Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley

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FrumpyCat

My husband is intrigued by my copy of TCC (Tin Can Cook. )

Latest conversation:
Him 'Are people meant to take that book seriously?'
Me ' yes, I think so'
Him 'was it a best seller?'
Me 'I doubt it'
Him 'what's her name?'
Me 'Jack Monroe'
Him I'm going to Google "what do people think of Jack Monroe's tin can cook."''
Finds youtube review for rhubarb and custard crumble.
Watches open-mouthed muttering ' but why would you do that? But the custard and rhubarb are already cooked. That woman said it is a budget recipe, but she put it in the oven for 40 minutes. Even when the book was written, that wasn't budget. Look, she's making her husband eat it! '

He is out this afternoon, so I may attempt ' no cook pasta' from TCC
 
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Slopportunity Knocks

Slopportunity Knocks Gnocchi AKA Slop Knocks Gnoc Slops AKA SKGS

We begin.

At the start of this I vowed to follow the recipe to the letter and not make any presumptions/adjustments, I don’t want to be responsible for trying to save her shitty recipe - I see the point of a recipe book is that you have paid someone else to guide you. From what we have seen here so far, JM’s recipes are the equivalent of a Sat Nav slowly, gently, guiding you to drive into a lake.

I did some voice notes as I cooked to help work up my review. My OH was also on hand to forensically document the SKGS

I assembled my ingredients

1 Egg - already had in FREE
100g Flour (no specification so went with plain) - already had in FREE
500g (drained weight - WARNED) tinned potatoes - 55p x 3 = £1.65
A handful of fresh parsley x 60p per packet

= AT LEAST £2.25

I couldn't find how she had costed it - if anyone has a version that estimates a £ per portion please share!

Each tin of potatoes had a drain weight of 180g so I had to decant three tins to reach the 500g goal - Obvs the weights are approximated on the tin but it left me with 132g of potatoes leftover. What do I do with these potatoes Jack - do I bung them in a curry!?!? Why 500g in the recipe?

I was then directed to place the potatoes in a saucepan with water - cold or hot water was not specified so I went with cold. As I was told to use the drained weight (WARNED) I sieved the potatoes and then added them to the pan and put cold water on top.

“Bring to the boil reduce to a simmer and cook to warm through - around five minutes.”
Let’s time this shit, no specification what heat to have on the hob so I went with a happy ‘medium’. 6.27 minutes we reached boiling point so I chose to let them simmer for another 5. Voice Note “These potatoes are going to be hotter than the sun.”

I grabbed a handful of should I say fistful (bit gauche) of parsley and chopped finely. A handful is a lot of parsley.



Once a total of 11 minutes, 27 seconds was up I forensically followed orders and took the potatoes out of the pan with a SLOTTED spoon and mashed them QUICKLY. Here is a video of me mashing quickly rather than my normal ambling, laissez-farre slow mashing style so you can see I fully committed. Steamy!

Your browser is not able to display this video.

Stir in parsley and egg. Voice note - “smells so fucking weird.”

Next add the flour and ‘work’ it into the mash potato. I didn’t sift it because she didn’t direct me to. If she thinks for one second I am using my hands (sorry Caroline) to do this, she is having a laugh, instead I used my cheapest whisk I was okay sacrificing,

It all got so stuck in my whisk. Voice note - “it smells so weird, it’s really hot and I am frightened.”
Warning ahead - this is so gross and sloppy - skip if you are of a delicate disposition


After some spoon in whisk action my slop was free. Now comes the part where we are told to ‘tip the mixture our onto a floured surface and USE MY HANDS to work it for a few minutes to create a soft dough." As I had already committed to following the instructions, I could no longer avoid getting my hands in there. It was so WET! I did wear the gloves that came with my purple conditioner and reader, they may have saved my life. I could still feel the hot, slimy lumps oozing around my fingers but as you can see I could still be stuck to my kitchen surface had I not worn the gloves, perhaps that's where those kitchen counter thot shots came from - her Mediterranean arse was stuck to the counter top with wayward gnocchi slop .

Hot Slop Video - work that slop!
Your browser is not able to display this video.

It was soft alright but a dough it was not. I think the last time I made this I added more flour to try and get it to a firmer consistency - this time I stuck to the recipe as written. It was physically impossible for me to roll this slop into a long thin sausage - so I used a knife to arrange about a quarter of the slop into 2.5cm long pieces - I even attempted a ridge effect with a fork.
The gnocchi did indeed rise in the boiling water to signal they were ‘done’. I was also done. Here is the finished product (the eagle eyed of you may spot that I have added a shop bought gnocchi in the meal - see if you can guess which it is!)

I fed a bit to OH and the texture made him do a little ‘gip’ which was a review in itself. Once he recovered he declared it “dire - it feels slimy and tastes of nothing, but also too much parsley all at the same time.” I tried a bit too - and the closest comparison is what I imagine eating of lumps of old wallpaper paste would feel like, if you mixed it with a fuck tonne of parsley. It is inedible, makes a huge mess, takes far longer than just boiling some gnocchi and potentially costs more to produce, whilst also wasting food because of the weird measurements of ingredients - why not base it on the drained weight of one tin of potatoes - why 500g? Why am I even asking this?

