Nicola Bulley #12

[avabella]

Us women eh? Expected to work like we don’t have kids, parent like we don’t have a job, go through multiple bodily life changes but expect it to be hidden, and somehow feel pressured into presenting picture perfect lives and picture perfect bodies. God forbid we start to struggle with any aspect of life in general, or we might end up succumbing to our own downfall the British media are absolutely abhorrent and have stamped the shit all over woman’s rights and respect. Massive massive regression right there.

 

[shadowcat5]

Us women eh? Expected to work like we don’t have kids, parent like we don’t have a job, go through multiple bodily life changes but expect it to be hidden, and somehow feel pressured into presenting picture perfect lives and picture perfect bodies. God forbid we start to struggle with any aspect of life in general, or we might end up succumbing to our own downfall the British media are absolutely abhorrent and have stamped the shit all over woman’s rights and respect. Massive massive regression right there.

Exactly this. The fall from grace has been terrifying and eye opening. It went from 'loving mother: how tragic' to 'alcoholic: well probably was on the wine for breakfast and fell in river' in about an hour. No grace or sympathy. It's disgraceful

 

[Jwren]

I feel so behind with this strand of the case so Lanc's police have asked for themselves to be investigated over how they dealt with Nicola BEFORE she disappeared, so could they have done something to prevent all this from happening at the home visit kinda thing ?View attachment 1967978

Long story, I have thought many times about posting this and haven’t but here goes, I will try and make it as short as possible.

After my divorce (we still remain great friends to this day) I was vulnerable when an ex from my teenage years contacted me, we started dating and basically he was very controlling, not from the offset, but by the end of the relationship I was unrecognisable mentally and physically. My ex-husband bless him was so worried he took me to my GP who gave AD’s and sent me for counselling, I was an absolute mess, also going through peri.
The ex partner who was controlling then started stalking me, texting me, also seen near my home which is down a dead end so it wasn’t by accident. My friends said I should report him so I did, the police came out and said he wasn’t breaking any laws (this was a while back now but I still think it was illegal to stalk) so I left it. Then I lost the plot one day and signed him up for stupid things online, including sending info on penis enlargement to his address, incredibly daft and childish I know but I’d had enough.
Next thing I have the Police at my door asking me if I was signing him up for things as he’d reported it to the police, I was so scared of being in trouble I denied it. Anyway they went to the bother of tracing it to my home and I explained I’d had enough of his behaviour and lost the plot. I was asked to sign a form stating I‘d stay away from him which I was happy to do and he had to do one too, which was all I wanted to be left alone by him. Next thing I have a woman texting me saying she’d dated him, he was an arsehole but he hadn’t stopped talking about me and she wanted to know how he treated me, all very odd. Anyway a week or so later the police ring me saying I need to stop contacting him or I’d be in serious trouble. I was still having counselling and burst into tears telling them it wasn’t me and they needed to find out who it was as I couldn’t stop something I hadn’t done. About a month later the police turn up at my home and arrest me. I’ve never been in trouble with the law in my life, not even a parking ticket. So off I go and have a police interview and they accuse me of sending all these texts to him which I hadn’t done and told them so, over and over again. My family were livid and ringing them up saying I was having counselling and they were very concerned for my MH etc. eventually that same day I’m released on bail. But as much as I felt traumatised/humiliated/embarrassed I thought at least now they will look into it thoroughly and find out who’s doing it and then know it wasn’t me.
A few weeks later a letter came through saying case was dropped but basically saying if I did it again I’d be in serious trouble. I was mortified, I hadn’t been cleared and I didn’t see it ever stopping, as well as still struggling with depression. So in the early hours with my girls in bed I thought I‘d take myself to a nearby railway line, as I couldn’t see any other way out of it, after all this is the police were talking about who have such power. As I was getting ready to leave I burst into tears, thinking how my heart broke and never recovered when my brother died when I was a child and I couldn’t do it to my girls, they are my absolute world, so I called a MH service who came out and sat with me. After they‘d gone I couldn‘t trust myself, so I booked somewhere to stay with our dog and my girls and we disappeared. I’m not sure who contacted the police but next thing they were trying to find me out of concern that I could harm myself. They rang my mobile asking me to just show myself at a nearby police station, I refused as I was terrified and didn’t trust them. Eventually a police woman higher up in the rank contacted me and I said I want this looked into to find out who is doing this otherwise I’m never going home and it was then that she told me they couldn’t, because my ex had gone into to different police stations each time only ever with screenshots of the messages, so they only had them to go on. She apologised and was shocked I’d been arrested on no hard evidence. After that he was then visited by them and told if he ever went to them again without handing over his phone to get proof he would be in serious trouble.
I could have taken my life over that and what is so upsetting the police officers who came out to my home never contacted my counsellor, or GP, even though they’d asked for that info to verify all he had done to me. To this day I don’t know if the woman who dated him and contacted me tried to set me up, or if he did it still trying to have control over my life.
So this case with NB and the previous police visit, although for a different reasons has really struck a cord with me and it breaks my heart to think she could also have been so stressed about the police incident and it tipped her over the edge.
As much as I still feel ashamed of myself for being arrested, I thought it important to share in case anyone else found themselves in a situation where they felt embarrassed/humiliated/ashamed and couldn’t face life, to let them know you’re not alone and things do get better.
I was also referred to the woman’s refuge for advice and they were wonderful, they weren’t surprised by my story and said they had many similar in regards to policeman not believing women and look what’s come out about how female police are treated in the force by some of the men.
So sorry for the long winded post.

