A bonus treat for you. The 'sauce' in action, after simmering for 30 minutes.
I'm sure I can hear it slop.
I'm sure I can hear it slop.
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Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans
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The cake slops have been the most hurtful to watch. There are not many cakes/biscuits/desserts in this world that I would turn down - even if they're a bit tit I still eat more of it than I probably should. It's quite amazing that her cake recipes have been quite this bad...like truly unappetising looking, failed, eggy, collapsed messes. Imagine being really skint and trying to make a cake for your kid or another loved one and rather than go for a 99p box mix with foolproof instructions on the back, you attempt a Jack Monroe cake recipe. Absolutely woeful.
How dare you! She teaches us that a well is a kind of hole.
WARNED.
The suppliers of all that lovely FREE fresh fish concur
When food looks radioactive you know there's a problem.
@That Forensic Man I have decided that I would like to downgrade my upside fish pie to a 2- Terrible, please dear heart x
I must have been in a good mood on the day I cooked it because I was very generous with a 3 - every time I think back to eating it, I get indigestion due to the copious amounts of raw and crunchy chunks of celery, which was the dominating flavour of the whole thing.
There was not enough fish in the recipe for 4 people and it definitely was not a 15 min meal as stated by our Jackie.
I mean it should have actually been called celery in ‘sauce’ on tasteless instant mashed potato with fish.
I must have been in a good mood on the day I cooked it because I was very generous with a 3 - every time I think back to eating it, I get indigestion due to the copious amounts of raw and crunchy chunks of celery, which was the dominating flavour of the whole thing.
There was not enough fish in the recipe for 4 people and it definitely was not a 15 min meal as stated by our Jackie.
I mean it should have actually been called celery in ‘sauce’ on tasteless instant mashed potato with fish.
Yes, absolutely. It was used to infer that a certain type of woman was lazy in the kitchen by using tins and jars to cut corners and save a bit of time for, errr, other things.Puttanesca literally means "in the style of a prostitute" in Italian, ie, the sauce is cheap, easy and quick.
(no, seriously, Italians use the word "puta", meaning prostitute, as a sort of all purpose profanity, so pasta alla puttanesca essentially translates to "pasta with crappy odds and ends thrown into it")
Rather than the fresh produce that a virtuous Italian housewife would use to spend hours over a ragu, laboriously stirring it and crossing herself.
Think Jack, then think Mom.
- Actually, Mom has a recipe for 'Slut Spaghetti' that she's recently rebranded 'Slatterns Spaghetti' so apparently she does have the capacity to retrospectively edit herself. Makes you think.
As if I didn't learn the hard way last time I am going to have a go at this for my lunch today. Anyone fancy taking a guess on how edible it's going to be?
The name made me want to boff my ring up so I'm not hopeful.
Oh my God Dinner
Jack's ingredients 10 years ago (my herbs slightly different as I shopped from a different version but interchangeable don't you know.
70g bacon, 11p (£1.09/670g)
1 chilli (free, grows on my window ledge)
80g spaghetti, 6p (39p/500g)
Fistful each parsley, mint, basil (free, grows on my window ledge)
10ml lemon juice, 2p (60p/250ml)
50g green beans, 7p (£1.40/kg, frozen)
20g Brie, 11p (£1.09/200g)
1 garlic clove, 3p (46p for 2 bulbs with average 8 cloves each)
1/2 courgette, 15p (£1.80/kg, 6 in my bag)
The title suggests food you've got knocking around.
I just had:
garlic
spaghetti
Bottled lemon juice.
So from Sainsbury’s , and calculating the cost basted on whether or not I will use the leftovers.
And chopping herbs in a cup with scissors. I didn't do that. Used knife and board.And not saying if spaghetti water should be salted.
Verdict
In Friends Joey thinks he is talking on the phone to Estelle when she is dead. (in fact it's Phoebe) Joey says "What's it like there?" Phoebe looks round the phone booth and says "It's all right"
Well this was all right.
Well that's my verdict. Nothing special. Left over veg and growing herbs with spaghetti a good idea, and sauce from brie is quite nice. She could have said what veg you could use with this and if cheap cheese would work.
And it was a modest (in size not price) meal for one.
