Time for a script
.
Scene: Inside Barcelona hotel room with MacBook playing wave music to help Rachael with Barbados FOMO
Rach: “Joooooooosh, last night before I had my breakdown and posted two birthday messages to myself full of rage, I was on Tatt… umm I mean in my DMs and trolls were saying I can’t dress Jooooooooosh. Can you help me? *pulls out pea green tracksuit and Josh’s sandals.* Are these okay bubba?
Slosh: *Wakes up, has a shot of Vodka* “You are fit. Oh, they are my sandals and that tracksuit is lush, but a bit warm. Try this white dress. *Checks label, takes another shot of Vodka.* It’s River Island, so I’ll make the tag small.”
Rach: “That’s not a dress Jooooooosh. It’s more like a sheet. Look at all the material. Can’t I wear a bikini with my Vans and socks?’
Phone rings. They both stare at it in silence. Rach looks at it, see’s it’s Lula and clicks cancel.
Slosh: “My world, wear the white dress with no knickers. That will make you feel good. Wait *opens man bag and rifles through Gucci products, ticks them of his itinerary of outfits for Thursday.* I’ve got all your birthday presents, best Mum in my world. You will look like a milf.”
Rach: *starts sobbing horrifically* “NONE OF THAT IS PATCHWORK GIRLS CLUB COLOURS.”
Slosh: *opens a bottle of Gin, pours himself 1/2 a pint, picks up phone and rings Jo.* “Hi, it’s Josh. She’s doing it again. I can’t make her happy. She’s my life boss, what can I do to make it better? Can you arrange a homecoming party?”
Rach: “Who are talking TO? Is it the TROLLS? I’m
bleeping FORTY and loving it. Give me a spray tan now and I’ll pay you, tip and wear the white sheet.”
*Jo’s voice can be heard faintly in the background saying that the kids are falling apart. Rach swiftly cancels call.*
Slosh: “You won’t regret it. Astrid would agree with me.” *Starts giving Rach a list of beautiful white birds describing their natural habitat and mating rituals*
Rach: “It’s my shop not Astrid’s. All mine! I’ve changed lives. Everyone loves me. Trolls hate me because they hate themselves.” *puts on white dress seething through teeth*
Slosh: *mixes himself a Caribbean cocktail with half a bottle of Malibu* “Gucci, don’t wear your UGGs. Wear the Gucci.” *Checks watch and takes a quick picture of it.*
Rach: *under breath.* “
bleeping hate Gucci, hate Barcelona, hate easyJet, FML, everything’s
tit. Miss Em soooooo much, it hurts my heart.”
*Reception calls room phone, they both stare at it. Josh goes to answer, but Rach dives towards it shouting “It’s a kid,” and breaks phone.
Slosh: “Are you ready. Last day. I’ve got plans for us. A couple of museum tours. Selfies in the lift. Mid afternoon nap like the other pensioners. It’s all go.”
Rach: “Can we have another baby for Instagram or not? Only I have three other dads lined up and if you aren’t doing it, I need to know and update my toxic list. I’m 40. I’ll drop you in a snort.”
Slosh: *leading the way out the door* “Course we can my teeny tiny Torbay tart. As long as the team are parenting it, just remove the swimmers you need from my balls in your bag.”
Rach: *opens camera, starts recording* “AWWWWW, love you so much. I’m having the best time with you making special memories that kids don’t exist in. Awwww so cute.”
*Rach quickly messages Jo to pick up 25 pregnancy tests. Sees frantic messages from Patchwork girls saying Seb has set fire to the store. Quickly turns phone onto Aeroplane mode.*
End scene