Single by Choice

[Olgivy]

@Olgivy can I ask - were you ever on the Female Dating strategy subreddit? Because those women were a balm to my soul when my life felt shitty and out of control in regards to men and your comments have so much of their spirit, and I mean that as a compliment.

No, I am not. But I am going to go look for it now! I lurk on a few, and post in one predominantly but my writing style would out me I think if I shared it. My message isn’t for everyone, but I know it reaches the hearts of those who are meant to receive it. Thank you for all the love on my post everyone.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Whenever I was in a longer term relationship I'd have a recurring dream of my partner driving off with a new preferred love and I'd be bereft in the dream. Sometimes wake up crying it was so real. Of course being rejected and abandoned is a deep fear I have to this day which is why I prefer the safety of my single state. That and really feeling more mentally stable.

 

[mousey]

I second the dating fear. I am useless socially anyway so there's that but it's also the whole who pays thing i cba with.

The only time I would want a relationship is at the weekend. I do enjoy doing everything alone but it'd be nice to have someone to do something big with. Exploring ne w places and day trips are great alone but it'd be nice to do something with someone sometimes (I don't have friends where I live, they all live far away). The other thing is it'd be nice to have someone to share my day with once I'm home from work. I like going home to the peace but it would be nice occasionally to go home and offload to someone. Then I think about having to tell someone what I'm doing or having to bend to someone else's schedule and I'm like yeah never mind. As nice as it'd be to have someone to spend the odd weekend with, the thought of having to give my weekend to spend at weddings or family parties and shit is a no lmao.

I agree with this! I live alone and do sometimes wish I have someone to offload on to, especially after a tough day and extra especially when I’ve been working from home that day and it’s just… silence. But I generally prefer that silence lol.

I do feel for my friends sometimes because when I do see them it becomes a bit of a work offload for me, but thankfully they seem to understand.

 

[Olgivy]

You've very much summed up my current feelings on men and dating.

I think there are decent men out there, but by and large they are in LTRs, because they are the decent ones who don't lie, cheat, deceive, abuse and so on - they don't do any of that relationship ending stuff.

Sure there are some exceptions, but a lot of men remain, or become single for good reason.

Men bore me too. My dad always said that the sort of men who gravitate to me are my intellectual inferior, but I'd never be happy until I met an equal. And he was right, I'm still looking. My most recent Ex was cleverer than me in some ways, but very much not in others and had a massive chip on his shoulder about all the advantages he perceived I'd had (even though I grew up in a shitty part of East London in a council house with no money, and he had a middle class upbringing in one of the most beautiful towns in the UK!). So like in every single relationship I've ever had I put myself down, bigged him up at my expense. And the self centred shitbag cheated on me anyway. And made that all my fault too.

I'm currently working with a good friend of mine who's from another organisation. We were in a meeting recently, and I realised how she cheerleads for me constantly in subtle ways, pointing out my achievements or interests to others - something my parents used to do as well when I was growing up. And it almost made me cry because of the realisation that I've always wanted a partner to cheerlead for me and they never have. I've never felt they were proud of me, wanted to share my accomplishments or big me up in front of others. Even though I did that for each and every one of them. Like you, I don't think any of my many Exs were worthy of me or my time.

This resonated with me a lot, especially the part where you suppressed your intellect and downplayed your gifts. This has been my life, my whole life. The problem though, is the way it slowly eats away at you. You realise they are getting their needs met, but you are always left hungry and deeply unsatisfied.

I recently did the Clifton strengths test—I’ve had a recent career change (highly recommend doing the test for anyone interested). It came back that my #1 and #2 strengths is high intellection and high ideation. Well, I wasn’t exactly surprised. Basically, I need a LOT of stimulation (in lots of ways) and sitting in front of the TV every night watching soaps and reality TV shows doesn’t cut it. And that’s all my ex was interested in, as well as having one dimensional conversations, packed with superficial ideas.

I thought I could deal with it. I thought that his other qualities would make up for it. Turns out those other qualities weren’t that great either.

Now, I would only have a relationship with an intellectual man, with a high degree of emotional intelligence and sensitivity. And that is a big ask, given that we are talking about the male species here.

 

[ElChanguito]

Yes Gary

 

[newtoyou]

This is not me wanting a partner (or kids for that matter!). But does anyone who lives alone get lonely? I love being alone but sometimes when I get home after work, or when I go to bed I do feel it. I know this is probably totally normal but is there anything people do to make them feel less so?

I spend all week at work with people and see people at weekends. In fact I don’t feel lonely at weekends even if I don’t. It’s just those specific times where I think about how other people come home to partners or families.

I tend to have background noise on a lot (tv or podcasts). But any things you do when you get home to an empty house?

 

[YetAnotherObsessionx]

You know what piss me off more than a man who won't settle?

A man who will drag a woman along for years and won't marry her. Yet will get into a new relationship and marry the new one within months.

I've seen this wayyyy too often with my male friends and acquaintances.

I have a friend in this situation. She is engaged to a man who was already engaged to someone else before they dated. He'd strung that other woman along for years, promising marriage and children, then dumped her to be with my friend (she fancied him but didn't do anything as he was with the other girl, and she didn't know he felt the same way about her at the time), and now he is doing the same to her. My friend isn't that bothered about having children but he talks about it as if they have all the time in the world, except she's now 40 and he is now 46. His ex is married with children now.