Oh my god it's dinner suggested to me when you've been busy and not prepared and prep something easy from what you got.
That's fair enough, and spaghetti and veg with a sauce made on brie is fair enough, fits the bill.
IF YOU HAVE GOT THOSE INGREDIENTS IN.
Which I hadn't. So it was neither quick nor cheap.
Incidentally in the comments she was pulled up for only 40 gms per portion. She replied saying she wrote this when things were tough and in future she'd recommend 70 gm
70g bacon, 11p (£1.09/670g)
1 chilli (free, grows on my window ledge)
80g spaghetti, 6p (39p/500g)
Fistful each parsley, mint, basil (free, grows on my window ledge)
10ml lemon juice, 2p (60p/250ml)
50g green beans, 7p (£1.40/kg, frozen)
20g Brie, 11p (£1.09/200g)
1 garlic clove, 3p (46p for 2 bulbs with average 8 cloves each)
1/2 courgette, 15p (£1.80/kg, 6 in my bag)
The title suggests food you've got knocking around.
I just had:
garlic
spaghetti
Bottled lemon juice.
So from Sainsbury’s , and calculating the cost basted on whether or not I will use the leftovers.
Ok apart from saying frying pan then sauté pan. I don't even know what that is.
And chopping herbs in a cup with scissors. I didn't do that. Used knife and board.And not saying if spaghetti water should be salted.
Verdict
In Friends Joey thinks he is talking on the phone to Estelle when she is dead. (in fact it's Phoebe) Joey says "What's it like there?" Phoebe looks round the phone booth and says "It's all right"
Well this was all right.
Well that's my verdict. Nothing special. Left over veg and growing herbs with spaghetti a good idea, and sauce from brie is quite nice. She could have said what veg you could use with this and if cheap cheese would work.
And it was a modest (in size not price) meal for one.
Oh my god it's dinner suggested to me when you've been busy and not prepared and prep something easy from what you got.
That's fair enough, and spaghetti and veg with a sauce made on brie is fair enough, fits the bill.
IF YOU HAVE GOT THOSE INGREDIENTS IN.
Which I hadn't. So it was neither quick nor cheap.
Incidentally in the comments she was pulled up for only 40 gms per portion. She replied saying she wrote this when things were tough and in future she'd recommend 70 gm
Yay! I might have a little online mooch today to see if I can find where she might have stolen that from and buggered up the write up because SOMETHING (as well as flavour) was definitely missing….go well, pal.
I was actually going to request this so thankyou tender one x
It has to be better than a 0 surely, although looking at that pyrex jug? It's also in the book Cooking on a Bootstrap as Chillaf (microwave chilli). She says this "serves" 1 so the calories will be interesting, finger in the air says 250.
I enjoy the juxtaposition of her 4p budget recipes with the £265 Mcusta Zanmai supreme ripple knife in the photo for this recipe.
What's your rating dear heart?
"80 g of pasta for two people is a bit tight!" - it should be illegal to write a recipe with less than half a portion as a whole portion
"I have 70g of pasta per person these days!" - Y tho
But most of the website commenters are comment club thick, bacon and brie are delicious? You don't bleeping say?! I've seen this here and there and really don't understand the praise for individual ingredients being 'yummy' it's not like Jack invented bacon or brie.
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My muddled post has lost a bit in the middle. I'll come back later with the scores.I was actually going to request this so thankyou tender one x
It's also in the book Cooking on a Bootstrap as Chillaf (microwave chilli)
What's your rating dear heart?
"80 g of pasta for two people is a bit tight!" - it should be illegal to write a recipe with less than half a portion as a whole portion
"I have 70g of pasta per person these days!" - Y tho
But most of the website commenters are comment club thick, bacon and brie are delicious? You don't bleeping say?! I've seen this here and there and really don't understand the praise for individual ingredients being 'yummy' it's not like Jack invented bacon or brie.
Attachments
Rating amended dear heart, I can imagine what you went through there because the birthday pizza sauce was completely dominated by fennel in a similar way, albeit without the big crunchy bits
There not being enough fish is 100% par for the course now, I don't think a single one of the 58 slops slung so far has reached the say 500-600 calorie meal minimum.
