Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

[Lostcat]

Oh no. Oh no. That's absolutely diabolical! What a waste of decent ingredients, time and energy.

Also, what Jack was inspired by (ie. what she plagarised and made worse) was probably this recipe for Summer Bread & Butter Pudding by dearest darling Nigel Slater, in which you replace the custard with cherry jam, butter the bread, and add extra sugar to make a sort of jammy, crunchy pudding topped with cream and berries.

Summer bread and butter pudding recipe

Turn this comfort food classic into a summery dish by replacing the custard with cherry jam and serving with vanilla-spiked double cream, cherries and strawberries.

www.bbc.co.uk

 

[wintercynic]

Oh no. Oh no. That's absolutely diabolical! What a waste of decent ingredients, time and energy.

Also, what Jack was inspired by (ie. what she plagarised and made worse) was probably this recipe for Summer Bread & Butter Pudding by dearest darling Nigel Slater, in which you replace the custard with cherry jam, butter the bread, and add extra sugar to make a sort of jammy, crunchy pudding topped with cream and berries.

Summer bread and butter pudding recipe

Turn this comfort food classic into a summery dish by replacing the custard with cherry jam and serving with vanilla-spiked double cream, cherries and strawberries.

www.bbc.co.uk

View attachment 1877178

God that looks good. Will be trying to remember it this summer!

 

[Blurp]

Oh no. Oh no. That's absolutely diabolical! What a waste of decent ingredients, time and energy.

Also, what Jack was inspired by (ie. what she plagarised and made worse) was probably this recipe for Summer Bread & Butter Pudding by dearest darling Nigel Slater, in which you replace the custard with cherry jam, butter the bread, and add extra sugar to make a sort of jammy, crunchy pudding topped with cream and berries.

Summer bread and butter pudding recipe

Turn this comfort food classic into a summery dish by replacing the custard with cherry jam and serving with vanilla-spiked double cream, cherries and strawberries.

www.bbc.co.uk

View attachment 1877178

Oh, that looks and sounds good. I'd replace the cherries with berries - raspberries, blackberries, tayberries, etc - and use raspberry jam. I like cherries ok but hate cherry jam.

 

[That Forensic Man]

OH has just come home early. He knows nothing of this site and nothing of Jack, he doesn’t really do social media.

He’s looked in the oven and asked why I’ve got a placenta cooking in there

Berry Bread Pudding (aka Placenta Pudding)
I made this for a dinner party for 12 strangers, having travelled all day with the main course held in my bare hands as I’ve no money for a rucksack. When I arrived at the party I realised I had left the pudding at home in my kitchen 300 miles away. I had taken several trains, a pedalo and a zip wire to get here so couldn’t go back and retrieve the pudding. Whilst pondering all this I happened to step in a puddle and lo and behold a bag of frozen berries and a loaf of bread were bobbing gently in the puddle. Hallelujah the day had been saved.
Or
I had bread and frozen berries in the freezer

Ingredients
400g frozen mixed berries
8 slices cheap white bread
Spread for greasing
View attachment 1876703

instructions
Cook the berries in a saucepan over a medium heat for 15 minutes don’t let it boil. Cut the bread on to quarters then each quarter in to quarters. It’s a lot of bread. So so much bread.
View attachment 1876710View attachment 1876712

then add the bread pieces to the saucepan. So much bread!
View attachment 1876713

leave to soak for 15 minutes View attachment 1876714

put in a greased 20cm tin she says to pour out excess juice there wasn’t any bake for 40 minutes View attachment 1876715
View attachment 1876720

The pudding tastes absolutely disgusting. I stuck to the original recipe and didn’t add any sugar. Im
Not sure sugar would save it. The texture is both gloopy and solid at the same time The flavour is just weird. Kind of bready and stodgy with a weird aftertaste. Not exactly bitter like I was expecting. Just weird. I can’t quite explain it. OH won’t go anywhere near it. Unicorn offspring who will normally eat pretty much anything poked it and won’t even try a tiny bit.

