Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[screamqueen]

Hi all, hope you're all having a nice week.

I've been on and off this thread so apologies for barging back in.
I've been NC with my narc mum for just over a year now, and whilst I've definitely felt much happier not having the communication with her, I have found other family members views on it quite difficult to deal with, as understandably they all want to play happy families!

My siblings understand my reasonings and still have a relationship with her, however I spoke to my dad who is remarried and every time we speak he asks if I've spoken to my mum which is so frustrating. I know he means well but it's so frustrating. I recently had some exciting news to share so called him to tell him and he said "Will you be telling your mum or will she be finding this out?" which just left me speechless, I didn't know what to say. He went on to say he knows how difficult she can be but that every time he speaks to her (side note, I have absolutely NO idea why they still speak so often so this was news to me) she asks if he has spoken to me and says she doesn't know why I'm not speaking to her, which is baffling. He says he knows he can't make me speak to her, but always asks me to reconsider - he had a really close relationship with both of his parents so it's a little difficult to make him understand as he's always in the camp of "I'd hate you to regret it if anything were to happen". Eugh.

Does anyone else have a similar situation? I fully understand my not speaking with her isn't easy on other people who have a relationship with her, but why are we expected to be the ones to roll over just because it's easier for everyone else?

Eugh, anyway sorry for venting, but hope you're all able to enjoy some sunshine this weekend wherever you are x

 

[Keikochan]

Hi all, hope you're all having a nice week.

I've been on and off this thread so apologies for barging back in.
I've been NC with my narc mum for just over a year now, and whilst I've definitely felt much happier not having the communication with her, I have found other family members views on it quite difficult to deal with, as understandably they all want to play happy families!

My siblings understand my reasonings and still have a relationship with her, however I spoke to my dad who is remarried and every time we speak he asks if I've spoken to my mum which is so frustrating. I know he means well but it's so frustrating. I recently had some exciting news to share so called him to tell him and he said "Will you be telling your mum or will she be finding this out?" which just left me speechless, I didn't know what to say. He went on to say he knows how difficult she can be but that every time he speaks to her (side note, I have absolutely NO idea why they still speak so often so this was news to me) she asks if he has spoken to me and says she doesn't know why I'm not speaking to her, which is baffling. He says he knows he can't make me speak to her, but always asks me to reconsider - he had a really close relationship with both of his parents so it's a little difficult to make him understand as he's always in the camp of "I'd hate you to regret it if anything were to happen". Eugh.

Does anyone else have a similar situation? I fully understand my not speaking with her isn't easy on other people who have a relationship with her, but why are we expected to be the ones to roll over just because it's easier for everyone else?

Eugh, anyway sorry for venting, but hope you're all able to enjoy some sunshine this weekend wherever you are x

This is the place to vent

I hate when people play dumb like "oh I don't know why X doesn't talk to me" or "why don't you just forgive Y". They know full well why and it isn't up to you to understand it for them.

 

[screamqueen]

This is the place to vent

I hate when people play dumb like "oh I don't know why X doesn't talk to me" or "why don't you just forgive Y". They know full well why and it isn't up to you to understand it for them.

Thankyou

you’re absolutely right, and Thankyou - it’s amazing how good it feels to know others actually understand what this is like x

 

[Jj2431]

Hey everyone.

Can I ask for some advice please?

As a child I was physically and emotionally abused by my dad. He was also emotionally neglectful. I have a sister who never experienced this treatment and who is the golden child. I am the black sheep. My dad was a heavy drinker when I was a child. As an adult, he apologised for his mistakes and vowed to do better and occasionally he has but he does the following...

- He still drinks a lot. Mainly at weekends but he's drunk every weekend. I'm never invited to these outings they have but it's always my parents and sister, despite them going to a pub on the next street to my house.

- He didn't congratulate my husband upon passing his driving test in January and when we got a car proceeded to go cold with me for 2 months and didn't come to see his grand children. He often goes cold with my mum for reference and won't speak to her for weeks on end and won't tell her why.

