Her books should come with a health warning, didn’t she recommend nuking garlic or something equally dangerous?
Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley
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So, take a cake mix that only needs an egg and water andHere goes my darlings...forgive me if my formatting is a bit berserk, I’m PAINSTAKINGLY typing it out on an OBSOLETE iPhone do you want me to stop BREATHING???
Two-Ingredient Cake
I spent 40 p on the custard and 45p on the sponge mix. Already had the grease for the tin and I didn’t bother with sultanas because they are the devil’s work and I just knew the chances were high that they’d only go to waste anyway:
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Recipe is simple enough: open tin, pour and scrape into a bowl, add the sponge mix but pass it through a sieve first to remove lumps and mix:
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The mix actually looked quite promising, I began to get a bit excited:
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Into the oven it went. I was tempted to go rogue and line my tin with parchment but I stuck to the rules and put my faith in my non- stick pan.
I checked it after 20 mins and it was looking GOOD!
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It was rising beautifully, I was honestly surprised at how well it was going.
Cooked it as directed in my fan oven at 160 deg C for 45 mins and it looked great. However, being a wise Frau, I stuck a knife in it to test and... it was soaking wet still.
Back in the oven it went for ten more mins, same thing after that so back for another ten so that’s 1 hour and 5 mins now. Mindful of my electric meter whizzing round like a spinning top, I made the executive decision to take the cake out and turn the oven off.
As instructed, I let it rest in the tin for 30mins.
After 30 mins, this is what I came back to:
View attachment 1711199
It had totally collapsed and compacted in the tin.
Now to remove it...thank goodness I had a spring form tin because it was welded to the bottom and it would never have come out in one piece otherwise. Had to prise it from its base but it’s a good quality tin so it was ok getting it off in the end.
Results....View attachment 1711203
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As you can see, it’s a discus of stodge. It’s about 2cm deep.
It is nowhere near an ‘ambrosial delight’. It’s not even ‘saccharine sweet’ . It’s chewy, bendy like rubber and surprisingly bland.
There was a bit of the mixture on the knife I used to test it. It’s so rubbery that it can be used as playdough
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This recipe DOES NOT WORK. I guess I knew it wouldn’t work, hence only investing 85p on the ingredients for it. I used up 5 KWH of electricity trying to get it to cook which has whacked £1.43 on my bill this morning.
Ridiculous, such a lazy grifting charlatan, how she’s still getting away with this, I do not know.
This was an ‘exclusive recipe from the Asda version of ‘Tin Can Cook’ , hence the asterisks in the ingredients list - they mean she’s supposedly tested it using Asda ingredients.
Pffft
Verdict - cheap ingredients yes
Energy consumption big fat NO
Level 1 result: Dire
Please do not try this in your home, I went through it so you didn’t have to. Now duck off x
Ps if this is too long, please can someone put it behind one of those spoiler button things for me thank youuu x
This thread has really driven home what bleeping LIES her claims of all her recipes being "triple tested by a team of home economists" and leaving all who taste them squealing in delight are. It's obvious that when supposedly writing one of her slop manuals she sits around doing whatever the duck she does all day, leaves the actual recipe development to the last possible minute and then just cobbles any old shite together. And even THEN she can't manage to meet her deadlines, hence all the "final final final FINAL FINAL FINAL FINAL FINAL" edits and Grifty Kitchen being almost two years late.
It genuinely makes me furious that she has a book deal when there are countless people out there who are actually passionate and knowledgeable about food yet can't catch a break.
It genuinely makes me furious that she has a book deal when there are countless people out there who are actually passionate and knowledgeable about food yet can't catch a break.
Do we think one day people will say about her "oh was she the one who f***ked herself over by cooking things in a cold pan"
Thank you for posting this, dear heart - apart from the funny side of things (the ninnies are the best), the main take from the experiments is that it has confirmed what we already knew. Her recipes are crap, and she's certainly no help to those she's been made the public face of. I hope she won't be that for much longer, the lying, grifting charlatan. I also hope with all my heart that things improve for you very soon.I’ve Been hesitant to post this but I am a food bank user. Her recipes are a joke.
I normally get - tinned pasta. Spaghetti hoops, they go on toast. As they are, unrinsed.
Tinned meat, a pie or stewed tinned meat. I eat pie as is, normally try and get some new potatoes to go with and cook some frozen veg. Sometimes I get tinned new potatoes and that’s a meal right there.
