Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[Rodneytrotter]

Sorry, but I just need to talk to people who understand.... It's been 2 years since I went no contact with my dad, which, once i'd come to terms with everything, has been peaceful! However today I received a letter from an aunt saying that she knows I no longer speak to my dad and when she asked him why he said "he doesn't know". She went on to say that if I dont tell her then she can't help me.

I have no idea why she thinks I need her help or why it's any of her business why I'm not speaking to him? I'm really upset to hear that my dad said he doesn't know why we don't speak. It almost feels like he's done nothing and I'm just a cruel person who is not speaking for no reason. Or that I went through all of that just for him to claim 'he doesnt know'. It absolutely broke my heart to go no contact but it was the right thing to do. This letter has taken me back to a bad place and my anxiety is off the scale

 

[Meringue22]

Sorry, but I just need to talk to people who understand.... It's been 2 years since I went no contact with my dad, which, once i'd come to terms with everything, has been peaceful! However today I received a letter from an aunt saying that she knows I no longer speak to my dad and when she asked him why he said "he doesn't know". She went on to say that if I dont tell her then she can't help me.

I have no idea why she thinks I need her help or why it's any of her business why I'm not speaking to him? I'm really upset to hear that my dad said he doesn't know why we don't speak. It almost feels like he's done nothing and I'm just a cruel person who is not speaking for no reason. Or that I went through all of that just for him to claim 'he doesnt know'. It absolutely broke my heart to go no contact but it was the right thing to do. This letter has taken me back to a bad place and my anxiety is off the scale

He’s a narcissist so he’s never at fault. Ever! I can completely understand why this has triggered you, I’d be the same but you cut him off for a reason. A valid one. I know my mum tells people stuff that makes me look utterly vile but I don’t care anymore because I know it’s not me who is the narc! Remind yourself why you cut him off and that it was and still is for the best x

 

[catchinguphere21]

Advice needed please..

So my nephews Holy communion is coming up in 3 weeks time... there is a meal booked for afterwards, all family invited .

These are the things that I find really stressful, as my mother will single me out or do & say things to trigger me. I have chosen to look after my wellbeing in the last 2-3 months by being distant. When I told her on phone this evening that my daughters and I would not be going , she turned it back on my saying... you can't do that, your brother will be so disappointed as he has always attended your things (not always) just guilt tripping me here , the usual she then said ... have you not asked "my teenage daughter" does she want to go, or are you stopping her too?


I'm really exhausted by this

She always uses my teenage daughter against me , making out that I'M the problem always. Please can I have advice on how to deal with this situation.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

He’s a narcissist so he’s never at fault. Ever! I can completely understand why this has triggered you, I’d be the same but you cut him off for a reason. A valid one. I know my mum tells people stuff that makes me look utterly vile but I don’t care anymore because I know it’s not me who is the narc! Remind yourself why you cut him off and that it was and still is for the best x

Thanks so much

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Advice needed please..

So my nephews Holy communion is coming up in 3 weeks time... there is a meal booked for afterwards, all family invited .

These are the things that I find really stressful, as my mother will single me out or do & say things to trigger me. I have chosen to look after my wellbeing in the last 2-3 months by being distant. When I told her on phone this evening that my daughters and I would not be going , she turned it back on my saying... you can't do that, your brother will be so disappointed as he has always attended your things (not always) just guilt tripping me here , the usual she then said ... have you not asked "my teenage daughter" does she want to go, or are you stopping her too?


I'm really exhausted by this

She always uses my teenage daughter against me , making out that I'M the problem always. Please can I have advice on how to deal with this situation.

Hi, I'm sorry this is happening. It's emotional blackmail and triangulation as she's pitting you against her and your brother / her and your daughter.

My advice is stick to your guns. It can be really hard, but backing down gives her the power, so when another situation like this arises in the future she will know which strings to pull to manipulate you and control the narrative.

Have you spoken to your brother directly? It might be a good idea to let him know where you stand so he's not hearing your mothers version of events (which will be twisted to make you look bad by the sound of things)

Let us know how you get on

 

[catchinguphere21]

Hi, I'm sorry this is happening. It's emotional blackmail and triangulation as she's pitting you against her and your brother / her and your daughter.

