I do worry for Jack if she ever does experiment with dried beans. Undercooked kidney beans can make a person very ill.
Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley
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Don’t worry dear heart, she won’t. Too much effort. She prefers to use Deliveroo.
@Slopportunity Knocks gnocchi recipe
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I cannot get enough of this 5 minute thing, with Tom Cruise dressing
(FORENSIC!)
So I was a bit disappointed when I found out what this recipe actually was (a salad) as I wanted to make a proper slop.
I had all the ingredients already, so it was actually free to make
Cost using the very cheapest versions available at Tesco, as that’s where I shop: £1.68 (using Jack Maffs where you can buy 100g of frozen spinach for the same price per unit as a 900g bag).
Jack’s blog post states 60p but I guess that was a long time ago?
I did make a few substitutions:
Recipe only states “oil”, naturally I decided to use extra virgin olive oil as it’s a salad.
I only had cherry tomatoes so used those.
Recipe doesn’t specify the type of mustard so I used Colman’s.
Recipe states “fat cloves of garlic”, I thought 6 cloves between 2 people was quite enough already, so just used the 6 biggest ones I had. Also, she’s costed this using the cheapest garlic you can buy, but those bulbs are always tiny and you’d never get fat cloves.
On to the method!
5 minute thing with Tom Cruise Dressing*, 60p
One afternoon in the all-hours flail-and-flurry that was this-glorious-top-secret-for-now-project, I emerged from my writing corner (apologies to Virginia Woolf for not managing an entire ‘room of …
cookingonabootstrap.com
(FORENSIC!)
So I was a bit disappointed when I found out what this recipe actually was (a salad) as I wanted to make a proper slop.
I had all the ingredients already, so it was actually free to make
Cost using the very cheapest versions available at Tesco, as that’s where I shop: £1.68 (using Jack Maffs where you can buy 100g of frozen spinach for the same price per unit as a 900g bag).
Jack’s blog post states 60p but I guess that was a long time ago?
I did make a few substitutions:
Recipe only states “oil”, naturally I decided to use extra virgin olive oil as it’s a salad.
I only had cherry tomatoes so used those.
Recipe doesn’t specify the type of mustard so I used Colman’s.
Recipe states “fat cloves of garlic”, I thought 6 cloves between 2 people was quite enough already, so just used the 6 biggest ones I had. Also, she’s costed this using the cheapest garlic you can buy, but those bulbs are always tiny and you’d never get fat cloves.
On to the method!
Dressing first. I measured out the oil.
It seemed like an awful lot.
Oh well, on with the other dressing ingredients:
Actual footage of me shaking the dressing:
Not really. (Still not sure what Tom Cruise has to do with it, must be because she’s such a MAVERICK smol pixie)
So I opened up the lid to check if it needed further shaking.
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear
It did get there in the end. That done, onto the meecrowavey:
And the obligatory rinsing pic:
Return to the meecrowavey. Jack says that cooking garlic in its pricked skins is a shortcut to roasted garlic.
No it is not.
(Wine bottle for scale, these were not fat cloves, alas)
The garlic appeared shrivelled and not very soft.
Also Jack did not instruct me to drain the defrosted (hot) spinach - I didn’t want the salad to be swimming so I squeezed it out in the colander after I’d drained the chickpeas. I think maybe she made this once, with fresh spinach, then substituted frozen in the recipe to keep the cost down? A theme is emerging here Fraus…
I pressed on. Chopped the tomatoes and onion and chucked it all in a bowl:
Time to stir! I was heating up food for my baby at the same time so I gave myself 50 seconds to toss it all together:
(Baby’s lunch was looking more appetising at this point honestly)
It seemed like an awful lot.
Oh well, on with the other dressing ingredients:
Actual footage of me shaking the dressing:
Not really. (Still not sure what Tom Cruise has to do with it, must be because she’s such a MAVERICK smol pixie)
So I opened up the lid to check if it needed further shaking.
