New baby and post birth advice #37 The only way to eat porridge is to tip it in the bin

[Definitelyme]

This isn't really specifically baby related but wondered if you helpful mums have any advice please.
I'm verging on leaving my partner because I'm just so unhappy. I've walked out 3 times in the last couple of weeks alone because it's just been too much for me.

It's really hard to say why I feel like this as on the face of it all the reasons I give for why I'm unhappy are minor. But I think I'm at the point of having so much built up anger and resentment towards him that I can't see a way through. Every time we get to this breaking point he says we need to try harder, but I don't know what we are supposed to do.

I think a lot of it has to do with the "mental load" of having to be the primary carer for the baby (and dog) and running the household. But some of the bigger "chores" like cooking and laundry I actually somewhat enjoy doing as it gives me headspace. Also I'm a total perfectionist so I really struggle when things aren't done the way I would do them (I realise this is my problem not something he is doing wrong).

The resentment partly comes from how much I feel I have given up for us. I sold my house last year and moved into his, in a fairly rural location and into a house that needed a fair bit of work doing to it. I moved here on the promise that the work would get done and we'd find somewhere together. It took over a year to get the work finished and then I still had to push him to get the house on the market. Now the house is sold and we are struggling to find somewhere to move to (not helped by interfering in-laws). So we face having to rent somewhere and moving house twice, which scares the life out of me. With how our relationship is I'm really hesitant to go through with all this and feel like it would be easier to have a clean break now and I can find another home for me and baby.

This obviously isn't an easy option as it's me that has to start again with a house etc, but I just don't know what else to do. I think the only reason he wants us to keep trying is so we are a family for our baby but I don't think it's fair to sacrifice my happiness for that, or maybe I'm just being selfish.

Sorry for all the waffle. I guess I'm just asking if anyone has any advice for getting over anger and resentment with a partner?

I am so sorry things are so rubbish right now. I think it’s true to say a lot of us have experienced the same sort of feelings, and feeling alone and undervalued is just so hard to deal with on a daily basis. It wears you down. It isn’t always big things, but rather death by a thousand paper cuts.

I think the thing you need to think on is whether this is a “for now” problem, something that is wrong because of the current situation, or whether it’s symptomatic of problems in the relationship as a whole. In 5 years when baby is bigger, and the demands on you aren’t quite as all encompassing as they are now, do you think you and your partner will still be happy together?

Many years ago I struggled to see how my marriage could continue. I felt like you do now. It was a really rough time, and I don’t even remember what happened to change it. But for me it was a “at the time” problem. I was overworked, overwhelmed, exhausted and not getting the help I needed. I also struggle with perfectionism, and the overwhelm that brings to me, and sometimes I understand my husband can “do no right” even if he helps out. But at the end of the day, our relationship was strained because of the season of life we were in, and when that passed, so did the strain.

Sorry, that’s probably not much helpx

 

[miss_americana]

On our way to A and E as Gp wants her checked over. I feel like a terrible mum as I sent her into nursery this morning and yesterday. But she was fine this morning and her cough had gone, now it seems to have come on again and she’s gone downhill fast.

 

[Kaylarina]

That’s not a bad idea actually! We got a fairly cheap mattress and she’s way more comfy on ours so I think changing the mattress is a great shout! Plus if you end up sleeping in her cot at least you’ll have a comfy mattress in there!

We got E a good mattress for this point. My husband has found me asleep in her cot a few times now!

 

[Borntorun]

This isn't really specifically baby related but wondered if you helpful mums have any advice please.
I'm verging on leaving my partner because I'm just so unhappy. I've walked out 3 times in the last couple of weeks alone because it's just been too much for me.

It's really hard to say why I feel like this as on the face of it all the reasons I give for why I'm unhappy are minor. But I think I'm at the point of having so much built up anger and resentment towards him that I can't see a way through. Every time we get to this breaking point he says we need to try harder, but I don't know what we are supposed to do.