Quoting myself like a ninny to say there’s quite a lot of variations on aubergine and red lentil curry’s but only Jack calls hers a vindaloo.
This is what makes a vindaloo sauce by the way:
Jacks didn’t use any of those things. Note especially the COCONUT MILK. Other recipes recommend a tin of tomatoes because YOU NEED THE ACTUAL LIQUID, not just Jacks imaginary slop.
Seriously she’s an insult to food.
Oh and I found her recipe on her website and look at the picture and compare it to mine. HA.
You can barely even see my poor aubergine and where are all her bleeping onions and garlic lumps?!
Rage.
Not her picture/not her food again?
Like Jack, I gleefully announce I am working on something and then promptly forget about the promises I made.
So it's a bit late, but here's Tuna, Sweetcorn & Mushroom Pasta from Tin Can Cook.
My main annoyance reading this recipe was this particular paragraph:
I grew up eating meals made with condensed soup, as I'm sure many other people did. It's not miraculous, they're designed that way ffs. But in true Jack fashion, all soup (and cooking methods apparently!) are interchangable, so we are using regular soup and boiling it on the hob.
You might be thinking "Socks, this recipe is called Tuna, Sweetcorn and Mushroom Pasta. Why do you have a tin of tomato soup?" Well Dear Reader, I don't fancy wasting my money so I'm going for a tin I already had.
Pasta: Free
Soup: Free
Sweetcorn: 50p
Tuna: 55p x 2 = £1.10. Jack's recipe calls for a 160g can of tuna which I couldn't find. She does state I can use 2 tins if I can spare them but I SHANT.
Total: £1.60
Grated cheese is also on the list but Jack says it's no worries if I don't have it, so I'm not worrying
Ratings:
Ingredients: 4, easy to get and cheap. This recipe serves four. In the pan looks like a lot of food, however you're still only getting 50g of pasta, 100g of soup, 80g of sweetcorn and 40g of tuna each.
Recipe: 0, cooking the pasta in watery soup is a terrible idea. Confusing timings for cooking the pasta.
Visual appeal: N/A if I had used mushroom soup it would have looked better so I'm not going to rate this.
Texture: 0, it's slop. Cooking the pasta first and then stirring through the soup would have been so much better. At least then the soup would be thicker and act more like a sauce. Adding the sweetcorn and tuna makes the water-soup look thicker than it actually is.
Taste: 0, It tastes of nothing. The pasta tastes of nothing. There's a vague hint of watery tomato because normal soups are not concentrated in flavour enough to withstand being diluted. I can't taste the tuna as it's disintegrated. I can taste the sweetcorn but that's only because there's so bloody much of it. More tuna and less sweetcorn would have been better.
Overall: 1. Sure it's edible compared to some of her other recipes (which is the only reason I'm not giving it a 0)but it's just not good. Poor people deserve food which is better than just "technically edible"
If she had followed her mum's process of baking everything in the oven (and using condensed soup!) I'm sure it would have been much better. I doubt she tested this recipe otherwise she would have realised the second tin of water is unnecessary. It's as if she's just imagined how the recipe could be cooked on a hob to fit her narrative of low energy cooking.
So it's a bit late, but here's Tuna, Sweetcorn & Mushroom Pasta from Tin Can Cook.
My main annoyance reading this recipe was this particular paragraph:
I grew up eating meals made with condensed soup, as I'm sure many other people did. It's not miraculous, they're designed that way ffs. But in true Jack fashion, all soup (and cooking methods apparently!) are interchangable, so we are using regular soup and boiling it on the hob.
You might be thinking "Socks, this recipe is called Tuna, Sweetcorn and Mushroom Pasta. Why do you have a tin of tomato soup?" Well Dear Reader, I don't fancy wasting my money so I'm going for a tin I already had.
Pasta: Free
Soup: Free
Sweetcorn: 50p
Tuna: 55p x 2 = £1.10. Jack's recipe calls for a 160g can of tuna which I couldn't find. She does state I can use 2 tins if I can spare them but I SHANT.
Total: £1.60
Grated cheese is also on the list but Jack says it's no worries if I don't have it, so I'm not worrying
Into a large saucepan goes on pasta, then soup, then I dutifully fill the tin with water and add that too. Jack tells me to refill the tin again and stand it to one side as I will need it later.