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear
And the obligatory rinsing pic:
Return to the meecrowavey. Jack says that cooking garlic in its pricked skins is a shortcut to roasted garlic.
No it is not.
(Wine bottle for scale, these were not fat cloves, alas)
The garlic appeared shrivelled and not very soft.
Also Jack did not instruct me to drain the defrosted (hot) spinach - I didn’t want the salad to be swimming so I squeezed it out in the colander after I’d drained the chickpeas. I think maybe she made this once, with fresh spinach, then substituted frozen in the recipe to keep the cost down? A theme is emerging here Fraus…
I pressed on. Chopped the tomatoes and onion and chucked it all in a bowl:
Time to stir! I was heating up food for my baby at the same time so I gave myself 50 seconds to toss it all together:
(Baby’s lunch was looking more appetising at this point honestly)
Ingredients: 3. Absolutely solidly middle class.
Recipe: 1. A weird mix of vague and specific (what kind of oil?), missing instructions. I think she made it once, wrote it down from memory, tweaked some things to make it cheaper and never made it again.
Visual appeal: 3. It definitely isn’t an ovary groaner and I can’t say I ever want to greedily inhale salad, but it looks fine if you don’t look too closely and notice the garlic.
Texture: 3. Again, fine, mainly chickpeas and tomatoes and onion.
Taste: 2. Where to begin?! There is WAY too much raw onion. (She doesn’t specify the size of onion
) Olive oil was too strong and made it taste bitter. I was worried about the peanut butter but couldn’t taste that really. I nibbled at the garlic and it tasted of nothing. I guess all the flavour evaporated in the microwave?
Essentially, it tasted of raw onion swimming in olive oil with the added texture of chickpeas.
How can something with so few ingredients, all of which are nice, be so wrong?
Overall: 2 - Terrible
Recipe: 1. A weird mix of vague and specific (what kind of oil?), missing instructions. I think she made it once, wrote it down from memory, tweaked some things to make it cheaper and never made it again.
Visual appeal: 3. It definitely isn’t an ovary groaner and I can’t say I ever want to greedily inhale salad, but it looks fine if you don’t look too closely and notice the garlic.
Texture: 3. Again, fine, mainly chickpeas and tomatoes and onion.
Taste: 2. Where to begin?! There is WAY too much raw onion. (She doesn’t specify the size of onion
) Olive oil was too strong and made it taste bitter. I was worried about the peanut butter but couldn’t taste that really. I nibbled at the garlic and it tasted of nothing. I guess all the flavour evaporated in the microwave?Essentially, it tasted of raw onion swimming in olive oil with the added texture of chickpeas.
How can something with so few ingredients, all of which are nice, be so wrong?
Overall: 2 - Terrible
When my OH got home I invited him to try “the slop”. I had only managed a few mouthfuls so there was nearly a whole bowlful for him.
Fraus, he declared it “pretty nice” but “way too much onion”.
I expressed surprise that he used the word “nice” and he said “maybe it would be better blended?”
At this point I opened the front door and booted him out. He’s now on his way to Southend with a couple of juicy burgers (or perhaps kebabs).
Fraus, he declared it “pretty nice” but “way too much onion”.
I expressed surprise that he used the word “nice” and he said “maybe it would be better blended?”
At this point I opened the front door and booted him out. He’s now on his way to Southend with a couple of juicy burgers (or perhaps kebabs).
Chapeau, @BlairWaldorf86 , chapeau. That is brilliant, well done. Sorry about your kitchen tiles, hope those notes will wipe off
That's the second really oniony recipe we've had? Sensing a theme here.
**Dials 1800 O N I O N to report directly**
**Dials 1800 O N I O N to report directly**
Thoughts and prayers, dear heart, as a fellow recent inductee of the "These beans are already soft, you stupid bleep" Hall of Shame.
