, it's back into the airing cupboard for another hour

Nonah · Nov 6, 2022

MavisBeacon said:
Phase 2: it is risen indeed, hallelujah!
View attachment 1709194
The next step is to shape it and pop it in a tin. It's still too sticky to handle well. So Mr Beacon does his best and plops it into a greased 8" cake tin. Notably, there's nothing in the recipe about knocking it back properly, just "shape into a round or a log".

View attachment 1709205
And with that, it's back into the airing cupboard for another hour

There are worrying signs of sentience here. Do you have a priest to hand just in case?

NellieBoo · Nov 6, 2022

Hollaaa said:
Here's where I got to with the pineapple upside down chicken before I went out and ate professionally-cooked chicken earlier.

Basically anything that isn't pineapple or chicken goes in the blender, then you chuck the resulting 'paste' over the chicken and leave it for a bit.

View attachment 1709103You can't get it that smooth. It doesn't matter if your onion and garlic is finely minced or liquidised, the flavours have released, job done.I chose not to use a plastic bag, I thought of the environment and used a perfectly good container that I already have. And a spoon. I'm not convinced of this lemon starts to cook things after 24 hours claim. Im sure it's less than that and given previous claims about bromelain in tinned pineapple, Jack has proven herself to be far from credible in this arena.
Also I can't resist correcting the spelling on marinated because I am a petty linguist b.

View attachment 1709118This is all the ingredients gently, painstakingly measured into the micro? macro? blender.
View attachment 1709121This is my attempt at a smooth paste. I'm not made of money, it had a good 90 seconds. That'll do.
View attachment 1709125This is what it looked like 20 seconds later when I remembered to add the pineapple juice from the can. Some sort of reaction is happening because it started to bubble.
View attachment 1709133
And here it is in the LeCreuset atop 4 (not 8) chicken thighs. The chicken came in a pack of 6, and I wasn't buying 2 packs. There are 2 each for me and my Old Harold, and 2 for my SG which will be seasoned with salt, pepper and rosemary (which I went with as my herb of choice for purposes of the recipe), to be on the safe side. No need to call the CPS, concerned fraus.

I'm not sure if the marinade was emitting some kind of gas or my phone de-focused itself as a protective measure but I stuck a lid on it, threw it in the fridge and drove for an hour until I was far enough away from it to feel safe again.

Current transmission ends.
More later.

Are marinades supposed to bubble? I don't think they are. I'm scared for you and your loved ones .

TheCat'sMother · Nov 6, 2022

MavisBeacon said:
Phase 2: it is risen indeed, hallelujah!
View attachment 1709194
The next step is to shape it and pop it in a tin. It's still too sticky to handle well. So Mr Beacon does his best and plops it into a greased 8" cake tin. Notably, there's nothing in the recipe about knocking it back properly, just "shape into a round or a log".

View attachment 1709205
And with that, it's back into the airing cupboard for another hour

Please congratulate Mr Beacon on his Plopping abilities

NellieBoo · Nov 6, 2022

Valiofthedolls said:
How the flying fuckeration is the “cooking” time exactly the same whether you put it in your dressing gown in a box (if you have one) to cook or put it in the oven to cook? I’m no expert, mind. I haven’t even cooked for MARY PORTAS.

View attachment 1709202

I've never cooked for Mary Portas either. But I'm fairly certain you need more insulation than a towel or dressing gown for thermal cooking. I also think the cooking time would be more like a slow cooker on low, so 8/9 hours in a properly insulated thermal box. Not your Nan's housecoat and a 'cardboard box if you have one'.

That Forensic Man · Nov 6, 2022

dickanddom said:
It’s probably a bit gauche to quote one’s own post but I decided to rescue the Sports Direct mug this morning after it had spent a night in the fridge. As the canal can see in the photo, I hadn’t fully mixed in the Marmite or the cheese. I often heat leftovers up from the day before - I’m sorry, I just can’t.

It looks like a chemistry experiment in a petri dish.

ETA correct spelling of petri, it’s been decades

View attachment 1708321

Oh what the actual fuck

People-huv-tae-know said:
I still can't believe how different it looks to Jack's photo.

Think I'm going to start a gallery of Jack's photos vs slopalong creations because at a glance it would be extremely telling.

VeniVidiVicki said:
then you add the rinsed lentils (which leaped about alarmingly)

Those poor lentils, as soon as they realised they were in a Monroe recipe they tried to save themselves
Must commend you on the authenticity of the horse spunk though, chapeau!

NellieBoo said:
I've never cooked for Mary Portas either. But I'm fairly certain you need more insulation than a towel or dressing gown for thermal cooking. I also think the cooking time would be more like a slow cooker on low, so 8/9 hours in a properly insulated thermal box. Not your Nan's housecoat and a 'cardboard box if you have one'.

Can always borrow one off Jack, she's got plenty

Acquired all of my ingredients this afternoon, shockingly there was no cheap sugar or eggs and NO fresh parsley or garlic, come on sort it out @BootstrapCook

Walkdengirl · Nov 6, 2022

I made silent courgette cake.

First problem, she says 2 large courgettes but no guide weight given so I selected 2 from the selection in lidl. I had to buy the lime, and the marmelade used as an egg replacement (it didn't work btw)
As normal with Jack we then had to blend all the wet ingredients, and instead of giving a weight for the marnelade it's given in tablespoons, luckily I had an American cup that I could use. This made the most awful green looking slop.
I carefully weighed the dry ingredients on my drug dealer scales, I would normally sift the flour and cocoa together but no mention of this so I chuck it all in the bowl lumps and all. To me there is not enough sugar.
I then poured in the green slop, she says the mix may look dry, no Jack mine is very wet, but I carry on gamely after all she forensically church's everything she does, and cannot lie.
Jack doesn't mention lining the tin, but I decide to throw caution to the wind and lined it with my Lakeland baking parchment (fancy) and then into the oven to bake.

Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

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