- Him and my sister are passive aggressive towards me. They both like to brag about themselves and tear others down. My sister even went as far to say that my niece from my Brother in law looks like my friends child (who she has called ugly many a time so I knew what she was saying).

This going to the pub near my house happens nearly every week and not once has he thought to nip in to see my kids for half an hour before he starts drinking. He's seen them 2/3 times in 6 months. He would say well we have a car so why don't we go and see him but am I being unreasonable for thinking why should I make effort when he doesn't and that he's the one with things to prove?

Anyway, he's invited us for a get together at his house next weekend. He's wrote it on the family group chat so my teenager and seen it. Alcohol will be involved (naturally) and usually we go but knowing he hasn't bothered to come see the kids when he's been around the corner every week is making me want to say no and maybe confront if he asks why. I don't want the kids to be in the middle of a war zone but equally he's taking the piss surely?

It's like kids birthday parties. He comes, eats the food and talks to my sisters partner. He used to be more involved when there was alcohol but I stopped giving alcohol at kids parties years ago. He refuses to accept he has a drinking issue. Other family members have confirmed I'm not going mad and he drinks a lot etc. What would you do? I'm at the end of my tether.

 

[HitnMiss]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. He's still emotionally abusing you and your sister is learning from him by the sounds of it. Can you make an excuse not to go next weekend so you can have a think about what you want to do? Do you feel he's emotionally abusive to your kids? That would be a reason to limit/cut contact in my opinion.

 

[Jj2431]

Definitely haven't seen any abuse in any form towards my children. If there was he would Definitely be out of our lives. I know some people maybe think that he's inviting me now but once again, it will be me making effort to go there and he will be drinking. He can't just come to the house for an hour and have a coffee every few weeks. My teenage son has seen him drunk before and he doesn't like it.

 

[Slaybutter]

@Jj2431 It sounds like by saying no to the party you’d be sticking up for your kids rather than putting them in the middle of a war zone. I think that taking them to the get together when he’s not treated you well, or them, sends an unhealthy message. Instead of attending, you could find other activities that will engage your kids in the community and will enrich their lives for years.

 

[cosytoes]

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m in the wrong or I’m just surrounded by narcissists.
A family member is critically ill in hospital he was doing ok up until this morning and then he took a turn for the worse.
How did I find out? By a woe is me post on Facebook documenting everything including the doctors have told his wife to prepare for the worst.
Not his wife posting on Facebook I might add but another random relative who is revelling in all the “I’m thinking of you” and “stay strong” comments.
I really can’t comprehend on what planet people think it’s ok to post about someone else’s personal situation just for a like or a comment.
Im surrounded by narcissists

 

[Silverplume]

You’re not wrong, @cosytoes. People are shockingly rude.

 

[allthingschocolate]

My parents have made me feel like utter crap today they came round earlier to boast/ brag that they have booked yet another holiday for later on this year, they’ve already had one, going on another that my brother has kindly paid for them to go on with him, his wife & daughter, of course very nice but myself & my daughter weren’t invited! I would have quite happily paid for us to go and would not expect him to pay My mom is a woe is me narc and moans about her ailments constantly which drains the life out of me! She also receives Pip (for being lazy & over weight I may add) and works about 5 hours a week! I really Don’t begrudge anyone a holiday but I’m on my own as a single mom with my daughter and may not be able to afford a holiday due to the stupid, ridiculous school hol prices! I’m currently paying for my garden to be done (as I’m useless at it & it will add value in the long term when I eventually come to sell it) and all I get it is at least you will have a nice garden to sit in yeah that’s not helpful or the point!?! They never offer to help with anything I’ve taken out a bank loan to fund my garden and furniture! and yet my parents seem to be forever buying things they do not need and it really winds me up! I wish they wouldn’t rub it in my face

 

[cosytoes]