Edit Just wanted to add this is not an attack on All, or Lancs Police because as many will know on this thread I’ve defended them, as I know not all police are the same. Although I do disagree with them making NB’s struggles with alcohol public knowledge.

 

[EllaBella89]

Exactly this. The fall from grace has been terrifying and eye opening. It went from 'loving mother: how tragic' to 'alcoholic: well probably was on the wine for breakfast and fell in river' in about an hour. No grace or sympathy. It's disgraceful

Misogyny. As long as women are “perfect”, look after their families with a smile on their face, no complaining, put on a perfect front on social media - then all is well. The second a woman stumbles, has some problems - Crazy! Alcoholic! Oh and we’ve now been reduced to a bodily function with various articles and places calling us menstruators instead of female or a woman (not every woman has periods, or has a womb btw, hysterectomy is a thing and so is the menopause) I just feel like as @avabella said, it’s a massive step back. The amount of women suffering abuse & getting murdered is at an all time high too.
Feel quite sad about it all

 

[Bobby Orange]

Really don't like this menopausal alcoholic mentally unstable narrative they're pushing. Like she's some sort of crazy lady. She could be suffering with all that and more and still have been abducted. Perpetrators don't discriminate. Easy to assume someone might act a certain way because they have issues to deal with. One of many many possibilities.

 

[Jwren]

I see the media is scaremongering with the menopause now. Having worked in adult mental health services for my entire career, yes we do see people with menopausal symptoms but it's rare that these are very severe. This is going to lead to mass hysteria and fear amongst some women. Services have developed menopause-specific pathways, trained and appointed menopause specialists and created menopause groups. There is help out there. Nicola's menopause may be a aggrevating factor but we don't know if she had other predisposing difficulties.

It's not fair putting the fear of God into women. Yes it may be difficult, it may not. Let's not assume this case is typical.

I‘m sorry but I do think you should stop trying to sell yourself as an adult mental health expert, it’s concerning, especially with some of the comments and accusations you’ve made on these threads. It’s also not about scaremongering it‘s about being honest. If anything you’re trying to belittle menopause concerns saying it’s rare symptoms are severe, making it more difficult for women to speak out. Many women suffer from insomnia/sleep deprivation, that in itself is severe for many, as it makes it difficult to function. As for ‘menopause specialists’ lucky you if you’ve managed to find one, the reality is it’s not as easy as you imply and I’m a little surprised in your line of work you don’t know that. I have had to do a lot of research myself (much science based) online and with the help of a male GP to find a better way through the menopause as I was told to avoid HRT, which thankfully has made a big difference but I was really struggling to cope.

