Can fully relate to narc parents wearing you down out of “concern”.
My mum offered to pay for my wedding dress. Uncharacteristically generous of her, but great. I found a dress I liked - it was an old sample dress from a discontinued dress that I LOVED and found on Pinterest. So, it was pretty cheap. About £200 and will need about £400 in alterations.
Funnily enough, when my mum heard I’d gone out and bought a dress, she wasn’t pleased. No offer to pay for it anymore. I realised that all along, she’d offered to pay so she could be involved in choosing the dress. Because she wanted to be centre of attention at a bridal shop as mother of the bride. Because SHE wanted something out of it, not because she wanted me to be happy.
I felt bad she’d missed out on the whole “say yes to the dress” experience. It wasn’t my intention to rob her of anything. So shrugged the retraction of the offer off.
I tried to make her feel better by letting her see photos of me in the dress.
She made a long list of suggestions on how it should be altered. No compliments whatsoever. I shrugged it off.
A few months later, she’s obviously feeling annoyed I have changed my mind and booked fitting for other dresses. She texts me “out of concern”. How I should try on other dresses so I can get an “honest” opinion on what “flatters” me. She’s basically saying I look bad in my dress in a roundabout way.
Initially, I felt pretty crushed. But I guess I’ve learned not to take it to heart anymore. The whole dress situation wasn’t about me or my dress. Really it’s about my mother wanting something and her reaction to not getting it. I could have worn the most perfect, beautiful dress in the world and it wouldn’t have been good enough for my mother, because she wanted to make the choice and get something out of it for herself - it was never about me or my dress. I’ve learned to Grey rock in response to her “I like my dress and I’m happy with my choice”.
I think I posted here - when my mum saw that the constant criticism was getting her nowhere, she switched tact to being very apologetic. It almost hurt me more, because I knew it was completely disingenuous. I know how to grey rock her criticisms and digs now, but the kind, empathetic approach, took me off guard.
my advice to
@Good Egg and anyone else struggling with narc parents is… don’t ever forget that their insults, digs and comments are
always about them, and never about you.
the project their hatred of themselves (because all narcissist hate themselves deep down) onto others, because it’s easier than feeling it for themselves.
it makes me sad to hear about people not going for opportunities or not believing in themselves because they start believing what their narc parents say. And when it gets to this point, you
have to treat yourself like you love yourself, even if you don’t. You
have to distance yourself from these people at
all costs. Physically and emotionally. Because it was literally save your life. Do not communicate or see people who make you feel this way. Do not spend your life letting this posting infiltrate everything good in it. Value yourself more than these people ever can, I beg you.
for me, a turning point was when I visited home for Christmas after about a 5 hour journey. My narc sister (with the support of my mother) treated me horribly. Started a fight, kicked me out of the room I was staying in, threw my clothes everywhere… I honestly felt so small and so destroyed. Like I wasn’t worth living, because if my own family couldn’t be kind to me then who would? I felt in that moment like my life wasn’t worth anything. It’s a horrible place to be in mentally but it’s where narcs drive you to.
it made something click in my head. Maybe a survival instinct, that told me that it was up to
me and me alone to chose better for myself.
so that Christmas I packed my bags up, called a friend and booked a hotel room for the night. I then went to stay for the remainder of the holidays with my best friend.
I haven’t been back home for Christmas since. I’ve barely spoken to either my mother or my sister since. And my life has improved exponentially because of it. I don’t cry in the middle of the night, upset over their treatment of me anymore. I feel more confident. It’s like stepping into the light in all honesty, like shifting a huge weight.
I doubt myself all the time and also - the feeling of not being good enough. In fact, on the very rare occasion when I don’t doubt myself about something, it feels very odd. With my mum, it’s the same - listing reasons why I shouldn’t do something and naming all the negatives and things that could potentially go wrong. She also asks questions or makes comments that very subtly plant doubts. For example, if she found out I was going on a work trip: “But where will you park? There’ll be nowhere to park! And what if you get lost and you run out of petrol?? And you’ll be on your own, you might get attacked!” And when I first started lecturing, she kept saying at different times: “And I presume you have to talk out loud?” “You’ll have to talk out loud all the time” “Except you have to talk out loud don’t you?” “Did you talk out loud?” “If you don’t talk out loud, they won’t hear you at the back”. So now I’m always very conscious of the fact that I don’t speak loud enough. 
