What I find surprising is the use of tinned sardines while supposedly on holiday in Spain - the fresh ones are (or were) a few € per kg, why go for tins?
Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley
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Sticky brown poo
Do you seriously think Jack has the skill set required to prepare and cook a whole fish from fresh?
That is so bad. I actually googled the recipe on her blog because it's unbelievable. You have followed the recipe as it's written. Do we think she's missed out a crucial ingredient like tinned tomatoes and maybe stock?! There's also a few typos in the recipe write up. Including this one. Which I feel is some sort of sign.
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I tried a bit. It tastes mostly of lemon. It’s not good.Oh, I did laugh out loud….
Eat it! (I wouldn’t)
do we think her publishers/editor are virtual people? Or cardboard cutouts 
nobody with an ounce of common sense would publish 7 books of fantasy recipes. Not tested, not proof read, not nutritionally checkEd, nothing
nobody with an ounce of common sense would publish 7 books of fantasy recipes. Not tested, not proof read, not nutritionally checkEd, nothing
And so it is time. Time for me to make Mushroom & Tea Bourgignon.
The Preamble
I'm vegan and I love tea so this should be an easy win. However, I've been to the gym and had a quick 'yomp' around the woods so I'm hungry. I'm perimenopausal. My tolerance for bullshit is limited.
The ingredients
i only had to pay for the mushrooms (£2.70). The rest I had in stock so they were free. Jack likes hers “slopped‘ (mmmmm) onto rice or with greens. I couldnt work out whether this was included in the costings or not. I forgot to include the garlic and purée in the photo but I did use them.
The revelation that other shops sell onions and mushrooms (not just sainsburys) was life changing. Jack also said she would amend the costs on Tuesday if those sneaky supermarkets put their prices up. I don’t know if the 41p in the title is pre or post.
The Process
i found the biggest mug I could find. At this stage, I’ve no idea if my mug choice is ironic or not.
The method to chop onions was inspired by her friend (@Valiofthedolls you can add to this morning’s list!) suspect adding them to a cold pan was not.
I was confused by removing teabags (plural) from the mug as earlier it was only singular. The mushrooms went in raw and not fried beforehand. This felt odd. I can only hope that the “flavours meld together in a super delicious way “.
The Result
it was…fine. I couldn’t really taste the tea. it would be massively improved by cooking the mushrooms first. With rice, it could serve 4 people.
My rating: 3~Middle Class.
The Preamble
I'm vegan and I love tea so this should be an easy win. However, I've been to the gym and had a quick 'yomp' around the woods so I'm hungry. I'm perimenopausal. My tolerance for bullshit is limited.
The ingredients
i only had to pay for the mushrooms (£2.70). The rest I had in stock so they were free. Jack likes hers “slopped‘ (mmmmm) onto rice or with greens. I couldnt work out whether this was included in the costings or not. I forgot to include the garlic and purée in the photo but I did use them.
The revelation that other shops sell onions and mushrooms (not just sainsburys) was life changing. Jack also said she would amend the costs on Tuesday if those sneaky supermarkets put their prices up. I don’t know if the 41p in the title is pre or post.
The Process
i found the biggest mug I could find. At this stage, I’ve no idea if my mug choice is ironic or not.
The method to chop onions was inspired by her friend (@Valiofthedolls you can add to this morning’s list!) suspect adding them to a cold pan was not.
I was confused by removing teabags (plural) from the mug as earlier it was only singular. The mushrooms went in raw and not fried beforehand. This felt odd. I can only hope that the “flavours meld together in a super delicious way “.
The Result
it was…fine. I couldn’t really taste the tea. it would be massively improved by cooking the mushrooms first. With rice, it could serve 4 people.
My rating: 3~Middle Class.
Attachments
Because the tinned sardines were 1€ for 3 tins dearheart. Everyone declared them The Best Ever and ate them every single day of the holiday
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Wetter than an otters pocket! You are brave!
The bread! Oh my god. She has to be trolling..... everyone?
1 direI knew this was going to be bad but didn't expect it to be that bad. 3 whole onions! Plus you had to make 3 corrections to get the job done for oil then water twice, not good. It's supposed to be a vindaloo but that's just offensive.
Also 'motion' approved
Now hand over Jasper
Thankyou HoC x
I think 20g of butter would have done the job and I only had olive oil not sunflower or 'groundnut' (peanut). Come to think of it I don't think I've ever seen olive oil in her recipes.