Edit And it’s important for women to know even if their symptoms are severe they can be much improved.

 

[BigMavis]

I still don't know what to think. Have calmed down a little over the menopause and alcohol issues but I want an even playing field going forward. I'd like to know MWTs and Fauldings sperm count and fertility status, how much they drink and if they're taking the little blue pills. Fair?

 

[Moderator]

All, stop arguing. you'll get banned from this thread. Scroll on & ignore.

Mods don't have time to deal with all the disruption that's coming from just this one thread.

 

[InTheDollsHouse]

Update 16/2/23
Please read the Wiki for all updates prior to 15/2/23 - this will be updated to include yesterday's recap

Following the press conference and statement yesterday from Lancashire Police, Nicola's family have today released a family statement

Please keep Nicola's family in mind with your posts. Nicola's two daughters are at the heart of this, and will one day be old enough to read these pages.

The support and respect within these threads between posters, and towards those sharing personal lived-experiences has been second to none. Thank you all.

 

[InTheDollsHouse]

Read up on what you can so you’re prepared. Hopefully it will be a breeze for you.

I would recommend Meg Matthews book 'Meg's Menopause' to anyone, it’s full of useful info but her supplements didn’t work for me.

ITDH - Do you think we could have a bit in the signposting bit Wiki for for others? Happy to help although I don’t know how to do wikis and THANK YOU for the threads

Yes absolutely. I’d eventually like to add sections on
Peri Menopause
Menopause
Alcohol use - personal and family support
Mental health support
Missing persons

If others are in agreement?
And of course anything else deemed appropriate

I have littlest at home now until Tuesday but I will definitely be able to get it done properly next week.

I think regardless of what happens with the search for Nicola, the wiki can remain as a source of info for anyone who needs it x

 

[DellaC]

Nicola's thread has over 11,000 posts.

The amount we've shared with each other is absolutely astounding. We've opened up about our health, our life's and most importantly our Mental Health.

We haven't always agreed with each other and that's fine, it's life but bloody hell fire some good is coming out of this.

Mental health is so important, let's always talk about it to each other, to our friends and to our families. Each and every one of us can experience a decline in our Mental Health and if you don't, you're so very blessed.

That's the end of my sermon

Amen

 

[BigMavis]

Can we all agree Paul is a creep?

 

[Toffeebythesea]

I am similar age too and also have a long term non-husband and kids.

If I found this stuff on Mr Kat’s social media, I would be totally messed up. I would probably drink heavily at first and then eventually say f this and leave.

I actually can’t believe it’s public. Men are dopes but this is a bit too seedy to pass off as ok. Bleugh.

I'm gonna totally out myself here.


I did find that Mr Toffee followed some very similiar accounts on Instagram last year. I kicked him out and told him I didn't know if we had a future. Yes you may think that's dramatic but that's how strongly I felt about it.

It's taken a LOT of time and healing for us to move forward but it totally messed with my head. As I said to him, if we didn't have children together I probably would have ended the relationship.

Not meaning to derail or looking for sympathy, I know some people may think that's too dramatic or some people may think I'm a push over. That's ok. Believe me it's not been easy. I know it's just social media but it really does effect you and your confidence.

He said he "just didn't think". maybe that's Paul's reasoning too. Either way IMO it's disrespectful.

 

[EllaBella89]

Isn't she a guest on GB News? Doesn't that tell you the kind of person she is right there? 90 percent of the people they have on have personality disorders. One or two are ok ... usually the established 'faces' who have an actual talent for something, but non-entities like this James woman they wheel-on are deranged in some way. I wouldn't pay her any mind. Rant over.

