Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley

[Valiofthedolls]

@Valiofthedolls the warning on the tinfoil had me and ing. Chapeau!

I’m not going to mention it to my Old Harold, I’m just going to wait til he sees it and wonders why I’ve started leaving passive aggressive messages that treat him like an imbecile.

(Once I know he’s definitely seen the foil message, if he doesn’t say anything, I might up the ante by sticking messages elsewhere, like on the Persil saying “Laundry detergent: Do not put on cornflakes. WARNED”, or “Plastic bag: Do not put in oven. WARNED”.

I’m already figuring out how often I can sneak into everyday conversation that a well is “a sort of hole”)

He’s a lucky, lucky man.

 

[definitelynotvlad]

PART 2 Marmite Mac and Cheese in a Mug: Work Version. Apologies for the delayed follow up.

@dickanddom did the non-work version, I prepped the refrigeration not needed work version and “commuted” with it. Now to cook my lunch.
Recipe at bottom.

Spoiler: Preparation

First, as she’s got SEVEN books and cooked for Mary PORTAS, I took a leaf out expert Jack’s book and made a line of tape on the floor that my child “work colleagues” must not cross when I am cooking my mug of yummy pasta. COLLEAGUES. YOU SHALL NOT CROSS!

View attachment 1712485
View attachment 1712426Next, I recreated a workplace environment with some office-style accoutrements, and my own special private pot of pens. Note that while I couldn’t face filthying up the microwave inside for office authenticity, I did attempt to make a little bit of a smeary mess on the outside. (Please enjoy the picture of Sebastian Bach in golden hipster pants from the cover of his book that sits in my ‘workplace’ instead of the obligatory yet dull usual degree certificates and family photographs). Look at those lovely flowing locks everyone. Swoon!
View attachment 1712362Now to the prep. Jack tells me to cover my giant mug with cling film (which I do not have) or a saucer. Having been forewarned by the intrepid @dickanddom that all this is going to get hotter than the inside of a McDonald’s apple pie, I SHAN’T balance a saucer on it.

Hmmmm…. What can I use to cover my mug?! Oh, hello aluminum foil!
View attachment 1712275

Spoiler: Wait a moment! What’s this?!

View attachment 1712278
Thanks, Jack. Thanks for all that you do in the name of your embarrassingly betrousered Papa. To save us imbeciles from exploding our houses.

Spoiler: The cooking and eating

I didn’t have any beef stock so I decided to use 150ml of water and 100ml of low sodium veg stock. I was also scared to use a mug, so pulled out a Pyrex jug I knew could withstand the abuse. I then got my tasty looking room temperature oil/marmite/cheese mixture ready to go
View attachment 1712279
I covered the jug with one of those microwave non splatter covers. I cooked for 2 mins at a time, stirring and putting back in for a total of 6 mins. After the second and third 2 mins all the liquid burst completely out of the jug like a fiancée/OH running for the door and had to be poured back in. The jug was SO bleeping HOT this part was dangerous. (To clear up any confusion about the Vali office/household, that is not a rampant rabbit reflected in the oily liquid, for I do not have a kitchen drawer of cocks, i have a kitchen pot of cooking implements, so it is SPATULAE plural)
View attachment 1712302Then it was time to plop in the cheesy oily room temperature ooze from my morning commute that does not need refrigeration. Yum! One more minute!
View attachment 1712303
Voila! Finished product. As you can see, the liquid did not all dissipate. Jack gives no instruction for this so I assume it’s part of the recipe and dish that up too.
View attachment 1712305
A pretend colleague comes into the office kitchen so I decide to be collegial and share my luncheon. (Shout out to the Wales and Manchester Massives with the muggos).
What?! White trash shouldn’t eat from mugs? Those oven gloves are CATH KIDSTON, witch!
View attachment 1712319
Close Up
View attachment 1712320View attachment 1712323
I tuck into the Grand Slam mug. The pasta isn’t cooked all the way. It’s oily and salty. I press on. After eating it all, there is a lot of liquid left.