My advice is stick to your guns. It can be really hard, but backing down gives her the power, so when another situation like this arises in the future she will know which strings to pull to manipulate you and control the narrative.

Have you spoken to your brother directly? It might be a good idea to let him know where you stand so he's not hearing your mothers version of events (which will be twisted to make you look bad by the sound of things)

Let us know how you get on

Thank you so much for your advice it is greatly appreciated. What could I say to my brother and his wife without coming across as "I couldn't be bothered attending" etc. I just don't want to put myself in that atmosphere as I get extremely unwell during and after it.

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Thank you so much for your advice it is greatly appreciated. What could I say to my brother and his wife without coming across as "I couldn't be bothered attending" etc. I just don't want to put myself in that atmosphere as I get extremely unwell during and after it.

No problem. Does your brother how you feel about your mother ? I'd tell them the truth that you're feeling unwell about attending. Good luck x

 

[MooBelle]

Sorry, but I just need to talk to people who understand.... It's been 2 years since I went no contact with my dad, which, once i'd come to terms with everything, has been peaceful! However today I received a letter from an aunt saying that she knows I no longer speak to my dad and when she asked him why he said "he doesn't know". She went on to say that if I dont tell her then she can't help me.

I have no idea why she thinks I need her help or why it's any of her business why I'm not speaking to him? I'm really upset to hear that my dad said he doesn't know why we don't speak. It almost feels like he's done nothing and I'm just a cruel person who is not speaking for no reason. Or that I went through all of that just for him to claim 'he doesnt know'. It absolutely broke my heart to go no contact but it was the right thing to do. This letter has taken me back to a bad place and my anxiety is off the scale

If I compare this situation with mine (been NC for 5 years with my family) Personally I would ignore the letter. If your aunt persists then just say that you don't wish to discuss it. It's hard but just don't get dragged in to a discussion because no matter what you will be the bad guy.
Your father saying he doesn't know why you went NC is probably to illicit sympathy from the family.
I hope you feel better soon x

 

[catchinguphere21]

No problem. Does your brother how you feel about your mother ? I'd tell them the truth that you're feeling unwell about attending. Good luck x

Thank you , I explained to my sister in law this morning, I didnt mention which family member that I've set boundaries with, but she completely understands my decision. She is disappointed we will not be attending but understands why. I won't ever put my children & myself in a situation that we are not happy in , in order to keep others happy . It is mentally and physically draining. So appreciative of the kind members on this thread. Can't thank you enough for your invaluable advice to this situation we unfortunately all have had to deal with in our lives. Stay strong and I hope you can enjoy a peaceful life without negativity or drama.

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Thank you , I explained to my sister in law this morning, I didnt mention which family member that I've set boundaries with, but she completely understands my decision. She is disappointed we will not be attending but understands why. I won't ever put my children & myself in a situation that we are not happy in , in order to keep others happy . It is mentally and physically draining. So appreciative of the kind members on this thread. Can't thank you enough for your invaluable advice to this situation we unfortunately all have had to deal with in our lives. Stay strong and I hope you can enjoy a peaceful life without negativity or drama.

Amazing, bet you feel so much better!

 

[BWGossip]

My dad is like a dark hole whenever he is unhappy with you, he stops talking and make sure nobody is enjoying themselves. The last 2 weeks was supposed to be a family holiday, well it is, but everybody is walking on eggshells because for whatever reason my dad is in a mood (but god forbid he tells you what the problem is). If you do excatly what he wants then everything is great, but the second you aren't like he wants you to be, it's 'dark hole mode'...

How do you guys dealt with guilt when you first distanced yourself with your family? My dad is the 'toxic' one, but if I distance myself with him, it means distancing myself from my mum and brother too (we're all three very closed but I live away). Besides, they are in their 70s (I'm in my 20s) and not in the best of health, so part of me is like 'you should suck it up'. Also, my dad was the breadwinner of the family and I feel ungrateful (but I feel icky too because it feels like he buys me in a way, he usually gives money once he stops sulking).

