Trigger warning ; abuse and suicide.
My mom was a narc. I also am seriously struggling in later life as all of this was my "normal"...
This is probably barely going to touch the surface but For as long as I can remember she told me the only reason I was here was because she didn't have another choice (she was 7 months gone when she discovered she was pregnant with me).. I always knew she hated me she never made it a secret but my younger brother was the golden child,. She was very cold and never ever hugged me or showed affection. She married when I was 5 and it was a very violent relationship. She always put her self and her needs first, they were alcoholics who spent their nights after work in the pub so from a very young age I was coming home to no parents, no food, sometimes if they had forgot to leave the door open I'd have to wait in the garden (I'd snuggle up with the dogs in their shed) until they got home, in all weather's until all times, when they finally got home they'd be too drunk to do much else but fight so there was never any food in and because of the uncertainty of eating at home I would try and eat wherever I was and in the end developed a very unhealthy obsession with food, she would call me a fat piece of pig shit almost daily and in turn my brothers would say it too. I spent my whole childhood tip toeing around her as her moods were so explosive and she was so violent. When I was 13 she attacked me (nothing unusual) and broke my arm. Long story short the neighbours rang the police an as a result me and my brother went into temporary Foster care. He soon returned but I was never welcome back, she blamed it all on me to anyone who would listen and the constant "I can't believe youve done this to your mom and told the police so many lies" made me want to die as no one understood the real her. Everything was a guilt trip with her and I even ended up feeling like maybe it was me? I stayed in Foster care until I was 16 and then got my own place. She would turn up once in a blue moon and never ever helped me I was alone at 16 with not a penny to my name (she had always been well established money wise) but would never help me
Trigger warning ; abuse and suicide.
My mom was a narc. I also am seriously struggling in later life as all of this was my "normal"...
This is probably barely going to touch the surface but For as long as I can remember she told me the only reason I was here was because she didn't have another choice (she was 7 months gone when she discovered she was pregnant with me).. I always knew she hated me she never made it a secret but my younger brother was the golden child,. She was very cold and never ever hugged me or showed affection. She married when I was 5 and it was a very violent relationship. She always put her self and her needs first, they were alcoholics who spent their nights after work in the pub so from a very young age I was coming home to no parents, no food, sometimes if they had forgot to leave the door open I'd have to wait in the garden (I'd snuggle up with the dogs in their shed) until they got home, in all weather's until all times, when they finally got home they'd be too drunk to do much else but fight so there was never any food in and because of the uncertainty of eating at home I would try and eat wherever I was and in the end developed a very unhealthy obsession with food, she would call me a fat piece of pig shit almost daily and in turn my brothers would say it too. I spent my whole childhood tip toeing around her as her moods were so explosive and she was so violent. When I was 13 she attacked me (nothing unusual) and broke my arm. Long story short the neighbours rang the police an as a result me and my brother went into temporary Foster care. He soon returned but I was never welcome back, she blamed it all on me to anyone who would listen and the constant "I can't believe youve done this to your mom and told the police so many lies" made me want to die as no one understood the real her. Everything was a guilt trip with her and I even ended up feeling like maybe it was me? I stayed in Foster care until I was 16 and then got my own place. She would turn up once in a blue moon and never ever helped me I was alone at 16 with not a penny to my name (she had always been well established money wise) but would never help me with anything despite doing anything for her sons. Our relationship since then was sparse, She vehemently denied all of my memories and says I must be sick in the head to say these things which made it harder to care about her. I had my first son at age 20 and I seen a side to her I had never ever seen before she adored him. Would kiss and hug him shower him with love and then thats when I really thought wow it must be me... The next few years she put me through hell with her drinking, emotional abuse and wild BPD episodes. She went to jail for drink driving and whilst she was in I discovered I was having a girl.. The next time she rang I told her and she just put the phone down on me. I was so confused but after a while it became clear... Its because the baby was a girl.. She had not one bit of time for her like she did my son. The same with me and my brothers. I ended up cutting her off after the birth.. Fast forward to a year later (January 2020) and I got a call to say she had hanged herself. When I got to the hospital they had her on life support but it wasn't looking good due to the