The intro!! duck me she's deluded, that's really made me laugh. What a bellend.
Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley
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Ah, but it’s just like her normal belly pork; the one she served up alongside, the slippery sloppery get-out clause minx. I wonder how she prepared that. Really makes you think.
This might actually be one of the most poorly constructed, convoluted and overwrought sentences I’ve ever read, and yet she’s so pleased with herself.
I am begging someone, anyone, Jack, Carol, Rosemary, @CarolineWhoHasHands: get a frigging editor who is good at their job.
I am begging someone, anyone, Jack, Carol, Rosemary, @CarolineWhoHasHands: get a frigging editor who is good at their job.
Incredible work and commitment to the cause, liebe Frau. And I am never going to forget the word "bollocknaise" as long as I liveThis was a difficult one to do precisely to Jack’s instructions as, well, there hardly were any.
I used the Post Office video and managed to find a couple more details about the recipe, but it’s been deleted off the website.
View attachment 1723874
View attachment 1723876
In the video she says that you only need tinned tomatoes, mozzarella, sausages, lasagne sheets, mixed herbs and a sprinkle of‘cheese’.
When I clicked on the link there for more info I got this weird tit?
View attachment 1723902In her Facebook post where she shared it there’s onions in the picture and a lot more than a sprinkle of cheese, so WFK? Maybe she was *gasp* trying to cost it as low as possible?!
View attachment 1723881
So based off the info available to e as ‘someone who wanted to make it’ I just went with that! The video itself is vague AF.
View attachment 1723890
I didn’t get mixed herbs because I don’t use them and I thought just oregano wouldn’t be that different.
View attachment 1723901
Since she said I only needed a little cheese I just used what I had(FANCY! I love cheese, I buy nice cheese)
View attachment 1723908
So here’s the ensemble! Complete with anaemic sausages.
View attachment 1723913
I defrosted the sausage and went to *shudders* deglove them with one of myrustytrusty knives!
View attachment 1723914
As I said before the skin on these things is bizarre. The discarded plastic looked like condoms used by someone who should definitely get looked at by a doctor.
View attachment 1723916
The actual sausage ‘meat’ looked like the time I walked my friend’s dog who was very ill and had new meds that upset his tummy.
View attachment 1723918
Everything was ready to go! I found the concept of pouring tinned tomatoes straight into it so weird, it didn’t feel right.
View attachment 1723919
I only used a little tray and half of most of the ingredients as I didn’t want to be wasteful. She says to layer until ‘you run out of sausages’ but I ran out of tomatoes much faster.
View attachment 1723921
There was a pitiful amount of mozzarella dispute it being a much higher ratio than she used in her’s.
So into the oven! She didn’t say what temp or for how long so I put it in at 180c and waited until ‘most’ of what looked like slightly red water had been absorbed.
View attachment 1723922
I kept checking and it took ages for it to look golden or not like it had a moat around it. It probably stayed for for about an hour before I took it out as I didn’t want it to be completely burned.
View attachment 1723925
VERDICT:
What I was left with was some ‘surprisingly’ cooked pasta sheets with a very very bland and undercooked tomato substance around them.
View attachment 1723928
I was actually quite hopeful when I got it out as it just smelled like tomatoand I could see that the pasta seemed to be cooked which I wasn’t expecting!
View attachment 1723930
Unfortunately, it’s not lasagne at all. It’s pasta with some very undercooked tomato and little lumps of bland boiled Bollock sausage. The cheese was basically not there. Because it was just mozzarella, because there barely was any and because it was layered it ended up being completely rubbery and tasteless. The cheddar I used was lost, the bits you could taste were crispy and burned.
View attachment 1723935
Jack said that the cheap sausages would ‘disintegrate’ (she has some an appetising way with words doesn’t she?) and be more like mince. That was completely wrong! It just stuck together in lumps, probably because it’s so cheap and is mostly binding agent? And it got all rubbery and wet. It’s like it didn’t absorb the tomato at all.