Sorry for the rambling, I just thought maybe some of you would be able to give some advice because I'm lost

 

[HitnMiss]

My dad is like a dark hole whenever he is unhappy with you, he stops talking and make sure nobody is enjoying themselves. The last 2 weeks was supposed to be a family holiday, well it is, but everybody is walking on eggshells because for whatever reason my dad is in a mood (but god forbid he tells you what the problem is). If you do excatly what he wants then everything is great, but the second you aren't like he wants you to be, it's 'dark hole mode'...

How do you guys dealt with guilt when you first distanced yourself with your family? My dad is the 'toxic' one, but if I distance myself with him, it means distancing myself from my mum and brother too (we're all three very closed but I live away). Besides, they are in their 70s (I'm in my 20s) and not in the best of health, so part of me is like 'you should suck it up'. Also, my dad was the breadwinner of the family and I feel ungrateful (but I feel icky too because it feels like he buys me in a way, he usually gives money once he stops sulking).

Sorry for the rambling, I just thought maybe some of you would be able to give some advice because I'm lost

I'm sorry he's like that. You shouldn't feel guilty that he provided for you. That's a part of parenthood. How does he treat your mum and brother? Would it be possible to see them when he's not around?
---
It was mother's day here on Sunday. It was a hard day and I'm glad it's over. Hugs to anyone that found it difficult.

 

[Meg78]

Does anyone else’s parent cut you off during important life events?

My mum has a habit of causing a rift every single time we have something important going on; wedding, pregnancies, house moves….. you can set your watch to it, she’ll say congratulations and then immediately find a reason to be mad at you which lasts until the event is over, and then she wants to be friends again. I’ve gone through every major life event without my mum, and as we’re trying for another baby I’m fully braced for the next rift, and I feel so sad about having never gone baby clothes shopping together, or wedding dress shopping, or any of those classic moments a mother and daughter should have.

Is there a term for what she does?

 

[Meringue22]

Does anyone else’s parent cut you off during important life events?

My mum has a habit of causing a rift every single time we have something important going on; wedding, pregnancies, house moves….. you can set your watch to it, she’ll say congratulations and then immediately find a reason to be mad at you which lasts until the event is over, and then she wants to be friends again. I’ve gone through every major life event without my mum, and as we’re trying for another baby I’m fully braced for the next rift, and I feel so sad about having never gone baby clothes shopping together, or wedding dress shopping, or any of those classic moments a mother and daughter should have.

Is there a term for what she does?

This is very common with narcs. It’s because the attention isn’t on her and she hates it. My ex did the same. Ruined every birthday/wedding anniversary/special event. Also they’re just downright nasty people! My mum is also a raging narc so trust me I understand how you feel. I’m poorly and she’s made it all about her. She asks how I am then turns it around to be about her. Every single time!

 

[no-no]

Does anyone else’s parent cut you off during important life events?

My mum has a habit of causing a rift every single time we have something important going on; wedding, pregnancies, house moves….. you can set your watch to it, she’ll say congratulations and then immediately find a reason to be mad at you which lasts until the event is over, and then she wants to be friends again. I’ve gone through every major life event without my mum, and as we’re trying for another baby I’m fully braced for the next rift, and I feel so sad about having never gone baby clothes shopping together, or wedding dress shopping, or any of those classic moments a mother and daughter should have.

Is there a term for what she does?

Not aware of a specific term but it’s part of the devalue and discard stage of their cycle. I’m sorry you’ve not had those moments with her, but you’re not alone. Do you have a nice MIL?

I don’t tell my mum a lot of things because if I’m stressed she’ll say “do you know how stressed I am worrying about you, you don’t know how it affects me” aka her way of saying “let’s worry about me instead”.

 

[call.me.coco]

Does anyone else’s parent cut you off during important life events?

My mum has a habit of causing a rift every single time we have something important going on; wedding, pregnancies, house moves….. you can set your watch to it, she’ll say congratulations and then immediately find a reason to be mad at you which lasts until the event is over, and then she wants to be friends again. I’ve gone through every major life event without my mum, and as we’re trying for another baby I’m fully braced for the next rift, and I feel so sad about having never gone baby clothes shopping together, or wedding dress shopping, or any of those classic moments a mother and daughter should have.

Is there a term for what she does?

I’m so sorry.