I decide this is pretty much the equivalent of fancy bone broth, which is apparently all kinds of healthy. I do not have a shot glass so I use an eggcup. Note the minging oily residue left in the mug.
View attachment 1712395 Down the hatch with the healthful-properties-imparting shot of “Bone Broth” (Jack, you can have that ‘recipe’ on me) View attachment 1712394Bllllllleeeeuuuuuurrrrrgh! I don’t know why I did that. The things I do in service of you ninnies.

Anyway, it was all pretty awful. It was just about edible, but two hours later, just like @dickanddom, despite drinking a tit ton of water, I had a raging thirst and my tongue felt like a desiccated slug that the salt pot had been chucked at it.

Verdict: 2 Terrible. It was edible, but salty as duck, oily, kind of dangerous because everything got so hot with oily liquid slopping everywhere (and I’m not convinced that leaving an oil marmite cheese mix on your desk for 4 hours is wise either) and not worth it. Bonus, it was free food as it was all in my larder.

Note that my “colleague” couldn’t face their mug and I couldn’t face seeing it congealed in the fridge tomorrow so that second one went into the bin.

Marmite mac-n-cheese in a mug, 36p (MICROWAVE)

Friends will know that my Marmite obsession is almost as out of control as my peanut butter obsession. In leaner times, I would substitute Marmite, which was well out of my budget range, for a past…

cookingonabootstrap.com

Edit: here’s part 1

Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

I'm on my phone and scrolling down to reveal @VeniVidiVicki 's lasagne was comedy gold.

tattle.life

This has made me genuinely cry with laughter, I was deceased at COLLEAGUES YOU SHALL NOT CROSS and read the rest from the afterlife. Thankyou for all you do, tender one xx

 

[Walkdengirl]

Here goes!

I chose the RED MUSHROOM CURRY from Jack’s website, as I thought it sounded relatively inoffensive. As it turns out, I was wrong.

I decided to half everything to make 1-2 servings (instead of 2-4). Here’s the link:

https://cookingonabootstrap.com/2018/02/13/red-mushroom-curry-40p-vg-v-df-gf/?amp=1

Ingredients:

She calls this a “hot spicy little number”, but it only has 1/8 tsp chilli flakes for 1-2 people. This is barely visible to the naked eye. FFS. Has she no taste buds?

View attachment 1712213

Cost:

I had everything in already apart from the mushrooms, which cost 60p.

Making the “curry paste” in the blender:

Why is there passata in this? A teeny tiny amount, but still. Red curry paste gets its colour from dried and fresh red chillies, there’s no tomato. (There’s also things like lemongrass, galangal, fish sauce etc. none of which is here.) But passata is red, I suppose, so there is that. But what do I know, Jack is the self-proclaimed food expert.

Anyway, the “paste” is not a paste - slurry is more like it. It is pinkish and tastes overwhelmingly of raw onion. Really unpleasant.

View attachment 1712218

Cooking the “curry”:

The instructions said wash the mushrooms, which I did. Then halved (although Jack’s photo shows them whole), and into the cold pan with a “dash” of oil and some salt until “gently browned”.

I then added the “paste” and simmered for 20 mins, as per instructions.

View attachment 1712231

And here’s the finished product.

View attachment 1712239


Nutrition (for the whole 1-2 person serving):

Calories: 250 (181 from the coconut milk)
Carbs: 16g
Saturated fat: 16g (that’s pretty high for a tiny meal)
Protein: 5g (very low)

That is quite bad enough as a single portion, but if you split it between 2 people, that’s 125 cals each FFS. I’m actually furious that she is passing this off as a meal.

Verdict:

A red curry that’s neither red nor a curry. The dominant taste is raw onion (due to the main ingredient in the “paste” being blended raw onion, I guess), with an unpleasant muddy back note. There is no heat in this at all, and it looks like slurry. Nutritionally, it barely qualifies as a side dish.