brain damage, I ended up being the next of kin and all further decisions were down to me. 5 days later the day before my 27th birthday I had to make the heart wrenching decision to withdraw her life support, my brothers whom she adored left and I lay with her whilst she died and it was honestly the closest I have ever felt to her and my heart broke all over again. I thought I'd mourned my mom years ago but clearly not. I planned and paid for the funeral single handedly and my brothers swanned up and took all the credit for "a beautiful send off..my whole family openly blaims me for her suicide and said if I hadn't stopped contact with her and the kids she would never of done this. I'm struggling with my thoughts of her, it's like a PP said since she's died iv put her on a pedastal and it's really an emotional roller-coaster. I loved her to death and I suppose somewhere in there she loved me too but it wasn't what it should of been. I'm in therapy and trying to overcome this professionally but I also get so jealous seeing other grown ups with wonderful parents. Because even when mine were here I wished they wasn't
I am so sorry to read this, whilst I can’t relate to the not having food and my mum being an alcoholic, she did tell me some inappropriate stuff at about 9 years old. Stuff like She was nearly raped in butlins, she saw her mum having sex with her now husband but at the time was married to my dad, that I am only here because my dad said if she didn’t give him a child he would just hold her down and a few other bits which at the time I was so flattered she told me these secrets because she made no secret she hated me. She told my to a physiatrist at 7 years old because I was always so upset by all the boyfriends after my dad left she said I was controlling wtfff.I was the only child to know my younger brother wasn’t my dads so when I grew up and my brother was horrid I told him (regret that but tbf) and no one believed me my mum, her new bf, other brother called me scum!! It made me so determined to prove I was right, eventually some random woman my mum knew way back when asked my brother If he’d ever met his real dad and it all came out! She always chose men before uscshe cheated with my best friends dad (from nursery) who’s wife was dying of cancer and omg some of the positions me and my brother caught them in literally pornographic! One night my brother walked downstairs and they were at it, literally saw the whole act and he jumped up put his head round the door and winked at us. We ran upstairs and played sonic on mega drive so shocked I remember my poor brothers face bless himTrigger warning ; abuse and suicide.
My mom was a narc. I also am seriously struggling in later life as all of this was my "normal"...
This is probably barely going to touch the surface but For as long as I can remember she told me the only reason I was here was because she didn't have another choice (she was 7 months gone when she discovered she was pregnant with me).. I always knew she hated me she never made it a secret but my younger brother was the golden child,. She was very cold and never ever hugged me or showed affection. She married when I was 5 and it was a very violent relationship. She always put her self and her needs first, they were alcoholics who spent their nights after work in the pub so from a very young age I was coming home to no parents, no food, sometimes if they had forgot to leave the door open I'd have to wait in the garden (I'd snuggle up with the dogs in their shed) until they got home, in all weather's until all times, when they finally got home they'd be too drunk to do much else but fight so there was never any food in and because of the uncertainty of eating at home I would try and eat wherever I was and in the end developed a very unhealthy obsession with food, she would call me a fat piece of pig shit almost daily and in turn my brothers would say it too. I spent my whole childhood tip toeing around her as her moods were so explosive and she was so violent. When I was 13 she attacked me (nothing unusual) and broke my arm. Long story short the neighbours rang the police an as a result me and my brother went into temporary Foster care. He soon returned but I was never welcome back, she blamed it all on me to anyone who would listen and the constant "I can't believe youve done this to your mom and told the police so many lies" made me want to die as no one understood the real her. Everything was a guilt trip with her and I even ended up feeling like maybe it was me? I stayed in Foster care until I was 16 and then got my own place. She would turn up once in a blue moon and never ever helped me I was alone at 16 with not a penny to my name (she had always been well established money wise) but would never help me with anything despite doing anything for her sons. Our relationship since then was sparse, She vehemently denied all of my memories and says I must be sick in the head to say these things which made it harder to care about her. I had my first son at age 20 and I seen a side to her I had never ever seen before she adored him. Would kiss and hug him shower him with love and then thats when I really thought wow it must be me... The next few years she put me through hell with her drinking, emotional abuse and wild BPD episodes. She went to jail for drink driving and whilst she was in I discovered I was having a girl.. The next time she rang I told