Single by Choice

[AshMay]

Absolutely loved this article:

I'm 70 And I've Lived Alone My Entire Adult Life. Here's What Everyone Gets Wrong About Single People.

"For people like me who are single at heart, the risk is not what we'll miss if we do not organize our lives around a romantic partner, but what we'll miss if we do."

www.huffpost.com

It resonated so much with my own thoughts on single hood.

Being single at heart means that we do not do what some people who become coupled do — demote our friends in order to prioritize a romantic partner....
We who are single at heart also have an expansive and inclusive approach toward intimacy and love.....We know that love is a great, big emotion that encompasses far more than just romantic love.

I think about this often! How much I love people in my life and want to spend time with them - and single people often aren't lonely because they have no partner, but because romantic relationships are always put on a pedestal and other relationships are demoted, which is sad. I do think the friends who seem happiest are the ones who still prioritise time with friends and time alone outside of their partners.

As time goes on, I keep changing what I'd want from a partner and now I don't think I'd want to live with a man again and my routines and hobbies and social life are important to me so they'd have to fit with that and not take priority lol

But if I’m honest with myself, I know that I am not prepared to “work for it”

This is exactly how I feel! Friends expect you to want to actively date but I'm really not arsed enough about having a man to go through all the hassle, disruption of peace, and god-awful prospects for little return! If something happens organically, great, but otherwise I don't care enough to put in any more work and waste my precious time! This really baffles people for some reason

 

[GiftedNotFree]

I've actually had the opposite experience. Everytime I tell them I don't want kids they throw a fit lol.

Urgh. I have Bumble and honestly rarely match with anyone because I won’t swipe on anyone that has “wants kids someday” ticked in their bio. What’s the point when I don’t want them!? It’s slim pickings. Another reason I rarely match with anyone is cause I’ve usually got my profile deactivated I just cannot be bothered to actually date or attempt to date. I don’t want kids or marriage and I don’t want to live with someone.

The only time I dislike being single is when I’m not invited out with “couples”. This sometimes happens in my extended friendship group - I’m closer to some of them than some others and yet I don’t get asked to certain things and it’s obvious the reason is because it’s intended to be a couples only night

 

[Boogs]

I hate to say it but it’s not just men. Dating women I have found so much manipulation and unhealthy behaviour in relationships too. I would just like to live without unnecessary drama and manipulation so will stay single unless an actual adult who is emotionally intelligent and able to take responsibility for themselves comes along.

 

[LaBlonde]

Interesting, thanks for sharing this! It’s always interesting how different groups of people can be so… different. I’d say 90% of my female married friends would be immediately looking for the next husband if they found themselves divorced or widowed. They think I’m weird for not dating or trying to meet someone. Maybe that’ll change over time though. We’re early 40s.

the majority of mine are the same (with some exceptions) - a lot of them are extremely male centered in a way that surprises and depresses me at the same time!

 

[Gym&Tonic]

You see couples like that in the supermarket and at the shops as well. I’ll never forget the time I was in Primark and there was this bloke standing there in the middle of the aisle watching a football match on his phone while his white his wife or girlfriend was rummaging through the rails. Like if you want to watch the football that much stay at home or go to the pub and let your over half go shopping on their own.

 

[BanditHealer]

Oooh what a great thread! I’ve been single by choice for 11 or so years now. Those that know me are thankfully over the “why don’t you / you need to meet someone” stage. I have a busy and fulfilling career and 2 children - I simply don’t have the time or inclination for a relationship. I really can’t see any benefit to it either, I don’t get bored, I enjoy my own company, I have my own money etc - the last thing I want to do is end up having to became some lazy man child’s chef / cleaner / domestic servant etc. I’m also totally not bothered by s*x either. As much as many women can’t relate to me I can’t relate to them and their need to be with a man no matter how crappy they are made to feel or what they have to put up with.

I've not been single for as long as you, but my feelings and reasons are the same. I have limited child free time and work full time, so I just don't see where a relationship would fit in my life. I wouldn't want to add anyone into my children's life, seeing the impact on them of their father doing that immediately after leaving (affair). I barely have time to see friends on my free weekends, so why would I want to try and date someone who is unlikely to add much value to my life?

Yes it's expensive being single, especially with the cost of living, but breaking up with someone is expensive too and I'm not taking that chance again, even when the kids have moved out. Separate finances always.

 

[Sglodion]

On the topic of friends giving up all of who they are when they're in a relationship. I've never known that happen with a man. It always seems like they carry on as normal. Same with having kids. It seems like women give up everything but men can still go to the pub twice a week, football on saturday, golf on sunday like they did when they were child free.

I have to say it's the women I judge in this scenario (unless it's a case of domestic abuse where the man is coercing her into being this way, that's different obviously). The women I know who are like this get upset when they have kids and the man still wants to go to his sports club or whatever on Saturdays because weekends are supposed to be 'family time', as though just because they've given up their whole identity to be mothers the man is somehow in the wrong for not wanting to do the same. Unless they're going out having fun all weekend and then coming home and moaning that their wife hasn't cleaned and cooked for them, IMO the men just have healthy boundaries, and women would often benefit from being more like that.

My parents were marathon runners when they were younger, and ever since I can remember both of them (separately) spent several hours a week out of the house training, often leaving me home alone once I was old enough. I can't say it ever did me any harm - the opposite if anything, I think it set a really good example of how just because you're in a relationship or nuclear family doesn't mean you have to do everything together and sacrifice all your outside interests. We did plenty of stuff together too, just not every single hour of the day. When you see the way some women are it's no wonder their kids grow up thinking the only thing that matters is getting married and having children of their own, and if they get to 35 without having done either it means their life is a complete failure.