Taste: 1/5
Visual appeal: 1/5
Nutrition: 0/5

That is truly awful, apart from the fact it's not a curry it's also so deficient in calories as to be dangerous. There is no way that would fill you even with added rice. You would be hungry in next to no time

 

[VeniVidiVicki]

I mean, in one way, I don’t know why we’re surprised that all her recipes are tit and a massive fraud given that everything else she says she does is tit and a massive fraud. I suppose I had a small flickering hope that there was a reason for her success but that has now been snuffed out.

I feel a poem coming on.

 

[Walkdengirl]

I’ve Been hesitant to post this but I am a food bank user. Her recipes are a joke.
I normally get - tinned pasta. Spaghetti hoops, they go on toast. As they are, unrinsed.
Tinned meat, a pie or stewed tinned meat. I eat pie as is, normally try and get some new potatoes to go with and cook some frozen veg. Sometimes I get tinned new potatoes and that’s a meal right there.
Tinned tuna. Mix with pasta for tuna pasta or sometimes w tinned sweetcorn on a jacket potato. Tuna sandwiches for a treat, toasted with cheese of i have the money.
Oats, cereal and UHT milk. I eat as it comes. It’s not delicious, or ideal, but it does the job. Cereal or oats for tea sometimes with some cinnamon added, it’s ok.
Tinned soup: I just eat the bleeping soup.
Fruit, a snack. Sometimes breakfast if I’m not that hungry.
No rinsing or any of her bullshit is required. Her recipes are honestly dangerous.
I cant speak on behalf of all foodbank users, but I eat because I have to. I don’t or can’t afford to duck around rinsing meat or cooking veg peelings on a meal that is inedible.
It’s not fair she has 7 cookbooks and earning god knows what amount a month.
She doesn’t deserve to have a voice on behalf of people who are struggling. I hate everything about her.
just my two cents. Poor people do not need to be taught how to manage a budget. We only spend what we need to. Budgeting or making tinned food into something it isn’t supposed to be isn’t the issue. TORIES are the bleeping issue and that’s above Jacks remit. I wish she’d just disappear into oblivion.
Slopalong is so funny but it’s genuinely engaging at the same time. Poor people who rely on a food parcel cannot afford to be bleeping around with her disgusting ‘meals’. Bottom line

I almost forgot- this week I had a treat and got some corned beef. Corned beef & baked bean hash is ELITE and it is what it is. On a jacket potato? Not dire

It makes me very angry that she has a voice and a book deal. When we were really hard up it wasn't that I couldn't cook, but I didn't have anything in the cupboard to cook! She has never been in that position ever, and she never will.

If I'd made any of these terrible recipes at that time I don't know what I would have done when it turned out inedible as I just couldn't afford to waste any food. I would have probably had to force it down and make something else for my husband and the kids.

Does she mean that awful fry lite emulsion in a spray bottle ~1cal per squirt but you need 25 squirts and it goes off in about a week.

And it takes the non stick off your pans!

 

[SocksMagoo]

I’m not going to mention it to my Old Harold, I’m just going to wait til he sees it and wonders why I’ve started leaving passive aggressive messages that treat him like an imbecile.

The thought of this has proper tickled me You must report back his reaction

 

[That Forensic Man]

Full disclosure I just ate the whole Viennetta
It was alright but nothing to rant and rave about
Rating: 3 - Middle class

 

[Valiofthedolls]

Full disclosure I just ate the whole Viennetta
It was alright but nothing to rant and rave about
Rating: 3 - Middle class

But did you blend it with the juice from a tin of mandarins and the oil saved from a can of mackerel? Because if not, I think you might be doing Vienetta wrong.

 

[ChocolateMuffin]

Ta Dah! The mangy salad-bag pesto.

