Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[Suebigfatsue87]

Wow that hit me hard. I totally relate. I am pregnant now and I feel a deep pain inside me knowing my children won’t have grandparents.
I cut from my family for over 14 years and never looked back. I feel so safe without them but I always have that longing for a family but it’s all a fantasy sadly.

this is so true and they don’t get that because of who they are. Like I said we haven’t spoken to our in laws for 4 years now and life is so much better. But I know for my husband he desperately wishes he had a normal family and he’d still love a normal dynamic. I think it’s human instinct to want to have a family.

I remember when we first cut ties the narcs and the flying monkeys in the family said why did we put up with them for 7 years if they were so bad? My other half got told he didn’t get abused and even if he did he needed to “get over it” they all act like a big happy family and it make me die as they all spend their time slating one another. The Facebook photos and stories from narc families are hilarious as if you know the dynamics you just can see how fake they all are

 

[rainbowlemon]

This may be slightly off topic (or equally we may have already discussed this) but did neglecting your basic hygiene etc needs happen to any of the rest of you?

I was just watching a YouTuber show their grocery haul and she had bought her daughter deodorant and I just burst into tears. For some reason it brought it all back out of nowhere.

I was only allowed to shower twice a week, it was considered a waste of water. My mum would tell me I had started to smell of sweat but wouldn't buy me deodorant and I didn't know that I was supposed to use anything like that. I got bullied in school so badly anyway for other things but smelling bad made it so much worse I would sometimes even skip school because I was too mortified to go in.

Periods were another thing I was just left to fend for myself. I was born mid-80's and I don't even know what age I got my first period but I remember having to use toilet paper until a friend in school told me about pads etc and then I would save pocket money to buy them. It was horrible having to hand wash and try dry my knickers in my room and I didn't really even understand why it was happening to me.

Sending you love.

It was almost the same for me. I remember being 7 and given a chart in school for brushing our teeth. I remember i never even marked it once, because there was no one there to make sure I had brushed my teeth.

We would also only have a bath once a week. and I was told in year 8 by another girl that I smelled because I never had deodorant either. If you're a child how are you supposed to buy yourself things?

For periods I would use tissue and remember taking stealing sanitary towels from my aunts bathroom when I visited. I didn't have underwear that fitted me so would wear really tight ones I found in the drawer which made it even more uncomfortable.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Sending you love.

It was almost the same for me. I remember being 7 and given a chart in school for brushing our teeth. I remember i never even marked it once, because there was no one there to make sure I had brushed my teeth.

We would also only have a bath once a week. and I was told in year 8 by another girl that I smelled because I never had deodorant either. If you're a child how are you supposed to buy yourself things?

For periods I would use tissue and remember taking stealing sanitary towels from my aunts bathroom when I visited. I didn't have underwear that fitted me so would wear really tight ones I found in the drawer which made it even more uncomfortable.

I'm so sorry you also had to go through this.

Like I've said before in this thread, I'm so happy to know I'm not alone (I have no one in my life who would even begin to try understand my childhood) but at the same time my heart breaks for all of you for having to have gone through it.

 

[Eureka]

This may be slightly off topic (or equally we may have already discussed this) but did neglecting your basic hygiene etc needs happen to any of the rest of you?

I was just watching a YouTuber show their grocery haul and she had bought her daughter deodorant and I just burst into tears. For some reason it brought it all back out of nowhere.

I was only allowed to shower twice a week, it was considered a waste of water. My mum would tell me I had started to smell of sweat but wouldn't buy me deodorant and I didn't know that I was supposed to use anything like that. I got bullied in school so badly anyway for other things but smelling bad made it so much worse I would sometimes even skip school because I was too mortified to go in.

Periods were another thing I was just left to fend for myself. I was born mid-80's and I don't even know what age I got my first period but I remember having to use toilet paper until a friend in school told me about pads etc and then I would save pocket money to buy them. It was horrible having to hand wash and try dry my knickers in my room and I didn't really even understand why it was happening to me.

Same here. I was the eldest girl and all matters related to women’s hygiene was ignored. I was never told about periods and I also used toilet roll for years. I wasn’t allowed a hairbrush or hair ties, I looked a mess. I didn’t get a bra until I was nearly 18 and I bought that myself. I didn’t even really think about that until your post so my minds a bit blown.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Same here. I was the eldest girl and all matters related to women’s hygiene was ignored. I was never told about periods and I also used toilet roll for years. I wasn’t allowed a hairbrush or hair ties, I looked a mess. I didn’t get a bra until I was nearly 18 and I bought that myself. I didn’t even really think about that until your post so my minds a bit blown.

I'm so sorry!

I also never knew about bras until I got teased in school. I bought myself an ill fitting training bra from a supermarket, but then I was so embarrassed of it that I wore 2 hoodies at all times so no one would see the outline of it.

 

[rainbowlemon]

I'm so sorry you also had to go through this.

Like I've said before in this thread, I'm so happy to know I'm not alone (I have no one in my life who would even begin to try understand my childhood) but at the same time my heart breaks for all of you for having to have gone through it.