It said to slice the onions but finely diced or chopped would be better for a sauce, not great big 2" pieces.
It's shocking the sauce has 1 whole tsp fennel seeds but FlirtyThirty's 'vindaloo' has only 1/8 tsp!
Utterly dire. I'll add this video to the media gallery because then we can have them in the wiki as well.
And thankyou for doing the Courgette, Sultana & Lemon Bread tender one x
Would you say both of these are a 1 - dire?
Yes absolutely
She cooked for MARY PORTAS. Warned.
All those middle class squigs replying to hard up posters, telling them to use her recipes have obviously never tried one. Or if they have it's that peach and chickpea curry 
It…geets better? Geets? @Geetbo !!!!
But yes, I am positive she missed an entire step and ingredient, maybe because she stole it from somewhere else because she sure as tit didn’t make this or eat it.
Dal Makhani
I chose this in fairness to Jack as it looked like a decent recipe and I love dal. I knew I'd be able to rescue this if necessary at a relatively low cost, unlike the Creamy Crabby Pasta. It's hard to go wrong with a basic dal, even for Jack.
I used the BBC Food recipe/method which I'm assuming is the same as the Cooking on a Bootstrap one.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/dal_makhani_30779
Prep time: Mysteriously it says that prep time is 30 mins to 1 hour. Seems excessive for rinsing beans/lentils and chopping an onion but who am I to argue with someone who's written 7 books. It took me around 15 minutes including opening the cans. Yay me. The prep time stated on the BBC website might put someone off this recipe but be reassured the prep time is wrong..
Cooking time: Stated as 10-30 minutes despite the final part of the cooking needing to be a 30 minute simmer. I now suspect the BBC (and/or Jack) got the prep and cooking times arse backwards.
Ingredients
Nothing was from a basic range. The lentils were a bit spenny at £1.05 for the tin but they were the only tinned lentils in Sainsbury's. Costings were based on this but obviously the dish could be made cheaper. No coriander because it's the herb of the Devil imo.
Step 1
Ceremonial rinsing of the beans and lentils. No tomato sauce was harmed in the preparation of these ingredients.
Onions, garlic paste, ginger paste, curry powder, half the butter and a pinch of cayenne added to the pan. As before I followed the recipe to the letter - everything chucked into a cold pan.
Step 2
It formed a thick paste that needed regular stirring to cook through. Despite this the onions took forever to get vaguely soft. My tweak would have been to warm the pan, melt the butter and cook the onions for 5 mins before adding the other ingredients.
Tinned tomatoes, coconut milk, pinch of salt and around a teaspoon of black pepper added. Brought to the boil then reduced to a simmer.
Step 3
Kidney beans, lentils and the remainder of the butter added. Simmered for 30 minutes. The method does not mention stirring at any point but because I'm a mitherer I went to stir it after 10 minutes. An unpleasant skin had developed over the top so I stirred it every 5 minutes after that. Had I just left it to simmer for 30 minutes it would have developed a skin thicker than a rhino. No time for this scumbag Frau to sit on her arse and watch Jeremey Kyle, meh
Covered with foil and left to cool as per instructions, to be reheated later. This is not a 'cook and serve' recipe so probably best prepared the day before you want to eat it. This gave me plenty of time to watch Episode 9 of DKL where Jack honked her way through this recipe.
The Moment of Truth
As mentioned earlier, I hate coriander almost as much as I hate Jack's grifting. I bunged a bit of parsley on for presentation purposes only. No stunt hands available (Marigold of the hands had deflated and I couldn't be arsed to blow them up again).
The Verdict
Ingredients - easy to source, brown lentils were a bit spenny 4/5
Recipe - straightforward and easy to follow, for once the ingredients included salt albeit only a "pinch" 4/5
Visual appeal - looks fine - just like any other daal 4/5
Texture - again, absolutely fine apartfrom the undercooked onions 4/5
Taste - Onions a bit undercooked but decent spicy kick 4/5
Overall - well done, Jack a decent recipe with a decent result. Nice level of spice, The lentil to kidney bean ratio was not what I would expect from a dal makhani and it wasn't as creamy or buttery as it should be but this is a budget recipe and presumably not claiming to be authentic. Added some salt when eating it but I'm a smoker so not a major criticism. Onions were still slightly undercooked so if I made this again (probably won't, there's better, more authentic recipes out there) I'd cook them for a bit before adding the other ingredients.
Hold onto your chapeaus, Fraus - this gets a 4 from me.
