Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[Maid22]

@Chandler Bing hope you're ok x
My 'brother' really hate calling him that, has actually turned out worse than my old man, I would never have thought it years ago ( he lived with us for ages ) but something nasty changed in him, but to everyone else, the likeable charmer bloke, he won't discuss things, he threatens and warns you, it's hard to explain on here, but I'm sure most on here understand, it's awful sad reading on here what we've all had to go through, truly breaks my heart.

On another note, @Nadia Vulvokov well done you and congratulations

 

[Chandler Bing]

@Chandler Bing hope you're ok x
My 'brother' really hate calling him that, has actually turned out worse than my old man, I would never have thought it years ago ( he lived with us for ages ) but something nasty changed in him, but to everyone else, the likeable charmer bloke, he won't discuss things, he threatens and warns you, it's hard to explain on here, but I'm sure most on here understand, it's awful sad reading on here what we've all had to go through, truly breaks my heart.

On another note, @Nadia Vulvokov well done you and congratulations

They look so good to strangers don't they. All about appearances.

 

[Maid22]

Yeah, heard all those things too. I ruined her life. I was a Christmas baby, but she actually wanted a dog for Christmas but was lumped with me instead. She wanted a boy but was lumped with me instead. Everything about me was wrong.

Oh lovely that's really awful, but you've proved her wrong, you're like us all, you've survived their toxicity, it still hard to comprehend what we've all been through, but this thread is proof that we can all relate and support each other.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Oh lovely that's really awful, but you've proved her wrong, you're like us all, you've survived their toxicity, it still hard to comprehend what we've all been through, but this thread is proof that we can all relate and support each other.

This thread is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Thank you all and I'm so sorry you have also had to go through this.

 

[Maid22]

This thread is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Thank you all and I'm so sorry you have also had to go through this.

I feel the same to about this thread, it's lovely, though very sad we have somewhere to share our experiences, but also good to know we're not alone. Lots of to you all.

 

[TheGlossy]

My narcissistic mother is missing her energy supply (me) again. I haven’t spoken to her in 3 months because every time I speak to her, it’s the same story.

However, she’s playing a game of triangulation now. When she needs help with paperwork, she asks my middle sister to write me. When she wants me to call her because her narcissistic supply is running low, she sends my youngest sister.

My middle sister sent me an email a week ago (non-urgent) on her behalf and I didn’t respond because I’ve been working 12h days. I barely had the time to eat. So, she sent my youngest sister yesterday who wrote me an email saying ‘Mom is asking why you haven’t called her yet. She wants to know if it’s because she’s done something wrong’.

Please. The woman treated me like less than a dog for 18 years of my life & was cut off for years. Yet, she now thinks she’s entitled to me giving her an explanation as WHY I haven’t called? I don’t owe anyone a call or a response. I have a life like an adult trying to build a life for herself.

Not to mention, there goes the emotional manipulation of ‘victimizing’ herself by asking if she’s done something wrong and getting my sister involved. She’s asking after 33 years if she’s done something wrong ? Is she only waking up now?

Last time I spoke to her, she yelled at me on the phone and consumed all my energy to the point where I got depressed for 3 months after that. It’s like she has a radar because now that I’m feeling better, she’s suddenly chasing again. That’s what energy vampires do.

Sometimes I wish I could just die so I wouldn’t have to put up with her again.

SMH.

Update:

To keep the ‘peace’, I politely responded to my sister saying I haven’t called because I’ve been busy and rather unwell (went through a lot of work stress in the last few weeks, anxiety, panic attacks etc).

A week later - No response from her or anyone. I don’t normally open up to any of them and I quite frankly don’t owe anyone a justification on why I haven’t called. Yet, this what I get? They want people to sympathize for them because they lost my dad and are alone in this world yet they can’t extend the same amount of sympathy for me.

Part of the reason why I’ve had my health went south is because I took the burden of all their administrative and financial responsibilities after my dad died for about 1.5 years on top of my own responsibilities. They’re all grown adults yet I’m the one who had to deal with all this BS.

I don’t owe anyone a call or a justification as to why I haven’t called. I’m a grown woman with my own life. I don’t want anyone to control me, especially not a woman who is toxicity personified.

The fact I was estranged from her until my dad died, yet I helped her out of a rut after he died putting my own anymosity aside while she was still pulling the same narcissistic nonsense is beyond me.

Within a year of reconnecting, she managed to yell at me on numerous occasions including initiating a fight in public last summer, critiqued my personal appearance, demanded I ring her to get her mind off things and pushed a whole bunch of nonsense at me.

