Who could have predicted on that fateful day you swiped right on Jack Monroe, you'd be cooking slop and discussing Esther Rantzen's kidney beans with a canal of fraus and herrs. Loving this journey for you
Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley
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ChapeauHello, and welcome to November, everyone! Several years ago, Old Harold and I spent a lovely New Year in Asheville, North Carolina. I have also been eating with FRIENDS (because I have them) at a restaurant I introduced them to that has a sister restaurant that does drinks. I should mention that I sometimes visit the first restaurant to have meetings also. Or even just lunch.
Anyway, turns out that tonic water, sparkling water and soda water are interchangeable, as are all sorts of vinegars.
Because Jack Kindly told me, and before you all think I’ve gone bonkers, I thought I’d try a Jack-inspired typically self absorbed, nonsensical and self important preamble to my slopalong: beverage version here
VINEGAR TONIC (OR SODA WATER OR SPARKLING WATER) SLOPALONG
My Old Harold is not a chef, just a simple first responder like jacks dad, but in less humiliating trousers. Fortunately however, Jack reassures all us plebs that we don’t have to have FANCY vinegars and just a simple red or a cider is fine for the likes of us, then later lists other things we might have in like white vinegar, or we can go wild in the vinegar aisle, whatever, really. I’m just going to go with what I have in.The Vessel: Jack prefers a tall glass but reassures me that any glass will do. I decide to go with these three from Anthropologie which I (from left to right) 1. Found in a puddle 2. Bought in a “thrift store” 3. A friend left on my doorstep
View attachment 1714630
Please note that as I had no £44 display wallpaper knocking around the place I have made a lovely background on mytiny deskikea lack out of a creased ikea tea towel and a creased Target napkin.
The Vinegars and Water: Disappointingly not Chef-standard I have in white vinegar that Harold uses to pickle his jalapeños (ooh, Matron!) and Apple Cider vinegar that I am currently using to catch fruit flies in my kitchen (, but I digress). Feeling sad that Jack’s metropolitan elite celebrity vinegars are out of my reach.
View attachment 1714664
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IT’S GOURMET according to the label. I can be like Jack (and probably not actually Leggy who I believe to be too sensible to be indulging her twit of a fiancée in this tasting endeavor) with my fancy vinegar after all! I also have a fancy water! As tonic, soda and sparkling are interchangeable I’ll have a FANCY fizzy La Croix also
View attachment 1714669Because I’m not a maniac I’m going to shrink down Jack’s recommended dosage, mostly because I don’t want fake Drs Gillian McKeith OR Jack Monroe “coming all over on me”. I split the can into approximate thirds then measure in approximately 1/3 of Jack’s recommended vinegar dose.
I managed to overpour on each one because I am not a LITERAL FOOD EXPERT. Apart from a tinge in the malt glass, you’ll have to take my word that the vinegars are in there, but you can trust me because I’m not a liar, thief, grifter or complete bleep
View attachment 1714692
Two down, one to go. I did the Jack- recommend white first. It was SO bleeping RANK (literally, it just tasted of nothing other than vinegar that someone had stuck in a soda stream). I immediately grabbed the GOURMET malt which Jack did not mention in her recommends and it was…surprisingly palatable. It made me long for UK chips. In a fizzy way. I mean, I wouldn’t drink a ton of the stuff, or even drink it again, but it was doable and nostalgic. Nostalgic like long ago Calpol of 1970s childhoods, only vinegary, and with fizz.
View attachment 1714697
Apple cider vinegar just tasted like apple cider vinegar, with fizz. i.e. bleeping Rank. I don’t even mind the taste of apple cider vinegar but the addition of fizz is a definite no. WARNED. Proof I drank all three, though I appeared to have left some residue in the apple cider one Oopsie!
View attachment 1714719Verdict: 1-Dire. If they were seriously necking this stuff, it must have been bleeping snowing in Hammersmith that night. I will note though that it’s one thing for us plebs, the VILE apple cider and white, and another for GOURMETS like Jack and Leggy. I felt my nostalgic trip down GOURMET malt vinegar memory lane to chip shops of yore saved this endeavor, and shall try this again with a bottle of Sarson’s next time I’m back in good old Blighty.
Don’t try this at home, tender ones.