That photo of the chocolate sitting on top of the mushy rinsed beans is profoundly upsetting to me. Jack might call my reaction to it viscKeral.
Thanks so much - I'll give it a go this weekend although it's bringing back the memories of attempting this 'recipe' that perhaps I should have better left to a fugue state...
Even as a #1978truther I think Jack's too young to remember the That's Life "killer red kidney beans", isn't she?
Firstly i must add my voice to the chorus of fraus who have absolutely delighted in these threads over the past few days. Thank you one and all for your heroism and humour in the face of slop.
Secondly - is the gnocchi recipe meant to be a main course or a starter? It's not specified; courses are interchangeable I suppose, but 500g of potatoes and 100g of flour for four people would make a meagre starter indeed let alone a main course.
And has anyone ever tried to freeze gnocchi? I did - once. On defrosting it becomes a disgusting floury mush with the taste and integrity of wallpaper paste...o hang on. Of course Jack thinks it's ok to freeze.
I'm still recovering from my Tinestrone ordeal on Sunday so thought I'd play some Animal Crossing to calm my nerves.
The first recipe bottle I found washed up on the beach was...this.
Does the game want me to STOP BREATHING!?
The first recipe bottle I found washed up on the beach was...this.
Does the game want me to STOP BREATHING!?
You can freeze them, but you have to seperate them with greaseproof paper. Which is a massive pain in the ass.
Also, gnocchi works well with instant mash, which is probably cheaper than using tinned potatoes.
I don't think she ever mentioned doing starters, but I suppose you wouldn't if you were skint. So every recipe would be intended as a main course.
I just looked it up and seems Jack’s beloved ‘sister restaurant’ to which she’d apparently never been (but that inspired feats of fizzy vinegary repugnance) didn’t take Hoxton by storm either.Turns out, balsamic vinegar & seltzer isn't taking the world by storm, either. Who knew?
TikTok’s Viral ‘Healthy Coke’ Concoction Is Better Than You Think
But you’ll never get over the smellwww.eater.com
From the tinned potato gnocchi recipe. She thinks everyone who attempts her recipes has had their brain removed, doesn’t she?
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Good luck tender one xSister is out on Thursday nightso the coast is clear for my slop along contribution with no explanation required! Off to Lidl I yomp
As an aside, and soz if already suggested, but would it be worth tracking the contributions made to charity as part of this project? I don't think we should necessarily include details of individuals fraus, or even charities, but a running total might be nice. It would be so lovely to know, and is the kind of thing that could be picked up by MSM. Don't want to add more to @That Forensic Man's hefty workload however, and not volunteering myself (wouldn't have a clue, mate).
Also, I really like how donations have been suggested and volunteered by fraus with no pressure on others to do the same. Times are tough, my darlings.
What a lovely lot you are.
Now, eff off xx
To keep track of donations I could add a column to the wiki just so we can tot them up as we go, and backfill before it gets too big of a job.
I'm going to do some work splitting the rows so each slop is on it's own row, rather than having multiple on one frau's row.
Today I donated £10 to one charity and 10p to another (I pressed the wrong button on the self scan, do you want me to stop DONATING) so my forthcoming slop is covered, or it will be when I donate that second tenner.
I'm really looking forward to doing the pizza dough so if it all goes microwave pear-shaped I'll be gutted.
Bought some mozzerella and chorizo and a sieve so updated my costings. Apparently softing my flours will improve the crumb structure, and I do like to do things properly.
