Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley

[PermanentEyeRolls]

Nadiya recently did an ice cream cake recipe, it looked amazing. Can any learned fraus tell me if this is even worth trying?

Marbled ice cream loaf cake recipe

Simple to make, with a surprising hero ingredient: defrosted ice cream. Nadiya’s marbled ice cream loaf cake will soon become one of your favourites.

www.google.com

I've just noticed how low the reviews are on this so I guess that answers my question!

 

[Hold my beans]

Her obsession with her grandfather is so weird, he sounds like a piece of work and she wants to emulate it? (done)

I think it's a way to connect to her immigrant audience (buyers/suckers) or anyone with or having lost a grandad.

 

[MavisBeacon]

@That Forensic Man lardy bins

Jaffa mug cake - for anyone who wants to try

Interesting - the recipe on her blog says to use self raising flour, the Guardian recipe says SR flour OR bread flour, while the book says plain flour. I guess all flours are interchangeable? (Dear reader they are not). I really do not understand why she bakes yeasted bread products with SR flour. All the other lardy cake recipes I've seen use bread flour, which has a high gluten content and gives you a nice fluffy texture.

Adding "flour" to the list of things she doesn't understand, including beans and olive oil (as per that mumsnet video)

 

[Lazarus]

I think it's a way to connect to her immigrant audience (buyers/suckers) or anyone with or having lost a grandad.

I think the favouritism she shows to her dad and grandad is to do with her view that they’re the ones with the money.
She only mentions her mum when she wants to use her disabilities as a deflection tactic. As far as I know her grandmother is still alive and yet she never elicits a mention. Dad/Grandad only.

 

[Smol Pixel]

Interesting - the recipe on her blog says to use self raising flour, the Guardian recipe says SR flour OR bread flour, while the book says plain flour. I guess all flours are interchangeable? (Dear reader they are not). I really do not understand why she bakes yeasted bread products with SR flour. All the other lardy cake recipes I've seen use bread flour, which has a high gluten content and gives you a nice fluffy texture.

Adding "flour" to the list of things she doesn't understand, including beans and olive oil (as per that mumsnet video)

Things Jack doesn’t understand:
Beans
Oil
Flour
Yeast
Cooking
Budgeting
Truth

 

[Lauradianalou]

Two-ingredient Cake: today’s the day!

This will be tough, my darlings, but so am I

I unscrewed my lightbulb for maximum authenticity when I took the photo of the recipe. Hope y’all appreciate my FORENSIC attention to detail here.

See you on the other side! TOOT TOOT
View attachment 1710910View attachment 1710911

"Fellow rule bending maverick..." F*ck off....

 

[FlusterCuck]

I edited my post above but I think the most unadulterated version would be her website, she goes on about yeast being living and how she used to use boiling water etc. lol which has all been removed for The Guardian. The basting egg becomes optional for The Guardian and she has costing on the website.

Private Site

cookingonabootstrap.com

You dodged a bullet there because the G recipe makes no mention of adding the yeast, just the water. If you were an inexperienced cook or hadn’t used yeast before this recipe is useless. When did self raising flour become part of any yeast recipe? If yeast is your raising agent then you don’t need another one in the flour and don’t get me started on the lack of lamination in those buns but what do I know, I’m not the author of a single cookery book.

 

[InTheVillage]

Apologies all, I did a Jack. Promised my review last night and didn't deliver. I wrote my post, photos, spoilers and all, then deleted it by accident. Got in a strop and went to bed. I'll do it later, for now I am BUSY!!

If you can't wait, it didnt work.

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

What do we think? I’m not sure if this is in any of her books, if someone has the original?

Jack Monroe’s lardy cake recipe | Food | The Guardian

<strong>Jack Monroe:</strong> This sweet, fatty, carb-laden treat is a satisying, occasional comfort on a winter’s day. Just don’t eat it every day!

amp.theguardian.com

The proportions look off compared to this Paul Hollywood recipe and this on BBC Good Food - she's halved the flour but there's more fat in there than I'd expect for that much flour, for example.