I read your post out loud to my Old Harold and showed him the photos as I variously exclaimed ‘oh god’ ‘oh tit’ and finally ‘what the hell’ He
and I declared that cake The Worst Ever! Amid stiff competitio.You’re all FORENSIC
Having attempted this ‘recipe’ before I can guarantee that you will be in no danger of feeling amazement
Fellow 1978 Frau here. I don't remember the original That's Life episode but, as my own mother would follow Delia across burning hot coals, we had kidney beans weekly out of SPITE.Oh! As an actual 1978 herrthis does actually bring back vague memories.
Esther Rantzen believed that she'd been poisoned by a Delia Smith chilli recipe so carried on a bizarre one-sided feud, mentioning at every opportunity both the dangers of kidney beans and the recklessness of Delia for using them. Is that right?
I mostly remember it because of the way my mum loudly scoffed every time she spotted Rantzen on the telly - she was definitely in Team Delia, and loudly opined that Rantzen was obviously incapable of following recipes. Jack, take note! WARNED.
(grunking, so apologies if this is the same reply as countless other frauen)
I
, I did not eat it but I can wager it’s still more appealing than JackSlop.
I once found a dead fly freeze dried into a pot noodle
, I did not eat it but I can wager it’s still more appealing than JackSlop.
Babe, same.I still say sausages like that dog did
@Notmycat dear heart I feel there was a recipe for a lentil ragu I made, in the slow cooker- is this in Jack’s books? I would be willing to re-slop my slow cooker if you have that recipe?
IIRC it was fine, except better just cooked on the hob
IIRC it was fine, except better just cooked on the hob
@Notmycat could you please provide the following book recipes?
Cooking on a Bootstrap - Crappuccino
Tin Can Cook - Pasta e ceci
A Girl Called Jack - Gnocchi
Good Food for Bad Days - Microwave Lemon Curd and Blueberry Porridge
A Year in 120 Recipes - Iced breakfast tarts
I'm confused by the crumb structure comment because I'd have thought this related to other baked things like cake or biscuits not pizza dough, but what do I know. My acid test would be does pizza leave crumbs? Not when you ram it in your gob, more so grease and wayward toppings. Unless her pizza dough recipe ends up the consistency of cake or biscuit
Cooking on a Bootstrap - Crappuccino
Tin Can Cook - Pasta e ceci
A Girl Called Jack - Gnocchi
Good Food for Bad Days - Microwave Lemon Curd and Blueberry Porridge
A Year in 120 Recipes - Iced breakfast tarts
I can only assume softing is sifting but wouldn't know any better, I hope it is or I've already fucked up the unduckupable recipe
I'm confused by the crumb structure comment because I'd have thought this related to other baked things like cake or biscuits not pizza dough, but what do I know. My acid test would be does pizza leave crumbs? Not when you ram it in your gob, more so grease and wayward toppings. Unless her pizza dough recipe ends up the consistency of cake or biscuit
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I've added a donation column to the wiki, the current total is £130.35 plus 3 food bank donations.
If anyone's made a donation please check if I've included it because I only ran through the slop posts and searched for donation.
If I've missed it please let me know.
If anyone's made a donation please check if I've included it because I only ran through the slop posts and searched for donation.
If I've missed it please let me know.
I donated £10.45 to my local food bank.
@That Forensic Man I haven’t created a Jack slop but in support of those that have I have donated to my local rural action group who are providing warm spaces, cookery classes, free meals and help to set up community shops to give rural families access to cheap fresh food close to home.
Okay guys - here is the 15 minute, upside down fish pie…..
I gathered my ingredients and weighed them out.
(And yes, that is Maldon Sea Salt in a pinch pot - so what?? Do you want me to STOP EATING SALT??!!!)
The recipe states it serves 4 but my first impressions were that 300g of fish, which equated to 3 fish fillets didn’t seem like much between 4 people.
It also seemed like ALOT of celery!
Into the COLD pan we slop - with a pinch of salt and some cold oil…..
The instructions tell me to fry the onion and celery (from cold, on my highest burner), for 3 mins, then add the frozen veg and fry for 2 mins more…
Reader, they were all still raw by the end of the 5 mins, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Then, I added a crumbled stock cube, dried herbs (1tsp), 1 tbsp of flour, stirred it all in and added 300ml of skimmed UHT milk (
) gradually until it was all blended.
And then add the fish and covered the pan with a lid - she says the fish should cook in 8 mins
Near to the end of the fish cooking time, I put 300ml of skimmed UHT milk () in a jug, topped it up with 300ml boiling water, then added the potato flakes and 50g of soft spread..