I think a lot of it has to do with the "mental load" of having to be the primary carer for the baby (and dog) and running the household. But some of the bigger "chores" like cooking and laundry I actually somewhat enjoy doing as it gives me headspace. Also I'm a total perfectionist so I really struggle when things aren't done the way I would do them (I realise this is my problem not something he is doing wrong).

The resentment partly comes from how much I feel I have given up for us. I sold my house last year and moved into his, in a fairly rural location and into a house that needed a fair bit of work doing to it. I moved here on the promise that the work would get done and we'd find somewhere together. It took over a year to get the work finished and then I still had to push him to get the house on the market. Now the house is sold and we are struggling to find somewhere to move to (not helped by interfering in-laws). So we face having to rent somewhere and moving house twice, which scares the life out of me. With how our relationship is I'm really hesitant to go through with all this and feel like it would be easier to have a clean break now and I can find another home for me and baby.

This obviously isn't an easy option as it's me that has to start again with a house etc, but I just don't know what else to do. I think the only reason he wants us to keep trying is so we are a family for our baby but I don't think it's fair to sacrifice my happiness for that, or maybe I'm just being selfish.

Sorry for all the waffle. I guess I'm just asking if anyone has any advice for getting over anger and resentment with a partner?

I have said before, I think it’s impossible to get through the first year of having a baby without thinking you want to walk out at least once. But you need to work out whether this is a just now problem or a long term thing. Before baby arrived, did you feel like this then or did it feel more like a partnership? When you’re back work and baby is in childcare do you think this will help you feel like you’re getting some space and it might help you feel calmer to get away from baby (even if it’s not a break). It’s impossible to say what the right thing to do is, and it’s very difficult to make big decisions when you’re tired and burnt out. But sending you a big hug

Sorry… I have questions…
what kind of special reinforced cots are you sleeping in? Are you all professional contortionists? I’m 5ft 6 and a size 16-18 and I feel like her cot would crumble underneath me, and that’s after I’ve tied myself up like a pretzel to fit in it

We’ve got one that then converts to a toddler bed. But my husband has curled up in it once and it held his weight fine (he then complained it was the most uncomfortable he’d ever been and then never did it again!)

 

[I’mThankyou_]

Sorry… I have questions…
what kind of special reinforced cots are you sleeping in? Are you all professional contortionists? I’m 5ft 6 and a size 16-18 and I feel like her cot would crumble underneath me, and that’s after I’ve tied myself up like a pretzel to fit in it

I've not slept in the twins cots yet (but they don't sleep long enough to allow it) but when I turned the 9yos cot into a toddler bed I got in there on occasion to try and tempt him to sleep and it held me fine.
I often stand in T1s cot to reach onto a shelf and it's not creaked yet
The cot beds handle it quite well

We got E a good mattress for this point. My husband has found me asleep in her cot a few times now!

Does E sleep well with the mattress? Do you?
Could I be onto a winner here? Do I need to fork our another £90 for Twin 1?

 

[Spillit2356]

I hope you all don't mind me jumping on the thread........I was on the pregnancy one just before baby was born (almost 10 months ago ) and then I just dropped off the face of the earth!
It's been a long 10 months. 3rd baby but first breastfed baby, she refused a bottle (still does), I'm back to work 3 days a week so shes on solids through the day and just feeds all night long , doesn't nap for more than 30 mins and I'm just wrecked tired..........please tell me I'm not alone and someone has a magic remedy???