Don't bother wasting good garlic on it. No flavour at all, although the peppery rocket tried its best. Bland, bland, bland. It's a 1 from me. Save yourselves, and just throw the salad away

Only ingredient I had to buy was the slimy salad for £1.50

View attachment 1710423

View attachment 1710424

View attachment 1710426

I should have said that I've made this back in the day, before her shiny eye and my eyes opening. Terrible. I pretended it was great due to being known as a rampant cookaholicwasteymucho (I have 2 portions of 5 day old kabanos and broad bean, erm, 'chilli' rotting away in the fridge as I type) I left it at the back of the fridge where it unfortunately got encased in an iceblock and had to be hacked out and binned on the unfreezing the fukt fridge day of 2020.

 

[That Forensic Man]

But did you blend it with the juice from a tin of mandarins and the oil saved from a can of mackerel? Because if not, I think you might be doing Vienetta wrong.

No but, um, next time tender one, next time x

 

[dickanddom]

PART 2 Marmite Mac and Cheese in a Mug: Work Version. Apologies for the delayed follow up.

@dickanddom did the non-work version, I prepped the refrigeration not needed work version and “commuted” with it. Now to cook my lunch.
Recipe at bottom.

Spoiler: Preparation

First, as she’s got SEVEN books and cooked for Mary PORTAS, I took a leaf out expert Jack’s book and made a line of tape on the floor that my child “work colleagues” must not cross when I am cooking my mug of yummy pasta. COLLEAGUES. YOU SHALL NOT CROSS!

View attachment 1712485
View attachment 1712426Next, I recreated a workplace environment with some office-style accoutrements, and my own special private pot of pens. Note that while I couldn’t face filthying up the microwave inside for office authenticity, I did attempt to make a little bit of a smeary mess on the outside. (Please enjoy the picture of Sebastian Bach in golden hipster pants from the cover of his book that sits in my ‘workplace’ instead of the obligatory yet dull usual degree certificates and family photographs). Look at those lovely flowing locks everyone. Swoon!
View attachment 1712362Now to the prep. Jack tells me to cover my giant mug with cling film (which I do not have) or a saucer. Having been forewarned by the intrepid @dickanddom that all this is going to get hotter than the inside of a McDonald’s apple pie, I SHAN’T balance a saucer on it.

Hmmmm…. What can I use to cover my mug?! Oh, hello aluminum foil!
View attachment 1712275

Spoiler: Wait a moment! What’s this?!

View attachment 1712278
Thanks, Jack. Thanks for all that you do in the name of your embarrassingly betrousered Papa. To save us imbeciles from exploding our houses.

Spoiler: The cooking and eating

I didn’t have any beef stock so I decided to use 150ml of water and 100ml of low sodium veg stock. I was also scared to use a mug, so pulled out a Pyrex jug I knew could withstand the abuse. I then got my tasty looking room temperature oil/marmite/cheese mixture ready to go
View attachment 1712279
I covered the jug with one of those microwave non splatter covers. I cooked for 2 mins at a time, stirring and putting back in for a total of 6 mins. After the second and third 2 mins all the liquid burst completely out of the jug like a fiancée/OH running for the door and had to be poured back in. The jug was SO bleeping HOT this part was dangerous. (To clear up any confusion about the Vali office/household, that is not a rampant rabbit reflected in the oily liquid, for I do not have a kitchen drawer of cocks, i have a kitchen pot of cooking implements, so it is SPATULAE plural)
View attachment 1712302Then it was time to plop in the cheesy oily room temperature ooze from my morning commute that does not need refrigeration. Yum! One more minute!
View attachment 1712303
Voila! Finished product. As you can see, the liquid did not all dissipate. Jack gives no instruction for this so I assume it’s part of the recipe and dish that up too.
View attachment 1712305
A pretend colleague comes into the office kitchen so I decide to be collegial and share my luncheon. (Shout out to the Wales and Manchester Massives with the muggos).
What?! White trash shouldn’t eat from mugs? Those oven gloves are CATH KIDSTON, witch!
View attachment 1712319
Close Up
View attachment 1712320View attachment 1712323
I tuck into the Grand Slam mug. The pasta isn’t cooked all the way. It’s oily and salty. I press on. After eating it all, there is a lot of liquid left.