The next instruction was to microwave this solid paste for 1 minute, stir it and microwave it again for another 1 minute
So, this recipes states that the whole thing takes 15 minutes in one pan - a la a rip off of THAT MAN when his latest show came out (she posted it the night before he did his upside fish pie episode iirc??)
The total time for the recipe as written down by Jack is:
stir fry onions, celery then veg - 5 mins
add flour, milk etc & fish and cook for 8 mins
microwave instant potato for 2 mins
= 15 mins - MAGIC!
However, the potato was only slightly warm after 2 mins in the microwave so I had to put it in for another 2-3 mins, the veg were not cooked through and the fish took more like 10 mins to cook.
A cynical person might think that the times had been made up just to keep the recipe at 15 mins in total
Anyway, just before serving I stirred in the cheese to the sauce and served the mash in a bowl with the sauce on top.
Verdict:
Taste - the mash was extremely bland and tasted of not much at all - I added a bit of the grated cheese to the top of mash to try to give it some flavour, but this did not help.
The fish part just tasted over poweringly of celery, which was still not cooked through properly and none of the flavours combined together.
There was also very little fish per serving - the dish is mainly a white sauce filled with onion, raw celery and other veg and a few bits of fish On top of bland potato.
Process - quite easy although the timings are all wrong. Also, she doesn’t tell you to grate the cheese, just to stir in the 80g cheese. Also, the mash was not cooked after the 2 mins instructed time in the microwave. It is not a 15 minute meal.
Cost - My total cost was £6.50 for the fish, skimmed milk(), onions, frozen veg and instant mash - I had the cheese and stock cube in so they were free.
Score
3 - Middle Class (not terrible as I did manage to eat it, it just wasn’t very flavoursome and I worked out that one portion only has 344 calories so not very substantial for a main meal.
Reader I would not make this again.
I gathered my ingredients and weighed them out.
(And yes, that is Maldon Sea Salt in a pinch pot - so what?? Do you want me to STOP EATING SALT??!!!)
The recipe states it serves 4 but my first impressions were that 300g of fish, which equated to 3 fish fillets didn’t seem like much between 4 people.
It also seemed like ALOT of celery!
Into the COLD pan we slop - with a pinch of salt and some cold oil…..
The instructions tell me to fry the onion and celery (from cold, on my highest burner), for 3 mins, then add the frozen veg and fry for 2 mins more…
Reader, they were all still raw by the end of the 5 mins, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Then, I added a crumbled stock cube, dried herbs (1tsp), 1 tbsp of flour, stirred it all in and added 300ml of skimmed UHT milk (
) gradually until it was all blended.
And then add the fish and covered the pan with a lid - she says the fish should cook in 8 mins
Near to the end of the fish cooking time, I put 300ml of skimmed UHT milk (
) in a jug, topped it up with 300ml boiling water, then added the potato flakes and 50g of soft spread..
The next instruction was to microwave this solid paste for 1 minute, stir it and microwave it again for another 1 minute
So, this recipes states that the whole thing takes 15 minutes in one pan - a la a rip off of THAT MAN when his latest show came out (she posted it the night before he did his upside fish pie episode iirc??)
The total time for the recipe as written down by Jack is:
stir fry onions, celery then veg - 5 mins
add flour, milk etc & fish and cook for 8 mins
microwave instant potato for 2 mins
= 15 mins - MAGIC!
However, the potato was only slightly warm after 2 mins in the microwave so I had to put it in for another 2-3 mins, the veg were not cooked through and the fish took more like 10 mins to cook.
A cynical person might think that the times had been made up just to keep the recipe at 15 mins in total
Anyway, just before serving I stirred in the cheese to the sauce and served the mash in a bowl with the sauce on top.
Verdict:
Taste - the mash was extremely bland and tasted of not much at all - I added a bit of the grated cheese to the top of mash to try to give it some flavour, but this did not help.
The fish part just tasted over poweringly of celery, which was still not cooked through properly and none of the flavours combined together.
There was also very little fish per serving - the dish is mainly a white sauce filled with onion, raw celery and other veg and a few bits of fish On top of bland potato.
Process - quite easy although the timings are all wrong. Also, she doesn’t tell you to grate the cheese, just to stir in the 80g cheese. Also, the mash was not cooked after the 2 mins instructed time in the microwave. It is not a 15 minute meal.