One of my closest friends that i've made in real life has been from Tattle when I did start talking about my experience. I find it true to be honest unless you've grown up in a similar way you really won't get it.

 

[Eureka]

I'm so sorry!

I also never knew about bras until I got teased in school. I bought myself an ill fitting training bra from a supermarket, but then I was so embarrassed of it that I wore 2 hoodies at all times so no one would see the outline of it.

Don’t apologise!!!! I hate that anyone had to go through that but it really helps to know it wasn’t just me iykwim.

 

[DCICassieStuart]

My mother restricted sanitary towels. She had really light periods and mine were heavy, but as far as she was concerned one packet per period was more than adequate. She used to keep the nighttime ones in her room and I had to ask for one. The school secretary used to give me extra sanitary towels in school. Her name was Joan, and she was so lovely. I still remember her well. She had 4 sons herself, but was so good to all the girls in school. My periods were so painful that a lot of the time I would literally pass out in school and end up in her office. They used to ring my mother to come and collect me and take me home, but I would be left there for hours as she was always busy doing something else. She didn't work, so it was normally something like getting her hair done, shopping etc. Once my home economics teacher saw how bad I was and drove me home herself (I had a key)
I tried to talk to my mother about the period pain etc, but because her periods had never been like that she told me that I was abnormal etc. I remember my first period was very heavy and lasted 7 days and she completely freaked me out telling me that wasn't normal. She told me to "Shut up moaning and just get on with it like everyone else" Asked her again about going to the GP for something to help with the pain and she started screaming at me that I "Needn't think you'll be going on the pill, going out having sex" At 13, I hadn't even kissed a boy, let alone anything else.
It wasn't until my friend's Mum (my friend also had terrible periods, but her Mum was completely different to mine and helped her in any way she could) intervened that I was finally taken to the doctor for pain.

When I was in the shower, she used to literally stand outside the bathroom, banging on the door and screaming at me to get out and stop 'wasting the water'. I had greasy hair at that age that I wasn't allowed wash more than twice a week (in case I 'wasted' the water) and used to get bullied at school over that. Both her and my father would point out that my hair was dirty and greasy but then wouldn't let me wash it. I mean seriously, wtf?

 

[MANDATORY]

My mother restricted sanitary towels. She had really light periods and mine were heavy, but as far as she was concerned one packet per period was more than adequate. She used to keep the nighttime ones in her room and I had to ask for one. The school secretary used to give me extra sanitary towels in school. Her name was Joan, and she was so lovely. I still remember her well. She had 4 sons herself, but was so good to all us girls in school. My periods were so painful that a lot of the time I would literally pass out in school and end up in her office. They used to ring my mother to come and collect me and take me home, but I would be left there for hours as she was always busy doing something else. She didn't work, so it was normally something like getting her hair done, shopping etc. Once my home economics teacher saw how bad I was and drove me home herself (I had a key)
I tried to talk to my mother about the period pain etc, but because her periods had never been like that she told me that I was abnormal etc. I remember my first period was very heavy and lasted 7 days and she completely freaked me out telling me that wasn't normal. She told me to "Shut up moaning and just get on with it like everyone else" Asked her again about going to the GP for something to help with the pain and she started screaming at me that I "Needn't think you'll be going on the pill, going out having sex" At 13, I hadn't even kissed a boy, let alone anything else.
It wasn't until my friend's Mum (my friend also had terrible periods, but her Mum was completely different to mine and helped her in any way she could) intervened that I was finally taken to the doctor for pain.

When I was in the shower, she used to literally stand outside the bathroom, banging on the door and screaming at me to get out and stop 'wasting the water'. I had greasy hair at that age that I wasn't allowed wash more than twice a week (in case I 'wasted' the water) and used to get bullied at school over that. Both her and my father would point out that my hair was dirty and greasy but then wouldn't let me wash it. I mean seriously, wtf?

You poor thing.. that is so sad and no one should be made to feel like that and deal with such a personal thing like that alone and without compassion or understanding. Sending you hugs

 

[PrincessCharming]

My mother also ignored all my health and hygiene needs.

She wouldn’t ask us to brush our teeth as small kids but happily rage at us if we needed any work at the dentist.

 

[DCICassieStuart]

You poor thing.. that is so sad and no one should be made to feel like that and deal with such a personal thing like that alone and without compassion or understanding. Sending you hugs

Thank you @MANDATORY

 

[Clairer86]

wow all the talk about personal hygiene has reminded me of my own experiences, specifically nits. I remember being 12 and having nits, i was a majorette/dancer and we had our hair in a french plait that the trainers did, and i remember them finding nits and soon everyone else found out. And my parents were told but they did nothing. I also remember being about 13/14 and i got sent to our head of year who (bless him) was so nice and caring, and he asked me if he could check my hair for nits. I was so embarrassed as it must have been noticed by teachers/other puplis for him to ask me.
My parents were very odd in their behaviour- our house was always clean and tidy, we had proper home cooked food, clean clothes etc and yet they didnt bother to sort out nits, and they certainly didnt meet my emotional needs and i went through other trauma which absolutely has impacted upon my mental health- i have both BPD and Bipolar 2, and in particular BPD can be a result of traumatic experiences and abuse. I often hear only negative things about having BPD and it seems like it makes us 'bad people' but that is incorrect and more often than not people diagnosed with BPD share abusive childhoods and trauma.