 

[ChattyMammy]

Sorry to bring grossness to the thread but wondering if anyone‘s had any experience of third degree tears after birth and recovery? Mainly to do with bowel incontinence and also poo coming out of my vagina

After the birth (3 weeks ago) they obviously recommended I go into theatre to be stitched up as I’d tore quite badly down to my bum and if I didn’t then there would be the risk of poo coming out of my vagina, so obviously I’m going to go for the surgery anyway but it’s become obvious that this is happening anyway. I also cannot hold a poo at all, so in a nutshell at soft play today as I’m trying to get the bathroom as fast as I can it just starts coming out anyway so I’ve had to leave with my little boy sharpish and I’ve not really been able to stop crying since I got home. I just feel disgusting and can’t imagine ever feeling normal again. I have a gynaecologist review in the new year but I don’t even want to have anyone look and poke around ever again so I’m dreading the thought. Is this normal after this kind of birth and will it get better by itself as time goes on? I know recovery takes time and I’m doing pelvic floor exercises every day but the thought of shitting myself in public is making me terrified to leave the house

Again apologies for the grossness but feel like this is the only place I can get certain stuff off my chest without feeling judged or embarrassed

 

[Kaylarina]

Does E sleep well with the mattress? Do you?
Could I be onto a winner here? Do I need to fork our another £90 for Twin 1?

She really does (and so do I!). She's always been a pretty decent sleeper, at night at least, but as soon as we put her in her cot she'd go from 8pm-8am - best money I've ever spent and I've already said, when the time comes for a "big girl bed" she is going straight into a double bed with a good mattress. I'm not messing with this I definitely think you could be on to a winner

 

[Tired of this crap]

Sorry to bring grossness to the thread but wondering if anyone‘s had any experience of third degree tears after birth and recovery? Mainly to do with bowel incontinence and also poo coming out of my vagina

After the birth (3 weeks ago) they obviously recommended I go into theatre to be stitched up as I’d tore quite badly down to my bum and if I didn’t then there would be the risk of poo coming out of my vagina, so obviously I’m going to go for the surgery anyway but it’s become obvious that this is happening anyway. I also cannot hold a poo at all, so in a nutshell at soft play today as I’m trying to get the bathroom as fast as I can it just starts coming out anyway so I’ve had to leave with my little boy sharpish and I’ve not really been able to stop crying since I got home. I just feel disgusting and can’t imagine ever feeling normal again. I have a gynaecologist review in the new year but I don’t even want to have anyone look and poke around ever again so I’m dreading the thought. Is this normal after this kind of birth and will it get better by itself as time goes on? I know recovery takes time and I’m doing pelvic floor exercises every day but the thought of shitting myself in public is making me terrified to leave the house

Again apologies for the grossness but feel like this is the only place I can get certain stuff off my chest without feeling judged or embarrassed

I had a friend who had this exact issue after birth, she felt just like you did! It’s horrible. She had sessions with a gynaecologist and a physio which solved the problem. I know you can’t bear the thought of someone poking about again which is totally fair enough but they can help.

I had an episiotomy with my first and didn’t quite have incontinence but definitely a NEED to rush to the bathroom whenever I needed a poo. I paid to see a womens health physio who was sooo nice and down to earth and it wasn’t embarrsssing at all. Sorry my baby is kicking off so I can’t write more but just wanted to offer support cos it’s a horrible thing to deal with postpartum xx

 

[Borntorun]

Sorry to bring grossness to the thread but wondering if anyone‘s had any experience of third degree tears after birth and recovery? Mainly to do with bowel incontinence and also poo coming out of my vagina

After the birth (3 weeks ago) they obviously recommended I go into theatre to be stitched up as I’d tore quite badly down to my bum and if I didn’t then there would be the risk of poo coming out of my vagina, so obviously I’m going to go for the surgery anyway but it’s become obvious that this is happening anyway. I also cannot hold a poo at all, so in a nutshell at soft play today as I’m trying to get the bathroom as fast as I can it just starts coming out anyway so I’ve had to leave with my little boy sharpish and I’ve not really been able to stop crying since I got home. I just feel disgusting and can’t imagine ever feeling normal again. I have a gynaecologist review in the new year but I don’t even want to have anyone look and poke around ever again so I’m dreading the thought. Is this normal after this kind of birth and will it get better by itself as time goes on? I know recovery takes time and I’m doing pelvic floor exercises every day but the thought of shitting myself in public is making me terrified to leave the house

Again apologies for the grossness but feel like this is the only place I can get certain stuff off my chest without feeling judged or embarrassed

You need to go back and see a gynaecologist sooner than the new year. I’d also question if it was actually a 4th degree tear if you’re experiencing those symptoms. Can you call your midwife today and see if they can get you to see someone?