Good grief
And yet I must ask

0 - Dog tit
1- Dire
2 - Terrible
3 - Middle class
4 - Inhale greedily
5 - Ovary groaner
S - Stolen

 

[MistyWindows]

The ‘chicken porridge’ is something that actually punches me in the soul because congee was such a perfect comfort food for me growing up and that slack jawed twit actually just tried to make savoury porridge with oats
She’s such an idiot it’s quite amazing, has anyone attempted those oats? Should I put myself through immersion therapy with it?

 

[Gl1tt3rUn1c0rn]

Good grief
And yet I must ask

0 - Dog tit
1- Dire
2 - Terrible
3 - Middle class
4 - Inhale greedily
5 - Ovary groaner
S - Stolen

It’s a 0 - the texture made it inedible. So gloopy/stodgy/clumpy and the weird aftertaste from just bread and fruit

 

[ContentCrunch]

Hello sloppers

I’m making cat space brownies this morning.

ingredients:
1-2 Inexplicable eggs
Hammered at your own risk tin of tuna
2tbsp cat nip
Salmon oil or coconut oil all oils are interchangeable if your tuna is in oil all the better
100g (ish) gluten free flour

combine till cake like mixture, bake till a skewer comes out clean. Garnish with licky-lix and extra catnip. Enjoy your cats being off their tits all afternoon

It reads just like a Jack recipe doesn’t it?! 🪐

Spoiler: One smol step for cats…

Spoiler: One giant leap for space kitties

fresh out the oven waiting to decorate

 

[VeniVidiVicki]

Well I finally got round to making the Courgette and Cheese Soda Bread from the free ebook last night

Spoiler: Step by step

This is the recipe I followed. As you can see, it is a very simple recipe which requires cooking for an extraordinarily long time. A whole HOUR which is why I’ve been putting it off.

Anyway, I duly assembled my ingredients.

I mixed the lemon juice and milk which she inexplicably says takes 10 minutes to turn into buttermilk when in fact it takes a minute or so. She also doesn’t tell you it turns into buttermilk at all - just that it’s magic. I think might be quite helpful - useful to understand why you’re doing something.
Anyway, I added the flour and bicarbonate to a big bowl and tipped in the courgette and cheese. She doesn’t say to grate your cheese but I did because I’m not an idiot

I mixed that in (not over mixing) and then added the milk into the centre (bit disappointed that she didn’t say ‘a well, a sort of hole‘ but you can’t have everything).
At this point it’s supposed to be a very sticky dough and when you tip it into the loaf tin you are supposed to shake the tin gently to get it into the corners.

As my dough was more stodgy than goopy, it wasn’t going to move anywhere as you can see so I had to poke it to get it to fill the tin.

When I pulled it out, it looked a lot better than expected! The knife came out cleanly after an hour, it had risen and I left it in the tin for 30 mins as specified before tipping it out to cool.

I cut a slice after that 30 mins. Still looking good!

The verdict.

It was more of a cake type texture than bread. Like banana bread so you have to cut it into quite thick slices. It has a good crunch on the top and is quite moist but not wet so not unpleasant in that sense. But it is just SO BLAND. It tastes of nothing. You can’t taste the cheese, there’s no salt or honey or mustard. It’s just completely pointless. It’s a waste of good cheese and of the power to run the oven.

I tried it with some manchego and butter and it was still really boring and tasteless. I toasted a slice this morning as she suggests and ate it with marmite. It doesn’t toast well so it’s not good for that. You wouldn’t be able to make cheese toasties with it which is her other suggestion as it’s too wet and the crust breaks away. She says to spread it with marmalade. I don’t like marmalade so I’m not going to do that. But I’m not sure that would save it.

Score

I guess I’d give it a 2.5? It’s about the most insipid thing I’ve ever eaten. It’s sadness in a loaf shape.

For my contribution to eradicating food poverty today, I’m taking a big bag of food to a woman with a disabled husband and a sick baby who asked for help in a Facebook group I’m in. I won’t give her the rest of my horrid loaf as I’m sure she won’t want it either. I’ll mix it with an egg and give it to the dog.

 

[ChastityDingle]

Not sure if the video will work. A lovely sound effect of the placenta. Only for the brave. You have been warned!

I listened
Brilliant posts @Gl1tt3rUn1c0rn - loved the descriptions.

How the hell is she still getting away with publishing 'cookery' books

 

[I'm not actually here]

I'm here from the future. This recipe is from Tin Cant Camp... WILD.

