New Baby & Post Birth Off Topic

[WeHadFunRight]

So sorry so many of you are having KW problems I think we are the generation of women brought up being told we can have it all, yet the men weren't brought up being told what they need to do to help us have it all. So we are expected to go to uni, get a well paying job but also have kids and do all the work that goes alongside that as if we don't need help.

Mr Breakfast is good, I really think being in lockdown with our eldest helped him be more hands on and realise what my days were actually like. He even said he feels bad this time round like he doesn't spend as much time with baby breakfast because he's in the office now and he misses her. I don't know if it helps but he was brought up by a single mum with 4 kids and she made them very independent through necessity, but also his dad had them every weekend by himself so he saw his dad be more hands on than my dad ever was. My mum even said my dad would never do bedtime when I was little because he didn't have the patience and she's amazed how much Mr Breakfast does. (Edited to add - Just realised this sounds like a brag but it annoys me when dads get praise for doing the bare minimum of parenting that us mums do all the time and get taken for granted! You never hear a mum being called a 'hands on mum')

OMG the bloody pats on the back men get for doing the bare minimum! Spare me! “Oh look! He’s pushing the pram, isn’t he just amazing?!”

🫠 yes Linda 🫠 the best 🫠

 

[themuffinwoman]

Sorry but why is he acting like he’s doing you a favour to look after his own child?

these bleeping men!

Would your work pay for an overnight nanny?

Nah, my saint of a mum will have her. She doesn’t mind but she’s not the one who’s responsible for her. Also don’t get why he doesn’t get that I’m feeling emotional so talking about things nicely would be appreciated instead of deciding which bits of a parent he chooses to be today.

urgh I’m just so full of resentment I can’t even deal.

anyway, MM didn’t cry or poop when I dropped her off so I’m having a toastie and some cake in the garden centre. Hope everyone is being kind to themselves.

 

[opintionatedperson]

OMG the bloody pats on the back men get for doing the bare minimum! Spare me! “Oh look! He’s pushing the pram, isn’t he just amazing?!”

🫠 yes Linda 🫠 the best 🫠

Yep walking around the village a lot of strangers come up and talk to him. Went myself yesterday on my own and nobody spoke to me. It's a man's world

 

[Tifastrife]

If your baby is a toad and fights their last nap, do you just give up after a certain point and move bedtime slightly earlier? Or stick to your usual routine?
He didn’t nap Monday either which resulted in a really crap nights sleep. I can’t do this much longer I keep thinking I’m going to have to cry it out which I really don’t know want to but I seriously, seriously cannot take this lack of sleep much longer or I’m going to snap.

 

[WeHadFunRight]

I give up afte

If your baby is a toad and fights their last nap, do you just give up after a certain point and move bedtime slightly earlier? Or stick to your usual routine?
He didn’t nap Monday either which resulted in a really crap nights sleep. I can’t do this much longer I keep thinking I’m going to have to cry it out which I really don’t know want to but I seriously, seriously cannot take this lack of sleep much longer or I’m going to snap.

I give it about 30 minutes and see what the rest of the day brings. I think @loveanatter said much the same previously and it’s stuck with me

 

[themuffinwoman]

She wasn’t great at nursery, very up and down so she’s doing an extra hour on Friday. It really really breaks my heart she’s getting so upset. I feel like I should have prepared her to be without me more.

 

[Tifastrife]

She wasn’t great at nursery, very up and down so she’s doing an extra hour on Friday. It really really breaks my heart she’s getting so upset. I feel like I should have prepared her to be without me more.

Please don’t beat yourself up this is so normal. Plus when you don’t have that much help around, it’s not always an option to “prepare” them. Even if she had say, been going to grandparents regularly without you, it’s still different to going into a nursery with “strangers” for the first few weeks. This is normal and it will get better. I bet in a couple weeks time it will all look very different. This isn’t your fault you’ve done nothing wrong

 

[Nosysamsie]

OMG the bloody pats on the back men get for doing the bare minimum! Spare me! “Oh look! He’s pushing the pram, isn’t he just amazing?!”

🫠 yes Linda 🫠 the best 🫠

And what's worse is men just lap it up!!