her and she just put the phone down on me. I was so confused but after a while it became clear... Its because the baby was a girl.. She had not one bit of time for her like she did my son. The same with me and my brothers. I ended up cutting her off after the birth.. Fast forward to a year later (January 2020) and I got a call to say she had hanged herself. When I got to the hospital they had her on life support but it wasn't looking good due to the brain damage, I ended up being the next of kin and all further decisions were down to me. 5 days later the day before my 27th birthday I had to make the heart wrenching decision to withdraw her life support, my brothers whom she adored left and I lay with her whilst she died and it was honestly the closest I have ever felt to her and my heart broke all over again. I thought I'd mourned my mom years ago but clearly not. I planned and paid for the funeral single handedly and my brothers swanned up and took all the credit for "a beautiful send off..my whole family openly blaims me for her suicide and said if I hadn't stopped contact with her and the kids she would never of done this. I'm struggling with my thoughts of her, it's like a PP said since she's died iv put her on a pedastal and it's really an emotional roller-coaster. I loved her to death and I suppose somewhere in there she loved me too but it wasn't what it should of been. I'm in therapy and trying to overcome this professionally but I also get so jealous seeing other grown ups with wonderful parents. Because even when mine were here I wished they wasn't
you poor thing, this is awful to endure. Please cut her out of your life, she's no good to you and never will be. You might think 'it's all I've got' but she's trapping you, you need to be free of her.I am so sorry to read this, whilst I can’t relate to the not having food and my mum being an alcoholic, she did tell me some inappropriate stuff at about 9 years old. Stuff like She was nearly raped in butlins, she saw her mum having sex with her now husband but at the time was married to my dad, that I am only here because my dad said if she didn’t give him a child he would just hold her down and a few other bits which at the time I was so flattered she told me these secrets because she made no secret she hated me. She told my to a physiatrist at 7 years old because I was always so upset by all the boyfriends after my dad left she said I was controlling wtfff.I was the only child to know my younger brother wasn’t my dads so when I grew up and my brother was horrid I told him (regret that but tbf) and no one believed me my mum, her new bf, other brother called me scum!! It made me so determined to prove I was right, eventually some random woman my mum knew way back when asked my brother If he’d ever met his real dad and it all came out! She always chose men before uscshe cheated with my best friends dad (from nursery) who’s wife was dying of cancer and omg some of the positions me and my brother caught them in literally pornographic! One night my brother walked downstairs and they were at it, literally saw the whole act and he jumped up put his head round the door and winked at us. We ran upstairs and played sonic on mega drive so shocked I remember my poor brothers face bless himShe eventually dumped him for his nephew and in turn I never saw my best friend again . Honestly the list would go on and on and to this day she constantly calls me a cunt and what did she do to deserve me, constantly criticising my
Brothers parenting and thinking the world owes her something! I love her because she’s my mum but I don’t like her at all. Sending love I hope you’re in a better place today xx
Same scenario with mine and the bigotry. Its so embarrassing the views they holdThis thread is so reassuring that im not alone in this.
My mother is the ultimate narcissist. It’s all about her, loves drama and making others unhappy. Snide comments and bringing up loaded topics. Current topics of contention are food banks and Marcus Rashford - there is no need for them and people are just taking advantage and he should stick to football. BLM - she’s sick of seeing it and there is too much on tv. Meghan Markle - hates her, Brexit and, Farage & Boris - she loves them.
She’s such a bigot and if I disagree with her even in a nice way there is a row. There was one this evening.
I give to foodbanks so don’t understand how someone can be so nasty especially at these times.
I’m 32 and it’s only this year I’ve realised how much damage she has caused me. I didn’t have a bad childhood, we had clothes, food and treats but the default was anger. I suffer with anxiety and I know she is the reason for it. She has no friends, her and my dad just sit in the house all day. She resents anyone who is happy. We have recently reconciled with my brother after 3 years, the fall out was because of her. We are getting on well which is great but it’s only been 2 months and he is already regretting letting her back in. My dad does stick up for us but she doesn’t listen and never apologises. It’s just exhausting. There is so much more I could say. They are coming over on Xmas day and I really don’t want her too, I’d like to see my dad but they come as a package. I was really hoping there would be tight restrictions for Xmasluckily they live an hour away so I don’t have to see her regularly. Thanks for listening, sorry for rambling on- she’s just got to me tonight.