Total cost 2d.

Pond/sea^ water
Some alphabetti spagetti, rinsed
Far too much Bovril for flavour (1/8th tsp, adjust to taste)

Rating - 1, as in Minus

ETA it isn't actually alphabetti spagetti. It is some miniscule foreign pasta letters and that is the smollest teaspoon ever. Honest.

I am now returning to the picket line.

Well I finally got round to making the Courgette and Cheese Soda Bread from the free ebook last night

Spoiler: Step by step

View attachment 1884385
This is the recipe I followed. As you can see, it is a very simple recipe which requires cooking for an extraordinarily long time. A whole HOUR which is why I’ve been putting it off.

Anyway, I duly assembled my ingredients.
View attachment 1884383

I mixed the lemon juice and milk which she inexplicably says takes 10 minutes to turn into buttermilk when in fact it takes a minute or so. She also doesn’t tell you it turns into buttermilk at all - just that it’s magic. I think might be quite helpful - useful to understand why you’re doing something.
Anyway, I added the flour and bicarbonate to a big bowl and tipped in the courgette and cheese. She doesn’t say to grate your cheese but I did because I’m not an idiot

View attachment 1884398
I mixed that in (not over mixing) and then added the milk into the centre (bit disappointed that she didn’t say ‘a well, a sort of hole‘ but you can’t have everything).
At this point it’s supposed to be a very sticky dough and when you tip it into the loaf tin you are supposed to shake the tin gently to get it into the corners.

As my dough was more stodgy than goopy, it wasn’t going to move anywhere as you can see so I had to poke it to get it to fill the tin.

View attachment 1884408

When I pulled it out, it looked a lot better than expected! The knife came out cleanly after an hour, it had risen and I left it in the tin for 30 mins as specified before tipping it out to cool.

View attachment 1884416

I cut a slice after that 30 mins. Still looking good!
View attachment 1884417

The verdict.

It was more of a cake type texture than bread. Like banana bread so you have to cut it into quite thick slices. It has a good crunch on the top and is quite moist but not wet so not unpleasant in that sense. But it is just SO BLAND. It tastes of nothing. You can’t taste the cheese, there’s no salt or honey or mustard. It’s just completely pointless. It’s a waste of good cheese and of the power to run the oven.

I tried it with some manchego and butter and it was still really boring and tasteless. I toasted a slice this morning as she suggests and ate it with marmite. It doesn’t toast well so it’s not good for that. You wouldn’t be able to make cheese toasties with it which is her other suggestion as it’s too wet and the crust breaks away. She says to spread it with marmalade. I don’t like marmalade so I’m not going to do that. But I’m not sure that would save it.

Score

I guess I’d give it a 2.5? It’s about the most insipid thing I’ve ever eaten. It’s sadness in a loaf shape.

For my contribution to eradicating food poverty today, I’m taking a big bag of food to a woman with a disabled husband and a sick baby who asked for help in a Facebook group I’m in. I won’t give her the rest of my horrid loaf as I’m sure she won’t want it either. I’ll mix it with an egg and give it to the dog.

Poor dog.

 

[HotesTilaire]

Hello sloppers

I’m making cat space brownies this morning.

ingredients:
1-2 Inexplicable eggs
Hammered at your own risk tin of tuna
2tbsp cat nip
Salmon oil or coconut oil all oils are interchangeable if your tuna is in oil all the better
100g (ish) gluten free flour

combine till cake like mixture, bake till a skewer comes out clean. Garnish with licky-lix and extra catnip. Enjoy your cats being off their tits all afternoon

It reads just like a Jack recipe doesn’t it?! 🪐

Spoiler: One smol step for cats…

View attachment 1884312

Spoiler: One giant leap for space kitties

fresh out the oven waiting to decorate View attachment 1884397

@BubbleDuck and @kachoochoo will be all over these

 

[BlairWaldorf86]

I'm here from the future. This recipe is from Tin Cant Camp... WILD.

Total cost 2d.

Pond/sea^ water
Some alphabetti spagetti, rinsed
Far too much Bovril for flavour (1/8th tsp, adjust to taste)

Rating - 1, as in Minus

ETA it isn't actually alphabetti spagetti. It is some miniscule foreign pasta letters and that is the smollest teaspoon ever. Honest.