She wasn’t great at nursery, very up and down so she’s doing an extra hour on Friday. It really really breaks my heart she’s getting so upset. I feel like I should have prepared her to be without me more.

Don't beat yourselves up. It's a change in routine and environment with new faces. She'll get used to it eventually, but like anything it just takes time.
If it helps my little one hadn't been apart from me other than one evening since she was born, so going to nursery and being around new people was a huge change for her. I felt the same about should I have prepared her more, but my sister, who works in a nursery, was saying it makes zero difference. Some kids just enjoy it more, some kids it takes time.

Also mum guilt is the worst! I often wonder if men get the same guilt

 

[Tifastrife]

I give up afte

I give it about 30 minutes and see what the rest of the day brings. I think @loveanatter said much the same previously and it’s stuck with me

Yeh so usually he would nap until about 3.30, I gave him until 4 and he was just getting more and more frustrated. He doesn’t seem tired but I’m not sure if we’re just in overtired territory now lol. He’s standing at the window yelling at the neighbours dog

 

[kayefeluu20]

Feeling like the worst mum ever - we went on a trip to see my coworkers in a town closeish to mine but 1 hr 20 on public transport. She had a great time on the bus & whilst we were out, but was coughing quite a bit more than last few days (she's got a runny nose & a cough but she was wrapped up and we were only outside for about 40 mins total). Due to an accident on a main road we missed our bus home so MIL came to get us. She slept for a bit in the car but mostly cried and now she's mega unsettled at home and I have a headache 🫠🥲

Basically please reassure me that 40 mins outside won't make her cold worse and she'll be okay I'm feeling terrible for taking her out but she hadn't been out since Monday morning!

 

[loveanatter]

Feeling like the worst mum ever - we went on a trip to see my coworkers in a town closeish to mine but 1 hr 20 on public transport. She had a great time on the bus & whilst we were out, but was coughing quite a bit more than last few days (she's got a runny nose & a cough but she was wrapped up and we were only outside for about 40 mins total). Due to an accident on a main road we missed our bus home so MIL came to get us. She slept for a bit in the car but mostly cried and now she's mega unsettled at home and I have a headache 🫠🥲

Basically please reassure me that 40 mins outside won't make her cold worse and she'll be okay I'm feeling terrible for taking her out but she hadn't been out since Monday morning!

I always think fresh air is a good thing!

 

[kayefeluu20]

I always think fresh air is a good thing!

I'm basically worried because she was coughing more, but she's not had a temp or anything and isn't off her milk or unusually grumpy. She doesn't sound any more congested. I think fresh air is good, too! I think I'm just conflating her being overtired with her being ill and panicking.

 

[WeHadFunRight]

She wasn’t great at nursery, very up and down so she’s doing an extra hour on Friday. It really really breaks my heart she’s getting so upset. I feel like I should have prepared her to be without me more.

TF really struggled (remember the helpful messages I got from nursery telling me she’s sad?!) she bloody loves it now - she will get there. She’d never been away from me apart from a random couple of hours when she was 3 months old so don’t worry - MM will adapt!

 

[themuffinwoman]

Thank you @Tifastrife @Nosysamsie @WeHadFunRight I just hate the thought of her being so upset. She’s only going one day a week until September and they said it might take her longer to settle (not sure if they’re trying to get me to increase her days earlier but that’s my suspicious side talking) so I’ve said for a few weeks I’m happy to add on half days if it helps her settle. It’s such a bad week generally given her teeth as she’s so upset even at home.
also making me feel a bit crap is my mum. She’s so so amazing and supportive but don’t think she’s really on board with nursery. Think she thinks she’s too young and 7:30-5 is a “very long day”, like she’s off working down the mines. She’s not exactly been reassuring and I get a lot of comfort from her so I feel a bit like I’m navigating this alone and like I’m forcing MM to go somewhere she’s upset by (my mum didn’t leave me ANYWHERE until I went to school at 4 and I had an awful time of it because I wasn’t used to being away from her so I’m hopingMM will adapt earlier).
Sorry for the rant, sometimes I feel I should preface my posts with “dear diary”.

my mental health referral has come through at least, earlier than they said.