I decide this is pretty much the equivalent of fancy bone broth, which is apparently all kinds of healthy. I do not have a shot glass so I use an eggcup. Note the minging oily residue left in the mug.
View attachment 1712395 Down the hatch with the healthful-properties-imparting shot of “Bone Broth” (Jack, you can have that ‘recipe’ on me) View attachment 1712394Bllllllleeeeuuuuuurrrrrgh! I don’t know why I did that. The things I do in service of you ninnies.

Anyway, it was all pretty awful. It was just about edible, but two hours later, just like @dickanddom, despite drinking a tit ton of water, I had a raging thirst and my tongue felt like a desiccated slug that the salt pot had been chucked at it.

Verdict: 2 Terrible. It was edible, but salty as duck, oily, kind of dangerous because everything got so hot with oily liquid slopping everywhere (and I’m not convinced that leaving an oil marmite cheese mix on your desk for 4 hours is wise either) and not worth it. Bonus, it was free food as it was all in my larder.

Note that my “colleague” couldn’t face their mug and I couldn’t face seeing it congealed in the fridge tomorrow so that second one went into the bin.

Marmite mac-n-cheese in a mug, 36p (MICROWAVE)

Friends will know that my Marmite obsession is almost as out of control as my peanut butter obsession. In leaner times, I would substitute Marmite, which was well out of my budget range, for a past…

cookingonabootstrap.com

Edit: here’s part 1

Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

I'm on my phone and scrolling down to reveal @VeniVidiVicki 's lasagne was comedy gold.

tattle.life

It’s truly awful and I’m sorry that you had to go through this too. Perhaps a note about post-slop rehydration should be added to the end of the recipe, as well as a health and safety warning. Loving the work poster and the accidental SPATULAE pics.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

It’s truly awful and I’m sorry that you had to go through this too. Perhaps a note about post-slop rehydration should be added to the end of the recipe, as well as a health and safety warning. Loving the work poster and the accidental SPATULAE pics.

Edit to spoiler cos it got long and I didn’t realize, sorry.

Spoiler

I feel like we’ve been bonded together by scalding salty horror, but in hindsight looking at yours again, a cursory glance at the recipes on BBC tit food and her blog show that apart from the scalding six minute oily cook, there are as usual differences in ingredients and method. (Making it all about me like our smol one, but) Thank duck I didn’t see that milk was an option and decide to go full on Thunderdome with the risk of food poisoning by soaking my work pasta in milk for hours, then scalding myself with boiling milk before ingesting repugnant oily creamy saltiness.

@dickanddom BBC shite food version October 2015

Jack’s blog, also 2015, but in March, when she’d “given up her oven for Lent”. Because nothing quite exemplifies the 40 Days’ Temptation of Christ in the desert by Satan like performatively microwaving stinky inedible slop in the cluttered kitchen of Leggy’s big West London house for weeks on end while reminding people not to microwave metal.

March 2015

Marmite mac-n-cheese in a mug, 36p (MICROWAVE)

Friends will know that my Marmite obsession is almost as out of control as my peanut butter obsession. In leaner times, I would substitute Marmite, which was well out of my budget range, for a past…

cookingonabootstrap.com

October 2015

Microwave mac ’n’ cheese recipe | Good Food

Pasta, pronto! Jack Monroe's easiest ever macaroni and cheese makes a delicious solo supper or packed lunch – just pop it in the microwave at work

www.bbcgoodfood.com

Also, there is nothing nutritious about this. I think I’d just go for a pot noodle and not risk life, limb and my fingerprints (though I think I might now know why Essex PoPo never found the culprits for ‘asbestos fingers’ Jack’s burglaries or the culprits for the burglars’ return of bikes and DEAD immigrant Le Creuset).