I bring the watery soup to the boil. A piece of macaroni stares back at me.
At this point I question my sanity.
The recipe says cook for 10-12 minutes. After 12 minutes the pasta is nowhere near cooked. Jack has further instructions for me to keep checking whether the pasta is cooked and that pasta cooked in sauce takes longer than the packet instructions and she usually multiplies the given time on the packet by 1.5. My macaroni takes 13 minutes to cook so multiplied by 1.5 gives 19 minutes cooking time. It took 22 minutes in total to cook.
At this point I question my sanity.
The recipe says cook for 10-12 minutes. After 12 minutes the pasta is nowhere near cooked. Jack has further instructions for me to keep checking whether the pasta is cooked and that pasta cooked in sauce takes longer than the packet instructions and she usually multiplies the given time on the packet by 1.5. My macaroni takes 13 minutes to cook so multiplied by 1.5 gives 19 minutes cooking time. It took 22 minutes in total to cook.
I'm supposed to add water as I need it to stop the water-soup sticking to the bottom of the pan and burning. This is how much I had left over. It's uust unnecessary.
Ratings:
Ingredients: 4, easy to get and cheap. This recipe serves four. In the pan looks like a lot of food, however you're still only getting 50g of pasta, 100g of soup, 80g of sweetcorn and 40g of tuna each.
Recipe: 0, cooking the pasta in watery soup is a terrible idea. Confusing timings for cooking the pasta.
Visual appeal: N/A if I had used mushroom soup it would have looked better so I'm not going to rate this.
Texture: 0, it's slop. Cooking the pasta first and then stirring through the soup would have been so much better. At least then the soup would be thicker and act more like a sauce. Adding the sweetcorn and tuna makes the water-soup look thicker than it actually is.
Taste: 0, It tastes of nothing. The pasta tastes of nothing. There's a vague hint of watery tomato because normal soups are not concentrated in flavour enough to withstand being diluted. I can't taste the tuna as it's disintegrated. I can taste the sweetcorn but that's only because there's so bloody much of it. More tuna and less sweetcorn would have been better.
Overall: 1. Sure it's edible compared to some of her other recipes (which is the only reason I'm not giving it a 0)but it's just not good. Poor people deserve food which is better than just "technically edible"
If she had followed her mum's process of baking everything in the oven (and using condensed soup!) I'm sure it would have been much better. I doubt she tested this recipe otherwise she would have realised the second tin of water is unnecessary. It's as if she's just imagined how the recipe could be cooked on a hob to fit her narrative of low energy cooking.
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The fat/flour/sugar ratio is all to cock in that recipe, so no wonder they turned out as they did. I know there are lots of different cake/sponge pudding recipes out there but as a rule, it's usually always the same amount of all dry ingredients plus however many eggs.
So for that recipe, it should be 100g each of flour/fat/sugar plus the two eggs. The other way to do it to make it work would be to weigh the two eggs in their shells and then weigh out the same amount of flour/fat/sugar (so if your eggs weigh 107g each for instance, then the same weight of your flour, fat, sugar)
Cutting the fat/sugar isn't being economical, it's spoiling the ship for a ha'porth of tar - no wonder you ended up with rubbery biscuits... HOW CAN SHE DARE DO THIS TO FOOD AND IT GET PUBLISHED???
My mum taught me how to make cakes as a kid. Using granulated sugar instead of caster, and some sort of margarine instead of butter are good economies, otherwise follow the recipe. She made them by hand (no mixer) and the secret is to beat plenty of air in during the butter, sugar and egg stages, then add the sifted flour gently. Making cakes is easy once you know how.
Well done to all the fraus subjecting themselves to the slops 
. I knew she was (allegedly your honour) a grifting pov-player, but I didn’t realise just how awful the recipes were. Well, aside from the bean and hoop rinsing. I feel very sorry for the poor people who don’t know how to cook who’ve spent a few quid they can ill afford to make one of her monstrosities.
. I knew she was (allegedly your honour) a grifting pov-player, but I didn’t realise just how awful the recipes were. Well, aside from the bean and hoop rinsing. I feel very sorry for the poor people who don’t know how to cook who’ve spent a few quid they can ill afford to make one of her monstrosities.