My hubs is fab, very supportive and can’t stand her either but I sometimes feel it’s not fair to keep bothering him with it plus he cut all of his family off because they were mega toxic so it’s unfair to ask him to deal with mine
It’s awful isn’t it. Usually I can ignore and be vanilla but tonight I just couldn’t let it goSame scenario with mine and the bigotry. Its so embarrassing the views they hold
Sending love right back to you!I don't feel ready to talk about my history but my mum is a narc and it was actually something my therapist suggested. She's an abusive alcoholic and former drug user. Nothing was more important than her needs. Definite golden child/scapegoat dynamics.
It was a really long time before I realised my family wasn't normal and it shocks people whenever I do reveal anything about my home life.
Sending love to you all.
That also rang a bell with me as well!!I can sympathise so much with this because my mum is the exact same, and I don’t think it’s extreme enough that I could cut her off completely. She always has to rain on my parade and put a dampener on my happiness (all she could talk about was how much weight I needed to lose after I’d just given birth to her first grandchild and expressed nothing but disdain when my now-husband and I got engaged!). I, like you, end up biting and then get made out to be the one in the wrong but if other people knew her like I did they’d see things differently. I have daydreamed of cutting her off so many times, but she does have a good relationship with my sons and I’m not cruel enough to take that away from them. I wish I could offer advice, just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I usually cope by keeping my distance and doing my best to completely ignore her when she starts her shite. As I’ve gotten older and had my own family, it’s become easier. Living with her as a young girl was utter hell at times. I spent most of it in my room or out with friends just to get away from her.
Sorry to bring this back around. Reading this thread has literally been like reading my childhood but this one stuck out for me the most.I could've written this.
Another thing I know that if I did have kids and I introduced them to my dad, if he was horrible to them like he was to me then I would cut contact immediately obviously. But what if he was nice to them? Treated them like little people deserve to be treated? Honestly I couldn't watch that, I just wouldn't be able to deal with the thought of why not me then?
And again its like well of course he'll love them and be nice to them they're his grandchildren! But why was he a monster when I was a kid? Am I so much worse than grandkids? Trying to explain this to someone 'normal'? No way not even going to try.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. "Luckily" I've never wanted kids, but I have battled with these thoughts for years in case I did change my mind.Sorry to bring this back around. Reading this thread has literally been like reading my childhood but this one stuck out for me the most.
I have always really wanted kids and although I have the fear that I'll be like my mum I know in my heart I won't, but the thought of her being involved scares me to death. The thought of her being lovely to them is difficult but I do think okay as long as the kids are happy that will be okay with me. I don't trust her to have them over night though at all as she is not maternal in any way.
There's a bit of me that's really spiteful and wants to keep them from her cause I don't feel like she deserves to be a grandmother. She likes to say that when I have kids in the summer I can send them to stay with her for the holidays and I think to myself, first of all no. not on any planet but secondly, there's no way you'll ever see my children let alone have them for the whole summer. ir makes me selfish and spiteful and I feel like maybe I should be the bigger person
Thank you. It makes me feel like I'm a horrible person that I want to keep them away from her because I worry it's coming from a place of spite masked as a place of protection if that makes senseI'm so sorry you are going through this. "Luckily" I've never wanted kids, but I have battled with these thoughts for years in case I did change my mind.
I know if and when you have kids, you will protect them at all costs from people who are not a good influence, whether related or not.
Because I have been through similar things to you, I see that it would 100% come from a place of protection and I would do the same. But like you I am not naive and unfortunately "normal" people may not understand that. But at the same time it really is no one else's business. Any good parent has their children's best interests at heart all day every day and it shouldn't be any other way.Thank you. It makes me feel like I'm a horrible person that I want to keep them away from her because I worry it's coming from a place of spite masked as a place of protection if that makes sense
So sorry you’re having a tough time. You’re not over sensitive and your feelings are valid. Please look after yourself and put in some boundaries with your mum. Sending hugs xxxI don’t know why I keep doing it to myself, getting my hopes up for some sort of maternal support/ love and then get disappointed when it doesn’t come. I should know by now it won’t.
I text my mum today that I’ve been signed offf work with stress due to an ongoing situation. She knows the ins and outs of it and I only mentioned to stop her digs about work. I had No call or anything in response, just a simple “I hope it gets sorted soon” reply. I text her about my son saying he acted out a bit today. She asks “do you think he’s picking up on your stress or just a phase?”. I replied “I think he’s just being a toddler”.
It’s like she’s using my work situation to imply I’m being a bad mother. Ugh I’m so annoyed at myself or maybe I’m being overly sensitive as usual.
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