I can’t get any mental peace like this. It’s beyond me how anyone in their right mind feels entitled to a call and demands justification on why their formerly estranged child hasn’t called in a few weeks. It’s like I can’t breathe or be at peace because I know that me keeping minimum contact is leading her victimizing herself and my siblings demonizing me for not speaking to her.

 

[Maid22]

@TheGlossy I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this ( I remember your posts from ages ago) I have no advice, I went no contact over 10 years ago, my old man died last December, my ' brother', knocked the door to tell us, but he's a nasty narc, so he has to deal with my 'mother', and Ive always known why he's done this, he's after the house and money, he's only ever thought about himself, hopefully karma will catch up with him.

 

[Tea4Mee]

Heya not sure if posted already but I found this book extremely cathartic ~ incase it’s helpful for anyone else

 

[Maid22]

@Chandler Bing sending you hugs xx

 

[Chandler Bing]

@Chandler Bing sending you hugs xx

Thank you @Maid22 hugs to you too I hope you are doing well xx

 

[Ablemabel]

Update:

To keep the ‘peace’, I politely responded to my sister saying I haven’t called because I’ve been busy and rather unwell (went through a lot of work stress in the last few weeks, anxiety, panic attacks etc).

A week later - No response from her or anyone. I don’t normally open up to any of them and I quite frankly don’t owe anyone a justification on why I haven’t called. Yet, this what I get? They want people to sympathize for them because they lost my dad and are alone in this world yet they can’t extend the same amount of sympathy for me.

Part of the reason why I’ve had my health went south is because I took the burden of all their administrative and financial responsibilities after my dad died for about 1.5 years on top of my own responsibilities. They’re all grown adults yet I’m the one who had to deal with all this BS.

I don’t owe anyone a call or a justification as to why I haven’t called. I’m a grown woman with my own life. I don’t want anyone to control me, especially not a woman who is toxicity personified.

The fact I was estranged from her until my dad died, yet I helped her out of a rut after he died putting my own anymosity aside while she was still pulling the same narcissistic nonsense is beyond me.

Within a year of reconnecting, she managed to yell at me on numerous occasions including initiating a fight in public last summer, critiqued my personal appearance, demanded I ring her to get her mind off things and pushed a whole bunch of nonsense at me.

I can’t get any mental peace like this. It’s beyond me how anyone in their right mind feels entitled to a call and demands justification on why their formerly estranged child hasn’t called in a few weeks. It’s like I can’t breathe or be at peace because I know that me keeping minimum contact is leading her victimizing herself and my siblings demonizing me for not speaking to her.

You don't owe anyone anything.

Narcs ask you for reasons but they are not interested in the answers. They don't care. All they care about is what you can do for them.

It's by no means easy, but try and see things from this perspective. Sadly nothing you do will ever be right for a narcissist. Other people in the grips of them may take a little longer to understand this, but hopefully they will get there in the end. What you must do is throw off everything we are told about what we must do for family, etc. by society and protect yourself. This is not easy. However you have to put yourself first. Self preservation.

Much love x

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I am only non contact with my dad. My mum died a long time ago and I haven't fallen out with her side at all (although they live some distance away). But they are starting to piss me off. My uncle died last week and they didn't let me know, and then my grandad has moved nursing homes which I found out when I turned up to visit him.

You can bet they will have let my dad know though being the victim he is! I'm meeting up with my friend tomorrow to offload!

This all just reinforces to me that blood means nothing and that friends are the family we choose.

 

[Blonde_moment]

Going through a really rough time at the moment - ex was abusive to my son so he stopped wanting to see him and now he might be taking me to court. My mum just phoned me and told me she doesn’t want to hear about it anymore. Said I’m making her feel poorly and asked me do I want to kill her. Never mind the fact that I feel poorly with the stress and live alone with nobody to talk to. I said I’m struggling and suffer with anxiety so she told me to go to the library and get a book then to distract myself. Also piled guilt on me saying I chose to bring my ex into their lives (I.e. my mum and dad). Yeah like I don’t know I made a mistake! Feeling really low right now.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Going through a really rough time at the moment - ex was abusive to my son so he stopped wanting to see him and now he might be taking me to court. My mum just phoned me and told me she doesn’t want to hear about it anymore. Said I’m making her feel poorly and asked me do I want to kill her. Never mind the fact that I feel poorly with the stress and live alone with nobody to talk to. I said I’m struggling and suffer with anxiety so she told me to go to the library and get a book then to distract myself. Also piled guilt on me saying I chose to bring my ex into their lives (I.e. my mum and dad). Yeah like I don’t know I made a mistake! Feeling really low right now.