Not everyone with a personality disorder is deranged, a lot of us work very hard every single day of our lives to get help and go through therapy which is upsetting and draining - and let me tell you, it’s absolutely exhausting to be fixing something that’s sometimes a result of an abusive childhood (like in my case)
The stigma is also exhausting to deal with, so I keep it hidden IRL from most people, for fear of people prejudging me and assuming I’m the devil incarnate because of their preconceptions about it. Perhaps because they’ve known someone with bpd or npd that’s made their life a living hell. Not everyone is the same

 

[ChineseAlan]

I feel for Nicola. I’m 43, 44 this year and I started with cycle changes a year ago, they started coming earlier every 24-26 days with some normal day 29 cycles thrown in. They used to be days 29-32. With that came irritability and I’m usually such a calm person. My poor husband, I’d complain about everything he did or didn’t do, I’d be emotional, sleep issues, anxiety, hair loss… then in December last year my period came on day 20/21 and I freaked out. In January it came day 35, then this month day 26 but it spotted for a few days before it properly kicked in and my anxiety went haywire. It’s all caused me horrific anxiety, I hate the uncertainty and my health anxiety tells me it’s not normal to get periods on day 20/21, I’m too young at 43 to be peri so it can’t be that, blah blah. My anxiety has been hellish, it’s been a horrible time.

I lost a close friend 2 years ago. She was going through early menopause at 40, she was on HRT but her GP took her off it and her mental health went into crisis. She was drinking excessively and had to stop working. She then went into rehab after an attempt. Her marriage ended and she was broken. She got off the alcohol but then out of the blue overdosed on a drug, and she died. Gone at 41, the menopause destroyed her and her doctors didn’t help, other than throw antidepressants at her when they withdrew her HRT. She used to ring me crying about how awful she felt. I’ll never forget her last message to me saying ‘I’m just doing ok. I love you sweetheart’. I’ll always live with regret I didn’t do more.

Now I’m going through changes it’s causing me great anxiety to the point I’m anxious leaving my house at certain times of the month. I hate all the change and uncertainty, my health anxiety is wild. I quit drinking 10 years ago as I used to drink after a trauma but quit as I could see I was using it as a crutch. I can see why women going through all these changes and anxiety, turn to alcohol to help cope with how they’re feeling.

My heart goes out to Nicola and her family. I hope they find her and can get some closure. More awareness around peri menopause needs to be brought into the light, women suffer in silence and are fobbed off if they’re under 45, even if under 50 by some doctors.

 

[And_that's_okay!]

I see the media is scaremongering with the menopause now. Having worked in adult mental health services for my entire career, yes we do see people with menopausal symptoms but it's rare that these are very severe. This is going to lead to mass hysteria and fear amongst some women. Services have developed menopause-specific pathways, trained and appointed menopause specialists and created menopause groups. There is help out there. Nicola's menopause may be a aggrevating factor but we don't know if she had other predisposing difficulties.

It's not fair putting the fear of God into women. Yes it may be difficult, it may not. Let's not assume this case is typical.

 

[Hannah_204]

Why are men so grose, honestly women pinterests are all outfits, home decore, new hairstyle men’s are big bouncy tits???
Imagine if ours were all big tight balls sacks

 

[InTheDollsHouse]

I know right? When you put it like that, it really is COMPLETELY ridiculous that this has been splashed everywhere. I am so mad for her, and this whole situation - a treasured mummy, sister, partner and friend reduced to a bumbling, menopausal drunk.

I want her to come and read tattle where (for the most part) she absolutely has not been reduced to that AT ALL. Here, Nicola has been met with an outpouring of empathy, kindness, similar experiences, and understanding.

It’s times like this that I’m PROUD to be a tattler.

 

[Snoopylouwho]

Significant alcohol problem.

I have a significant alcohol problem when i go out and let me tell you, there is ring doorbell footage of me that i wouldn't want the world to see and my friends have lots of photos of me looking bleary eyed with drink in hand.

I too could be portrayed like NB is being! I am also struggling with menopause

However, in addition to this i have a successful career, i am a loving wife and mum.

The latter doesn't make as good a news story though does it.

 

[coconochanel]

Paul wasn't 'lying' he was protecting his GF from the shitstorm that has now erupted and made alcohol and menopause the main focus when it should be about FINDING HER!