 

[Maid22]

Just reading these posts, I thought I was alone in thinking about my hygiene, bless you all for sharing.
When I started my period, had no idea what was going on, my mother just gave me a pad and book to read, she never once spoke about it, it was awful, rushing to the toilets at every break time, using toilet roll, felt so alone.
I also had bad spots one time, I picked at them thinking they'd disappear the next day, no, big scabs on my face, I cried and begged my mother not to send me to school, she just laughed and sent me.
Also, I actually don't remember the pair of them telling me they loved me, my oh was the first, they did say it later, but I found it so uncomfortable and was so rigid when they ever went to hug me.
ThInking about this shite, I am so glad I have nothing to do with them, took me years which I regret not doing it sooner.

 

[Maid22]

Reading this thread today has opened up alot of wounds, i only realised my 'dad' was narcissistic through reading here, but my 'mother' what an absolute witch, I lost my older brother through suicide years ago, never had any help over that, it was like his death was brushed under the carpet, his funeral was a farce, sorry can't say too much incase anyone reads here who would know,my younger brother, wow, what can I say, me and oh had him here living with us for ages, but he's turned into our 'dad' a selfish narcissistic prick, I really hate him, he's such a nasty piece of a work, I've never hated anyone as much as him.

 

[rainbowhouse]

After a life of abuse where I tried to please her and keep the peace, we then had three years of her not “approving” of any of my life choices (nothing drastic, just new jobs etc) and me going very low contact because I couldn’t take any more. I was bombarded with texts, letters, gifts telling me how sad she was and how we had to visit. I’ve just recently sent a cease and desist letter and had a confirmation reply (even that she managed to make about her). I finally feel relieved that no more special occasions can be ruined by her.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Reading this thread today has opened up alot of wounds, i only realised my 'dad' was narcissistic through reading here, but my 'mother' what an absolute witch, I lost my older brother through suicide years ago, never had any help over that, it was like his death was brushed under the carpet, his funeral was a farce, sorry can't say too much incase anyone reads here who would know,my younger brother, wow, what can I say, me and oh had him here living with us for ages, but he's turned into our 'dad' a selfish narcissistic prick, I really hate him, he's such a nasty piece of a work, I've never hated anyone as much as him.

That's awful I'm so sorry. You're in a safe environment in this thread

 

[rainbowhouse]

This may be slightly off topic (or equally we may have already discussed this) but did neglecting your basic hygiene etc needs happen to any of the rest of you?

I was just watching a YouTuber show their grocery haul and she had bought her daughter deodorant and I just burst into tears. For some reason it brought it all back out of nowhere.

I was only allowed to shower twice a week, it was considered a waste of water. My mum would tell me I had started to smell of sweat but wouldn't buy me deodorant and I didn't know that I was supposed to use anything like that. I got bullied in school so badly anyway for other things but smelling bad made it so much worse I would sometimes even skip school because I was too mortified to go in.

Periods were another thing I was just left to fend for myself. I was born mid-80's and I don't even know what age I got my first period but I remember having to use toilet paper until a friend in school told me about pads etc and then I would save pocket money to buy them. It was horrible having to hand wash and try dry my knickers in my room and I didn't really even understand why it was happening to me.

I got pads, but they were the thick ones like maternity pads are now. I begged for “always”but was told to think myself lucky I had anything - she had to use a ripped up sheet and wash it by hand (no idea if her many tales are true or embellished).

 

[Chandler Bing]

I got pads, but they were the thick ones like maternity pads are now. I begged for “always”but was told to think myself lucky I had anything - she had to use a ripped up sheet and wash it by hand (no idea if her many tales are true or embellished).

Oh yeah that old chestnut! "You have no idea how lucky you are".

You know what I think when you have kids, you try make sure they have the things you never did, make sure the next generation has a better life. But not with these people, "I had to suffer so you better suffer even worse!" was their motto.

 

[rainbowhouse]

Oh yeah that old chestnut! "You have no idea how lucky you are".

You know what I think when you have kids, you try make sure they have the things you never did, make sure the next generation has a better life. But not with these people, "I had to suffer so you better suffer even worse!" was their motto.

I spend my entire life making sure my kids have anything they want - not in a spilt brat kind of way - but normal things that they ask for, like music lessons, a trendy top, their hair done, the nice toiletries. And we always have a ridiculous amount of fruit available (never wasted, just a constant variety), as we weren’t allowed to waste money on fruit.

 

[Maid22]

Oh yeah that old chestnut! "You have no idea how lucky you are".

You know what I think when you have kids, you try make sure they have the things you never did, make sure the next generation has a better life. But not with these people, "I had to suffer so you better suffer even worse!" was their motto.

So true, probably why I've never had kids, got pregnant , scared the life out of me, made up I was going away for a few days, had to stay in hospital for an abortion,no one knew, another thing I had to deal with, many years later, I told my 'mother' her first reaction, I could have been a grandmother and went of crying, I ended up looking after her, wtaf, she really didn't give a tit about me.