Tinned tuna. Mix with pasta for tuna pasta or sometimes w tinned sweetcorn on a jacket potato. Tuna sandwiches for a treat, toasted with cheese of i have the money.
Oats, cereal and UHT milk. I eat as it comes. It’s not delicious, or ideal, but it does the job. Cereal or oats for tea sometimes with some cinnamon added, it’s ok.
Tinned soup: I just eat the bleeping soup.
Fruit, a snack. Sometimes breakfast if I’m not that hungry.
No rinsing or any of her bullshit is required. Her recipes are honestly dangerous.
I cant speak on behalf of all foodbank users, but I eat because I have to. I don’t or can’t afford to duck around rinsing meat or cooking veg peelings on a meal that is inedible.
It’s not fair she has 7 cookbooks and earning god knows what amount a month.
She doesn’t deserve to have a voice on behalf of people who are struggling. I hate everything about her.
just my two cents. Poor people do not need to be taught how to manage a budget. We only spend what we need to. Budgeting or making tinned food into something it isn’t supposed to be isn’t the issue. TORIES are the bleeping issue and that’s above Jacks remit. I wish she’d just disappear into oblivion.
Slopalong is so funny but it’s genuinely engaging at the same time. Poor people who rely on a food parcel cannot afford to be bleeping around with her disgusting ‘meals’. Bottom line
I almost forgot- this week I had a treat and got some corned beef. Corned beef & baked bean hash is ELITE and it is what it is. On a jacket potato? Not dire
@PermanentEyeroll
Hot nicoise & Crabby Nora
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Point of order, m'lud - if the egg/cheese/milk is added at *end* in the Crabby Nora, the egg is NOT going to cook and you risk food poisoning. Just saying!
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What does she actually mean by 'light' cooking oil? Is she talking about the colour? The density? The taste?
I've had a google and can see that in the US, it may refer to the more heavily-processed subset of refined olive oils: https://brightland.co/blogs/field-notes/what-is-refined-olive-oil
Is that what she means? Because it's something that's not really available in the UK (you can get various blends of virgin + refined olive oil, but that's not the same thing).
Why doesn't she just talk about "vegetable oil" or "cooking oil"?
[/QUOTE]
Because moron with opinions.
That. Is. A. Genius. Idea!I just use gu ramekins melt the butter, pop the eggs in nuke in the meekrowarvey et voila poached eggs
Did you harass passengers on a plane for their Pringles lids, so you have some on hand in case you need to store the leftovers in the GU?I just use gu ramekins melt the butter, pop the eggs in nuke in the meekrowarvey et voila poached eggs
Can you imagine the lingering honk from garlic exploded in the meekrowaavey?
Crabby Nora - egg, milk, cheese. Whoever is on their uppers and has ALL the ingredients for this is definitely making a cheese omelette rather than risking it on fish paste pasta.
The ingredients on this one could make two or three light meals that wouldn’t go to waste.
The ingredients on this one could make two or three light meals that wouldn’t go to waste.
Update on the cake. I looked at it tonight when I got home from work (Jack, that place where you go to earn money) and some of it had sort of set into a rubbery mess. Being daft and a bit foolish I tasted it again. It tasted exactly the same as yesterday, that is of bitter brackish water with a tang of lime which just didn't work. It was just as awful as yesterday.
I chucked it in the bin, it was like throwing a rubbery housebrick away as the size and weight were similar
I chucked it in the bin, it was like throwing a rubbery housebrick away as the size and weight were similar
Make the cake mix and then serve it with custard. Yum
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Update on the leftovers from the Beery Berry Crumble.
I had about a quarter of a bowl of the topping - the stuff that wouldn't fit in the baking dish. It was mostly flour and demerara sugar. I threw in a handful of quick-cooking oats, chopped up some more butter, put it all in the bowl, and worked it around with my hands until it looked like a crumble topping is supposed to look like. I didn't measure the butter but I'd guess it was about two tablespoons.
Then I took the leftover fruit from the frozen fruit for the filling - there was about 200g left in the 600g packet - chopped up an apple that I had on hand, and mixed the apple and the fruit with a teaspoon of demerara sugar and some cinnamon. Fruit into the baking dish, cover it with topping, and bunged it into the oven for 25 mins at 180c. It came out perfectly.
While it was cooking I made another quick recipe which isn't one of Jack's - because it works - but which I think represents the kind of recipe she could be doing that would be genuinely helpful.