 

[Nonah]

Coming from the past to ask about Gnocchi. Why would you heat the already cooked potatoes? Surely that would make it all the more difficult than mashing and forming them cold, then cooking them?

 

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

Coming from the past to ask about Gnocchi. Why would you heat the already cooked potatoes? Surely that would make it all the more difficult than mashing and forming them cold, then cooking them?

You know the answer (insert Maverick gif)

and it’s tinned potatoes rather than fresh because that’s what the povs eat, they are too feckless right eat fresh food. Just ready meals unless Jack helps them with her ‘recipes’

 

[heastlanda]

I've been lurking on this page for a while but have now registered- please excuse any really bad mistakes I make.

I'd like to nominate myself for this delight if that's OK. I like lentils, I like oranges so this sounds like the sort of thing I would enjoy. I also need to drag my arse to Tesco this morning as well. I'm not using coriander though because that stuff's just pure poison.

 

[That Forensic Man]

I don’t know how you will follow the recipe. She tells you to make a well with no further explanation. How will you figure out what this means???

I want to make a dessert to follow my “inside of a food waste bin” main course. Can’t decide between these two. Anyone want to cast a vote?

‘Jaffa Cake’ Mug Pudding from Good Food For Bad Days by Jack Monroe

This is a very dangerous piece of knowledge to have; the ability to rustle up a hot sticky pudding in a matter of minutes that tastes like a pile of melted Jaffa cakes. Once you know it, you can ne...

app.ckbk.com

Sleazecake from Good Food For Bad Days by Jack Monroe

Not quite the baked, creamy succulence of a traditional cheesecake, but a reasonable substitute in a hurry.

app.ckbk.com

Or actually even this potential monstrosity

Ice Cream Cake from Good Food For Bad Days by Jack Monroe

Ice cream is my catch-all, cheer-up indulgence, eaten by the pint in front of light comedic television or crime-scene dramas, depending on my mood. One Saturday evening, alone, I found myself partw...

app.ckbk.com

JCMP please tender one x
I found a couple of fascinating recipes on that website from Veganish
"I want filth and goo, but you may think otherwise"
Indeed

The Big Jack from Vegan(ish) by Jack Monroe

Sometimes I am overcome with a sense of culinary mischief; a need to meddle in tried-and-tested popular dishes to see if I can recreate my own versions of them. This is one of those times. The usua...

app.ckbk.com

Breakfast MuckMuffin from Vegan(ish) by Jack Monroe

I started with a standard McMuffin as my point of reference for this recipe, thinking I would recreate the beef patty and egg in a white muffin with a slice of American cheese. It’s not where I end...

app.ckbk.com

 

[House of Carbonara]

I don’t know how you will follow the recipe. She tells you to make a well with no further explanation. How will you figure out what this means???

I want to make a dessert to follow my “inside of a food waste bin” main course. Can’t decide between these two. Anyone want to cast a vote?

‘Jaffa Cake’ Mug Pudding from Good Food For Bad Days by Jack Monroe

This is a very dangerous piece of knowledge to have; the ability to rustle up a hot sticky pudding in a matter of minutes that tastes like a pile of melted Jaffa cakes. Once you know it, you can ne...

app.ckbk.com

Sleazecake from Good Food For Bad Days by Jack Monroe

Not quite the baked, creamy succulence of a traditional cheesecake, but a reasonable substitute in a hurry.

app.ckbk.com

Or actually even this potential monstrosity

Ice Cream Cake from Good Food For Bad Days by Jack Monroe

Ice cream is my catch-all, cheer-up indulgence, eaten by the pint in front of light comedic television or crime-scene dramas, depending on my mood. One Saturday evening, alone, I found myself partw...

app.ckbk.com

The jaffa cake thing sounds potentially interesting (I Jaffa Cakes), however: add sugar and/or honey when you already have 4 tbsp of very sweet stuff? Also, why that much oil?
Off to have a look at what's on offer online recipe wise.