 

[Spillit2356]

Sorry to bring grossness to the thread but wondering if anyone‘s had any experience of third degree tears after birth and recovery? Mainly to do with bowel incontinence and also poo coming out of my vagina

After the birth (3 weeks ago) they obviously recommended I go into theatre to be stitched up as I’d tore quite badly down to my bum and if I didn’t then there would be the risk of poo coming out of my vagina, so obviously I’m going to go for the surgery anyway but it’s become obvious that this is happening anyway. I also cannot hold a poo at all, so in a nutshell at soft play today as I’m trying to get the bathroom as fast as I can it just starts coming out anyway so I’ve had to leave with my little boy sharpish and I’ve not really been able to stop crying since I got home. I just feel disgusting and can’t imagine ever feeling normal again. I have a gynaecologist review in the new year but I don’t even want to have anyone look and poke around ever again so I’m dreading the thought. Is this normal after this kind of birth and will it get better by itself as time goes on? I know recovery takes time and I’m doing pelvic floor exercises every day but the thought of shitting myself in public is making me terrified to leave the house

Again apologies for the grossness but feel like this is the only place I can get certain stuff off my chest without feeling judged or embarrassed

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've had 1 epsiotomy and 2 second degree tares so not quite as bad as you but I understand you not wanting anyone near there again, however if I were you I would get on to your GP ASAP or if you haven't been discharged from your midwife yet speak to them ASAP and hopefully you can see someone before the new year. It does have a huge impact on all of your life so please do not ignore this. Big hugs to you

 

[ChattyMammy]

I had a friend who had this exact issue after birth, she felt just like you did! It’s horrible. She had sessions with a gynaecologist and a physio which solved the problem. I know you can’t bear the thought of someone poking about again which is totally fair enough but they can help.

I had an episiotomy with my first and didn’t quite have incontinence but definitely a NEED to rush to the bathroom whenever I needed a poo. I paid to see a womens health physio who was sooo nice and down to earth and it wasn’t embarrsssing at all. Sorry my baby is kicking off so I can’t write more but just wanted to offer support cos it’s a horrible thing to deal with postpartum xx

Thank you I had an episiotomy and forceps with my first as well so just feel like a complete train wreck down there now 🥲 I know I’ll need to have someone have a look but part of me also wants to just bury my head and ignore the whole thing!

You need to go back and see a gynaecologist sooner than the new year. I’d also question if it was actually a 4th degree tear if you’re experiencing those symptoms. Can you call your midwife today and see if they can get you to see someone?

Thanks. I have no idea about the tears to be honest you just sort of trust what they’re telling you don’t you? I do have an appt with the midwife on Monday anyway for babies weighing discharge so I will probably mention it then

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've had 1 epsiotomy and 2 second degree tares so not quite as bad as you but I understand you not wanting anyone near there again, however if I were you I would get on to your GP ASAP or if you haven't been discharged from your midwife yet speak to them ASAP and hopefully you can see someone before the new year. It does have a huge impact on all of your life so please do not ignore this. Big hugs to you

Thank you I had an episiotomy with my first and the recovery definitely felt harder in the first few weeks with that but once my stitches had healed I never had any horrible symptoms like this! My GP aren’t even doing 6 week postnatal checks anymore 🥲 amazing how once the baby arrives they really couldn’t care less! I think I’ll have to talk to my midwife or HV about it see if there’s any way they can help!