Measure 100g of fusilli pasta per person (200g in my case, for OH and myself). Boil the pasta for however long the package says.
When it's cooked, let it drain it in the sink. Don't rinse it with cold water.
While it's draining, use the saucepan to mix bottled/tinned marinara sauce and ricotta cheese - I do about 2/3 sauce to 1/3 cheese but it can be adjusted for those who like less or more. I don't measure, I just guess, but for two people a couple of tablespoons-full of each is enough (you can always add more if it isn't). The saucepan will still be warm from the pasta boil, so the ricotta will melt.
Because I had some leftover Kalamata olives, I diced those and threw them in along with some crushed red pepper.
Put the pasta back into the saucepan with the sauce, put it back on the stove element - I have an electric stove so even after the element is turned off it's still warm for a while - and mix the pasta together with the sauce until the pasta is coated with the sauce. If there's not enough sauce you can add more marinara and ricotta to the saucepan and mix it in.
Place in bowls and serve, with grated parmesan or cheddar on top if you like that.
That's it. It literally takes 10 minutes, three ingredients, and one saucepan. Take that, Jack, you effing charlatan.
I had about a quarter of a bowl of the topping - the stuff that wouldn't fit in the baking dish. It was mostly flour and demerara sugar. I threw in a handful of quick-cooking oats, chopped up some more butter, put it all in the bowl, and worked it around with my hands until it looked like a crumble topping is supposed to look like. I didn't measure the butter but I'd guess it was about two tablespoons.
Then I took the leftover fruit from the frozen fruit for the filling - there was about 200g left in the 600g packet - chopped up an apple that I had on hand, and mixed the apple and the fruit with a teaspoon of demerara sugar and some cinnamon. Fruit into the baking dish, cover it with topping, and bunged it into the oven for 25 mins at 180c. It came out perfectly.
While it was cooking I made another quick recipe which isn't one of Jack's - because it works - but which I think represents the kind of recipe she could be doing that would be genuinely helpful.
Measure 100g of fusilli pasta per person (200g in my case, for OH and myself). Boil the pasta for however long the package says.
When it's cooked, let it drain it in the sink. Don't rinse it with cold water.
While it's draining, use the saucepan to mix bottled/tinned marinara sauce and ricotta cheese - I do about 2/3 sauce to 1/3 cheese but it can be adjusted for those who like less or more. I don't measure, I just guess, but for two people a couple of tablespoons-full of each is enough (you can always add more if it isn't). The saucepan will still be warm from the pasta boil, so the ricotta will melt.
Because I had some leftover Kalamata olives, I diced those and threw them in along with some crushed red pepper.
Put the pasta back into the saucepan with the sauce, put it back on the stove element - I have an electric stove so even after the element is turned off it's still warm for a while - and mix the pasta together with the sauce until the pasta is coated with the sauce. If there's not enough sauce you can add more marinara and ricotta to the saucepan and mix it in.
Place in bowls and serve, with grated parmesan or cheddar on top if you like that.
That's it. It literally takes 10 minutes, three ingredients, and one saucepan. Take that, Jack, you effing charlatan.
Good point HoC, if 3m50s boiling won't cook an egg the "heat from the pasta" certainly won't. Maybe she's confused it with putting the pasta and egg back on the heat.
I said I would make Shakshuka. It was actually nice. I must have struck lucky (goes out to do lottery numbers now).
Costs - I had everything else already
Tinned tomatoes - 29p
Pepper - 48p
Spinach - 90p
Starting off with picture one, this is salt, tinned tomatoes, I wanted to add spinach for the greens to have a chance of it being edible.
There was no recommendations on washing spinach before using but as I don't want to DIE, I washed and patted dry and tore up into bits.
The yellow pepper I deseeded and diced roughly. The red onion was from a prepack red sliced onion as i have difficulties chopping onions and the mini packs from Tesco have just the right amount for me at one time.
I used 3 eggs for this experiment.
The little shot glasses in front are a pinch of salt, tablespoon of oil, pinch of paprika and 2 tablespoons of cumin.
I started off with a cold pan as per Jack and added the onion, pepper, oil, cumin and salt. I admit I didn't add the black pepper as i absolutely hate it and I figured that it may not impact the overall recipes.