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

Thank you for the replies and sorry for going AWOL after my rant - busy day!! Baby ended up having a 25 minute nap and then I dragged us out - the lady behind the till at Asda was so helpful and packed my bag because I was carrying baby bandit I took him for a little drive afterwards because I couldn't face going home to more of the same stress, and when I turned the music up he calmed down and just chilled out watching other cars, and then sat straining for a poo when I pulled over to look at some horses my husband got home in time and ushered me off to eat my lunch before shutting myself upstairs for my meeting (luckily I could have my camera off because sat on my bed looking like the undead isn't a professional vibe ). The meeting finished early but my husband said he was doing ok and to stay working, so I did until 5pm and had a lovely time reading updates and contacting a few people - switching off and remembering how to be an intelligent, capable person was amazing and then this evening during weaning baby bandit ate some mushed up toast for the first time and then picked up a strip of toast and offered it to me before putting it to his own mouth for the first time oh and my dad's home and doing well! So, a busy emotional rollercoaster of a day bit currently going ok and my husband has been really helpful since coming home.

@themuffinwoman That's so awful, I'm so sorry what do his siblings think about his lack of input, or are the males on that side of the family the same? Men absolutely try to use lack of experience as a get out clause whereas we just...learn?! Could you tell him that on a set night this weekend/next week he can do all the overnight childcare as practice so he can learn without being alone? You do so so much and I'm so sorry he can't even do the bare minimum how's MM this evening? I hope her gums are less sore and she settled ok, and I hope you get time to relax. And don't beat yourself up, nursery will always be a huge adjustment regardless of how many people they've been exposed to before - there's nothing more you could have done, you're an amazing mum

Just seen your post - so pleased about your MH referral, and so sorry that your mum isn't being supportive about nursery. Children having their own space and independence is so important, and as long as it's handled sensitively when they're struggling it'll be hugely beneficial in the long run. Don't doubt yourself, you're making good choices and we've all got your back

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Thank you @Tifastrife @Nosysamsie @WeHadFunRight I just hate the thought of her being so upset. She’s only going one day a week until September and they said it might take her longer to settle (not sure if they’re trying to get me to increase her days earlier but that’s my suspicious side talking) so I’ve said for a few weeks I’m happy to add on half days if it helps her settle. It’s such a bad week generally given her teeth as she’s so upset even at home.
also making me feel a bit crap is my mum. She’s so so amazing and supportive but don’t think she’s really on board with nursery. Think she thinks she’s too young and 7:30-5 is a “very long day”, like she’s off working down the mines. She’s not exactly been reassuring and I get a lot of comfort from her so I feel a bit like I’m navigating this alone and like I’m forcing MM to go somewhere she’s upset by (my mum didn’t leave me ANYWHERE until I went to school at 4 and I had an awful time of it because I wasn’t used to being away from her so I’m hopingMM will adapt earlier).
Sorry for the rant, sometimes I feel I should preface my posts with “dear diary”.

my mental health referral has come through at least, earlier than they said.

It does take them a bit longer to adjust if it’s just one day - that’s quite a commonly accepted view, so you might just have to prepare for it taking a bit longer than usual. And yes lol it’s a long day but what the hell are you meant to do?! You’re doing your best, she will have lots of care and cuddles and bundles of fun at nursery.

I’m sorry your mum isn’t really helping, on the flip side my mum often says to me she wishes she’d done it differently when we were younger (and like you I was never away from her until 4 but conversely I was absolutely fine - weirdly fine actually - adjusting to school so I think it depends on the child ultimately.)

 

[WeepingCassandra]

I think it's so so tricky with nursery - I kinda see your mums point @themuffinwoman because I am very much a part time worker, I need my time off and wouldn't expect myself to do the same thing every day minus weekends for the whole year. I know her point is more about hours but if I'm honest this is what annoys me about the whole 52 weeks a year policy that almost all nurseries have - we wouldn't have him in 5 days a week all year anyway even if we were in a position to do it - but why do we treat it as normal as a society (or at least have the option!) to send a baby to nursery from 7:30am to 6pm 5 days a week all year round when adults and school age kids don't? BUT you've got to do what's right for the two of you, and sending her one day a week isn't a detriment to her, she's going to be in a new exciting environment and will grow so much from it.