We are here for you, talk to us

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be so tough but remember you are not alone!

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Going through a really rough time at the moment - ex was abusive to my son so he stopped wanting to see him and now he might be taking me to court. My mum just phoned me and told me she doesn’t want to hear about it anymore. Said I’m making her feel poorly and asked me do I want to kill her. Never mind the fact that I feel poorly with the stress and live alone with nobody to talk to. I said I’m struggling and suffer with anxiety so she told me to go to the library and get a book then to distract myself. Also piled guilt on me saying I chose to bring my ex into their lives (I.e. my mum and dad). Yeah like I don’t know I made a mistake! Feeling really low right now.

I'm so sorry that you don't have a supportive parent who is there for you

 

[cosytoes]

How does everyone learn how to adult when their parents are bleeping wankers and never taught them anything? The thing that birthed me and “raised” me did the absolute bare minimum and should have been at the very least sterilised at birth so she didn’t reproduce. Not one member of her blood family want anything to do with her and never have done so that should give you a clue as to what a bleeping bleep she is.

My gorgeous supportive hubby has just said to me “you over indulge those kids”
Bit of background. I have 2 big toes. Girl 31 and boy 29. And 2 little toes both boys 10 and 6. I also have 2 grand toes. Boys 9 and 7.
Its raining here and I had all 4 little people all day. My house looks like it’s been hit by a hurricane. In the hallway we have zip lines from the top of the stairs to the bottom and various wrestlers paw patrol figures and mutant turtles have been flying down the zip lines. The dining room has a den made from clothe horses, sheets and chairs at various angles. There are toys and games everywhere. And we have made homemade pizzas for tea so you can imagine what my kitchen looks like .

When they go home/ to bed I’ll clean up. But for now I’m happy that we’ve had fun today (not all the time there have been some scraps and a couple of tantrums)

What I’m getting all be it in a roundabout way is that there are no rules. But as you are happy go with the flow. The little girl in me yearns for memories like these but my childhood was the polar opposite of carefree days like this.

 

[Blonde_moment]

We are here for you, talk to us

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be so tough but remember you are not alone!

Thank you. It has made me cry that someone I don’t know is there for me more than my own Mum I think I just needed to vent.
---

I'm so sorry that you don't have a supportive parent who is there for you

Thank you. She cares in her own way on some level, but she has always been terrible when it comes to empathy and is dismissive of mental health. She is also very self centred - makes everything about herself.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Thank you. It has made me cry that someone I don’t know is there for me more than my own Mum I think I just needed to vent.
---

Thank you. She cares in her own way on some level, but she has always been terrible when it comes to empathy and is dismissive of mental health. She is also very self centred - makes everything about herself.

Remember, we've all been there one way or another, so we know exactly what you're going through with her.

Deep breaths

 

[BWGossip]

How did you train yourself not to react to what your toxic parent say? I'm visiting my parents (my mum asked and I felt too guilty to say no). At this point, I'm pretty good at ignoring my dad and not reacting to his comments. Except when he starts talking about current events. My work is all about current events, we see the horrifying aftermath in details everyday, we analyze everything and work on what is gonna happen (terrible stuff). It's like he enjoys other people pain, he says cruel things until I can't hold it anymore. It's stupid because I know he doesn't care, he only does it for fun.

The aftermath is terrible because my hands shake so bad, I can't do anything for 30mn, and I want to burst into tears like a child. I can't stop thinking about what he used to do when we dared stand up to him or disagree as kids. I hate how small he makes me feel when I'm in my 20s ffs.

Can you train yourself to be aloof? Or do you have any tips? Any book recommendations?

 

[Readingismyhobby]

How did you train yourself not to react to what your toxic parent say? I'm visiting my parents (my mum asked and I felt too guilty to say no). At this point, I'm pretty good at ignoring my dad and not reacting to his comments. Except when he starts talking about current events. My work is all about current events, we see the horrifying aftermath in details everyday, we analyze everything and work on what is gonna happen (terrible stuff). It's like he enjoys other people pain, he says cruel things until I can't hold it anymore. It's stupid because I know he doesn't care, he only does it for fun.

The aftermath is terrible because my hands shake so bad, I can't do anything for 30mn, and I want to burst into tears like a child. I can't stop thinking about what he used to do when we dared stand up to him or disagree as kids. I hate how small he makes me feel when I'm in my 20s ffs.

Can you train yourself to be aloof? Or do you have any tips? Any book recommendations?

I had the Grey Rock approach recommended to me. If you google it there is lots about it. I also reduced my contact with my mother to the absolute minimum.