I chose this in fairness to Jack as it looked like a decent recipe and I love dal. I knew I'd be able to rescue this if necessary at a relatively low cost, unlike the Creamy Crabby Pasta. It's hard to go wrong with a basic dal, even for Jack.
I used the BBC Food recipe/method which I'm assuming is the same as the Cooking on a Bootstrap one.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/dal_makhani_30779
Prep time: Mysteriously it says that prep time is 30 mins to 1 hour. Seems excessive for rinsing beans/lentils and chopping an onion but who am I to argue with someone who's written 7 books. It took me around 15 minutes including opening the cans. Yay me. The prep time stated on the BBC website might put someone off this recipe but be reassured the prep time is wrong..
Cooking time: Stated as 10-30 minutes despite the final part of the cooking needing to be a 30 minute simmer. I now suspect the BBC (and/or Jack) got the prep and cooking times arse backwards.
£6.06 total vs the BBC total of £4.44, however, allowing for inflation and the fact I didn't use basic ingredients this seems fair. It did provide 4 servings which with rice or a naan would be quite filling.
Couldn't be arsed to work them out but BBC website says 555 cals per serving which I think is probably accurate. I'm not sure if that includes rice. Either way it's not a bad meal calorifically.
Ingredients
Nothing was from a basic range. The lentils were a bit spenny at £1.05 for the tin but they were the only tinned lentils in Sainsbury's. Costings were based on this but obviously the dish could be made cheaper. No coriander because it's the herb of the Devil imo.
Step 1
Ceremonial rinsing of the beans and lentils. No tomato sauce was harmed in the preparation of these ingredients.
Onions, garlic paste, ginger paste, curry powder, half the butter and a pinch of cayenne added to the pan. As before I followed the recipe to the letter - everything chucked into a cold pan.
Step 2
It formed a thick paste that needed regular stirring to cook through. Despite this the onions took forever to get vaguely soft. My tweak would have been to warm the pan, melt the butter and cook the onions for 5 mins before adding the other ingredients.
Tinned tomatoes, coconut milk, pinch of salt and around a teaspoon of black pepper added. Brought to the boil then reduced to a simmer.
Step 3
Kidney beans, lentils and the remainder of the butter added. Simmered for 30 minutes. The method does not mention stirring at any point but because I'm a mitherer I went to stir it after 10 minutes. An unpleasant skin had developed over the top so I stirred it every 5 minutes after that. Had I just left it to simmer for 30 minutes it would have developed a skin thicker than a rhino. No time for this scumbag Frau to sit on her arse and watch Jeremey Kyle, meh
Covered with foil and left to cool as per instructions, to be reheated later. This is not a 'cook and serve' recipe so probably best prepared the day before you want to eat it. This gave me plenty of time to watch Episode 9 of DKL where Jack honked her way through this recipe.
The Moment of Truth
As mentioned earlier, I hate coriander almost as much as I hate Jack's grifting. I bunged a bit of parsley on for presentation purposes only. No stunt hands available (Marigold of the hands had deflated and I couldn't be arsed to blow them up again).
The Verdict
Ingredients - easy to source, brown lentils were a bit spenny 4/5
Recipe - straightforward and easy to follow, for once the ingredients included salt albeit only a "pinch" 4/5
Visual appeal - looks fine - just like any other daal 4/5
Texture - again, absolutely fine apartfrom the undercooked onions 4/5
Taste - Onions a bit undercooked but decent spicy kick 4/5
Overall - well done, Jack a decent recipe with a decent result. Nice level of spice, The lentil to kidney bean ratio was not what I would expect from a dal makhani and it wasn't as creamy or buttery as it should be but this is a budget recipe and presumably not claiming to be authentic. Added some salt when eating it but I'm a smoker so not a major criticism. Onions were still slightly undercooked so if I made this again (probably won't, there's better, more authentic recipes out there) I'd cook them for a bit before adding the other ingredients.
Hold onto your chapeaus, Fraus - this gets a 4 from me.
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Slop has been slung. Are you ready ninnies?
cookingonabootstrap.com
Ultimate Moussaka, 31p [VG/V/DF/GF*]
As the granddaughter of a Cypriot immigrant, I know my claim to have made the ‘ultimate’ moussaka is indeed a bold one. My grandfather would laugh in my face at the very notion of this vegan …
cookingonabootstrap.com
I assembled my ingredients, some were free as I already had them. I had to get the aubergine, cashew milk, sunflower oil (because I usually cook with coconut oil but wanted to be PAINSTAKINGLY authentic), lentils, mustard, wine chopped tomatoes and dried thyme. I spent £13 although I do have some of those ingredients left for future slops.