 

[Captainmouse]

Things Jack doesn’t understand:
Beans
Oil
Flour
Yeast
Cooking
Budgeting
Truth

The english language
empathy

 

[That Forensic Man]

I've been lurking on this page for a while but have now registered- please excuse any really bad mistakes I make.

I'd like to nominate myself for this delight if that's OK. I like lentils, I like oranges so this sounds like the sort of thing I would enjoy. I also need to drag my arse to Tesco this morning as well. I'm not using coriander though because that stuff's just pure poison.

Welcome dear heart, I've put you down as volunteer 99!
KweanOfMean is also down for doing the Red Lentil and Mandarin Curry at no. 14, WARNED.
But trying some recipes twice is extra forensic
That recipe also featured in Tin Can Cook @Notmycat could you please provide for comparison purposes. The website was 2018 and book was 2019.

ETA I was planning to run through the list and check if website ones are also in books, in case we missed any

 

[Smol Pixel]

Thank(space)you for your votings, sloppers. Jaffa cake mug pudding it shall be.

However, having sampled the moussaka on two separate days 48 hours apart, I can confirm that it has a similar effect on one’s innards as that prune smoothie. So I may wait a couple of days before subjecting myself to another Jack recipe. Go well x

The english language
empathy

I feel like this list needs adding to the wiki

 

[That Forensic Man]

I made the Lardy buns once. I shan’t say anymore but fascinated to see how they turn out if you make them.
I have been lurking on this thread and enjoying it. Particularly because I hadn’t realised how much making her recipes had turned me off cooking because I felt they were my fault if they didn’t work. Seeing that they are just not designed to work (in most cases) is very reassuring.

I know that feel tender one, I have to admit I've been avoiding making the pizza dough because a. I've never made dough before and b. I don't want to have to use the leftover tomato fennel sauce. It put me right off and I'm not big on leftovers anyway, they generally turn my stomach.
I decided last night I'm going to use another sauce and not compound the recipes. I just can't see myself ever wanting to make the pizza with her sauce and soon it will be a bit dicey to do so anyway.

 

[Potatoes O’Houlihan]

Sorry my ‘coming soon’ on a recipe I’d excitedly thought had actually worked hasn’t materialised yet - I’ve been BUSY.
However, I’d like to retract that comment I made earlier in this thread that I’d found a recipe that worked... I had not followed the recipe correctly and I used my own kitchen instincts without realising.
Recipe still not her original idea though, I’ll stand by that. It doesn’t require any cooking so that’s still true as well.
As to the recipe: I will write up ‘Sardine Rillettes’ from Tin bleepCook (Asda Edition) very soon, promise! ( @That Forensic Man x )

Ps I think we will need to start up a traumatised JM cake bakers support group at this rate...

 

[House of Carbonara]

JCMP please tender one x
I found a couple of fascinating recipes on that website from Veganish
"I want filth and goo, but you may think otherwise"
Indeed

The Big Jack from Vegan(ish) by Jack Monroe

Sometimes I am overcome with a sense of culinary mischief; a need to meddle in tried-and-tested popular dishes to see if I can recreate my own versions of them. This is one of those times. The usua...

app.ckbk.com

Breakfast MuckMuffin from Vegan(ish) by Jack Monroe

I started with a standard McMuffin as my point of reference for this recipe, thinking I would recreate the beef patty and egg in a white muffin with a slice of American cheese. It’s not where I end...

app.ckbk.com

Why cook rice for 20 minutes? Twice the amount of water (ie: 2 cups of water to 1 cup of rice) in a bowl, 10 minutes full whack in the microwave and you're done.
The ingredients make no sense in either recipe, and there is *no* way she made either type of patty - just look at the perfect shape if them...