I’m not sure how we could do this, but I’d love it if we could somehow calculate all the money we’ve collectively wasted on the ingredients for these inedible/repulsive “meals” and treats (cakes etc beyond your 3 meals a day) Eg £350 total cost for X recipes, X number of which (one at this time, the Shskshuka) are actually worth repeating/edible/suitable to feed yourself or your family.

Including what’s in our “larders” and costed for how much it costs to buy the bleeping oil/herbs/spices in the first place and then the amount used, not the bleeping bullshit cost of Marmite that you take a teaspoon to Asda so they can fill 1/2 of your teaspoon with 3p worth. Mine was inexpensive in the grand scheme of things, but between us we’ve squandered hundreds of pounds already.

 

[Madonna_Claws]

bleeping hell, I want to know more about your pals!!

They were famous-ish in the 90s 🔺️🔺️🔺️ (should have been way bigger imho but there you go) and there's all sorts of related paraphernalia in the house, as well as very distinctive curtains, wallpaper etc that anyone who's visited them may recognise.

I also don't want them to know I am conducting nefarious food experiments while they are away and thus have access to a proper cooker, plus I don't know how to work the extractor fan... Whilst I suspect the recipe will end up slop(py), it ~ought~ to be edible. Famous last words and all that...

Quick update: there's STILL a hint of a lingering honk of bastard sardines. Pilchards are nicer, and at least they taste of something. Really. For the fishcakes, just use spuds and pilchards (plus the tomato sauce they come in) - that's all you need, no lemon juice, no parsley, and NO OIL as that's what made them slimy. I'm hardly Delia Smith myself (wrong football name for starters) buttwit OFF Jack, you hopeless bint.

 

[ChocolateMuffin]

Edit to spoiler cos it got long and I didn’t realize, sorry.

Spoiler

I feel like we’ve been bonded together by scalding salty horror, but in hindsight looking at yours again, a cursory glance at the recipes on BBC tit food and her blog show that apart from the scalding six minute oily cook, there are as usual differences in ingredients and method. (Making it all about me like our smol one, but) Thank duck I didn’t see that milk was an option and decide to go full on Thunderdome with the risk of food poisoning by soaking my work pasta in milk for hours, then scalding myself with boiling milk before ingesting repugnant oily creamy saltiness.

@dickanddom BBC shite food version October 2015View attachment 1712936
View attachment 1712938

Jack’s blog, also 2015, but in March, when she’d “given up her oven for Lent”. Because nothing quite exemplifies the 40 Days’ Temptation of Christ in the desert by Satan like performatively microwaving stinky inedible slop in the cluttered kitchen of Leggy’s big West London house for weeks on end while reminding people not to microwave metal.

View attachment 1712959View attachment 1712961
March 2015

Marmite mac-n-cheese in a mug, 36p (MICROWAVE)

Friends will know that my Marmite obsession is almost as out of control as my peanut butter obsession. In leaner times, I would substitute Marmite, which was well out of my budget range, for a past…

cookingonabootstrap.com

October 2015

Microwave mac ’n’ cheese recipe | Good Food

Pasta, pronto! Jack Monroe's easiest ever macaroni and cheese makes a delicious solo supper or packed lunch – just pop it in the microwave at work

www.bbcgoodfood.com

Also, there is nothing nutritious about this. I think I’d just go for a pot noodle and not risk life, limb and my fingerprints (though I think I might now know why Essex PoPo never found the culprits for ‘asbestos fingers’ Jack’s burglaries or the culprits for the burglars’ return of bikes and DEAD immigrant Le Creuset).

I’m not sure how we could do this, but I’d love it if we could somehow calculate all the money we’ve collectively wasted on the ingredients for these inedible/repulsive “meals” and treats (cakes etc beyond your 3 meals a day) Eg £350 total cost for X recipes, X number of which (one at this time, the Shskshuka) are actually worth repeating/edible/suitable to feed yourself or your family.