I softy, gently rinsed the lentils and covered them with water. No amount of water was specified so I just covered them. This clearly wasn’t quite enough as the lentils absorbed it pretty quickly once they started boiling.
I While the lentils were cooking I started the sauce, chopping 6 cloves of garlic and adding them to a cold pan with two tablespoons of oil and two-small-onions’ worth of frozen onion because that’s how I roll.
After a few minutes I added the other ingredients, making a lovely slop.
This included an entire teaspoon of dried thyme (or optional interchangeable herbs obvs) so I was feeling fairly hopeful that there might be at least a small amount of flavour.
I then rinsed the lentils again (THOROUGHLY. WARNED!) and added them to the slop.
The recipe then inexplicably told me to fill a cup with water and pop it on the side.
And then I set about making the bechamel. I am fairly practised at making bechamel and felt concerned about stirring flour into cold oil, but it did form somewhat of a roux.
The cashew milk made a smooth sauce (no need to sieve out any lumps ) but it didn’t really thicken. Also, there just wasn’t much of it.
But I ploughed ahead very finely slicing my aubergine.
I then assembled the “moussaka”. There was literally a dribble of bechamel in each layer, but I dutifully spread it with the back of a spoon.
I had not bothered to count my aubergine slices so the dearth (NB Jack: correct use of the word dearth) of aubergine in the top layer was entirely my fault. The dearth of bechamel was entirely Jack’s. I didn’t bother to grate the whole slice of bread, but I’m not sure extra breadcrumbs could have really saved this anyway.
After a few minutes I added the other ingredients, making a lovely slop.
I then rinsed the lentils again (THOROUGHLY. WARNED!) and added them to the slop.
The recipe then inexplicably told me to fill a cup with water and pop it on the side.
And then I set about making the bechamel. I am fairly practised at making bechamel and felt concerned about stirring flour into cold oil, but it did form somewhat of a roux.
) but it didn’t really thicken. Also, there just wasn’t much of it.But I ploughed ahead very finely slicing my aubergine.
I then assembled the “moussaka”. There was literally a dribble of bechamel in each layer, but I dutifully spread it with the back of a spoon.
I had not bothered to count my aubergine slices so the dearth (NB Jack: correct use of the word dearth) of aubergine in the top layer was entirely my fault. The dearth of bechamel was entirely Jack’s. I didn’t bother to grate the whole slice of bread, but I’m not sure extra breadcrumbs could have really saved this anyway.
40 minutes later, I removed it from the oven and served myself up an eighth of it as per Jack’s claim that this serves 8, generously.
So, my verdict?
Well, it is edible but pretty flavourless. The aubergine is fairly chewy despite being so thinly sliced and the lentils are a bit chalky. It mostly tastes of tomato and garlic. One “portion” is definitely not generous and nutritionally is significantly lacking.
i was debating giving it a 3, but honestly, I wouldn’t ever make it again. I’m sure it could be saved with some additional flavours and a decent bechamel (no seasoning in the bechamel and this jar of mustard, listed in the ingredients for the sauce, never got mentioned in the actual recipe)
So I’m giving it a 2 - terrible. Would not recommend.
Well, it is edible but pretty flavourless. The aubergine is fairly chewy despite being so thinly sliced and the lentils are a bit chalky. It mostly tastes of tomato and garlic. One “portion” is definitely not generous and nutritionally is significantly lacking.
i was debating giving it a 3, but honestly, I wouldn’t ever make it again. I’m sure it could be saved with some additional flavours and a decent bechamel (no seasoning in the bechamel and this jar of mustard, listed in the ingredients for the sauce, never got mentioned in the actual recipe)
So I’m giving it a 2 - terrible. Would not recommend.
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Oh my giddy aunt, an edible recipe! This thread really keeps you on your toes
Donation made via Paypal to a local dog sanctuary. They adopt elderly and disabled dogs so the vet and laundry costs are quite high. All my local foodbanks are Trussell Trust so I decided to donate to a dog sanctuary as tribute to Content having to be forcibly wrestled by a smol pixie.
ETA: Have added this to the Wiki and updated the total
ETA: Have added this to the Wiki and updated the total
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The replica tattoos on this thread are genuinely hilarious. Chapeau, ninnies!
Omfg an actually cheap and reasonably tasty meal. She must have copied it. It’s the only explanation.
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