My sister and I didn’t want to waste it so we picked at the pasta and cheese which were edible to some degree? But the sausages and chunks of semi raw tomato were foul.
Rating is 2 (I’m in a very generous mood) because it’s mostly edible and didn’t make anyone throw up.
Cost wise, it was pretty cheap. I wanted to get an Asda essentials lasagne to compare but they were sold out. I’m not a fan of ready meal lasagnes because it’s one of my favourite foods and if I’m going to have it I want it to be really good, but this is by far the worst lasagne I’ve ever had and I’d have a ready meal one (which would be cheaper) anyday in all honesty. Actually, we had a hankering so had a frozen vegetable lasagne at midnight instead because we were hungry.
View attachment 1723943
What I would recommend that wouldn’t raise the cost much at all:
1. Cook the tinned tomatoes on the hob with garlic, herbs and onions before adding it to the dish. I always cook more than I need for the lasagne and then save some to have as bolognaise. Personally I use passata not tinned tomatoes (chopped or plum) because I’m not a fan of the lumps.
2. Make a bleeping béchamel. It’s flour, butter/oil/whatever and milk. Even if you don’t want to put a lot of cheese in to keep the price down it will add different textures and stop it from being so boring and depressing.
3. Use vegetables or veggie mince. Especially veggie mince because they’re not expensive these days and you can get a big frozen bag that will last a few meals.
Done, as an aside I was talking to my sister about what to make with the leftover sausages and she suggested ‘bollocknaise’.
Hope you're feeling better today, dear heart xApologies I can't find dal makhani, I'm slow on replying to messages tonight.migraine.
Well the Dal Makhani recipe is a bit of a mystery.
It's listed in the Wiki under Cooking on a Bootstrap (as Makhani Dal) but I'm struggling to find it anywhere online other than the BBC Food website. It's mentioned as being one of the dishes in the 'Five for Five'ebook she did for Oxfam but I can't track a copy down.
Lads, I have a confession to make ...
I've just realised I did a chaos when I was cooking yesterday and misread the recipe. I put double the amount of garlic and ginger paste in because I read it as 2 tbsp of each rather than 2 tbsp of a ginger and garlic paste (ready mixed). I've also realised I accidentally used a (larger) serving spoon to measure out the curry powder rather than a tablespoon
What a duck up (and I was sober at that point). I'm going to 'do a Jack' and blame it on my son for distracting me by causing me to rant about the grifting.
I should have realised something was wrong when the dish had heat and depth of taste.
Anyway, bearing in mind I added way more spice and flavour than I should, my award of 4 is most likely highly inaccurate. I don't have the time, ingredients or willpower to make it again so I think it's best if it's just deleted from the Wiki. I'll report my recipe post and ask for it to be deleted because I don't want to mislead any Fraus who are hoping for a decent recipe.
I'm such a twit
ETA: Have removed it from the Wiki and self-reported my recipe post
Last edited:
Aw no! That’s a shame.Hope you're feeling better today, dear heart x
Well the Dal Makhani recipe is a bit of a mystery.
It's listed in the Wiki under Cooking on a Bootstrap (as Makhani Dal) but I'm struggling to find it anywhere online other than the BBC Food website. It's mentioned as being one of the dishes in the 'Five for Five'ebook she did for Oxfam but I can't track a copy down.
Lads, I have a confession to make ...
I've just realised I did a chaos when I was cooking yesterday and misread the recipe. I put double the amount of garlic and ginger paste in because I read it as 2 tbsp of each rather than 2 tbsp of a ginger and garlic paste (ready mixed). I've also realised I accidentally used a (larger) serving spoon to measure out the curry powder rather than a tablespoon
What a duck up (and I was sober at that point). I'm going to 'do a Jack' and blame it on my son for distracting me by causing me to rant about the grifting.
I should have realised something was wrong when the dish had heat and depth of taste.
Anyway, bearing in mind I added way more spice and flavour than I should, my award of 4 is most likely highly inaccurate. I don't have the time, ingredients or willpower to make it again so I think it's best if it's just deleted from the Wiki. I'll report my recipe post and ask for it to be deleted because I don't want to mislead any Fraus who are hoping for a decent recipe.