I just wanted to say that you’re not alone.

I took my mum wedding dress shopping with me and she could not have been less interested. She was bored and annoyed that I wanted to see a few shops. She made my wedding prep a nightmare and created so many problems along the way.

I had a baby and again she made things so much more stressful and difficult. I had to be kept in for a few days after the birth and she would call me shouting that its my fault the birth went the way it did and I should have had a C-Section.

It’s really hard as you expect your mum to be there for you in moments like this.

 

[Meringue22]

Not aware of a specific term but it’s part of the devalue and discard stage of their cycle. I’m sorry you’ve not had those moments with her, but you’re not alone. Do you have a nice MIL?

I don’t tell my mum a lot of things because if I’m stressed she’ll say “do you know how stressed I am worrying about you, you don’t know how it affects me” aka her way of saying “let’s worry about me instead”.

My mum is like this! I don’t tell her anything

 

[Meg78]

Do you have a nice MIL?

My MIL is very used to being the matriarch and assumes rather than asks, but she’s caring and warm with it, and was absolutely horrified by my mothers behaviour! She thought I was exaggerating at first so I invited them both to join me for a drink at a local bar to show them wedding dress photos, my mum spent a solid half hour telling MIL how much she’d hated being my mother, that I was a horrible daughter and she did everything she could to get away from me growing up as she hated me so much. It wasn’t a surprise for me to hear confirmation of this but my MIL’s jaw was on the floor!

 

[Beetlebum]

Hi
This is my first post. I have been NC with my parents for over 20 years due to my Mum being a narc and mentally and emotionally torturing me. I fled one night and never went back and I hoped to hear from my Aunt (her sister) whom I was closer to than my Mum. I tried telling her over the years many times what was happening and she used to say try your best , keep your room tidy and have sympathy for her because of her upbringing being difficult. So I believed it was my responsibility and my fault what kind of mood my Mum was in and her punishments and nasty behaviour was me not getting being me right.
Fast forward to now I never heard from my Aunt and I was hurt that she didn't try and find me but also felt she would see me leaving as a spiteful thing to do to my " poor" Mum so I left it unresolved. I decided I was ready to contact my Aunt last year and convinced myself she must have been fobbed off and not really have understood how bad things were so I found her on SM. We began speaking but she said other members of the family were suspicious of my intentions and felt allegiance to protecting my Mum and Aunt as I could upset them??
I told her everything that happened and that I'd been left with CPTSD and it has been recorded with the police by my therapist who was do alarmed at events.
I didnt want to believe it but its clear there is no big reveal, she did know it was happening and her response is that I'm giving her tremendous guilt at secretly speaking to me again and how sorry she feels as a Mum for my Mum not having a daughter. I felt gut punched hearing this but I was so desperate to be loved and part of her life I just was in denial and kept trying to get her to see me as a good person in this. She then tried to say "life's too short I'd really like to have a family party but I'd have to invite your parents so think about it??"
She also has asked me to not tell anyone I am in contact as she's paranoid my Mum will find out and after all she's been through in life we have to feel sorry for her and she tries to get me to agree. My Mum was very aware of her behaviour and has never shown remorse and by all accounts is still gaslighting my Aunt with tantrums and silent treatment if she does not get her own way. My dilemma is I do not want this dysfunctional relationship and I'm struggling with feeling huge shame and guilt if I have to tell my Aunt that I don't find this acceptable and am really angry she doesn't seem to take me seriously and is trying to minimise what happened as some silly falling out. I was a child and my Mum was the adult why is it partially my fault??Am I wrong that I can't accept this ? I am struggling with so much anger and disappointment when I'm telling the truth

 

[Good Egg]

I’m so sorry.

I just wanted to say that you’re not alone.

I took my mum wedding dress shopping with me and she could not have been less interested. She was bored and annoyed that I wanted to see a few shops. She made my wedding prep a nightmare and created so many problems along the way.

I had a baby and again she made things so much more stressful and difficult. I had to be kept in for a few days after the birth and she would call me shouting that its my fault the birth went the way it did and I should have had a C-Section.

It’s really hard as you expect your mum to be there for you in moments like this.

My heart breaks for you this is so so sad