My parents have made me feel like utter crap today they came round earlier to boast/ brag that they have booked yet another holiday for later on this year, they’ve already had one, going on another that my brother has kindly paid for them to go on with him, his wife & daughter, of course very nice but myself & my daughter weren’t invited! I would have quite happily paid for us to go and would not expect him to pay My mom is a woe is me narc and moans about her ailments constantly which drains the life out of me! She also receives Pip (for being lazy & over weight I may add) and works about 5 hours a week! I really Don’t begrudge anyone a holiday but I’m on my own as a single mom with my daughter and may not be able to afford a holiday due to the stupid, ridiculous school hol prices! I’m currently paying for my garden to be done (as I’m useless at it & it will add value in the long term when I eventually come to sell it) and all I get it is at least you will have a nice garden to sit in yeah that’s not helpful or the point!?! They never offer to help with anything I’ve taken out a bank loan to fund my garden and furniture! and yet my parents seem to be forever buying things they do not need and it really winds me up! I wish they wouldn’t rub it in my face

Unfortunately narcissists are self centred and have skin like the hide of a rhinoceros. The constant bragging is the mechanism they use to make themselves feel better. 9x out of 10 they just trample over everyone else’s feelings for a bit of self gratification. Have you tried distancing yourself for a while. Don’t feed the bragging. Ignore the odd phone call. Take a little longer to respond to texts. When mum starts moaning cut the call and then ring back “I don’t know what happened then” is always a good come back then change the conversation. A little time away from the constant elevenerife is good for the sole. Believe me it’s how I deal with my mother. It’s amazing how much my phone drops signal when I really can’t cope with her.

Annnnd as a single parent you’re probably doing a fantastic job single handed that most couples struggle with ( my daughter is now a single parent) and I will always be a cheerleader for you guys.
Venting on here is also a way to offload. And we ALL know how you’re feeling so this is a safe space.
many virtual hugs 🫂
Stay strong you’re not alone xx

 

[allthingschocolate]

Unfortunately narcissists are self centred and have skin like the hide of a rhinoceros. The constant bragging is the mechanism they use to make themselves feel better. 9x out of 10 they just trample over everyone else’s feelings for a bit of self gratification. Have you tried distancing yourself for a while. Don’t feed the bragging. Ignore the odd phone call. Take a little longer to respond to texts. When mum starts moaning cut the call and then ring back “I don’t know what happened then” is always a good come back then change the conversation. A little time away from the constant elevenerife is good for the sole. Believe me it’s how I deal with my mother. It’s amazing how much my phone drops signal when I really can’t cope with her.

Annnnd as a single parent you’re probably doing a fantastic job single handed that most couples struggle with ( my daughter is now a single parent) and I will always be a cheerleader for you guys.
Venting on here is also a way to offload. And we ALL know how you’re feeling so this is a safe space.
many virtual hugs 🫂
Stay strong you’re not alone xx

Ahh thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I needed to hear this and for your brilliant advice which I will definitely take on board I think distance is the way to go & thanks for the virtual hugs much needed too 🥹 x

 

[Readingismyhobby]

It took me until I was early 50’s to see the light about my narcissistic mother! Since then I’ve used the “grey rock” approach and have gradually decreased the amount of time I see her. I now see her every 2 weeks when I do her shopping for her. I don’t phone her either. It is such a relief to have such minimal contact with her.
She is mid 80’s now, still self obsessed, bitter and miserable. My motto towards her is “you reap what you sow “.
To all the people going through the process of realising a relative is narcissistic, keep going, put yourself first. The more you put yourself first the easier it becomes.

 

[Ablemabel]

It took me until I was early 50’s to see the light about my narcissistic mother! Since then I’ve used the “grey rock” approach and have gradually decreased the amount of time I see her. I now see her every 2 weeks when I do her shopping for her. I don’t phone her either. It is such a relief to have such minimal contact with her.
She is mid 80’s now, still self obsessed, bitter and miserable. My motto towards her is “you reap what you sow “.
To all the people going through the process of realising a relative is narcissistic, keep going, put yourself first. The more you put yourself first the easier it becomes.