I'm not single myself at the moment but reading all these posts is reassuring. I miss living alone, having my own time and space. I'm not under any illusions that I've found everlasting true love, but I know I'd be OK on my own. I used to enjoy it, I might again. I know I wouldn't need another partner. I only need myself, and I love knowing that.

 

[FrostyChops]

I like doing anything home related. Gardening, diy - it's my home, l can do what l like with it. No compromise.

 

[Meringue22]

The first day to day things that I don't miss that come to mind....

1. No putting up with a stinking toilet or drips or pee on the seat or floor
2. No big baby stuff when they are ill
3. No need to coo and nod when they talk, at considerable length, about their strava/bike/run/swim etc..
4. No need to feel like you should have sex when you're not 100% keen
5. Can suit yourself with meals, holidays and house decor
6. No need to deal with in laws
7. No need to feel obliged to tidy up after them and bear the mental load of organising them and their lives

I second every single thing on this list!

 

[GeminiMoon]

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful replies to my post about being single and unable to drive. You’ve given me a lot to think about and helped me realise most of the problem is in my head! For every problem, there is a solution…

 

[peachesandcreamz]

I’ve always been reasonably happy single but this week is the first week in absolute years where I came home and thought ‘I could do with a hug’.

I think this a lot - I'm a hugger but most of my friends aren't. Had a lovely long hug with my Dad yesterday and it will tide me over for the week

 

[hehehe]

same!!! i literally have a recurring dream where i am getting married (to an unknown man, he never appears) and i keep trying to tell people that i don’t want it to happen but the plans keep going on regardless around me and i get more and more stressed. my/our subconscious is obviously trying to tell me something

Holy fuck I had this dream a few nights ago, I walked down the aisle to the groom, I was stressed out getting closer, shaking and telling myself to get out of it because the stress of kids and divorce would be 100x worse than the embarrassment of quitting now ... finally I couldn't take it anymore so I turned and ran away ... I found myself sitting outside & the groom came and sat beside me and said it's okay if you're not ready.

The groom?

Spoiler

My bloody manager!

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Remotecontrol Ugh. It's so cloying and claustrophobic. I'm so glad to be single when I think about it. I remember years ago, a woman new to my town, was complaining how she found people unfriendly and lamenting that she had no friends to speak of. I suggested something at our local theatre and straight away she asked if her husband could come too. FFS. No, stay at home & be a cling on!

 

[Venom]

Don’t get me wrong I quite like the idea of a relationship, but I’m not ashamed to admit I like my solitude and I feel like if I did get a boyfriend it would eat up my alone time if that makes sense ? Anyway, I’m really waiting for jack grealish to come on the market

"so why aren't you married/with anyone?"

You should of said “ I haven’t booked Dubai yet M’love” ( for anyone not on the brogan thread, this is what she done and chose her own ring)

 

[peachesandcreamz]

I have been single for 8 years by choice, I love my own company and freedom, but this last while I have been thinking of a guy i dated in my 20s, even to the point of having dreams about him, does this mean something?

Funny you say that because I have dreams (nightmares really!) where I'm in a relationship with an unknown man and I feel DESPERATE to get out of it and can never work out why I would choose to not be single

 

[GiftedNotFree]

But am a single woman by choice for 9 years now and it's only recently I started talking to a guy am still fully single so don't understand why it can't be posted on this as a discussion

You absolutely can post here, but I’m not sure how useful it will be. The dating thread is very active and they’ve seen every trick in the book!

 

[kendallroysdownfall]

Absolutely loved this article:

I'm 70 And I've Lived Alone My Entire Adult Life. Here's What Everyone Gets Wrong About Single People.

"For people like me who are single at heart, the risk is not what we'll miss if we do not organize our lives around a romantic partner, but what we'll miss if we do."

www.huffpost.com

It resonated so much with my own thoughts on single hood.

Thank you SO much for sharing!

"Single at Heart". What a great way to describe my life - even down to my obsession with Succession. I'm sharing this!

 

[Chocolategoggler]

I seem to threaten men without any effort. Workmen come and their equipment breaks and I fling open my big toolbox and offer them my drill and they immediately have the "I feel demeaned" look on their face.
Or I have a better car in a blokes eyes.
There's an Irish woman on You Tube. She's 4 foot 11 and looks sweet.
Then she gets out all her tools and starts doing amazing things. But she's single and I'm wondering is it because she makes men feel "shown up".

 

[mousey]

This is not me wanting a partner (or kids for that matter!). But does anyone who lives alone get lonely? I love being alone but sometimes when I get home after work, or when I go to bed I do feel it. I know this is probably totally normal but is there anything people do to make them feel less so?

I spend all week at work with people and see people at weekends. In fact I don’t feel lonely at weekends even if I don’t. It’s just those specific times where I think about how other people come home to partners or families.

I tend to have background noise on a lot (tv or podcasts). But any things you do when you get home to an empty house?

Happens occasionally to me but then I counteract that feeling with the thought of having to explain my day to someone, work out their mood, decide what to cook with them for dinner etc etc and it honestly sound exhausting

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Very true.
I too had a lovely Dad and brother, both sadly passed away.

But us singletons do not know who is a good guy when we are out and about, or walking home from the train station late at night and hearing footsteps behind us! Good men do not have it tattooed on their forehead

Indeed. And maybe I've spent too much time watching Tiktok "storytimes" but there are so many men who seem like they'd be decent but then turn out to have secret other families etc.