I am now returning to the picket line.

Poor dog.

Chapeau! This would be a great avatar lol.

 

[VeniVidiVicki]

Poor dog.

He’s so excited to have human food that he gobbled it all up like a greedy goblin. Not sure it’s good for his digestion though so may just chuck the rest. I hate wasting food so that’s my last slopalong. Just such a bloody waste.

 

[kachoochoo]

@BubbleDuck and @kachoochoo will be all over these

these sound delish

but chicken lick e lix is almost as bland as raspberry and lemon curd baked oats

almost

 

[Notmycat]

Chicken lick e lix is the business according to my cats. It's like heroin to them. I forgot what I was doing one day and sucked a bit from a tube, i wasn't keen but as i spat it out, my two kitties fought over it. Dreamies are actually quite nice, I've forgotten myself and ate them a few times,

Better than any of Jacks recipes tho

 

[Gentlemensrelish]

prefacing this with i had to make my own lemon curd due to lidl not carrying it (bbc good food recipe, pretty much "melt butter, lemon and sugar together, then beat in an egg")

and i haven't weighed anything, I'm using the vague rule of thumb that a tbsp is around 25g/1oz

I've halved the amounts of everything, tbh, cos i don't want to waste too much

here we go


ingredients assembled, including the homemade lemon curd that does not perform well (but that's on me)

View attachment 1869924

oats, actually i forgot to halve this, this is 4 tbsp of oats, still kinda meagre, no? the recipe calls for 60g of oats for 2. yikes
View attachment 1869930

YOGHURT

View attachment 1869935

assembled and ive never been more embarrassed in my whole life by the abject failure of my lemon curd (this is not jack's fault)



View attachment 1869953
but this is still after 50 mins at 160

gonna try some now

duck me

i really thought it'd be a solid one, but it is in fact a WET* one!

View attachment 1869999

(*shout out to ma girl john whaite's barmaid pal that time on strictly who screamed "I'M WET!!!" in response to one of his dances in the final)

as with everything that gets a big buildup it's just so blah

bland af, it needs sugar badly. well, it mostly tastes of raspberries and a bit of lemon

I'm just glad that it didn't end up as a hard one, i couldn't have coped with that

in conclusion, put whatever you bleeping like in porridge, don't try to make this

I make my toddler baked oats quite a lot* and I am truly shook by this recipe because they're sliceable. I thought that was the whole deal. I make it the night before and bake it in the morning, surely that's a crucial step? It's wet and then it goes in the fridge for 8 hours and the oats soak up the liquid and then you have a kind of sweet oaty, eggy situation, like a soft breakfast flapjack?

How would this recipe work? How would a gentle sit in a warm oven cook all that liquid off? She doesn't understand beans but is apparently quite confused by oats.

*I think it's absolutely disgusting. Porridge is terrible in all forms

 

[Blurp]

Oh, duck, she's in our local paper. However, shall we just say that she didn't get the usual unadulterated praise that most other cookbook authors get here. There seem to have been, um, problems with some of the dishes.

 

[MavisBeacon]

Oh, duck, she's in our local paper. However, shall we just say that she didn't get the usual unadulterated praise that most other cookbook authors get here. There seem to have been, um, problems with some of the dishes.

View attachment 1895572
View attachment 1895573
View attachment 1895575

This is the same stuff as in the Irish newspaper and the independent. It's clearly been syndicated.

 

[Blurp]

This is the same stuff as in the Irish newspaper and the independent. It's clearly been syndicated.

Yup, but I just thought that I might be free of her for some reason as I don't buy daily papers. It was a shock to see her glaikit face staring up at me.

I just think it's hilarious that out of three recipes, one needed more texture, another cook struggled to bind the patties/fritters, and the third had the same thoughts about the 'risotto' that we did.

 

[HotesTilaire]

Oh, duck, she's in our local paper. However, shall we just say that she didn't get the usual unadulterated praise that most other cookbook authors get here. There seem to have been, um, problems with some of the dishes.

View attachment 1895572
View attachment 1895573
View attachment 1895575

Write in and say the advice is dangerous!