Including what’s in our “larders” and costed for how much it costs to buy the bleeping oil/herbs/spices in the first place and then the amount used, not the bleeping bullshit cost of Marmite that you take a teaspoon to Asda so they can fill 1/2 of your teaspoon with 3p worth. Mine was inexpensive in the grand scheme of things, but between us we’ve squandered hundreds of pounds already.

I am sure everyone can donate to a local food bank if they want.

 

[Madonna_Claws]

View attachment 1712362

Sebastian Bach: 5
Food: 1

Out of interest, have we had a minus score yet?

 

[hoopdedoo]

Hot and spicy, oh dear. Then again Jack is the person who puts 1 tsp chilli flakes in a VINDALOO and nothing else
This comparison shot might be one of the worst as well, notice Jack's spoon to bowl size ratio here.
Could (must?) her version be fake?

View attachment 1712584View attachment 1712586

Clearly @Tabitha D 's version is fake because she cut the mushrooms in half. If she had left them whole, just as Saint Jack of the Kitchen has decreed, her curry would be the proper size and would also be RED.

 

[HotesTilaire]

They were famous-ish in the 90s 🔺️🔺️🔺️ (should have been way bigger imho but there you go) and there's all sorts of related paraphernalia in the house, as well as very distinctive curtains, wallpaper etc that anyone who's visited them may recognise.

I also don't want them to know I am conducting nefarious food experiments while they are away and thus have access to a proper cooker, plus I don't know how to work the extractor fan... Whilst I suspect the recipe will end up slop(py), it ~ought~ to be edible. Famous last words and all that...

Quick update: there's STILL a hint of a lingering honk of bastard sardines. Pilchards are nicer, and at least they taste of something. Really. For the fishcakes, just use spuds and pilchards (plus the tomato sauce they come in) - that's all you need, no lemon juice, no parsley, and NO OIL as that's what made them slimy. I'm hardly Delia Smith myself (wrong football name for starters) buttwit OFF Jack, you hopeless bint.

We need smellovision for this episode of through’t keyhole

 

[That Forensic Man]

Sebastian Bach: 5
Food: 1

Out of interest, have we had a minus score yet?

Not yet, lowest rating is a 1 for DIRE but if a frau can truly outdo Jack's mum's tatties we may have to reconsider.
Couple of 2.5 though which caused a minor aneurysm each

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

Incredibly I think she is even worse at baking than cooking.

Most of the slops are tit but probably edible. The cakes are just claggy bricks.

She has no understanding of baking, which is a science, not an art. You need precise mixtures of ingredients or your cake turns into a brick. She doesn't understand and doesn't care to educate herself, she just comes out with any old bollocks and calls it done.

Cake mix is designed to be cooked following the pack instructions, you can't just stir it into a can of custard and expect the same results.

If you're making a vegan cake you can't just swap out the apple sauce egg replacement for marmalade, just because they're both made out of fruit and sugar.

She's ignorant and careless and isn't interested in the end result, partly because she hates food and partly because she's cooking down to a price point and not up to a standard, so everything gets stripped down to the bare bones, she doesn't understand why ingredient X is there but if she leaves it in it means the end result is too expensive so out it goes, too bad you've just spent your last £2.50 on the ingredients for what you hoped would be a nice birthday cake for your child, she doesn't give a tuppeny duck and it makes me so angry.

 

[House of Carbonara]

That is truly awful, apart from the fact it's not a curry it's also so deficient in calories as to be dangerous. There is no way that would fill you even with added rice. You would be hungry in next to no time

This! Suddenly realised that she *knows* her portions are ridiculous - didn't she post, not so long ago, that she had to have porridge after having her dinner because 75g of pasta and half a courgette is not enough for an adult? Disingenuous t*at.
Also curious about what kind of mushrooms she used - those in the pic look like shiitake, drowned in sieved tomato sauce. She wouldn't stage fake pics now, surely??