TBH I'm just salty I have to pay all year round when we'll take him on holiday and stuff XD

Equally, if she stays home with you and you do lots of fun activities and groups with her, she'll learn and grow there.

 

[Nosysamsie]

Thank you @Tifastrife @Nosysamsie @WeHadFunRight I just hate the thought of her being so upset. She’s only going one day a week until September and they said it might take her longer to settle (not sure if they’re trying to get me to increase her days earlier but that’s my suspicious side talking) so I’ve said for a few weeks I’m happy to add on half days if it helps her settle. It’s such a bad week generally given her teeth as she’s so upset even at home.
also making me feel a bit crap is my mum. She’s so so amazing and supportive but don’t think she’s really on board with nursery. Think she thinks she’s too young and 7:30-5 is a “very long day”, like she’s off working down the mines. She’s not exactly been reassuring and I get a lot of comfort from her so I feel a bit like I’m navigating this alone and like I’m forcing MM to go somewhere she’s upset by (my mum didn’t leave me ANYWHERE until I went to school at 4 and I had an awful time of it because I wasn’t used to being away from her so I’m hopingMM will adapt earlier).
Sorry for the rant, sometimes I feel I should preface my posts with “dear diary”.

my mental health referral has come through at least, earlier than they said.

I get the difficulty in parents not being on board. My in laws spent months telling me she's too young, she needs to be with family, I should consider whether I need to work.
As it turns out they had it in their heads that they'd have her on a regular basis and had told their friends that, so my MIL looks like a twit (oh well not my doing).
My advise for it is ignore it. Be proud of the decision your making for your family. Noone else can understand it & let's be honest, we don't need to justify our reasons to our parents/in-laws.

 

[themuffinwoman]

Gonna reply mentioning everyone because it would be a mega post if I quoted then added my individual replies

@Pontiac_Bandit really glad you felt good doing your KIT day and your husband has been helpful. Have you got more KIT days planned? Go baby bandit and his toast!!! Toast is such a fab medium for so many other foods too so it’s great he jammed it in can you see your dad this weekend?
random acts of kindness from strangers are so touching, especially mums who have been through It and just know that even by packing your bag at the supermarket it makes the day slightly easier.

the men are the same I think in terms of how helpful they are, although he’s more of a dick about it than his very softly spoken and sweet BIL… difference is none of his family are around to pick up his slack which is what would happen in his country, so the strain of men being relatively useless isn’t felt AS much, or frowned upon as much, although I think it’s slowly changing. To his (incredibly minor) credit he did try for an hour at 2am last night to get her back to sleep, but she just cried for an hour and lunged towards the door until I went in and she immediately chilled out in my arms. I’m hoping when he spends the days with her it’ll give him more confidence/fewer excuses because I won’t always be there. He’s actually really good with her when I’m not there I’m just a huge safety blanket for his weaponised incompetence.
Thank you for being so lovely she actually ate the most she’s eaten in days for dinner with the pizza I made and some yogurt, then fell asleep just before 7. She was knackered bless her. Hope baby bandit gives you a good night.

@WeHadFunRight you’re right, it does very much depend on the child from what I’ve read. She’s a bit of a sensitive soul (takes after me clearly) so I thought this would always be tough. Just catastrophising in my head oh what if this knocks her and she gets stressed out etc but I need to chill and take it one day at a time.

@WeepingCassandra ah my beef is with lack of flexibility I understand this would be a nightmare but I would love to just say on the Friday “right she needs to go 1/2/3 days next week” because my work schedule varies so wildly with what I’m doing. Some days I could pick/drop her with school hours but others she would need to do 7-5:30. I think my mum’s issue is that she hasn’t experienced being a working mum and that yeah, I don’t start work till 9, but I need the mental space (and maybe an hour to walk the dogs before a hectic day) because I have a demanding job.

This is so true

 

[fudgebox]

I actually think the younger the better and that’s what everyone has told me too! Baby fudge is 4 months old so he’ll go with anyone at the moment so now he’s in nursery he just won’t know any different when he’s older and more aware
My friends son started when he was 2 and was an absolute nightmare and still is, she can’t drop him off her partner has to otherwise he won’t go in! So don’t listen to people saying they’re too young!