Unf*ckupable wholemeal pizza dough
120g wholemeal flour, 8p (95p/1.5kg) - actual 23p (£1.95/1kg)
120g plain flour, 5p (Basics, 55p/1.5kg) - actual 19p (£1.60/1kg)
5g dried active yeast, 2p (65p/125g) - actual 5p (£1.20/125g)
1/2 tsp salt (optional) - larder
1 tbsp oil (sunflower or vegetable oil) - larder (olive oil)
Serves 4 at 5p each - actual 12p each (we'll see if it actually serves 4)
Extras: rolling pin £1.75, sieve £2.50
Spent £9.00
Birthday pizza sauce
4 fat cloves of garlic or 6 smaller ones - larder
1 onion - 17p (£1.00/kg)
50g butter or 50ml oil, sunflower or groundnut - refrigerated larder
1 teaspoon fennel seeds - £1.00/36g pot
a fistful of flat-leaf parsley - £1.00/11g pot
1 tablespoon white wine vinegar - 95p/350ml
1 tablespoon sugar - £1.70/1kg
2 x 400g tins of chopped tomatoes - larder (2x 500g passata)
2 tablespoons tomato puree - larder
a generous pinch of salt - larder
Makes a very large jar (so hopefully it's edible)
Extras: Crushed chillies 85p/28g pot - these were for a different Jack sauce I was considering so bought in error
Spent £5.67
Pizza toppings
grated mozzarella £2.20
diced chorizo £2.65
Spent £4.85
Total spent: £19.52
120g wholemeal flour, 8p (95p/1.5kg) - actual 23p (£1.95/1kg)
120g plain flour, 5p (Basics, 55p/1.5kg) - actual 19p (£1.60/1kg)
5g dried active yeast, 2p (65p/125g) - actual 5p (£1.20/125g)
1/2 tsp salt (optional) - larder
1 tbsp oil (sunflower or vegetable oil) - larder (olive oil)
Serves 4 at 5p each - actual 12p each (we'll see if it actually serves 4)
Extras: rolling pin £1.75, sieve £2.50
Spent £9.00
Birthday pizza sauce
4 fat cloves of garlic or 6 smaller ones - larder
1 onion - 17p (£1.00/kg)
50g butter or 50ml oil, sunflower or groundnut - refrigerated larder
1 teaspoon fennel seeds - £1.00/36g pot
a fistful of flat-leaf parsley - £1.00/11g pot
1 tablespoon white wine vinegar - 95p/350ml
1 tablespoon sugar - £1.70/1kg
2 x 400g tins of chopped tomatoes - larder (2x 500g passata)
2 tablespoons tomato puree - larder
a generous pinch of salt - larder
Makes a very large jar (so hopefully it's edible)
Extras: Crushed chillies 85p/28g pot - these were for a different Jack sauce I was considering so bought in error
Spent £5.67
Pizza toppings
grated mozzarella £2.20
diced chorizo £2.65
Spent £4.85
Total spent: £19.52
Are you a person who likes “to soft their flour and other ingredients together”? Is ‘softing’ like sifting, but for people who are not LITERAL FOOD EXPERTS and don’t just want to ‘ram a pizza in their gob’
Does nobody proofread any of her nonsense? Also, will you please share your experiences of the “nuances of a crumb structure” because all I’m picturing
Fascinated to see how you don’t just end up with mashed potato and scrambled egg by step 2 of the recipe.
Don’t be an onion fascist. We are not onion fascists here.
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@BlairWaldorf86
Hmmmmmm maggots
Fraus it’s the day of the sausagne, I’ve just realised that since my recipe is in video form I’m going to have to listen to her voice multiple times. Don’t pray for me, I’m already dead.
Hmmmmmm maggots
Fraus it’s the day of the sausagne, I’ve just realised that since my recipe is in video form I’m going to have to listen to her voice multiple times. Don’t pray for me, I’m already dead.
And even then you're only supposed to do that with uncooked gnocchi, right? I Googled after the fact to see if it was a common problem and was immediately confronted with result after result saying not to freeze cooked gnocchi as it loses it's texture on defrosting. Jack strikes again, flying in the face of all accepted food wisdom like the
glad somebody got the joke
Oh dear someone sent out the Bat Signal so here I am popping up YET AGAIN with my favourite chilli recipe. Sorry but I'm properly evangelical about it. https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/burnt-aubergine-veggie-chilli
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