I'm such a twit
ETA: Have removed it from the Wiki and self-reported my recipe post
How does she use 3 pans for lasagne? There’s the meat sauce, the bechamel… why does she make 3 pans dirty? Or is she just (gasp) lying for dramatic effect?This was a difficult one to do precisely to Jack’s instructions as, well, there hardly were any.
I used the Post Office video and managed to find a couple more details about the recipe, but it’s been deleted off the website.
View attachment 1723874
View attachment 1723876
In the video she says that you only need tinned tomatoes, mozzarella, sausages, lasagne sheets, mixed herbs and a sprinkle of‘cheese’.
When I clicked on the link there for more info I got this weird tit?
View attachment 1723902In her Facebook post where she shared it there’s onions in the picture and a lot more than a sprinkle of cheese, so WFK? Maybe she was *gasp* trying to cost it as low as possible?!
View attachment 1723881
So based off the info available to e as ‘someone who wanted to make it’ I just went with that! The video itself is vague AF.
View attachment 1723890
I didn’t get mixed herbs because I don’t use them and I thought just oregano wouldn’t be that different.
View attachment 1723901
Since she said I only needed a little cheese I just used what I had
View attachment 1723908
So here’s the ensemble! Complete with anaemic sausages.
View attachment 1723913
I defrosted the sausage and went to *shudders* deglove them with one of myrustytrusty knives!
View attachment 1723914
As I said before the skin on these things is bizarre. The discarded plastic looked like condoms used by someone who should definitely get looked at by a doctor.
View attachment 1723916
The actual sausage ‘meat’ looked like the time I walked my friend’s dog who was very ill and had new meds that upset his tummy.
View attachment 1723918
Everything was ready to go! I found the concept of pouring tinned tomatoes straight into it so weird, it didn’t feel right.
View attachment 1723919
I only used a little tray and half of most of the ingredients as I didn’t want to be wasteful. She says to layer until ‘you run out of sausages’ but I ran out of tomatoes much faster.
View attachment 1723921
There was a pitiful amount of mozzarella dispute it being a much higher ratio than she used in her’s.
So into the oven! She didn’t say what temp or for how long so I put it in at 180c and waited until ‘most’ of what looked like slightly red water had been absorbed.
View attachment 1723922
I kept checking and it took ages for it to look golden or not like it had a moat around it. It probably stayed for for about an hour before I took it out as I didn’t want it to be completely burned.
View attachment 1723925
VERDICT:
What I was left with was some ‘surprisingly’ cooked pasta sheets with a very very bland and undercooked tomato substance around them.
View attachment 1723928
I was actually quite hopeful when I got it out as it just smelled like tomato
View attachment 1723930
Unfortunately, it’s not lasagne at all. It’s pasta with some very undercooked tomato and little lumps of bland boiled Bollock sausage. The cheese was basically not there. Because it was just mozzarella, because there barely was any and because it was layered it ended up being completely rubbery and tasteless. The cheddar I used was lost, the bits you could taste were crispy and burned.
View attachment 1723935
Jack said that the cheap sausages would ‘disintegrate’ (she has some an appetising way with words doesn’t she?) and be more like mince. That was completely wrong! It just stuck together in lumps, probably because it’s so cheap and is mostly binding agent? And it got all rubbery and wet. It’s like it didn’t absorb the tomato at all.
My sister and I didn’t want to waste it so we picked at the pasta and cheese which were edible to some degree? But the sausages and chunks of semi raw tomato were foul.
Rating is 2 (I’m in a very generous mood) because it’s mostly edible and didn’t make anyone throw up.
Cost wise, it was pretty cheap. I wanted to get an Asda essentials lasagne to compare but they were sold out. I’m not a fan of ready meal lasagnes because it’s one of my favourite foods and if I’m going to have it I want it to be really good, but this is by far the worst lasagne I’ve ever had and I’d have a ready meal one (which would be cheaper) anyday in all honesty. Actually, we had a hankering so had a frozen vegetable lasagne at midnight instead because we were hungry.