Ingredients -3 - easy to get but the required amount of potatoes mean you have to buy more than you need. The parsley is pointless and expensive.
Recipe - doesn’t work - 0
Visual Appeal - gip 0
Texture - double gip - 0
Taste - parsley gip - 0

Overall rating - 0.5 somewhere between Dire and Dog Shit. BINNED!

Now fuck off! x
 
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dickanddom

I know it’s not strictly on topic but Vladserver has just targeted me with The Great Snow, some kind of restaurant experience “as snowfall dusts the landscape” etc.

 
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Witchfinder Sargeant

The wet slap of gnocchi hitting the counter
 
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LadyGarden

@Slopportunity Knocks - thank you for your service, that looks truly revolting Excellent use of the purple shampoo gloves, I don't think I could have touched that slop with my bare hands either. It would have been like trying to form gnocchi with a slug's innards

Update on Not Actually Jack's Dal Makhani

Having realised that I had messed this up yesterday, I was both hungover and mortified - about as good a combination as most of Jack's ingredients. As such, I couldn't face eating another portion of the Dal of Shame, so it sat in the fridge gently mocking me.

Thought I'd have it today for lunch. I picked the kidney beans out (not a huge fan) and warmed up a small portion. The onion was definitely more undercooked than I remember the first time round. I suspect that's because I removed the 'middle' texture (beans) so it was a more stark contrast between the soft lentils and much harder onions. It wasn't a nice contrast, the onion definitely needed more cooking.

The remaining dal went in a saucepan with some added water and thin slice of butter. Brought up to medium heat then simmered for 20 minutes. Taken off the heat then left for another 15 minutes with the pan covered. Quick reheat and, along with some plain rice, it was very nice. Bloody long-winded though in order to try and deal with one undercooked ingredient (plus adds to the fuel costs).

Jack, if you learn nothing else in this world then please, for the love of everything that is holy, learn to fry off onions.
 
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Smol Pixel

I nearly spat my tea out at the video of your speedy mashing. Chapeau, tender one. A triumph of literal recipe interpretation.
 
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T

ThatsNotMyKitten

OMG @Slopportunity Knocks, what even is that? There is surely no way she’s actually made that herself and thinks the recipe works? My Harold, who has not left, has made gnocchi before and it was dead easy to do. The fact she can fuck it up that much is almost a skill in itself.
 
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House of Carbonara

Well done, ninny! We knew it wouldn’t work, but shame all the same. Fresh gnocchi are lovely, and really easy to make. I understand people might be given tins of potatoes, but fresh ones are not wildly expensive. 1 kg potatoes (floury if poss), 300g plain flour, 1 egg and salt will give you perfect gnocchi without wasting anything.
Loved the video.
 
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VeniVidiVicki

I laughed so much at your mashing @Slopportunity Knocks that the dog came over to see what was up.

Chapeau dear heart

On my special Jamie channel, that man made gnocchi the other day. Reader, they did not look dire
 
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Slop n slide

The speedy mashing ended me. I could FEEL your anguish. I also enjoyed the bonus round of ‘Where’s Gnocchi?TM
 
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That Forensic Man

I found this which confirms what I suspected, she had 50g pasta in the recipe but then claims to make 100g between her and SB (after being called out, mind). So if she "makes 100g and eats more than SB" implying let's say 60g per portion for Jack why was the recipe even less than this?
She refers to them as "little Jack portions".
This was in 2013 and prior to her first book A Girl Called Jack which was released in February 2014.
My mind is blown that we're here 9 years later with the exact same issue across the board, despite her being advised about this very early on.
I can understand how Jack would agree and then completely disregard it.
I can't understand how it got past the editors and so on.



 
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MavisBeacon

Increasingly I am becoming certain that Jack's whole schtick started as a way of rationalizing an eating disorder.
 
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Malkiavelli

Revolting

Ps; You guys on these threads are my favourite thing on the internet!
 
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InTheVillage

Sleepy Potatoes are in the oven!! All I can say for now is that's it's not for someone who can't do a lot of chopping, it's not economical both in terms of ingredients and energy, and finally, for those of u who have commented on small portions, I think I have what you're missing
 
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Smol Pixel

Reheated the rest of the moussaka as per Jack’s instructions because I was hungry and it seemed a shame to waste it.

I didn’t think it was possible for it to look worse but

And it still tastes like THOROUGHLY rinsed sadness.
 
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House of Carbonara

Disingenuous to say the least - a reasonable amount of dried pasta for an adult (especially if that's your main meal in the day) would be 100g. She has done and is still doing so much damage.

MavisBeacon said:
Increasingly I am becoming certain that Jack's whole schtick started as a way of rationalizing an eating disorder.
Click to expand...
Yep.
 
Reactions: 27

Nonah

Jesus. This looks like the inside of our food waste bin.
 
Reactions: 26
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