Absolutely this. It took me years and years to realise that it wasn't that I was a pathetic, awful person as I had been repeatedly told from a small child, rather my mother was a narcissist. It took further time to extract myself from the situation and really it was having kids that helped me see the light. As well as toxic, her behaviour was erratic and my children didn't deserve to be subject to that kind of chaos. I tried grey rock for some considerable time, but I still found that too hard because a narcs skill is to manipulate situations and it's insidious. I went NC almost 5 years ago now. I can't say my anxiety has gone completely, but it has been much better for my mental health.

As said it's really important to put self first.Relationships with narcs can be exceptionally damaging and when it's a parent, you don't realise what's going on for some time, because it's your norm.

 

[Good Egg]

Why do narcissists drain you to the point where you feel physically and mentally exhausted and drained when you’ve been in their company?
I slept this afternoon for about three hours. Total exhaustion. I couldn’t keep my eyes open I felt foggy.

It’s sounds daft, totally daft, but when I sleep I can dream about being somewhere anywhere, without a narcissist putting a dark cloud over everything. I feel calm when I’m asleep, no anxiety or anything.
Utterly ridiculous isn’t it? Life is for living and I’m sleeping during the day.

 

[Rjaggers]

Why do narcissists drain you to the point where you feel physically and mentally exhausted and drained when you’ve been in their company?
I slept this afternoon for about three hours. Total exhaustion. I couldn’t keep my eyes open I felt foggy.

It’s sounds daft, totally daft, but when I sleep I can dream about being somewhere anywhere, without a narcissist putting a dark cloud over everything. I feel calm when I’m asleep, no anxiety or anything.
Utterly ridiculous isn’t it? Life is for living and I’m sleeping during the day.

You’re not alone there, I’m constantly napping during the day to try and escape reality.

 

[Good Egg]

You’re not alone there, I’m constantly napping during the day to try and escape reality.

It just breaks my heart. I feel like my prime years are frittered away. It’s hard to explain. Normal people who don’t understand narcissism just don’t get it. I’m sorry you feel the same.

I often vision myself walking along a beach in Cornwall. Warm hot sand under my toes and the waves crashing around my ankles. No silent treatment, no drama, no yelling or rage. Just perfect peace.

The narc is on full mode silent treatment. As an adult I cannot understand why I’ve allowed myself so much control over me. The way I think, feel and act... I feel it even more and as I get older I’m finding more memories from my childhood are emerging. It’s just awful. When I was I child I used to pray I could live at my friends house. I felt so safe and used to beg to stay longer. I actually used to beg...

 

[TheGlossy]

My narcissistic mother is missing her energy supply (me) again. I haven’t spoken to her in 3 months because every time I speak to her, it’s the same story.

However, she’s playing a game of triangulation now. When she needs help with paperwork, she asks my middle sister to write me. When she wants me to call her because her narcissistic supply is running low, she sends my youngest sister.

My middle sister sent me an email a week ago (non-urgent) on her behalf and I didn’t respond because I’ve been working 12h days. I barely had the time to eat. So, she sent my youngest sister yesterday who wrote me an email saying ‘Mom is asking why you haven’t called her yet. She wants to know if it’s because she’s done something wrong’.

Please. The woman treated me like less than a dog for 18 years of my life & was cut off for years. Yet, she now thinks she’s entitled to me giving her an explanation as WHY I haven’t called? I don’t owe anyone a call or a response. I have a life like an adult trying to build a life for herself.

Not to mention, there goes the emotional manipulation of ‘victimizing’ herself by asking if she’s done something wrong and getting my sister involved. She’s asking after 33 years if she’s done something wrong ? Is she only waking up now?

Last time I spoke to her, she yelled at me on the phone and consumed all my energy to the point where I got depressed for 3 months after that. It’s like she has a radar because now that I’m feeling better, she’s suddenly chasing again. That’s what energy vampires do.

Sometimes I wish I could just die so I wouldn’t have to put up with her again.

SMH.

 

[Ablemabel]

Spoiler: TW: death

My narc mother died last week. This is brutal, but my experience was that even in advancing age and ill health, things did not change. I was no contact for 5 years but I did go to see her the week before she died. Even then, patterns of behaviour continued to filter through.