This mixture sat in a very dry looking pan for what felt like ages (but was about 10 minutes) on a medium heat. 3/6 on my hob dial. I tossed it around in the pan a bit but it was still a very dry mix.
Added the tinned tomatoes and chopped spinach, I put the lid over the pan for 10 minutes with tossing it around at 5 minutes intervals.
Turned the heat up to high, 6/6 on the dial and added the splash of water as per recipe, I used 1/3 of the tomato tin. I added the lid back on.
After about 10 minutes, I made the wells in the frying pan and added the eggs, one at a time and put the lid over the pan for 2 minutes again on job dial 6 and then turned down to job dial 3 for the next 10 minutes and checking it around at 5 minutes intervals. I used Alexa to set 5 minute timers.
I made 2 slices of toast and decided to scoop out onto a plate and garnished with a sprinkle of paprika. It was actually more solid that I was expecting.
Next is on the plate, over 2 slices of toast. It was actually plentiful. Dinner plate is 27cm for context. As that was the first serving and was actually very edible, slightly saltier than I would like but actually edible so was surprised.
This is the second portion in the pan and then the second portion on the plate over another two slices of toast so actually there is enough for two people in this recipe.
Texture was solid enough and the taste was actually quite good. I ate it over 2 portions in the same sitting
Overall its a 4, inhale greedily.
Costs - I had everything else already
Tinned tomatoes - 29p
Pepper - 48p
Spinach - 90p
Starting off with picture one, this is salt, tinned tomatoes, I wanted to add spinach for the greens to have a chance of it being edible.
There was no recommendations on washing spinach before using but as I don't want to DIE, I washed and patted dry and tore up into bits.
The yellow pepper I deseeded and diced roughly. The red onion was from a prepack red sliced onion as i have difficulties chopping onions and the mini packs from Tesco have just the right amount for me at one time.
I used 3 eggs for this experiment.
The little shot glasses in front are a pinch of salt, tablespoon of oil, pinch of paprika and 2 tablespoons of cumin.
I started off with a cold pan as per Jack and added the onion, pepper, oil, cumin and salt. I admit I didn't add the black pepper as i absolutely hate it and I figured that it may not impact the overall recipes.
This mixture sat in a very dry looking pan for what felt like ages (but was about 10 minutes) on a medium heat. 3/6 on my hob dial. I tossed it around in the pan a bit but it was still a very dry mix.
Added the tinned tomatoes and chopped spinach, I put the lid over the pan for 10 minutes with tossing it around at 5 minutes intervals.
Turned the heat up to high, 6/6 on the dial and added the splash of water as per recipe, I used 1/3 of the tomato tin. I added the lid back on.
After about 10 minutes, I made the wells in the frying pan and added the eggs, one at a time and put the lid over the pan for 2 minutes again on job dial 6 and then turned down to job dial 3 for the next 10 minutes and checking it around at 5 minutes intervals. I used Alexa to set 5 minute timers.
I made 2 slices of toast and decided to scoop out onto a plate and garnished with a sprinkle of paprika. It was actually more solid that I was expecting.
Next is on the plate, over 2 slices of toast. It was actually plentiful. Dinner plate is 27cm for context. As that was the first serving and was actually very edible, slightly saltier than I would like but actually edible so was surprised.
This is the second portion in the pan and then the second portion on the plate over another two slices of toast so actually there is enough for two people in this recipe.
Texture was solid enough and the taste was actually quite good. I ate it over 2 portions in the same sitting
Overall its a 4, inhale greedily.
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so we've established that not only are the recipes unworkable but in some cases actually hazardous to cook or eat, slow handclap to everyone who promoted this woman without a shred of due diligence
she just makes tit up on the spot and the grauniad set can't get enough
she just makes tit up on the spot and the grauniad set can't get enough
The fact there is at least 1 half decent slop is both a relief and disappointing.
from the shakshuka recipe, how insulting is this as in instruction: "Cover the pan with a lid (or tin foil, a plate – anything but your hands!) "
Notmycat I trust you managed to resist the urge to use your hands as a makeshift pan cover
Notmycat I trust you managed to resist the urge to use your hands as a makeshift pan cover
Is there a reverse recipe search on the internet? Can't be a JM original, can it?
I also managed not to put my hands on the hob to see was it hot or into oil to see if it was getting warmer. Go me
I would've knocked a point off for having to read the phrase "the promise of soft sloppy gorgeousness" but fair play, well slopped!
That's the only 4 and the highest score so far
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