View attachment 1723943
What I would recommend that wouldn’t raise the cost much at all:
1. Cook the tinned tomatoes on the hob with garlic, herbs and onions before adding it to the dish. I always cook more than I need for the lasagne and then save some to have as bolognaise. Personally I use passata not tinned tomatoes (chopped or plum) because I’m not a fan of the lumps.
2. Make a bleeping béchamel. It’s flour, butter/oil/whatever and milk. Even if you don’t want to put a lot of cheese in to keep the price down it will add different textures and stop it from being so boring and depressing.
3. Use vegetables or veggie mince. Especially veggie mince because they’re not expensive these days and you can get a big frozen bag that will last a few meals.
Done, as an aside I was talking to my sister about what to make with the leftover sausages and she suggested ‘bollocknaise’.
I don't usually measure things out when cooking, I do it by eye but was determined to stick to the recipe (haha). I got what I thought was a tablespoon out to measure the curry powder but realised this morning that I'd used a larger spoon. With the garlic and ginger paste I misread it as 2 tablespoons each so I squeezed just under half of an 80g tube of each into the pan.
On the plus side, my version tasted pretty decent
Oh dear, we could downgrade it to a 3? Or maybe someone else wants to try it? I like daal and kidney beans so I wouldn’t mind giving it a go sometime.
I’m sure it was. It really put me in the mood for dal makhani yesterday so II don't usually measure things out when cooking, I do it by eye but was determined to stick to the recipe (haha). I got what I thought was a tablespoon out to measure the curry powder but realised this morning that I'd used a larger spoon. With the garlic and ginger paste I misread it as 2 tablespoons each so I squeezed just under half of an 80g tube of each into the pan.
On the plus side, my version tasted pretty decent
This sentence surely has to be our next thread title? It's absolutely amazing. I can't stop laughing
I was debating about downgrading it to a 3 but felt that would be cheating. For all I know it could have ended up as a 2 if I'd done it properly
It seems more honest to just expunge it from the thread/Wiki.Yes, tender one - do give it a go. Properly. Unlike me.
I don't know what was wrong with my eyesight yesterday, monumental cock up!
Even the ingredients look sinister for this one.
See, I thought it was strange that one of recipes was actually edible... The accidental right amount of spices made all the difference.I was debating about downgrading it to a 3 but felt that would be cheating. For all I know it could have ended up as a 2 if I'd done it properly
Yes, tender one - do give it a go. Properly. Unlike me.
I don't know what was wrong with my eyesight yesterday, monumental cock up!
I am back from holiday and about to shop for the slopalong ingredients for the Carbrie-nara and Roman pasta with mandarins. 
Regretting my life choices right about now.
Bet you are all looking forward to it a lot more than Mr McHaggis whose response when I explained the afternoon's events was something along the the lines of "Why the duck would you cook that?" Good job we've been married a long time.
Feeling a bit of performance pressure if I'm honest - the slopalongs have been so good!!
Regretting my life choices right about now.Bet you are all looking forward to it a lot more than Mr McHaggis whose response when I explained the afternoon's events was something along the the lines of "Why the duck would you cook that?" Good job we've been married a long time.
Feeling a bit of performance pressure if I'm honest - the slopalongs have been so good!!
I like the egg in the WASOH
I was trying to make it look as inexplicable as possible
@LadyGarden found it. Thanks to @That Forensic Man.
Migraine is on day 4 but thankfully today I was due to do my monthly injection so hopefully it will LEAVE asap. My eyesight is in double vision so thankfully I have my slop done as otherwise I might have doubled the quantities. Cos 344% ain't it
Migraine is on day 4 but thankfully today I was due to do my monthly injection so hopefully it will LEAVE asap. My eyesight is in double vision so thankfully I have my slop done as otherwise I might have doubled the quantities. Cos 344% ain't it
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