We cannot change how someone else behaves. Some people can't/won't change even in the face of things that other people would find shocking (i.e sacrificing having a relationship with grandchildren). All we can do is manage our own behaviour and reactions etc. easier said than done at times and it really does make things quite the headfuck when expectations of how we should behave surround us daily

However no contact helped me. I didn't believe that it would be possible for me to do that for a very, very long time. My anxiety was through the roof before and I finally accepted that absolutely nothing I could do would change matters, I could do nothing right, whatever I did.

I suppose what I'm trying to say (badly) is put yourself first and set and manage your own boundaries and always talk to others because there are many, many of us out there with the same lived experiences.

 

[cee-bee]

My narcissistic mother is missing her energy supply (me) again. I haven’t spoken to her in 3 months because every time I speak to her, it’s the same story.

However, she’s playing a game of triangulation now. When she needs help with paperwork, she asks my middle sister to write me. When she wants me to call her because her narcissistic supply is running low, she sends my youngest sister.

My middle sister sent me an email a week ago (non-urgent) on her behalf and I didn’t respond because I’ve been working 12h days. I barely had the time to eat. So, she sent my youngest sister yesterday who wrote me an email saying ‘Mom is asking why you haven’t called her yet. She wants to know if it’s because she’s done something wrong’.

Please. The woman treated me like less than a dog for 18 years of my life & was cut off for years. Yet, she now thinks she’s entitled to me giving her an explanation as WHY I haven’t called? I don’t owe anyone a call or a response. I have a life like an adult trying to build a life for herself.

Not to mention, there goes the emotional manipulation of ‘victimizing’ herself by asking if she’s done something wrong and getting my sister involved. She’s asking after 33 years if she’s done something wrong ? Is she only waking up now?

Last time I spoke to her, she yelled at me on the phone and consumed all my energy to the point where I got depressed for 3 months after that. It’s like she has a radar because now that I’m feeling better, she’s suddenly chasing again. That’s what energy vampires do.

Sometimes I wish I could just die so I wouldn’t have to put up with her again.

SMH.

my dad was horrendous growing up, constantly walking on eggshells around him, he really didn’t seem like he liked me as a person, he treated us like burdens etc. he made it very clear as a teen, when I stayed with him after my parents divorce, he didn’t want me there long term.

so when I hit 18 I moved miles away for Uni.

and just as I was starting to enjoy myself for the first time, busy with new friends, a course I’m enjoying and truly happy for the first time…

he’s baffled as to why I never call him and claims to be hurt and indignant. whether I was enjoying my life or not seemed largely irrelevant to him.

over the years it’s just been one big strop over why I never call

he’d continue to do hurtful things (sometimes to punish me, I’m convinced). Play me off against my siblings, play the triangulation game. Compare me. I’d just ignore it and keep our contact minimal.

It baffles me that this man who treated me with contempt, can’t recognise why I’d run a mile as an adult and can’t see why I wouldn’t carve out one to include him in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.

he’s recently offered to contribute a fair amount of money to our wedding fund… we’ll see if he follows through, but I figured I’d try and build bridges and tentatively invited him to a food tasting.

a couple of weeks after confirming he’d go, he drops out with some bullshit excuse. I’m not even upset or annoyed. But I find it so bizarre, even now, how he can casually let me down without an apology, after agreeing to attend. I hate letting people down after giving them my word.

it’s like he expects me to show enthusiasm and an outpouring of love and invite him with open arms into my life… and if I don’t then he strops or shrugs it off and let’s me down. He doesn’t understand that that’s just not how it works.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand his mentality.

a part of me thinks; this is his ego. Being rejected by me is a blow to his ego. A part of me wonders if maybe it is love for me but it’s a skewed way of showing it? Sadly, I think it’s more the former than the latter. I was a burden and an inconvenience until I left home and made a life for myself, and then I became an affront and a slap in the face because I wasn’t constantly seeking his validation and approval.

for most parents, you’d have thought they’d just be content knowing their child is happy, even if they don’t call as often. Not my father.