Cost - My total cost was £6.50 for the fish, skimmed milk(
), onions, frozen veg and instant mash - I had the cheese and stock cube in so they were free.Score
3 - Middle Class (not terrible as I did manage to eat it, it just wasn’t very flavoursome and I worked out that one portion only has 344 calories so not very substantial for a main meal.
Reader I would not make this again.
And she worked on this recipe for 6 years…Okay guys - here is the 15 minute, upside down fish pie…..
I gathered my ingredients and weighed them out.
View attachment 1717091
View attachment 1717174
(And yes, that is Maldon Sea Salt in a pinch pot - so what?? Do you want me to STOP EATING SALT??!!!)
The recipe states it serves 4 but my first impressions were that 300g of fish, which equated to 3 fish fillets didn’t seem like much between 4 people.
It also seemed like ALOT of celery!
Into the COLD pan we slop - with a pinch of salt and some cold oil…..
View attachment 1717097
The instructions tell me to fry the onion and celery (from cold, on my highest burner), for 3 mins, then add the frozen veg and fry for 2 mins more…
View attachment 1717109
Reader, they were all still raw by the end of the 5 mins, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Then, I added a crumbled stock cube, dried herbs (1tsp), 1 tbsp of flour, stirred it all in and added 300ml of skimmed UHT milk (
View attachment 1717115
And then add the fish and covered the pan with a lid - she says the fish should cook in 8 mins
View attachment 1717116
Near to the end of the fish cooking time, I put 300ml of skimmed UHT milk (
View attachment 1717125
The next instruction was to microwave this solid paste for 1 minute, stir it and microwave it again for another 1 minute
So, this recipes states that the whole thing takes 15 minutes in one pan - a la a rip off of THAT MAN when his latest show came out (she posted it the night before he did his upside fish pie episode iirc??)
The total time for the recipe as written down by Jack is:
stir fry onions, celery then veg - 5 mins
add flour, milk etc & fish and cook for 8 mins
microwave instant potato for 2 mins
= 15 mins - MAGIC!
However, the potato was only slightly warm after 2 mins in the microwave so I had to put it in for another 2-3 mins, the veg were not cooked through and the fish took more like 10 mins to cook.
A cynical person might think that the times had been made up just to keep the recipe at 15 mins in total
Anyway, just before serving I stirred in the cheese to the sauce and served the mash in a bowl with the sauce on top.
View attachment 1717155
Verdict:
Taste - the mash was extremely bland and tasted of not much at all - I added a bit of the grated cheese to the top of mash to try to give it some flavour, but this did not help.
The fish part just tasted over poweringly of celery, which was still not cooked through properly and none of the flavours combined together.
There was also very little fish per serving - the dish is mainly a white sauce filled with onion, raw celery and other veg and a few bits of fish On top of bland potato.
Process - quite easy although the timings are all wrong. Also, she doesn’t tell you to grate the cheese, just to stir in the 80g cheese. Also, the mash was not cooked after the 2 mins instructed time in the microwave. It is not a 15 minute meal.
Cost - My total cost was £6.50 for the fish, skimmed milk(
Score
3 - Middle Class (not terrible as I did manage to eat it, it just wasn’t very flavoursome and I worked out that one portion only has 344 calories so not very substantial for a main meal.
Reader I would not make this again.
I think that a 3 is generous given you had to cook it for much longer than stated AND add things to try and make it more palatable!
You're all very brave.
You're all very brave.
Dunno if this is a good idea, but for those who have worked out the calories of their slops, could this be somehow added to the wiki? Just thinking if this ever did get picked up, it would be good to have that info all in one place, to show how bad her recipes are on that front?
I did mean to add it up for the Tom Cruise raw onion extravaganza but I forgot, I’ll do it before Jack produces any of her patreon rewards though
I did mean to add it up for the Tom Cruise raw onion extravaganza but I forgot, I’ll do it before Jack produces any of her patreon rewards though
I bought a couple of things off the Amazon wishlist for a charity in my area which gives mums with new babies and tots things they need (books, toys, bottles, Moses baskets, etc) when they’re struggling financially. In other words, I’m donating to the women whose voices and experiences Jack has appropriated and cashed in on during The Grift.
In her sleep
Exploding pressure cookers were another That's Life crusade.
Really, what with this, killer kidney beans *and* the constant Cold War nuclear threat it's a wonder any of us grew up to be sane.
Oh...
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