 

[DaisyDaisy87]

Sorry to bring grossness to the thread but wondering if anyone‘s had any experience of third degree tears after birth and recovery? Mainly to do with bowel incontinence and also poo coming out of my vagina

After the birth (3 weeks ago) they obviously recommended I go into theatre to be stitched up as I’d tore quite badly down to my bum and if I didn’t then there would be the risk of poo coming out of my vagina, so obviously I’m going to go for the surgery anyway but it’s become obvious that this is happening anyway. I also cannot hold a poo at all, so in a nutshell at soft play today as I’m trying to get the bathroom as fast as I can it just starts coming out anyway so I’ve had to leave with my little boy sharpish and I’ve not really been able to stop crying since I got home. I just feel disgusting and can’t imagine ever feeling normal again. I have a gynaecologist review in the new year but I don’t even want to have anyone look and poke around ever again so I’m dreading the thought. Is this normal after this kind of birth and will it get better by itself as time goes on? I know recovery takes time and I’m doing pelvic floor exercises every day but the thought of shitting myself in public is making me terrified to leave the house

Again apologies for the grossness but feel like this is the only place I can get certain stuff off my chest without feeling judged or embarrassed

Oh I really feel for you, all us new mums feel gross post birth and I can imagine that’s particularly difficult! I’d definitely call them asap if it’s affecting you wanting to leave the house. The quicker you’re fixed, the better for your mental and physical health and they will have seen it so many times you don’t need to be embarrassed.

You sound like you’re smashing being a mum while dealing with that on top of it

 

[Spillit2356]

Thank you I had an episiotomy and forceps with my first as well so just feel like a complete train wreck down there now 🥲 I know I’ll need to have someone have a look but part of me also wants to just bury my head and ignore the whole thing!



Thanks. I have no idea about the tears to be honest you just sort of trust what they’re telling you don’t you? I do have an appt with the midwife on Monday anyway for babies weighing discharge so I will probably mention it then



Thank you I had an episiotomy with my first and the recovery definitely felt harder in the first few weeks with that but once my stitches had healed I never had any horrible symptoms like this! My GP aren’t even doing 6 week postnatal checks anymore 🥲 amazing how once the baby arrives they really couldn’t care less! I think I’ll have to talk to my midwife or HV about it see if there’s any way they can help!

They do nothing at the 6 week check I've found anyway, not once did anyone check me over down below and I've just had a colposcopy for an abnormal smear result (all clear now) and the gynaecologist has now referred me to his clinic as my tares are quite bad and the latest has puckered and is pulling everything off centre. Meaning sex can be painful and the area itself is quite tender both inside and out......I didn't speak to anyone about it and really I should have so please speak up now because the waiting lists are completely ridiculous

 

[ChattyMammy]

Oh I really feel for you, all us new mums feel gross post birth and I can imagine that’s particularly difficult! I’d definitely call them asap if it’s affecting you wanting to leave the house. The quicker you’re fixed, the better for your mental and physical health and they will have seen it so many times you don’t need to be embarrassed.

You sound like you’re smashing being a mum while dealing with that on top of it

Ah thank you so much I’m really trying. I know having 2 healthy boys makes me beyond blessed but I’m also still just a 28 year old woman who wants to hope she might feel normal and confident again at some point in the future! I know I’ll have to get it dealt with it’s obviously just about pulling up my big girl pants and reminding myself I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, but obviously easier said than done

 

[Borntorun]

Thanks. I have no idea about the tears to be honest you just sort of trust what they’re telling you don’t you? I do have an appt with the midwife on Monday anyway for babies weighing discharge so I will probably mention it then

So I am a midwife hence why I’m asking these questions. Please call them today, don’t leave it til Monday x

 

[WhatABore]

Sorry to bring grossness to the thread but wondering if anyone‘s had any experience of third degree tears after birth and recovery? Mainly to do with bowel incontinence and also poo coming out of my vagina