 

[Zulkraa]

Should I ever find myself not single I think this would be me

---
Interesting article

8 traits of women who are better off staying single, according to psychology

There’s a vast difference between being single out of necessity and choosing to be single because it’s best for you. The difference boils down to understanding yourself. Staying single because of fear or past hurts is one thing, but opting for it because it aligns with your personality traits is...

geediting.com

 

[Squeakycheeks]

So he was using one hand to spread both cheeks? Or just one cheek? Why am I asking this? 🥲

Love it he’d obviously practiced the hold camera and spread position a lot. So many women in the town must see him about and think aye up, old arse spreader is out

 

[sleepflowers]

I went on a trip to NYC last month and many of my colleagues were horrified to hear I was going ALONE Who would I spend time with, eat at restaurants with, travel with? ME! I love my own company, and I got to do what I wanted, when I wanted! I tried lobster for the first time, went to some of the same shops multiple times (without annoying anyone else), got lots of uninterrupted sleep.

I went to NYC alone a year ago and had a great time too! It's so busy there no one even notices if you're alone.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Yes that's a huge bonus of being single, not having to put up with a partner's relatives.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

A friend of mine (who should be single) was having a moan about her husband when one of the other (smug) men said his wife would love it if he was at home more for them to be together. I kept a blank face as I knew his wife had a lover as he was so crap in bed but liked the lifestyle.

 

[peachesandcreamz]

Don't apologise, this isn't a duty! It's totally fine to change your mind and want something else. I hope you meet someone great for you! Best of luck with dating 🩷

Lol absolutely - I'm sorry to myself for having to deal with Hinge and Bumble!! It was much more peaceful when I was happily single the last 9 years or so.

Completely agree with everyone about choosing yourself over lowering your standards just for the sake of intimacy. The 'change' in my eyes is that I'm now actively seeking someone I suppose - rather than living life without thinking about romance.

Thanks all for your kind wishes!

 

[kendallroysdownfall]

My ex husband was so controlling I wasn't allowed contact lenses and had curfews set when I wanted to go out. Many many rules.

When my friend left a controlling and violent partner after many years, she confessed to me (much later) that when she first got her own place she literally had to think hard about what to put on TV, what to cook for tea, what clothes to wear as he chose EVERYTHING for her when they were together. I am so, so happy for you and how you must be feeling at the freedom that you are so entitled to

But does anyone who lives alone get lonely? I love being alone but sometimes when I get home after work, or when I go to bed I do feel it. I know this is probably totally normal but is there anything people do to make them feel less so?

I guess I'm lucky because I really don't. In fact even when I've been on my own for an extended period of time and then I have to see someone it can feel intrusive!

 

[Mrs Fluff]

Having to use the bathroom after them too. I just don't get how couples cope with all this!
Talking of pervy men, a friend of mine was having a chat with an apparently nice man. She couldn't believe it when he told her how fit he was, how he'd had sex last night and how sexy he found her. He's mid seventies and not a looker, quite the opposite

Thing is I'm at the stage where I'd appreciate a companion. But just not (ever) live with their snoring, bad breath etc. If bad breath was a thing I'd prefer a cat, frankly

 

[SpindleWhorl]

Coming to the realisation that i think i just want a few FWBs rather than a boyfriend. Relationships just create too much worry and anxiety/pressure for me.

 

[mediocrehouseplant]

You lot are definitely my people. I’m big into fitness so I always claim to “have to stay on track” while I’m away. I don’t really give a shit but it’s a good excuse to sod off alone for an hour because nobody wants to come

I despise fitness but may have to take it up now

 

[Quattro formaggi]

I don’t label myself but I’ve never had very strong attraction to the opposite sex (I’m not attracted to women that isn’t the issue) but since entering the perimenopause i feel virtually no attraction to anyone so that puts me off dating anyway so I don’t think I’ll be partnering up anytime soon.
Has anyone else felt like this in menopause?

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Coming to the realisation that i think i just want a few FWBs rather than a boyfriend. Relationships just create too much worry and anxiety/pressure for me.

If only FWB didn't create anxiety and pressure too. Also having to try before you buy puts your numbers up, often in exchange for terrible sex! That was my experience anyway.

 

[LaBlonde]

This is not me wanting a partner (or kids for that matter!). But does anyone who lives alone get lonely? I love being alone but sometimes when I get home after work, or when I go to bed I do feel it. I know this is probably totally normal but is there anything people do to make them feel less so?

I spend all week at work with people and see people at weekends. In fact I don’t feel lonely at weekends even if I don’t. It’s just those specific times where I think about how other people come home to partners or families.

I tend to have background noise on a lot (tv or podcasts). But any things you do when you get home to an empty house?

i get this too! pretty much the exact moment that i come through the door - especially if i’ve had a bad day at work or if i’m coming home from a trip. i remember coming back in a taxi from a holiday with a friend of mine and her partner met her at the door and was happy to see her and i had a moment of 🥹🥹 i can’t deny that coming home to someone does appeal, even if i would probably then want them to leave if they were in my house for longer than an hour.

i just try and keep busy really! i have a set routine of what i do when i get home (in terms of starting to cook my meal, tattle scroll and sit down, reading) and i find having podcasts on while i’m cooking and then just background music as i read really helps. i’m not a hugely lonely person either but i get you that it’s those small moments where i have a little tug on my heart! (and also when i’m ill),