After the birth (3 weeks ago) they obviously recommended I go into theatre to be stitched up as I’d tore quite badly down to my bum and if I didn’t then there would be the risk of poo coming out of my vagina, so obviously I’m going to go for the surgery anyway but it’s become obvious that this is happening anyway. I also cannot hold a poo at all, so in a nutshell at soft play today as I’m trying to get the bathroom as fast as I can it just starts coming out anyway so I’ve had to leave with my little boy sharpish and I’ve not really been able to stop crying since I got home. I just feel disgusting and can’t imagine ever feeling normal again. I have a gynaecologist review in the new year but I don’t even want to have anyone look and poke around ever again so I’m dreading the thought. Is this normal after this kind of birth and will it get better by itself as time goes on? I know recovery takes time and I’m doing pelvic floor exercises every day but the thought of shitting myself in public is making me terrified to leave the house

Again apologies for the grossness but feel like this is the only place I can get certain stuff off my chest without feeling judged or embarrassed

I had an almost 4th degree tear (they couldn't work out if it was a 3rd or 4th) with my second.

This should have all been solved when they originally stitched you up.
So I'd get back to them ASAP because it shouldn't be happening.
I can't imagine how horrible it must be for you
Please get on the phone to them

 

[ChattyMammy]

They do nothing at the 6 week check I've found anyway, not once did anyone check me over down below and I've just had a colposcopy for an abnormal smear result (all clear now) and the gynaecologist has now referred me to his clinic as my tares are quite bad and the latest has puckered and is pulling everything off centre. Meaning sex can be painful and the area itself is quite tender both inside and out......I didn't speak to anyone about it and really I should have so please speak up now because the waiting lists are completely ridiculous

Yeah I mean I don’t have high hopes from anyone at my doctors surgery for anything to be honest

Oh I’m sorry you’re dealing with that that sounds awful this is also what I’m worried about! I can’t imagine ever wanting to be intimate again. Have you had any treatment or anything as yet? What could they actually do in that situation? I’m terrified of being told I need surgery again

So I am a midwife hence why I’m asking these questions. Please call them today, don’t leave it til Monday x

Oh really! To be honest my midwife was an angel, she wasn’t sure on the tear so she got consultants in who then called what it was and what needed to be done. Going to try calling, thank you x

 

[Spillit2356]

Yeah I mean I don’t have high hopes from anyone at my doctors surgery for anything to be honest

Oh I’m sorry you’re dealing with that that sounds awful this is also what I’m worried about! I can’t imagine ever wanting to be intimate again. Have you had any treatment or anything as yet? What could they actually do in that situation? I’m terrified of being told I need surgery again



Oh really! To be honest my midwife was an angel, she wasn’t sure on the tear so she got consultants in who then called what it was and what needed to be done. Going to try calling, thank you x

It's been testing and has made intimacy a problem and has created a few issues with my partner because we definitely need a physical relationship to feel connected and obviously thats made it difficult but I could have cried with relief knowing there was actually a reason for it if that makes sense?
He has recommended physiotherapy (unfortunately I'll have to go private because of the waiting list and it'll have to be something I put off to the new year because of costs) and then I'll just have to see what he recommends once I see him in the gynae clinic. I was just appreciative that he took it all on board and listened and looked when that wasn't actually what I was there for . If it does happen to be surgery I'm just looking towards the better outcome to be honest and trying not to think about the surgery itself

 

[wakametango 2.0]

I hope you all don't mind me jumping on the thread........I was on the pregnancy one just before baby was born (almost 10 months ago ) and then I just dropped off the face of the earth!
It's been a long 10 months. 3rd baby but first breastfed baby, she refused a bottle (still does), I'm back to work 3 days a week so shes on solids through the day and just feeds all night long , doesn't nap for more than 30 mins and I'm just wrecked tired..........please tell me I'm not alone and someone has a magic remedy???

Mini Waka was a prolific 30 min napper. Nursery helped get rid of one nap and get her to midday for one longer nap. Again this was a process as she would only do about 40 mins but overtime she realised this was her only chance to get and has gone up to 2 hours at home and 1.5 at nursery. You probably have a low sleep needs baby like myself. She dropped to one nap about 11/12 months.